Considering reporting to the police
After thinking about this for what seems like forever I'm thinking about disclosing/reporting to the police. It seems like such an ordeal but strangely I want to talk about what happened, as I can't keep on living like this. Suicidal thoughts are just the least of it, and I want to get it out there if that makes any sense. Part of it is dealing with the white hot anger I feel towards my main abuser, and others who've since abused me. Sick to my core of the way it makes me feel, but also so worried about how others will view me, how I'll make it through the reporting, how I'd handle reliving it all. Anyone ever had experience of this? Advice about how to handle it? Help!
Hello, Grits. How are you doing? I hope things are starting to go better for you and you're feeling better. I send you tons of hugs.
@kimmkimm It's very kind of you to reach out to me. Bless you! I'm doing ok at the moment, and although I'm still getting constant flashbacks that are making it really difficult to get a good night's sleep (it's 4am and I'm wide awake) during the day it's easier, particularly as my responsibilities at work have changed, so I'm busier than ever doing things I don't normally do. The new challenges are keeping my mind occupied during the day which does make it easier to cope at the moment. I'm planning to speak to my brother and sister about what happened as I have this overwhelming need to apologise to them for being so deceitful all these years, hiding the truth of what occurred, demonstrating what a good actor I've become. I also remember my sister commenting about one of my abusers that 'everyone knows he's a paedophile' when I was trying to disclose to my mum. I need to understand what she knew at the time, to figure out what she knew of what was going on. I'm having trouble reaching out to my brother and sister as I have this nagging feeling that I don't deserve to take their time, I don't have the right to disturb their lives and certainly no right to shatter their perception of what really took place all those years ago. Yet another hurdle to overcome. On a positive note my doctor has upped my meds so I'm calmer right now, even if I can't get to sleep...😴 How are you doing? Tell me how things are with you. *Hugs* 🤗 Grits
It's nice to get news from you. Wow, there are so many things happening in your life and it may seem overwhelming. I understand your desire to know what your sister knows. You may find some answers there or understand a little bit more about what happened to you, but aren't you afraid to awaken some memories that are hidden deep within your mind? I tell you this because that happened to me, I was kind of ok with it because I didn't remember certain things and, honestly, I wish I had never remembered those things. They say ignorance is bliss and I find it true in this case. I'm sorry for telling you this, I don't pretend to discourage you or to remove your motivations. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
Having new responsibilities is good to keep your mind busy. It's draining, but worthy. I've been submerged in my studies trying to catch up with it and finishing overdue assignments. It is effective to keep flashbacks and bad memories at bay, but I'm only fooling myself. I'm not studying, I'm just wasting time. I had to write a 20 pages essay for tomorrow but I only wrote 5 pages the past week. Today I sat in front of my computer from 10am to 10pm, and I only wrote 3 pages. So what am I doing all the time? I'm such a failure.
There is good news though. My dog had 5 puppies 9 days ago. They are so little and cute. It was unexpected but so welcome. Now I have her, her 7 months son and the 5 babies. What am I going to do with 7 dogs? I wish I could keep them all but my mom said we have enough with two dogs, so I'm trying to find good families for them. They are so cute but so noisy 🤣 I will upload some pictures tomorrow after school.
One last good thing. My mom has been working on my outfits, dressing me and making me feel self confident, and it's working. I'm happy the way I look and I'm wearing the things I like. I even changed my bio to encourage others to not let other people's judgements to turn them down. I know it's hard and I still have that voice in my mind telling me ugly things about who I am and what I wear, but I know it's not true and it was only the words of someone manipulating me to justify his actions. I know it's not true, now I need to stop believing him.
