@mytwistedsoul

Well there’s some communication and we’ve a space to vent and be genuine, so there's a little bit of that. I try to explain or convey things ok, but I'm kind of unable to trust anyone to understand or notice in general.

I’ve never been close to anyone, but I doubt anyone would be too familiar with what could trigger any sort of distress for me or anything. I did mention lots of things, but I doubt any would remember like I usually do for them.

As for moving - I’ve been away from the old apt. since a few years, despite visiting for weeks some times. Last year was the first year I managed to stay away a bit more, apart from in the holidays. I am completely broken mentally everytime I’ve to see that place honestly. It gets so bad for weeks after getting out, no matter how far. I mentioned not being there anymore in the sense that so many stressors aren’t there anymore and I used to function more familiarly and cohesively when feeling constant survival or wariness. Though maybe that's also an outdated thing at this point, since I've worked against those mechanisms for years. And yeah, moving is excessively stressful in its own ways for me, but not rn.

There’s just too many ways to answer that feeling of losing those things, and contexts that affect anxiety/fear/stress over it. Honestly I feel like I’ve to constantly be overly there for them to not go away, and at least 4 separate aspects of what’s going on right now could just go on for so long, and usually isolating doesn’t help at all. I’m not ready to talk of some difficult stuff.

Regardless, it’s just that I’ve disappeared and am really not feeling like I’ll feel able to go back any time soon, and will be so anxious about it once I’m ready. It’s like the 3rd time I go silent and idk if they’re as unconditional as I would always be. I don’t understand high maintenance people in any capacity, so it’s always anxious that some might be like that. I’m not able to feel bonds in any way, and it’s pretty new over there. I do need some of the isolation rn, and many parts are beyond overwhelmed - but my brain is just so unstable and intense, and it might only get worse and spiral. Idk when to accept that it won’t get better, or how to have a grip on whatever is going on enough to accept anything. It's actually going pretty awful right now mentally and functionally. But it’ll be figured out in some capacity idk

And like I was alluding to, I really feel like I’ve no cohesion or ground in self care anymore. I can’t trust anything right now or be adequately there. It’s making my anxiety so bad