Considering reporting to the police

Grits, I have pondered that same question. My CPTSD is so severe I couldn't handle rehashing in a public situation to strangers, police, lawyers, etc. I tried actually to get an attorney but everyone I asked couldn't help , some conflict. I wrote a 6 page letter to these lawyers and no help. I took it as a sign that it's not meant to be and now SOL is run out and one of my abusers is deceased . But I get it , sick and tired of these criminals getting away with their behaviors. But I don't know all your details and it might be the right thing to do for you and your healing. I understand. Sending healing vibes to you. ABB 💜

*TW" @amiableBlackberry92 Thank you for taking the time to respond to me again. I started the process yesterday, meeting with an independent advocate who will support me through the reporting process. It was so unimaginably difficult to tell my story - breaking down repeatedly, having panic attacks at the thought of what happened. It's 4am now and I've only got about 2 hours sleep so far. But...I feel strangely satisfied, pleased that I could finalky say what happened to me and be ok with yet another person knowing. I even disclosed to my wife how my abuser worked up from hugging and kissing me all the way to raping me, a fact I never thought myself able to tell anyone. I'm calmer now but still having vivid flashbacks which makes me wake in such a panic. F*cking hate it and the way it makes me feel. I know it's going to be a long journey and I hope I've got the strength for it. Having told my boss about starting the process to disclose to the police, she was so lacking in empathy, more concerned about me getting the evidence needed to show I had an appointment, then when I said that I was not in a good place and may take time away from work, she out pressure on, telling me I'd benefit from the routine. She doesn't get that I wouldn't be asking for the time off if I felt like I had a choice ... A choice between staying in work and ending up in hospital which is what happened a couple of weeks back, or taking the time to avoid breaking down in front of my colleagues. Some people are so insensitive and lacking empathy - I just needed her to recognise that my health class first, and to support me whatever decision I make (within reason).

Grits, I'm so proud of you!! Wow your so strong to report this, amazing, it had to be one of the hardest things to do. Your very lucky to have such a supportive wife that you can share your darkest parts of life's journey. I'm sorry about the lack of boss support. I had the same problem. I did take the time I needed especially when sleep is impossible I didn't want to end up in hospital either. your right your health is first above all else. I hope you can get someone to give meds for sleep. Sleep is crucial to your ability to cope. Your doing a great job despite everything!! I am happy to support you here. ABB💜

@amiableBlackberry92 You're right - yesterday was the toughest, most emotionally traumatising day ever. I'm so so tired now, drained and numb, but still satisfied, and pleased that in some way I'm getting some release by doing this. Yes, yesterday was the first baby steps in a massively long journey, and the advocate warned me that I need to prepare myself for the proper interview, and the process of recording the interview may take me more than a day. Can't quite imagine that, but hopefully the next step will be fairly soon. I was back in work today, and had a fairly good day of it - the routine did help, but hoping I'll get more sleep tonight as I can't continue on 2 hours a night! I'm so lucky to have my wife and family, can't believe how honest I was in telling her some of the detail last night. Today's a good day, and although I'm aware there's going to be some massive ups and downs along the way, I'm going to take today as a good sign, and hope that the next step in this process isn't too much to handle.

Grits I believe you can handle it and you have the support to do it. Yes it will have it's very rough parts but in the end you will feel better and healing will take place along the way. Your on a hard but rewarding path for yourself. But you are incredibly strong you can call yourself"Survivor" because you are!! I'm here and available if you need support from someone who experienced and gets it ! ABB💜

@Grits1910

Hello, Grits 💖

I wish I could say something useful but I don't have any idea about how to make a report to police or something. What I do know is that it requires a lot of courage and I'm so happy to see that you're brave enough to do it. I can only wish you good luck with it. You're an inspiration here and I wish I could follow your example.

I send you a big hug and the best of lucks.

