My 20 years old marriage..
Hi there, I am 43, a mother of one and married for 20+ years for the love of my life. Just over time we became best friends, I became the main income earner, car driver, decision maker and his business supporter. He's great in comforting and understanding me. I've been faithful to him all that time.
Until recently when shockingly to me I had a crush on another man and I split with my husband. The other guy was making me feel like a woman - taking me out, choosing restaurants, paying the bill (while I was doing that in my marriage). However, things didn't work out, he was hot and cold, insecure about me and I couldn't handle that so we interrupted that short relationship.
Now I'm completely lost. Do I get back to my husband (he's willing to), where I was feeling ok-ish but not really like a woman, and the scariest thing - I think I love my husband as a best friend but I have no physical attraction anymore and this is so hard to experience..
Can I revive the feelings I had or if I've been attracted to another person that means that my marriage is exhausted beyond repair?!
Don't know what to do, don't know who I am.. My whole life and work are being affected now by the messy situation in my brain.. Help! ❤️
@Dossema
I too have been in your shoes and felt like i was doing all the work around house and a job and doing for him all his little things he needed but nothing in return.
he no longer made me feel attractive or wanted or a woman ....... i met someone online we never met in person but had long video chats etc.... he was in a similar situation with his spouse felt great to be told he found me attractive...... talked about doing things our spouses have no interest in etc... Not broken promises of someday we will .....( insert whatever ...travel or concerts/ events etc)
My spouse is a best friend / roommate .....I do not see him physically anymore ... why would I? He never made me feel worth his time unless it involved some favor for him...
I do not think it was too much to ask that he treat me like the woman he chased and could not let go and to not expect me to always come last. .... it is easy to say a few compliments but that Never happened ........ be the one to plan and Follow thru not maybe next time we will etc ... to talk about things and feel connected.
IT is NOT wrong to ask for what we need...... You could go back with husband .... BUT you need to have a real talk with him and let him know...IF you come back it must be different..... NO excuses.
Thank you for your answer!
The thing is that I don't believe it will be different.. When we are talking or meeting each other I see that he is trying, yet then so easily slipping in the good old well-known.
And the passion... I'm af that if it's gone, it's gone forever. I hear people saying try this or that, go somewhere, experiment. It works for a while but then it turn into burden and feels the same.
If you don't mind sharing, what happened to your marriage/partnership ?
@Dossema
We are roommates still and working on separate lives ...
i quit wearing my ring told him "why pretend?" .............. for financial reasons we have not started divorce and i have asked for open marriage so i will date....
What you speak of is so true when we kidded ourselves that we could fix we listened to all BS of go on a romantic weekend etc.....NONE of it worked felt awkward and forced and i could not go through with anything..
I think without emotional connection and respect there is no attraction... for me ...It is NOT about the little superficial he does this or that ..... it is disrespect that he refuses to permanently make an effort for me the i will do this until i think you are not mad effort is insulting .
@Dossema
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging and confusing time. It’s completely understandable to feel lost when faced with such a complex and emotional situation. Here are some thoughts that might help you navigate this:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It's okay to feel confused, lost, and unsure. Your emotions are a reflection of the significant changes and challenges you're experiencing.
Reflect on Your Marriage: Take some time to reflect on your marriage. Think about the reasons you fell in love with your husband and the qualities that made your relationship special. Consider the positive aspects of your relationship and the areas that may need improvement.
Communicate Openly: If you decide to consider reconciling with your husband, open and honest communication is key. Discuss your feelings, concerns, and the changes you both would like to see in the relationship. It's important to be transparent about your needs and desires.
Explore Counseling: Marriage counseling can be incredibly beneficial in situations like this. A professional can help you both understand the underlying issues, improve communication, and work on rebuilding the emotional and physical connection.
Take Time for Yourself: It's crucial to take time for self-reflection and self-care. Understand what you want and need from a relationship and from life. Reconnecting with yourself can provide clarity and help you make more informed decisions.
Consider the Long Term: Think about the long-term implications of your choices. What do you envision for your future? What kind of relationship do you want to have? Sometimes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture can help in making a decision.
Rekindling Attraction: Physical attraction can sometimes be rekindled with effort and time. Focusing on rebuilding intimacy, spending quality time together, and finding new ways to connect can help revive those feelings.
Remember, it's okay to take your time in making a decision. You're navigating a complex emotional landscape, and it's important to be kind to yourself throughout this process.
Sending you strength and support. 🌹
Warm regards,
Thank you so much!
I've been reflecting on the marriage since Christmas now and I feel so stuck!
He's obviously willing to be with me but he has some limiting beliefs that are not allowing him to grow beyond, or at least at my pace. For example, he doesn't believe that he could earn enough money to support the family. In the same time, I am tired of being the main income earner and I don't want to be spending my money on both of us anymore, like paying vacations, etc.
Really, really difficult and I so want to make a hard decision already 😶🌫️
@Dossema
It sounds like you're facing a challenging situation with important decisions ahead. It's tough when there are differing beliefs and expectations about finances and the future.
But I also want you to remember how strong and resilient you are. You've faced tough times before and come out stronger each time. Trust in your ability to navigate this. Take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you and what you need moving forward...
Sending you lots of positive vibes and support. Take care 🌹
@Dossema
i can relate mine will not do the exercise he needs to to be more mobile so we can do things... every time we do anything he becomes the cheapest person in the world so i just pay to not listen to him complain. he is awful with his salary so for retirement and future it will be all i can save and i ask him about it he makes excuses then some person at work talked him into upping his 401k .... so it is insulting you listen to someone you are NOT even sure of her name but your wife of decades you ignore screw that.
your spouse most likely can earn more to support and after a while it is hard to be the constant cheerleader when they do NOT listen or take action.
Hey. I'm here to talk about it if you are willing to. 30 M here.
Hi @Dossema,