Yay for the doctor who changed your dose, I hope you can get the rest you need. I wish you a good week. 💗
Hello! 🤭
As I promised, here are the pics of my babies.
https://ibb.co/TLzRwyc
https://ibb.co/X7jPQfm
https://ibb.co/5TgXMtY
https://ibb.co/GHzkzsr
Aren't they cute? 🥰
@kimmkimm Your babies are absolutely the cutest! Definitely made me smile this morning! My favourite pic is of them and their mom - you're so lucky to have them. We'd love to get a dog but working full time means we're simply not around during the day long enough, and don't feel it's fair to leave a pup alone by itself all day. To answer your question whether I'm afraid of waking new (bad) memories, the answer is yes. Very much so. But something inside me just needs to know, no matter the cost. I don't know why, but I have this faith that by reaching out to my siblings it will help me, and help my family. It will be tough, I know that, and it won't be an instant fix, but I need to find out what my sister knew, what she knows, what she suspects, particularly with going through the whole police process. With your assignments, I would advise that you remember to be your own biggest cheerleader. By that I mean to concentrate on the positive affirmations that you are a bright, intelligent and capable person, full of positive energy and empathy (if you ever doubt that, just ask me! I can confirm that 100 times over!) and despite sometimes not making the progress you want or need, you are still making progress. Reach out to those that care about you (me included!) to say (when you need to) that you need more time, share what you need to, in order to gain understanding from those people that you need to share with, and be content to share your vulnerability when you need. It's a sign of strength, not weakness. Remind yourself that anyone can conquer Everest - it just involves practice, and taking one step at a time, and never, ever giving up. I'm so happy that you and your mom have given you back the confidence to dress how you want - power to you girl!! As I said (and I'll never stop saying this) you are a strong, confident and beautiful person, and you give such support and care here to others you reach out to. Be proud of who you are. This little person is proud to have connected with you. 🙋♂️ *Hugs* Grits
I admire your courage when you want to know everything from your sister, even knowing that it may awaken bad memories, and I understand where you come from. I really hope your sister will be sincere and she'll tell you everything she knows, and I hope it's not too painful. "Power to you, boy!" (I'm sorry, I loved that sentence and I had to use it too). Either way, please remember that you're not alone and you're very important for some people here. Be proud of how far you've come. I wish you all the luck in the world.
With love: Kimberly.
I feel it's important to say how lucky I am. Yes, despite all the sh*t I've been through, still going through, will continue to experience, I'm lucky. Lucky to have a loving brother and sister, both of whom reacted to me disclosing in a very supportive and loving way. Just having them in my corner, knowing the context of what happened, knowing the dynamics of my family and, most of all, just being there whenever I need them, it makes all the difference in the world. I wanted to say that out loud for all those out there who might be ready, at some point in the future, to share with their nearest relatives what happened to them, to try and pass on some of the reassurance that in reaching out you can get a positive response. It takes courage, without doubt, but as someone who's lucky enough to have two special people I trust, I wanted to say that it's worth the heartache. I need them in my corner... I now know one of my abusers is dead (not sure how I feel about that yet - numb, not yet processed this), and recently been told my other abuser has been arrested and bailed, pending investigation. Things are moving forward, and despite anxiety being my main demon at this time, I feel stronger in a way, strong enough to get through today, and what the next few days hold for me. Power to you all - you're brave, special people, and I hope each and every one of you can find some strength and positivity out of whatever today holds for you. 🤗 Grits
@Grits1910...I am so glad to hear your supporters are there with open arms for you. You're doing an amazing job holding up so well despite these events. I think anxiety is absolutely the normal reaction under such a stressful situation. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this for something that should never have happened. I'm curious, answer if your comfortable no pressure, how long ago did this all happen? Decades? The reason I ask is because it's only been 3 years for me and my groomed experience....I'm just thinking I know my groomer has to have done this to others, I cannot be his only victim. This has been difficult to say the least. It's still haunting me, I have developed a physically painful condition and it's a direct trigger and all I can see is his face because of the pain it's bringing to me. I'm so glad to see your post I think of you often and love to hear your progress in slaying this beast so to speak. You are heroic in your actions to report. I am wishing I was as strong as you. My emotional status is so fragile. I have a sister , she knows but she could not help me in the way I would need her to. Anyway so glad to hear from you and that your making progress and doing well. Support is huge! You are lucky to have so much. Thx for the update here! Best as always, praying for you 💜 ABB