@Kimmkimm Thank you... You made me smile! 🤭 I'm fortunate to have engaged with a local support service that provides a dedicated person to help guide me through this process, and I've been having the initial conversations over the past few days. I found out today though that in terms of physical face to face presence throughout police interview, I'm not allowed this person as support, so trying to get myself mentally prepared to be on my own. Not looking forward to it, but still fuelled by something inside telling me I need to do this. Just hope I can keep myself sufficiently under control to get through it. I'm also worried that I've been admitted to hospital recently with a heart arrythmia which caused me to stop breathing. This was triggered by stress, so I'm really hopeful that going through this my body won't give up on me, and give me the energy and support I need. Fingers crossed... Grits

@Grits1910

Oh no. Arrhythmia are so annoying and scary. I hope it's nothing bad. I have tachyarrhythmia quite often because of my Wolf Parkinson White and I ocassionaly faint. It is scary, but it always gets better. I hope you also get better. Please be kind to yourself and pay attention to what your body is telling you.

It's good to know that there is a person who can guide you in all this process. As I said, you're too brave and you're doing a good action. Sometimes I get scared because I think I didn't report that person, and that person may be there somewhere, hurting other people. It is a sad thought and it makes me feel guilty. So yes, I'm so proud of you, and I'm thankful.

Thank you. 😘

Grits, I am here cheering you on!! I can see this is physically affecting you. I'm so sorry. Please take good care as you are the hero here for the ones who cannot report. Your amazing. I look forward to and pray for your success wether big or small, this is an incredible journey your sharing . Thank you, ABB💜

@Kimmkimm @amiableBlackberry92 Thank you both for your kind words of support - they really do mean so much to me! It's weird... Talking to my independent advocate about how I am, doing a risk assessment and then discussing the next steps of how to report, what will happen etc etc, you'd think I'd be soaking it all up and feeding my anxiety, but for some strange reason, no. Instead, I've got an inner voice telling me that I'm finally on the right path. Not really caring (at least right now) if the police do anything, but at the very least I know that they'll know and will be able to use my evidence should my abuser have been named by anyone else. So nervous, yes, but keen to get a move on and start the ball rolling. I'll probably look back at this moment and regret this desire to rip the plaster off, but I'm going ahead all the same. Trying to compartmentalise the worry about being on my own with strangers, telling a story I don't want to relive, ever again, and the worry of that being only the first in a series of times I'll have to tell it. What have I got myself into? I need to know I can do this. I can. I need to. Oh how I need to do this.

Grits one step at a time and you'll do great!...it's I think a healing process for you no matter the outcome. I'm thrilled for you. 💜ABB

@Grits1910

Of course you can do this. You already started and if you decided to stop, you still walked way a long way. No one said it would be an easy road and there will surely be some bumps and obstacles, but you already started walking it, and that's remarkable. And now the ball is rolling and it will surely get bigger, as a snowball down the hill. And it was you the one who started it. Changes start with a little movement, so be proud you caused it.

I wish I could hug you for real. 🤗🤗🤗

@Kimmkimm @amiableBlackberry92 The pair of you are like twin blessings, sent to make me smile, to ground me, and reassure me when I most need it. I thank my angels that you're around, as your words, and the power of your words make so much difference to calming my beating heart, reducing the anxiety and above all making me aware that I'm not alone. Your thoughts help me reinforce the sense that I'm ready for this... Just got to find the right time when I can take the time to make the first phone call without interruption, when I have the time to concentrate on me and nobody else (doesn't often happen!). Yes, nerves are building this morning after another night's broken sleep, but I'm a little more confident I can crack this, and with the inner drive that I know I need to do this for me, for my own sanity, to get back the control that he took away from me all those years ago, makes me want to shout out loud 'Look at me now. Look at the one you tried to silence. You can't control this, you can't control me, and you won't'. (That's the polite version of what I really want to say!!) *Hugs* to both of you - I don't know what I did to deserve your kindness! 🤗🤭Grits

Grits, you are , therefore you deserve. Shout out loud all you want in your car or on a walk shout it out! It helps💜ABB

@Grits1910

It's nice to know that you smile with us. I think that's what this is about, helping each other. It's not about deserving someone or something.

It also helps me to see that there is hope in the future. I hope to be as strong as you when I grow up. Maybe I'm still too young and everything is still fresh in my memory, but I hope I can become braver when I grow up.

I am too sad today and I'm not of much help. I hope everything turns fine for you.

