Feeling so isolated
I feel like I should apologise even before I write this message for its contents, and for the way I'm feeling right now, and for the downright depressing tone of what I have to say. At the moment I just feel completely isolated from the people around me, people who care, some of them know what happened to me. I feel alone, I feel lonely - it's ridiculous but I can't avoid that feeling, it really makes me feel so so worthless that some of those who care that I'm trying to reach out to, I'm having to chase them and I just want to feel like they actually care enough to contact me without having to be prompted. The recent news that the therapy I was counting on has been massively delayed - I've literally gone to the back of the queue easily 6 months before anything starts and even then it's just an assessment prior to another wait before the actual therapy takes place. In the meantime I've cancelled my therapist I was seeing because I don't think she was right for me I don't think she was is experienced enough, and yeah having done that it's just magnified the feeling of isolation that I've got at the moment. It's also strange that having found out not that long ago that one of my abusers is now dead my brain is trying to process it and and I just feel so completely let down. Let down by the system, by life and just disappointed by why what's going on right now. It's only now I start realising how much it would have meant to me to have confronted to my abuser face to face and got him to account for what he did to me, to appreciate, to recognise, to understand the impact it's had on me and those around me, to answer for he did. And in the meantime I'm chasing the police to try and get some questions I need answered and again it's like radio silence. I don't have the energy to chase anymore. I need something or somebody to pick me up and to give me a hand and to pull me along, to pull me up from this dark and depressing place that find myself in right now. I'm sick of these sensations, just not wanting to to approach things that I know I need to get on with just like I don't have the energy, the willpower or the motivation to do things I need to do do. And yeah I've got my family counting on me. I just don't feel like I've got anything or anybody to lean on. And right now that's what I want to do that's what I need to do - I need to lean on something or somebody because otherwise I just feel like I'm going off the edge of this cliff I'm standing on. 😢
Yeah me too, i feel the same way manuy times, but I blame my ego and overly self centred image of myself, I think, that works for me actually... And then I feel more positive to talk to others....
I feel like whenever I let go of myself image and ego that I want to prevent in front of others, and apologize and show gratitude to them, I feel super energized, I feel liek, whatever I was running away from has energized me actually! It's just my practical experience. I also listen to some specific soundtracks, it just lifts me up to feel that self esteem in myself!
It sounds as though you are navigating a profoundly difficult period. Know that we are with you. Hotlines are great for finding qualified listeners; loveisrespect.org is another good resource. Healing isn't linear, but it does happen (I know from experience). And support networks aren't always people—sometimes, they're music, movies, books. I hope you find healing however it comes to you.
@Grits1910, I know that place,that edge of the proverbial cliff, that cold dark place. I know that feeling of utter aloneness even surrounded by caring ppl. It's the pain of the dark place your trauma injury takes you to. This situation is so out of a normal person's experience that you feel alone. How does someone understand the grooming experience if they haven't been a victim of it. I'm so sorry one of the perps is dead and you can't tell that person how you feel. Know God will show his justice, He will speak for you. So many days I need someone to take over so I don't have to do this alone anymore. So many days I want to give up. So many nights I wake up blaming myself for getting into this situation, allowing my perp to abuse me, failing to have the guts to report him. I am still suffering so much shame and guilt. Because I was a vulnerable child abuse sufferer I was the perfect victim as an adult. I hate myself for being so unfortunate to be in this painful position with no way of reversing it. Some days I can go along and do things with some peace but it's not often. I have so many triggers. I can't watch tv I can't read certain books I can't listen to certain ppl yelling at their kids I can't look at certain vehicles. I feel helpless sometimes. I wish I was stone cold Steve Austin instead of a small weak girl at 115 lbs. I wish I had $$ to fight back I wish I had power to fight back. I can't sleep I'm struggling with insane anxiety and my pain inside my mind and my physical ailment is like torture. I'll hold your hand here virtually for what it's worth. I need a person who really understands me without judgement of what has happened. Ppl are mean and cruel, they feed off others darkness to make themselves feel higher, better than. I wish this society was more caring, understanding, and supportive of something they know nothing about. I want to run away....I'm so sorry I'm so depressed, I don't want to drag you down. Here's my hand 🖐️for what it's worth. Grits your a fighter, so brave don't give up, I know you can do this. Your amazing and I'm cheering you on from here. 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I was thinking about you and grits, just wanted to check how you were doing.
@adventurouBranch3786
Thank you so much for asking after me. I'm sorry I haven't been around, I've just retreated from alot of stuff lately. I can't lie, I am struggling with alot of grief. I know I know, focus on the present and let go of the past because you can't change it. It's easier said than done because basically my life was stolen by my childhood abuse. It was so severe I couldn't face it so I faked my way thru life and now I'm looking for my real self with limited help, funds, friends etc. After every thing I have survived this part is the most difficult. Still working on forgiving myself. I hope your doing well Branch pls let me know because I care. I really care about others suffering, survival, and loneliness ....I too care about grits and I hope he's ok...I know how difficult it is. 💜ABB.
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) it's good to read your words again - I am sorry to hear that you're struggling. It's hard - so very hard to try and find ourselves under the mountain of debris we've been handed
I know it's not the same as real life in person support but there are many of us here who understand some or alot of what you're going through - we stand beside you
I send you peace and strength today ABB
You're in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul thx for your kind unwavering support. It makes a difference and helps alot. I hope your doing well. I know I've been off for awhile. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a place of peace and happiness. I've talked to my sibs and they too wonder the same. Is it possible for us to find what we deserve before we leave earth.?? Idk ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 That's a really good question. Id like to say - I hope so but Idk. My grandparents used to say that those who suffer most during their time on earth have a more heavenly reward - which isn't much help in the here and now and the relationship I have with god is - practically non-existent. That path to forgiveness hasn't come to me yet. I do hope that one day you do find peace - you deserve it
@Grits1910 Hi I haven't seen you posting around here in a while and just wanted to see how you were doing.