@amiableblackberry92 Good to hear from you... Thank you so much for your kind words - your support means so much to me. My abuse was over 30 years ago, yet I feel the impact like it was yesterday. My flashbacks take me there like I'm still inhabiting the body and mind of an 8 year old. Even if I could have spoken before about what happened back then, I'm not sure I was in the right place to do so, and can appreciate with your abuse being much more recent, the whole thought of reaching out and telling what happened is likely to be much harder. The key thing I would say though is after opening up to key people, and reporting to the police, it's made it easier to handle knowing that others are there to share the burden. No one person will be the solution, the sole person to lean on, but having others in my corner, having others who understand why I am as I am, that makes all the difference in the world. No longer having to apologize for being deceitful, for hiding what happened, for handling things in secret, this gives me some sense of closure. I still feel guilty and I'm aware that may never go away, but I feel more truthful to my family and can be myself, truly myself for the first time since I can remember. There is never a right or wrong way to handle the moment you find yourself in, but remember that the strongest word you can say is 'Help!'. Even if it's just help to handle what's happening there and then, reaching out for support is brave and courageous, but only when you're ready to do so. Sending you positive vibes! 🤗 Grits
@Grits1910... I have to say your bravery in telling and asking for help is huge to me. As a child my abuse was everyway you can think of but actual s. assault. ( There was little things but no penetration) It was terrible then and now. I am getting some professional help. But there's a statute of limitations on my recent s. assault because of my age, if I was a child there would be no limit. Personally I don't think there's any limits to the damage done by an assault wether you are an adult or a child. Truth is because of my horrible physical and emotional child abuse a side of me never matured fully and that's the part that made me easy prey for my perp. There's the other side of me that was like an adult by the time I was 11 because I was taking care of myself in all ways at that point. It's a long story. Therapy has opened my eyes to why I am the way I am and how my perp was able to do what he did. I'm terrified of how my loved ones would react. If I was blamed for what occured I would probably go suicidde route. I know this sounds lame but I'm so fragile emotionally because of what my groomer did. He pretty much murdered my soul. It's a miracle I'm here. I see him from afar occasionally and I think omg he's not paying one bit for what he did to my life/ my ability to work/ my mental state. It's one of those situations where other victims would need to band together to prove it's true. I find society sides with perps on most occasions unless your a child(especially since this guy's a respected med pro)..... I am likely going to struggle with this for the rest of my life and I'm in my 50s. I have such a deep deep sadness in me. I try hard to keep it under control but somedays I cannot and it's spills out of me in rivers of tears.. I pray to God every day for strength. You give me strength Grits. Thank you for sharing your story and pursuit of your perp with us here. Your story helps give some hope because right now I really do not have any tbh. I'm having a painful physical medical issue right now and it's a huge trigger. I never expected this situation, its sending me right back to him in my minds eye and giving me flashbacks ...I thought I was past flashbacks but no... I can do this right!? I am strong right?!. .thx Grits I so appreciate you and in a way you support my days. ABB💜
@Grits1910 I am re reading your posts , they give me strength. Today I am volunteering in a community of older ppl who need a positive activity. I have a skill. Anyway I am unable to work because of my CPTSD MDD anxiety, so I haven't been out in over a year. I am so nervous today, I'll have to medicate to accomplish this. I am pushing myself to do this as part of my healing. Omg I'm terrified. But if you can accomplish what you have I can do this ...right!? Thx for being here to help me do this....💜 ABB
I've seen people here who have been abused in different ways when they were children or teens and they still struggle with the consequences of it 30 or 40 years later, and to be honest it freaks me out. Of course, I know everyone is different and the experiences are different too. I'm not trying to make comparisons but I see some similarities. Maybe it is my self esteem or the way he destroyed my spirit, as ABB said, but I feel I'm way weaker and more useless than everyone else. It has me terrified. And the fact of being close to be 18 and being supposed to act like an adult when I feel I'm 13 and being completely clueless and adrift is not making things easier. I'm helpless and hopeless.
But then you two are here.You two are like the pillars where I lean, and I mean it. Grits, your bravery is an inspiration and the object of my aspiration. I've judged myself so many times for not reporting him. I feel guilty when I think he must be out there, fooling and kidnapping other girls and doing indescribable things to them, harming them physically and destroying their spirit and their future, and it is my fault for not stopping him. I wish I was as steong and brave as you.
ABB, your kindness and compassion is admirable. You may think you're not of much help but you actually do so much for others. I've seen the way you reply to other people, including me, and it moves me to see so much kindness and goodness in this world. You literally changed my life and only heaven knows how much I wish you could hug me and how much I wish to feel safe in your arms.