💗

Kimm, I'm sorry you had a rough day. I have faith in your strength and you will get braver with each day because your strong. I have some pretty rough days too and it makes it hard to see hope. This is why I'm here on 7 cups....it helps me when I need to find hope. I'm praying tomorrow is a better day for you💜ABB

@amiableBlackberry92

Thank you so much, ABB. You're so kind and a blessing, as Grit said. Thank you for considering me in your prayers. I hope tomorrow be a good day for us all.

💜

I'm happy to be here for you. I know that sad pain and it hurts. It needs sharing with ppl who understand so you don't feel alone. 💜ABB

@amiableBlackberry92

Loneliness is unbearable. I'm glad I have people like you here.

Can't believe it... Finally made the first phone call to the police, got my first appointment to report later today, in person at a police station. Yes, I'm really upset and found the process of speaking out loud hugely traumatic, but still I'm as prepared as I ever will be to take the next step. Trying to keep my mind off it, keep busy, keep my brain focused on mundane things, and trying to stop my heart racing, my concentration is gone, but I need to do this, I know I do. Fingers crossed. I hope I'll get through this.

@Grits1910

You made it! The most difficult step to take is the first one and you already took it. I can't imagine how you feel. So nervous, so agitated, scared, I don't know. But you did it. I supose it will get a little easier as you keep walking. For now, you deserve to be proud of yourself.

Keeping one's mind busy and away from some thoughts is hard. It always helps me to listen to some of my favourite music.

I need to go to sleep now. I hope you have a great day tomorrow. A little kiss for you 😘

Grits, this is so great!! First step is hardest but the next ones will be easier. I think it is important that they see how much this trauma has affected you and your life so it's ok to show upset. They need to know. You are so strong and determined I know you will succeed !!💜ABB

Well I finally did it... Had the first interview with the police last night, took over 4 hours... Absolutely exhausted. 😴 The police officer was good - fairly easy to talk to, clear about what happens next, personable and above all she didn't push me at any point, as at times I couldn't speak, couldn't think straight and was just overwhelmed by the emotion of it all. Looking back on it again I realised the extent, the depth of the depravity, the evil that I went through, the abuse of power, the complete failure to respect me or my rights at any point by so many people. I'm happy in a strange way to have done it, to have gone through the trauma of last night, reliving each element of the abuse in excruciating detail. At least now I'm fairly confident that I have the guarantees from the police that I control what happens next, they can't proceed without my permission. Now begins the waiting game... As I don't live in the same region where the abuse took place, I have to wait for the police there to get in touch, and then, if either abuser is alive, I have to go through it all again, on camera. But I feel like I've got back some of the control I lost, the control that was stolen from me all those years ago. That feels ok... That feels good.

@Grits1910 You are my hero. I'm so proud of what you've accomplished. It takes years to get to a point to be able to tell and you did it!! You are the voice of so many who are unable and have no voice. The strength it takes to do that interview with police is gigantic. You are so strong! You give ppl like me hope. Thank you, I needed to see your success , because I was groomed as an adult there's a bigger stigma for me. Most would say that I participated willingly. And there's a limit of time that will run out. I'm not strong enough to handle the backlash of doubters because of my age at the time. If I was a minor it would be different. The world will stand behind a child victim easily. I have so much excitement for you, not only for healing but potential Justice!! You Rock grits, your healing will be there along the way on this journey, I can see it already as you say getting your control/power back. It's Amazing! I'm here for you, Best, ABB💜

@Grits1910

Congratulations, Grits, you've done what most of us don't even dare to dream about. I guess it must feel so satisfying to know that you have regained control. No one will take adventage of you again. I wish you success in all this process. As @amiableBlackberry92 said, you rock! It's moving to see people like you and ABB and it's nice to see that there is still good in this world. Thank you, you two, you're the best.

I'm sorry not to be able to join your joy and hope. Please take care. 💖💜

@Kimmkimm Kim, rest assured you will feel better and find joy and hope -it just takes time. Time and alot of help and you can do it. I have severe childhood abuse and sexual assault on my list of many other things that I'm working thru. If I can do it you can too. Your young and have an amazing future awaiting you. I'm alot older and have struggled unbelievably. I have faith in you , you can be the change you want to see in others! best 💜ABB ( I care )

@amiableBlackberry92

I hope you're right. It's just that I can't wait for that time to come. I wish I was ok now.

