What's wrong with me?
I broke up with him because he dismissed my "no"s and pushed me. Guilted me. I felt worthless if I didn't...I felt like if I didn't we would fight and he would break up with me. And we had this talk so many times. And he'd say all the right things but we'd go back to it again. I would fall apart, he would comfort me, then try again.
Every encounter started a panic. It's my fault.
It's been months and I still cry every day because I miss him. But I'm also terrified of him.
I can't tell anyone because I want him back and my friends/family would hate him. But I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me.
I'm confused and hurting
Dear @niceAcai9918, There's nothing wrong with you!
You're right about how confusing it is. It's hard. We tend to yearn for the sense of closeness, we miss the attachment. And when it is gone, the world seems emptier and lonelier. And our family/friends, who perhaps became disgusted at what we tolerated, cannot always understand.
I agree wholeheartedly with what the others have said above about the strength it takes to cope with such situations. And I have experienced the deep confusion of loving someone who is harmful for me in some important ways. (And you're right, it doesn't mean they're bad people or intended to hurt us. Sometimes they're needy, damaged and confused; it's often said that hurt people hurt people.)
Sometimes getting away physically is key. Some people call this geographical detachment. It's important, but it's only a first step, I think.
The more important step is learning emotional detachment, in my experience. I learned about that kind of healthy detachment from a wonderful therapist and from going to meetings of Al-Anon for Family Members. And reading about co-dependence, and reading about loving detachment.
Dear one, there are reasons that many women (and men) are attracted to and become attached to people who try to control them and tend to hurt them. It can feel comfortable in ways that may stem from our histories and our views of ourselves.
Sometimes we crave attachment so strongly and fear rejection/abandonment so deeply that we accept things that are unacceptable. We can become so accustomed to being manipulated that after a while it doesn't seem that bad! It can feel almost normal.
I hope you can find wisdom and strength from the 7 Cups community. And perhaps in your area there are some support groups that might help with healing and learning. And professional counselors can be immensely helpful, when our need for the attachment overcomes our better judgment of what is good for us.
Please feel free to click on my name at the top of this post and send me a message if you would like to talk sometime. This process of discovering your real worth and learning healthier, more independent habits isn't easy at first. But it is so wonderful when we can start to breathe freely and truly love ourselves, and love others without all that manipulation, controlling, negativity, drama, and judgments.
It is scary to leave what's familiar and sail to a new world. But there is wonderful opportunity and freedom in that new world. And once you're there, I think you're gonna love it.
Congratulations on the progress you've made so far! Good for you!!
Dear @niceAcai9918 and @Melloncollie1985,
I don't know if you're teens, but if you are, there's helpful info in the 7 Cups Forum about Prevention of Teen Dating Violence.
Teen Dating Violence includes being pressured to engage in sexual activities you don't want. Here are some links about sexual pressure from boyfriends/girlfriends/dates and other types of dating violence:
The amazing @RebeccaEmily wrote about it in this forum thread.
Other forum discussions at 7 Cups are HERE (@iara's great discussion) and HERE.
And much of the info applies to everyone, any age. It's just that inexperienced young people are often more vulnerable.
@monbon