😢
I don't know how to end this post. 😭 I'm always ruining everything. I'm sorry.
@Kimmkimm..aww hon I would hug you for as long as you needed me to. You would be safe and loved here. Just remember your young with your entire life ahead of you. If I could go back and do things differently I would. I know how much pain this event has caused you. I am way too familiar with that dark pit of pain... No matter how much your brain tells you it was somehow your fault ,you know in your deepest heart ❤️it was 100% NO possible way your fault, just focus on that deep part of your heart that speaks the truth .... remember your an innocent child .... But you can pull yourself up and create a beautiful life for yourself when your ready and that would be the best way to pay that criminal back. Show the 🌎 world your amazing and beautiful self. Be the best person you can be. Make a list of all the things you want to do with your life, make a list of all the beautiful feelings you want with that life. Focus on that. Write down every day your wishes for all the best things life has to offer because You . are. worth . all . the. good. in. this. life,❤️ !!!!! You are worthy of every bit of joy and beauty this life can offer..reaching out for help and support was the bravest thing you did besides surviving! Remember you are a survivor and your a strong hero just like @Grits1910. Your allowed to feel exactly the way you do and it's ok to feel those feelings,.you may have many hopeless feelings, but your not alone . Sit with it and let those feelings come in and pass and the light will come shine in upon your darkness. I am here, I so understand, I will sit with you until the light comes in.. I am sending you a safe and loving hug💜 ABB
@Kimmkimm Btw you never ruin anything your star shines here! ABB💜
Aww ABB, you are the sweetest. Thank you so much. 💖
@kimmkimm Yes, the unfortunate and deeply unfair impact of abuse is that you will carry the mental (and often physical) scars for many years to come. But that said, remember that you're not alone. I think of someone very close to me who has very noticeable and large scars down both her legs. They cause her pain, and occasional embarrassment, but she accepts them for what they are, and tries her best to ignore those who treat her badly when they see her scarring. Admittedly this example is not on the same level as abuse, but this little example of her bravery is inspirational, and reminds me of the aspects of my life where I would consider myself lucky. It's also good to remind yourself occasionally that no matter how low, how useless you may feel, there are always those who are worse off than you are. Those whose homes have been destroyed through war and disaster, those who have been trafficked into slavery... The list is never ending. Yes, not the most pleasant thing to concentrate on, but it's a way of bringing yourself back to the present to acknowledge that you exist here, you have survived every day that you thought was more than you could cope with, and still you're fighting! Fighting to escape the demons that sometimes plague your thoughts, fighting to drag yourself out of the dark places you can go to, and into the light. You're better at this than you give yourself credit for - the way you engage here on 7cups, the loving and empathetic support you provide everyone without question, the beautiful way in which you reach out to me, to us - this is no failure, by any means. This is clear evidence of your strength, your compassion, and your character. Nobody can or ever will take that away from you. Remember the willow tree - this is your spirit which, without doubt, was blown down by your abuser, but as your willow tree is flexible and hugely strong, now that the wind has died down, your willow tree is standing upright again. In no way are you, your inner willow tree, any weaker or less useful than anyone else - you are uniquely talented, your love that comes across in everything you do, the love you have for your puppies, for your mom - this is so good, so true and shows just how much you have to give this world. Yes, I can fully understand your worries about turning 18, but can assure you that you'll look back on this time in years to come and realize that you truly had nothing to worry about. The unknown is scary, without a doubt, but when the new people you'll encounter realize what a wonderful person you are, you will start seeing the strength of your personality reflected in their positive response to you. Never be afraid to lean on me, to reach out when the going gets tough, and to 'dip your toes in the pool of mutual understanding' that we share. Please try not to judge yourself for not reporting your abuser - remember that it's taken me over 30 years to even open up about my abuse, and I really don't think that it's wise to measure yourself against anyone else when it comes to the most personal of choices like reporting to the police. You will know when the time is right, and if that time never comes, that's also ok. You have the right to make these choices without judgement from anyone - making these choices is also your way of taking back control, so try to relax and believe in your inner strength and inner good sense that will be there when you need it. You don't have to carry the guilt of your abuser and his possible continued actions - the guilt is his, and his alone. Feel safe in the knowledge that I understand your pain, and am here for you to lean on, to give virtual hugs whenever you need them, without question, without judgement, just love. You give me strength, you reassure me, you make me feel valued, understood and more able to face my challenges. You never ruin anything, your spirit and warmth I feel is a wonderful thing, and I'm so happy to have connected with you here. Here's hoping today is a better day for you. Sending you my prayers and hugs. 🤗 Grits
Dear Grits: I'm so lucky to have you here. All your words calm me down and let me see a ray of hope in the clouds ahead. Thank you for always being so nice and sweet to me. You're also in my wishes and my prayers. 💖
Hello, sweeties. How have you been? It's been a while since the last time I knew about you. I want to tell you that I'm fine and I've missed you both. I hope you're doing ok.