@Kimmkimm, I know your lonely and it feels like forever when your struggling with this pain. This kind of pain feels unbearable and ppl don't understand it because they can't see it... But your not alone there's a bunch of us survivors out here cheering and praying for your healing. One of my biggest hurdles was getting past the physical feeling of my perps touch. So I wrote about it in detail over and over in a journal. The biggest part was finding a way thru my writing to forgive him. It was something I couldn't stop thinking about so I wrote out everything I was thinking and flashbacks all of it. It was like releasing it in a way. Then I burned the pages ( safely of course). It felt like a freedom in a way. Of course it's not perfect but it definitely helped. I can't feel his touch anymore. Now I'm trying to forgive my self for falling victim to him. Difficult to do. Keep staying busy hug you friends and family and know you're not alone...💜ABB

@amiableBlackberry92

You're right, I'm not alone. My friends here keep me company and people like you give me hope. It helps so much.

I will definitely try writing it all and burning. I don't know how to thank you ABB. You make me feel like I can do this. 💕

Hello, Your are influential for others! Keep doing what is right.

Can't believe tomorrow I'm doing the video interview with the police. The time has passed so quickly that I haven't had time to process all the feelings that tomorrow's event holds for me... Kinda think that's good in a way - overthinking this is definitely something I was afraid of, and being just a few hours away from finally doing this without having spent hours thinking over it, I feel that's good. What is really pulling me down though is the incessant anxiety, triggering me into being sick up to four times a day, really wearing me down, and making me so tired. Tired to my bones. I wish I could control this sensation, as the constant nausea and periodic vomiting is overwhelming. It stops me communicating properly with others around me as I can't concentrate properly, and my internal monologue telling me to shut off from others, to not pain them with how I feel, partly through worry over the reaction I'll get to showing that 'something ELSE is wrong with me' (other than what's already known), partly through not wanting to bring those I care about into the dark place I'm inhabiting right now. And the weirdest thing is that I'm most worried about what happens after the interview tomorrow. What then? What happens once the control of this situation is passed to the police? What do I do with how I'm going to be left feeling afterwards? Someone close asked me recently whether I could see my therapist just once every two weeks rather than once a week... Seriously!! Right now I feel like I'm drowning, like tomorrow is necessary to give me some sense of control back, but so worried about what the future holds. I really hate my inability to calm myself down... I'm normally a really calm person, something others note about me, and despite still managing to maintain a partial facade to hide how I'm feeling inside, it's really taking its toll. I'm praying I'll get through tomorrow in one piece, that I'll come out the other side in a more positive state than last time I had an interview (ended up with serious thoughts of SH). Hurry up...I want to blink and fast forward right now...

@Grits1910 I am so proud of you, your strength is inspiring. See how strong you are going to work everyday and being part of a family and friends is awesome. You are amazing, just keep going one step at a time. I know you can do this because your the hero for the ones who can't fight back. At one point I had to see my therapist 2x a week. My anxiety got to a point I had to take medication. I disassociate under anxiety stress. Anyway I'm including you in my prayers for success and getting justice. I think your path is about you being our voice in the area of sexual abuse, and bringing the spotlight onto this huge criminal behavior going on that ppl are getting away with. We are lucky to have 7cups to share our darkest struggles. Ppl here understand. That's one of my biggest fears ....... judgement. You are a warrior! Thank you for being a fighter. 💜ABB

@amiableBlackberry92 and @Grits1910

You two are an inspiration to everyone else. I'm so glad I got to meet you two in here. Grits is so strong and "wise" (I can't find a better word to express what I think but I've seen how much you know when you reply to my threads) and ABB is so compassionate and sweet.

Grits: though I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, I understand anxiety and uneasiness, that anguishing sensation of waiting for a scary situation. I don't know what will pass but I know it will pass. Sometimes I find hope in that, in knowing that, no matter how scary things are, they will pass and I will go back to normal. And, while things come to pass, I get myself as busy as I can so I have no time to think about what will happen until it has already happened.

