A Murder of dignity
Okay, this is the first time I've ever posted on a public forum. I'm not going into gory details. I was first raped at the age of 17 by an immediate family member. It's my biological father. He always stayed away from us (geographically) because he used to work abroad and we'd see him once or twice a year. It was a good father-daughter relationship (I'd say). But then, around July 2014, my mother fell critically ill. Dad kept his job on hold to come take care of her. By September 2014 my mother became incapable of functioning on her own (still cannot). She cannot eat, bathe, walk on her own. She has amnesia to date and cannot remember who we are. So it was trying time for us but as a loving family, we co-operated and somehow managed. By end of Oct 2014, my sister got a job in another city and left. So it was just mum, dad and me. One day in mid November 2014, he just pulled me to a room when we were alone and hurt me. I was devastated because he was a man I held with high respect. I was an excellent student and literally overnight began failing most subjects. And it happened over and over and over again. I wouldn't be able to talk to people, even a general conversation. To date my situation remains the same with varying frequencies. I was given tranquilizers when I mentioned it to a psychiatarist. It absolutely did not help. I cannot get myself to eat more than one proper meal a day and just cannot sleep because of flash-backs. It's just horrible. I feel dirty and violated. And the worst part...I come from a country that wouldn't give justice to a victim who died due to rape. What justice will I get. I once approached authorities and they'd ask if I 'provoked' it. I came here because I needed comfort and the worst of it...I found a listener who actually asked me if I was 'faking' it, only because I wasn't able to answer her in too much detail without taking time.
I'd appretiate it if people would be sensitive to how hard it is to talk about this stuff. Since then, I can't be within a 1m radius of a guy without panicing. I think People like me are better off without being condemned although it might be our fault. I don't know. Thanks for patiently having read.
Thanks a lot for sharing your story with us. It's very brave of u. I'm very sorry for what u had been through and for your experience with authorities and some listeners. I would really just want to say that therapy is always effectivein similar situations. I can relate somehow to your pain and a lot of ppl also here relates with ur story. It's very important to know that you are not alone. We can all share with you ur pain. 7cups is very kind place and for sure you will meet a lot of kind listeners.
Please be strong and safe. And your efforts with your mother will never fade.
Flashbacks are the worst. But just have hope that one day a lot of things will look much better.
Sending you tons of virtual hugs & love
Please keep writing to us.
And i just want to emphasis that we need to keep doing our best till we reach a safety place. And never gave up on our rights. We need to know our right and hold on to it. Always remember that you are stronger than your abuser. Abusers are just cowardly scared. You are the stronger part bcuz u have all the right. Do what ever it takes to keep ur body safe as it deserves to be. You are a wonderful human being and deserve a life with dignity like everyone else in this crucial world.
Thank you. It's people like you that instill a new hope to go on. I'm thinking of moving out because these incidents are repeating and just won't stop. Thank you for your support and empathy. Lots of love and many virtual hugs back to you.
That is a brilliant idea and I'm so glad you are considering it.
Please always remember that U are your number one priority in this life. It's your job to take care of your self and protect your little child inside you. There are many ways to do. You can try and fail but we always need to try again. You deserve a life with the dignity you think you deserve starting from this second, and no abuser in the world have the right to take that from you.
I struggled and i had to use force and hit family to say enough is enough and my body is my own and no one has any right to touch it.
Be loved my dear. And always update us.
I'm sorry you went through it too. It's just getting hard because it's my biological father and I can't stop myself from feeling a small amount of mercy although I'm in terrible pain because this repeated earlier today and it's hard to bear. Thank you so much for your support. I feel loved after nearly a whole year.
@amel47enna Amel ur pain is inside my heart. I feel it so strong. And for the record it was my own mother. I know the mercy and guilt you are feeling. And you will always feel till you realise that U need ur full mercy. All the mercy you can give in the world should be directed to Amel. Maybe you are too helpless to save Amel. But just picture the child you who's living inside you and the big disappointment the child feels everytime u allow any1 to touch him/her.
Step up for your self and your rights. It's always easier said than done. But you have to realise that you have the right to say No. To get angry. To own your body like you own your mind and thoughts. Feel your power and embrace it. It's very hard i know but it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible. And you deserve all the love in the world and all the happiness. It's maybe too dark now to believe it. But just for you to come here in 7cups and share your story is a great move. You have a hope. You are reaching out. You are discovering your own voice. You are equal as your abuser and no one has any advantage on u. Your voice is to be heard and validate it. Even if the 99.9 % of the world failed u. There is still a chance with the 0.1 %
There is always blan b , c , d .... etc. There are always million ways to stop the abuse and you just need to find your own way. But for the abuse to continue it should be not in the list at all.
You are strong and beautiful and very kind. You even have a mercy in ur kind heart while you are still in recent physical pain. This is your strength. And your power.
Please write as much as u can to us. Think of your options. Make a virtual plan at least. Believe it. It will be true sooner than you think.