Kisses for you both 😘😘😘
Kimberly.
@kimmkimm @amiableblackberry92 That's sweet of you to check in on us 🤭
Personally, I'm not feeling too great at the moment. Stuff catching up with me, delayed processing of events that have taken place recently, together with some of the worst triggers I've experienced for a long time. Last week I was on vacation and went into a building that had an identical layout to one of the places the abuse happened. I was torn between a desire to flee, to run out of the place, but ended up frozen to the spot, unable to move. Luckily nobody noticed, but had some explaining to do to the people I was with at the time.
In addition, I heard recently that some therapy that I've been waiting on for over 6 months has been delayed, I've gone to the back of the queue. Feels really cr*ppy, really let down. What's more, having stopped with my private therapist just lately as I didn't feel she was right for me, I'm overwhelmed by the sense of isolation. Needing to lean on someone, on something, needing the support to keep me moving forward, but not knowing where to turn.
It's provoked emotions inside me to self harm (but so far I've resisted) and suicidal thoughts, and the thing that bugs me the most is that I've gone from a fairly good place not long ago and now feel like I've fallen off a cliff. Really p*ssed with myself.
Compounded with all this is the sense of being drained, unable to get on with things as I normally would, avoiding stuff because I don't have the energy, the drive to get on.
I've also had contact from the police who've confirmed the death of one of my abusers. Again, now that my brain's caught up with my emotions I'm really f*cked off with the whole situation. The fact he'll never answer for what he did, never appreciate the impact he's had on me. It's just too much. Now the police need to speak with the people I disclosed to for the first time - and it's on me to notify them that they'll be contacted soon. Just don't know how to have that conversation in my current frame of mind.
I feel that I've taken so many steps forward but what's happened recently has kicked me back to the very beginning. Not good right now, so sorry for the overly negative tone of this message. Just need cheering up I guess! 😢💌
@Grits1910. I'm glad to hear from you. I'm so sorry your feeling down but I completely get it certain events happen that drag us backwards. I have been there, 3 steps forward 2 steps backwards. Feels awful. I guess it's part of the process .....I completely understand that isolation feeling ugh it's awful. I think 7cups and the awesome ppl here is a good safety valve so to speak. It's been super supportive when I have thoughts of suicidde or felt incredibly depressed and don't know where to turn. Pls don't apologize for anything you feel. Your feelings are completely valid. The frustration of not getting the therapy you need is perfectly valid. The triggers for me are everywhere in my daily life including the painful physical ailment I'm currently dealing with. It's a direct trigger ugh. You're a strong person and feel free any time to come here for support. Your doing a great job Grits keep pushing through I know you can do it... We care about you and we need you too!
ABB💜
Dear Grits, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Things are certainly not easy and there may be things that makes us remember hurtful episodes, and it seems like we're going backwards. I was in that spot not one month ago and I know how draining, demotivating and frustrating it can be. But I was lucky to have you. I could lean on you to stand up and keep going. Well, now it's your turn. You're not alone and you're incredibly perseverant and strong. You survived all the abuse and all these years, and what's ahead of you is not worse.
Having new triggers is awful. A few days ago I saw a car identical to my kidnapper's car and now every blue car slightly resembling his car scares me too much and I'm in a constant alert state. So yes, being in that place where you were that seemed like the place where the abuse occurred must have been terrifying. But you're safe now. Don't forget that.