I know you'll do great. I know you have so much strength and bravery in you and you will be able to do it. I hope everything goes well and I'll be waiting to know how it went. I'm rooting for you.

With love 💖

Kimmy.

@kimmkimm @amiableblackberry92 Thank you so much for your kindness, your empathy and just being there when I most need you! After a day with the police yesterday, I'm feeling totally drained and exhausted, but managed to sleep a dreamless sleep for once! God how I needed it... It was a tumultuous day yesterday, really heavy going, but I'm through the other side. I have another day booked as I'm not finished yet, but I'm feeling okay, feeling as prepared as I can be, particularly now I have more understanding of what to expect. The two police officers were really nice, understanding without sympathy, judgment or criticism, and both experienced in what they do. Although it was almost entirely just me talking, I feel that I can trust them, and content (as much as I can be) with trusting them to respect my wishes in the way the situation will unfold. Weirdly I now find thinking about some of the most traumatic experiences I went through, slightly easier to think about, as I've now vocalised these memories out loud for the first time. I'm still shocked, and found that particularly hard to handle, as saying what happened out loud made so clearly evident the extent to which my abusers took advantage of me on so many occasions. My memories are even clearer now, and I'm really struggling with that, as I can remember situations like they happened yesterday. Put me in one of the buildings where the abuse took place and blindfold me, I'm sure I could find my way around. I'm really pissed that my clarity of thought in relation to the traumatic experiences I went through is overwhelmingly clear, and yet my memories of my positive childhood experiences is practically non existent. Why the fuck is that fair? To have the right to my childhood ripped away from me. And one other thing from yesterday... The police informed me that they know at least one of my abusers is still alive. I couldn't believe it when I heard. I burst into tears immediately, felt so vulnerable, scared and worried. But now, thinking about it, I'm just impatient to find out about my other abuser, whether he's still around, so I can get some clarity on what the future might hold.

@Grits1910.. you should be so proud of this healing accomplishment. I can only imagine what it was like retelling, reliving, feelings of fear , insecurities, doubts and all those horrible experiences spoken outloud. I can't even write the R word nevermind say it. You know it happened and it was awful and saying it outloud is difficult to do. I am amazed at your strength! I'm so glad to hear the police were well trained and were very good to you. What a shock for you to hear about one of your abusers is alive. Wow. Purging all that information helped you sleep for the first time too. Amazing how telling brings forth clarity of just how awful what our abusers did was. Our stolen childhood brings me such grief. I'm trying to come to terms with it, not easy to do. I can say truthfully I have been struggling terribly as this month holds some major past events for me and not pleasant ones. Some events from childhood and some from as recent as 3 years ago and 1 year ago. Sometimes I feel like a magnet for abuse of some sort. Physical and emotional abuse , R, SA, Bullying,etc. I don't go out often . Ppl scare me. @old1 started a thread under trauma about loss of childhood from trauma. I related to alot said in that thread. It's grief. We are grieving losses of innocence, a real childhood, a life. You my friend are a living hope. Hope I haven't ever seen before. Hope is elusive. I'm so thrilled at your bravery and success. More to come for you and I look forward to seeing you heal and get the justice you deserve.! I'm right here should you ever need an ear. Your handle should be gritshero! ABB 💜

@Grits1910 You so brave. These are really hard things to say out loud. I'm glad that you had a good night's sleep and hope that there will be many more.

