Body memories -trigger warning
Tw.
I am sure this sounds crazy but I have nothing to lose. Sometimes I still feel him. I feel like a sick and disgusting person for this. I think he would be happy :***( I wish someone good and safe had been near.
Are you referring to an unconsent sexual act?
@HavenonEarth ya :(
@MissyAmerica
Do you wamna share a little more? I
@HavenonEarth it's hard to talk about but I've been trying because I feel like I just can't take this to my grave. Idk why. It doesn't get easier to admit that I was sexually abused. I still feel queasy admitting that. :/
@MissyAmerica
Well, don
@HavenonEarth nod. I think so too. It's hard to fsay or write the words sometimes. I just want to know what it feels like to be a safe and complete person. I get pulled back with thoughts like "nobody wants to know this." It isn't pleasant conversation. :/
@MissyAmerica
No conversation about abuse or any kind of maltreatment is pleasant, really. Better to face them someday, than to avoid them constantly - thats the path to happiness.
@HavenonEarth I know you are right. I need to find a venue where I can't trigger others. I so wish I could figure this all out on my own. I would like to be good. I don't feel like I'm good. I think my abusers might have killed me on the inside. I just want to be good. I know they say I'm good on general self help sites but I feel differently about myself. I'm in constant state of vigilance. It is exhausting and I can't take meds cuz of other health problems. I worry about being too much for others to handle cuz my experience with listeners is that this stuff triggers most and those who aren't triggered don't know what to say
I don't blame them. I know I need more than listeners. I. Miss being able to work. I had options when I had $$.
@MissyAmerica
Dunno if you know this, but it
@HavenonEarth I would like to forget what happened. I have such vivid memories of my dad assaulting me. I feel like I'm going through the abuse over and over. Maybe I'm crazy. Idk. But it is haunting me.
@MissyAmerica
Do whatever feels best
@HavenonEarth. Do you think I'm posting too much? I don't want to hog the microphone. ;:)
@MissyAmerica
Well...not really. I just think you should make a decision - hold off on telling others for a while, or be informative and lift the burden now. No point in lollygaggin' much longer about this.
@Havenexperience it is ok to ask, do you have personal experience with sexual.assault? No pressure to disclose of course.Thx for writing.
@MissyAmerica
Hmm...not really, none that I can remember anyway. I suppose the closest to that would be when my ex kept begging me to give him blowjobs or whatever, and while doing it, he'd shove my head further down his god forsaken d*** - even though I hadn't consented to wanting to go deeper.
Also, one time he was driving me home and kinda close to my house, he wanted a BJ so BADLY, trying to ask and ask, and then finally trying to convince me with "it's not like I'm gonna rape you". Unless that counts as sexual assualt / harassment, or something? I don't really know. I don't consider it an ongoing problem anymore, since I kicked that bitch outta my life months after dating him. I knew I deserved better, he did / said a lot of other questionable or revolting things, on top of those experiences too.
@HavenonEarth "nod" sounds like it to me but if it isn't screwing with your life maybe the labels aren't as important as how you feel about it. Idk I'm probably a bad person to listen to about this. Idk but thx for answering
@MissyAmerica
All good. I mean, Id say the first step in recovering from bad experiences is to remove the person / remove yourself from the environment for a long time, so that you can focus on yourself.
Depending on how bad it makes you feel, removing it from your life may be best. Its hard to give such things an exact boundary, since every experience is unique.