It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to go backwards sometimes. In fact I think it is unavoidable. But, as ABB said, it is a part of the process. Better days will come and sometimes you have to step back so you have enough room to run forward and take a great leap.
A little update on my puppies. Four of them have already gone with their new families. I'm staying with the fifth one 😢 https://ibb.co/VmJp8vK
@Grits1910
Thinking about you, sorry I've not been here lately. Just wanted you to know caring ppl / me lol...are still praying for you. 🙏. No matter the outcome of your situation your a hero and an amazing survivor. ABB💜
@Grits1910
. Still cheering for you and hoping your doing well. Best always ABB💜
It's now 9 months since I started this thread and for some reason I feel the need to describe where I'm at.
It's been an incredibly hard few months, with a lot of ups and downs, but I'm still hanging in there. I've finally started therapy with a professional psychologist, which is going fairly well. She's perceptive, is good at keeping me on track and sensitive when I just can't engage properly.
The whole situation with the police has moved on, but it's so slow... Slower than I'd ever imagined. They're struggling getting hold of some of the witnesses I'd mentioned, and when they do identify them, it's taking a long time to get interviews. Even then, at least one other witness has denied ever being present (which I know not to be true) so I'm trying to keep my hopes from rising as I know the chances of finding someone to corroborate my statement is pretty slim.
However, the police have confirmed that my case will go to the next stage, for consideration by the public prosecutor - a big move, as it tells me that my story is strong enough that I've met the police's own threshold. That was a huge moment, learning that my case is moving forward, that I'm believed, that there's a better chance this will move to court at some stage in the future. I'd love to say that I've taken this positively, but when I first found this out, it made me so upset, like I was drowning under the pressure of what it will entail.
I'm still struggling to reach out to those around me, to express what I want, what I need. Even just to say that I've had a really crappy night, not sleeping, nightmares, plagued by flashbacks, even just saying this out loud and asking for a hug is really hard. I don't want to say out loud how I feel, not for real, as I'm so worried that'll lead to those I care about becoming less open with me. I'm worried they will see me for who I am, a broken shell, a defective piece of the jigsaw, vulnerable and not fit for purpose.
And the weird thing is that I'm still trying to get to the stage where I can just be 'calm', to try and mirror what people expect of me, instead of expressing the real emotion I have inside. I'm often struggling not to throw a chair through the window, I'm so full of anger, of anxiety, of crappy emotions and thoughts of what happened all those years ago.
But the biggest thing that's getting to me right now is the injustice of it all. The injustice that my entire being is used up by having these memories, these flashbacks, these emotions... I can't help but scream that it's not fair!! To be able to go through a day without thinking about it, to get through 24 hours without feeling the impact of what they did to me. This is not what life is meant to be like!!
It feels like I'm living life in 2D, not able to partake in society like a normal person, not able to relate to those around me as a normal person would. I'm living life dominated, depressed, sidelined by the way this situation has made me feel. I hate the word 'victim', but I don't feel like I'm a 'survivor' right now.
Sorry for the depressing tone...😔
Look... If you read this and think (even if only for one minute) that you could report what happened to you, then my advice would be to trust in your own resilience and go right ahead. I don't mean to belittle the difficulty of reporting your story, but I can say with absolute honesty that the response from the police, the 'after care', the empathy and support (even if somewhat minimal) has been excellent. The crappy side of it all has been purely created by those who abused me - they are responsible for the sh*t, for the horrible feelings, the flashbacks. But if there's one thing I've learnt along the way, it's that speaking out in the way I have is giving me back just a little sense of the control I lost all those years ago.
Hugs 🤗 to you all - you're really special people, each and every one of you.
Grits 🤓
@Grits1910
Grits so glad for the update and it's great to know your hanging in there. All your feelings are so familiar to me. I understand all of them. Your doing an awesome job,vim so glad you found a therapist. That's so important,I found therapy to be a huge helping guide for me.
The justice system moves painfully slow but in the end it will be all worth it. You have an advantage because you were a child at the time of abuse so the police have to look into it.
You will become a full survivor Grits. Be patient with yourself, you've been through alot.
Don't apologize for your post, it was honest and raw and your feelings are valid.
I'm happy your getting the support you need. Even if it's not enough it's a great start.
