I don't know how to find a place to fit into
I have been online for 21 years. It has taken me 21 years to come to the realization that I don't know what I am doing socially online. I don't know who or what to blame for this. I grew up during the 90's and I wasn't an internet person. I lived in the real world, and did the best I could to survive it. I don't think the majority of people ever liked me. For as long as I can remember, I always struggled with friendships. I couldn't see why, because I always tried to be kind to everyone. By the time I was in 6th grade people started bullying me. It wasn't just enduring name calling. They started tripping me in the hallways, hitting me in the head with book, licking their fingers and putting it in my ears. Making projectiles out of broken plastic rulers, and using rubber bands to shoot them at me. They also destroyed my things when they could. Some of the girls weren't nice to me either, and sometimes they would say eww. This continued until I graduated High School. One year after graduation, I lost control of my anxiety, and I started to spiral into a nervous break down. My doctor put me on medication that helped pull me out of it. (There is a lot more to this story.)
I am a Christian, and so Church was important to me. But the local Churches are not friendly to me. So I no longer attend Church. (There is a lot more to this story.)
I tried to look for local clubs. But since I live in the particular part of the state of Indiana, I couldn't find a club that I could fit into. There is one, maybe, but it is expensive. (There is more this story.)
I am a single guy and I wish I had a woman in my life. But since school was a failure, Church was a failure, and finding a club is also a failure. I had to try online dating, since, the only place I'm around women is at work. But I'm just a janitor for a school, and the women are all teachers and other support staff. They don't care about someone like me. Anyways the online dating thing went no where. I also tried to be involved with forums, chat rooms, and other social media. But at the end of the day they are all a flop. I couldn't tell you how many times I had to start all over!
I decided for my own sanity sake to write this. If you decide that you would like to be my friend or whatever. You need to be someone that is patient and graceful to me. Because I have been through a lot. I can do my best to be kind. But I can't be perfect. There is just too much damage to my feelings.
I think a lot of people can relate to how your feeling. When you feel like you dont quite fit into anything and seem to be forever looking for the place/people that you do fit.. it can leave you feeling really isolated.
I have definitely struggled with that in the past in childhood and after moving country also in my adult years. So I can sympathise there it's hard and lonely at times.
Don't give up though, try and join a group again that you like or something new in your area. You'll never know if you just stop. X
@tryingtosurvive2024 Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need someone to talk to or simply want a friend who listens, there are communities and individuals who will be there for you. Keep hope alive and remember that your journey, with all its ups and downs, is unique and valuable. You deserve kindness, patience, and understanding, and I believe you will find it.
@tryingtosurvive2024
how are you doing ? I hope everything is going well.
@sociableShip748 I am still living. But not improving. Recently I went through a week of sadness, and anxiety. I have an awkward relationship at work. I always hoped and prayed that it would get better. It kept going downhill. But never completely went away. Now all of a sudden everything is going to abruptly change, and I will never ever see that person again. But now I know where they are online. I read some of their stuff, and realized that I really never got to know them as good as I should of. It is their fault for not sharing more. But it makes me wonder, why didn't they? Was there something about me that made them feel unsafe. I really think that information would of made things go better for us.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I’m a Christian also my church lives respects me been there for 8 years also 2020,2024
@dhabib I am sorry, I don't understand your comment.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I been a church member my church family supports me it’s my healing needs
@tryingtosurvive2024 Your experiences sound really similar to mine, mostly regarding church.
Having grown up in a "christian" household with pastors/misisters for parents, I can confirm that it's not just you. In fact, the church / christian community is just as, in some cases more toxic than those they class as "non-christian". But, if you observe closely, christians don't even follow their own rules anyway, so try not to feel too bad about being rejected by hypocrites and toxic people.
Regarding wanting a woman in your life, I personally think you're being way too down on yourself. Being a janitor don't have to stop anything. In fact, a lot of guys I've met have super average jobs and they have no problem getting and maintaining from women. It's mostly a mental thing, and if you want to talk more about that i'll be happy to share some of my expereinces.
It's also super admirable that you value being kind and nice to people. But in the modern, digital age, thats like walking yourself into a meat grinder, unless you're on a platform like this. The aim of the social media game is to be as narcissistic as possible.
At least that's my perspective, and I have recently also stopped being so nice to people, because I notice most instantly lose respect for you when they experience your kindness.
The reason is highly convoluted and not worth stressing yourself over, but just understand that once you stop feeling the obligation to be so nice to people, and channel that into unapologetically respecting yourself, you may suddenly find yourself understanding why people are the way they are.
@tryingtosurvive2024hey Hi! How are you? I hope your doing well and found some awesome people here.
@Som19 Not to put anyone down, I have not found anyone here that I can talk with on a regular basis. In my 21 years of experience, most online friendships fizzle out in the first day. Some might last a few weeks and then fizzle out. Back when I got lucky, some would last a year, and then fizzle out. My hopes are not very high on that.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I am sorry to hear that, I can understand it's hard to maintain friendship online as sometimes people get busy and all.
@Som19 It is not just hard, it is impossible for me online or offline. Don't as me why, it is just the way it has always been for me. The older I get the worse it gets. I think it funny is a bad way, how so many people have told me "I'm just busy" as if that is supposed to somehow magically make me feel less alone and unappreciated. When enough people tell you "I'm just busy". You start to wonder, hmmm, maybe they are just making up excuses so that they don't have to be a friend.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Hey there, my dude. I am really sorry you are going through that. It sounds really ***. For what it's worth, I am a 26-year-old guy and have been in a fairly rough spot and have really never had connections with anyone thus far. I'm working on that, but I'm not holding my breath or anything. Just because people treated you like garbage doesn't reflect who you are as a person; as much as some people don't want to admit this, there are just some reprehensible, not great people on this Earth. These people get off on hurting others and humiliating them, but at the end of the day these people are just disgusting humans. Also, our occupations don't make us any more or and less human (you can also work to change your occupation if you are ever unhappy with it regardless of where you are in life), and you working one occupation and someone working another doesn't mean that you can't approach them or talk to them or whatever. If someone treats you otherwise, ignore them and move on from them People can be super judgmental with a closet full of skeletons. You will get out of your life what you put into it, and the best advice I can give is to keep pushing forward and only include those in your life that are truly worth it. If you ever want to talk, I am always here and happy to help.
I feel you! I think I peaked socially in the years of 2018-19 before COVID hit and I lost connection with most of my friends. Now that I am 23 and I have been out of university for almost a year now, I realized that I don't really fit in anywhere. Most of my social life is spent online on apps like Boo and in online video game communities such as chat rooms on Overwatch.
@PopPunkPrincess17 I understand. Even at the school, I clean up after, something about the atmosphere changed. I remember teachers socializing with each other out in the hallways, and joking around. Sometime around 2021 things really changed fast! Now everyone is very quiet. And as Janitor I can't get anyone to talk to me. At least not very often.
