Feeling so isolated
I feel like I should apologise even before I write this message for its contents, and for the way I'm feeling right now, and for the downright depressing tone of what I have to say. At the moment I just feel completely isolated from the people around me, people who care, some of them know what happened to me. I feel alone, I feel lonely - it's ridiculous but I can't avoid that feeling, it really makes me feel so so worthless that some of those who care that I'm trying to reach out to, I'm having to chase them and I just want to feel like they actually care enough to contact me without having to be prompted. The recent news that the therapy I was counting on has been massively delayed - I've literally gone to the back of the queue easily 6 months before anything starts and even then it's just an assessment prior to another wait before the actual therapy takes place. In the meantime I've cancelled my therapist I was seeing because I don't think she was right for me I don't think she was is experienced enough, and yeah having done that it's just magnified the feeling of isolation that I've got at the moment. It's also strange that having found out not that long ago that one of my abusers is now dead my brain is trying to process it and and I just feel so completely let down. Let down by the system, by life and just disappointed by why what's going on right now. It's only now I start realising how much it would have meant to me to have confronted to my abuser face to face and got him to account for what he did to me, to appreciate, to recognise, to understand the impact it's had on me and those around me, to answer for he did. And in the meantime I'm chasing the police to try and get some questions I need answered and again it's like radio silence. I don't have the energy to chase anymore. I need something or somebody to pick me up and to give me a hand and to pull me along, to pull me up from this dark and depressing place that find myself in right now. I'm sick of these sensations, just not wanting to to approach things that I know I need to get on with just like I don't have the energy, the willpower or the motivation to do things I need to do do. And yeah I've got my family counting on me. I just don't feel like I've got anything or anybody to lean on. And right now that's what I want to do that's what I need to do - I need to lean on something or somebody because otherwise I just feel like I'm going off the edge of this cliff I'm standing on. 😢