Thank you for letting us know your story and keeping us updated here. It's helps to know someone is going for justice.
🤗 Hugs to you and reminder your still a hero !
ABB💜
@Gruts1910
Just thinking about you and your struggle for justice. Still praying for you and the best outcome for you.
I'm doing better, still in therapy and making progress .
I look back on my complete breakdown just a couple years ago and losing a lot including my job. I feel the support here and therapy along with medication brought me out of the depths of darkness.
I hope your ok .
Best always ABB 💜
Oops. Lol
@Grits1910
Hello @AmiableBlackberry92 and everyone else reading this.
It's been a long time since I've been active on these forums, a lot going on, ups and downs, but I have missed the contact I've had here.
Things have moved forward with the police - my court case is coming up fairly soon, and I'm having to discuss what support I need such as a privacy screen, possibly even giving my evidence via video link... Lots to think about. Having to commit my brain to thinking in detail about what will take place is really challenging, and maxing out my anxiety, particularly the thought of seeing my abuser face to face. Not sure if I'm strong enough... Just writing about it now is making my heart race!
Separately I've decided not to tell my parents. This has been an ongoing battle for me, thinking (wrongly) that I owed them some kind of honest explanation for the way I've been all these years. I'm not saying that the day will never come when I'll tell them, but until it's me opening up for the right reasons, I don't need the additional stress it will bring. I don't trust their reaction to my disclosure, nor do I trust that I'll be able to handle the aftermath.
Other than contact with the police, I've continued therapy which has helped. My therapist is very perceptive, she understands much about me that I can't even express in words. My biggest challenge at the moment is eating... Constant nausea, vomiting, struggling to maintain a healthy weight, finding it really difficult to separate my abuse from a normal digestive process. This has led me to regular periods when I'll faint, a few hospital admissions, and freaking out my family. Out of everything that's going on, this is the thing I'd most like to figure out... To be able to trust my body's reaction to stress, to feel like I'm not going to fall over in a faint if something triggers me badly.
I don't feel that I've made massive progress recently, speaking with those closest to me, actually being totally open with them is still so difficult. It's just easier in a really weird way to maintain silence, to avoid topics that are sensitive, to bottle up my stress, to carry on my journey as a lone ranger.
The trouble is that bottling up the stress doesn't help, and it comes out in other ways. I'm less patient with my children, less tolerant, less able to concentrate for extended periods, less at ease with myself. I feel like the thing I'm missing most is just having somewhere that I can be me, somewhere I'm not judged, somewhere I'm understood. Somewhere my conversation can continue, as and when I need it to, somewhere that I'm safe.
Thank you if you've read this far. What's my conclusion? Going back to the reason I started this post, my message is still the same - if you ever feel like you might be ready to tell the police what happened to you, be confident that you will be listened to, that support is there, that your story will be believed, that your truth will help you move forward. It's not easy, it's slow, it's traumatic, but I have found it has helped me in the long term. I don't claim that everyone's experience will be the same as mine, but hope that my story will support anyone who might think they have the inner strength to speak out. No judgement whether you do choose to speak out - the decision is yours and yours alone.
Hugs to you all 🤗
Grits
Grits
@Grits1910
I'm so happy to hear your holding up. I'm relieved. Rest assured Grits I will never judge you. I understand your reluctance in telling parents about the situation. I fear telling my story to anyone as I know I'll be judged and ridiculed and I know I'm not strong enough to handle those reactions. People can be ignorant to others trauma if they haven't experienced trauma themselves. I sometimes am envious of those lucky enough to have no trauma in their lives. What's that like?
As to the inability to eat I completely understand, I couldn't gain an ounce my entire life, my adrenaline and anxiety kept me from eating as I should. I was always so skinny as is my sister. She is anorexic as a result from all our trauma. After 4+ years of therapy I've been able to gain 5 lbs. Amazing to me!!! Lol I'm so excited. Weird how little things are so big to me . I think once your situation is resolved in some way you will be a healthy weight.
Your story is inspirational as I've said before. I think it bares repeating though. Your the strong person who is fighting for justice, just like a superhero from childhood.
There are real monsters in this life but there are real heros too. Thanks for being one it helps me so much.
Reach out if you need an ear.
ABB 💜