@Grits1910

🥺🤗🥰

And so I've reached the next point in this journey. Feels like I'm journaling in this thread! Today was the second video interview with the police. It was really hard I can't believe how much I felt it traumatised me, reliving every one of those awful memories describing things in such detail necessary to make it clear exactly what took place. I'm so exhausted. Just so so tired. Tired of thinking about what happened and reliving situations that I never possible, thinking about times that I just want to wipe from my memory and get rid out of my system once and for all. It hurts so much that the only crappy memories I have of my childhood are of this toxic waste and what happened and what they did to me. I'm so pissed that these toxic memories are taking up space in my brain when my memories should be of happiness and love. I found out today that it is likely that one of my two of users may be dead. One of them is definitely alive, and the police today indicated that they will be arresting him and interviewing him. It makes me so scared to think of this, think of him being interviewed. I'm scared that he and and the other abuser know where I live, where my family lives, where I work, I'm not that hard to find! That scares me, it really scares me and I don't know what to do. The police have told me that he will have bail conditions so he isn't allowed to come near me but I don't trust this and I don't trust that he wouldn't approach my family. To this day my parents still don't know what happened and I'm not ready to tell them so the thought of him approaching my parents is too much to handle. I don't know what to do about this. I've asked the police not to tell me when they interview one of the abusers as I know what I'm like, that I will just sit there overthinking it and panicking, I'm now wondering whether this was a wise decision to ask the police to not tell me. I feel so dirty so absolutely dirty like I just want to jump in the shower and scrub myself clean after adding to relive sensations and feelings and memories of such evil. I really hate this feeling. I feel disgusted with myself. The worst thing of all it is that telling it out loud first for makes it feel even more real and telling it out loud makes it so horribly clear how much I was controlled, how much they took advantage of me. I'm so angry I'm so intensely angry with both of my abusers and what they did to me. How f****** dare they how dare they take advantage of me without a thought or a care for the way it would make me feel. How dare they use me for their own sick purposes. How f****** dare they treat me like a piece of s*** on their shoe. Like a disposable wrapper to chuck in the garbage when they were finished with me. I'm resisting the urge to throw something at the wall, to smash something. I want to scream and shout and saying it was not ok, I was not ok, I am not ok. And now the shittiest thing of the whole sorry situation is that the police want to interview my wife and my best friend to find out what I said when I first told them, to corroborate my story, to support my evidence and to support if this ever goes to court. It's so crap that they have to to be pulled into this but yet again, the people closest to me are having to cope with the collateral damage because of what happened and I have no control over this. I can't believe that they have to to be pulled into this, it's so unfair.

@grits1910. Oh grits I'm so sorry. I feel your anger and every bit of it is valid in every way.!! You are aloud to feel exactly the way you do! The fact that you had to re-traumatise yourself with your account of what happened is awful. I get it I re told my story a thousand times to my therapist because I don't know, I just did I guess to try to get past it . You never really get past it , you just try to find ways to cope with all the fall out of emotions. One of the reasons I didn't tell is because I know I couldn't, I couldn't drag my family in and I wouldn't survive ppls reactions, judgements and opinions. I'm not strong like you I'd probably off myself.... This is why you are such a hero for me. Because you are like superman so strong to go after them and take the opportunity to get justice. All of this suffering will pay off for you in your healing journey. Your wife and best friend are likely happy to support you. They love and care about you, They want you to get justice and I'm sure are incredibly proud of your strength!! It's ok to yell that what they did was horribly criminal. Yell it outloud it helps. Btw, They are the piece of dirt on the bottom of Your shoe, you were an innocent and you did nothing wrong, you survived !! You my friend are a survivor and give hope to me as I know I will never get justice and I am changed forever.....I am here for you Grits I feel your pain and I'm happy to support you in this small way on 7 cups. 💜ABB

@amiableblackberry92 Your support here is no small thing - it goes a long way to making me feel better about the whole situation, and makes it marginally easier to cope with the way I'm feeling right now. Weirdly one of the police texted me yesterday to ask how I am (not that I mind her texting) - I'm just finding it really hard to know how to respond to her. 'I'm OK' is a lie, and as for dumping on her the real answer I don't even know where to start. I feel like I need to be around people today, but as one of my kids is self-isolating I'm stuck at home. 😟 Not a great start to the day... And we're having to take home off work for the next 10 days because of it. Could do without the additional opportunity to overthink things!! On a positive note, my meds have been increased so hopefully I'll see an improvement in my mood sometime soon. Still not sleeping at all well, but that's my new normal. I've also decided to fix a time to talk with my brother and sister, alone, without kids in tow, as I need to share with them and ask what they knew of what happened. I appreciate what you've said about surviving people's reactions, judgement and opinions, and my response is that I know my brother and sister love me, and I love them, and I trust that although it's going to be so hard to tell them, and it will definitely be hard for them to hear it, our blood connection will get us through this. I don't know where my faith in this is coming from, but I'm ok not to second guess my instincts. 🤗