I'm suicidal. Please help.

I literally feel like I'm stuck in this part of my life and the world is moving on!

I feel completely disconnected from reality, and I'm having constant passive suicidal ideations that occasionally (rarely) become active. I'm also having memory problems and losing track of time, like I can't tell if it has been seconds or minutes or even hours since the last thing I remember. I woud try to get help but I know my family can't afford a therapist right now. I reread my old diary and found out that I've had these thoughts since I was little, but they're worse now.

I feel completely disconnected from reality, and I'm having constant passive suicidal ideations that occasionally (rarely) become active. I'm also having memory problems and losing track of time, like I can't tell if it has been seconds or minutes or even hours since the last thing I remember. I woud try to get help but I know my family can't afford a therapist right now. I reread my old diary and found out that I've had these thoughts since I was little, but they're worse now.

My father wouldn't look at my mother.

I can feel the stress, too.

I've been so lonely lately, I have a small handful of friends but i'm so terrible talking or even keeping in contact with people, that i have got to the point of where i don't know what to do. i'm afriaid first of all, I feel like i'm working all the time in a job that was suppose to give me some freedom by paying off my rent then letting me actual free time and money to do things but thats a lot of shite. Then when things do slow down im terrified of have to go on benifits again because, i ,once again will have to always choose to stay inside and away from people because i can't afford to spend anything. I'm also a bit of an extreme introvert which makes it extrenely easy to isolate myself plus with a job that expect me to be in 6 days a week well should i even try.

Even night i start to feel depressed, then i get slightly stone (i want to it last), this doesn't help as i know this isn't fixing anything plus my flatmate is a complete puritan when it come to this sort of stuff, I have decided to stop for a bit, firstly so I will focus on what needs fixing (though work is shit so good luck to my prohibition) sceondly I want to be more health. However, when i start to feel depressed, I find myself saying things, that I don't want to say, such as "I hate you" then i have to convince myself I'm talking about my mistakes not myself or even my past self (this is not as bad as it use to be thankfully). Then ever other resentment starts clouding my mind which is a lot easier to distract myself with when stoned.

I am sick of the cycle, i am so sick of feeling this way and having it occanical slip out in public, even if people don't always realise it.

sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes, i needed to rant and not have a need to hold back or justify myself.

I feel depressed and my family just wants me to feel better but it's so hard to talk to people.

Shout out to the poor people, not is wealth but in mental health. Luv yah guys

I feel completly disconnected from the world right now. Everything feels like a dream- like it's not real. At school I try my best to pay attention but everything seems to pass over my head and I am having a hard time recalling information. My panic attacks and random body pains are becomming more frequent and I feel sad and exhausted all the time.

Financial problem stuck between a rock and a hard spot relationshipp shitty trying to lose my anger its part of me smh