We had enough. We suffered enough. I still struggle with moves from my mom. Like 2 hours back she came suddenly and kissed me from the back of my neck and i had the meanest look in my eyes and reminded her firmly to never touch me again surprisingly and never kiss me again on such places. And she just remembered herself and backed off.
Be safe. Be loved.
@politeCup86
I'm touched because you truly understand me. The physical pain is death itself. Although this is the 11th time it's been rape, the pain just gets worse and worse. It feels horrible to even be examined by a doctor. It's pathetic.
It's horrible and the mental pain is only worse. But there's people like you who care.
By the way it's gotten so bad I need a procedure to fix it. To repair my body. Probably next week. I hope to be okay but then murder would be a mercy when compared to assimilating my dignity.
I'm sorry about your mother and I hope things improve. You're brave to stand up for yourself. I truly admire that.
Thanks again?
Yes i really really do care. And i really do understand ur feelings. I kept silent for years and years. B4 i could stand up for my self. So you are extremely brave and i admire that also about u.
I'm very sorry that things went that bad and you need procedure to fix it. But i truly understand that the real pain is the emotional pain and feeling ur dignity is at Zero degree. It's also horrible when u don't get believed. The emotional scares never fades. I do understand that and experience that. I understand living with your abuser. The guilt feeling that u have to love and take care of your parents. The hate love feelings u have inside. The total helplessness. The extreme shame.
And you are very brave. 11 times is a huge number. You are so strong. You are resilient. There is nothing you can't face. We are made of steel. Nothing will kill our soul. I have a million questions and million doubts and feeling of injustice and unfair. Feeling of virtual chains on my hands all the time. It's more horrible than jail it self.
I standed up for myself eventually! But i had to lived with it for years. It's never okay.
I really hope that the procedure will went in smooth way and the physical pain will fade away soon. I hope i can send u a guardian angel to protect you.
You will be in my mind. Stay brave and beautiful. You are a survivor :)
@politeCup86
Thank you. It's great to have moral support. You're a survivor too. By a million questions, doubts, etc...I wonder what you mean. But all the same, not knowing..I wish you all the best. All my love and empathy to you. You're on my mind too. :)
I mean a million questions and doubts like did i deserve what happened to me? Did i do something wrong? Was it part of my fault? Why me? Why my parent? Why no one helped? How come no one noticed? Why it lasted that long!
This is what i mean, I am sorry but sometimes I am not good with expressing my mind especially that English is not my mother tongue.
Thanks for your kind words and empathy to me.
Keep us updated always
@politeCup86
I think to normal to question that. And there's never a 'good' way of expressing your mind. You've done it fine. But someday I live with the hope that some fine day we can look back at out past and not be disappointed but remember that we took courage, that we fought out battle (even silently). So take heart and just try living on...we can do this. I'm here too...You're not alone. Never.
So congratulations on being a fighter, a survivor, a beautiful soul.
Lots of love,
Amel
You made my day dear with ur kind words.
And what an inspiring hope. It's a great hope really. Never came to my mind.
And it's a securing feeling to know that we are never alone. Bcuz life is a battle and it's always good to know that there are ppl who gots our back emotionally as @celaeno always says to me.
Sending you all the good vibes in the world to Amel. And magical powers to take all ur pain away <3
@politeCup86
You made my day too. I called us fighters because we have battles. I'd also call you a brave-heart for having put up with as much as you have.
I wish the same for you.
Reading this was really really painful, I hope you're safe right now gosh I wish I could adopt everyone who's going through this so we could all stay safe under one roof and comfort each other. You're such a strong person, don't let one incident define your whole life okay? There's so much more to you. You're so brave to come out with your story even if its anonymously, I don't think I'll ever be able to. Sending you my best hugs and kisses for you, I hope one day people won't be so cruel and one day the whole world will love and respect each other. Stay safe you beautiful soul ❤
@aricat
Thank you for your empathy, love and support. I wish I'd met more people like you in life. But, you're here and you're with me in pain and that's more than enough for me. Thank you. Lots of love back to you.
@amel47enna
I read your story and I cant stop crying. My heart broke while reading this. I am so terribly sorry for what you are having to endure. I am always a little reluctant to say I truly understand another person and their struggles because I'm not walking in their shoes, but I do feel like I can truly empathize and understand... My father raped me for many, many years. It began when I was a very young child and he didn't stop until I was in high school. I still feel such extreme mixed emotions. I love him because he was my Dad and I also hate what he did. He died nearly 6 years ago but part of me still loves and misses him. Another part of me is so relieved hes gone. And yet another part of me is still really scared of him… I am struggling every day, but I am working as hard as I can to repair my life. I just really wish I had the power to erase all these bad things from my memory, and yours, and everyone who has had to experience this… Not a day goes by that I don't remember what he did and all the hateful things he used to scream at me. In my mind, all those bad images and hateful words are still right there, like it just happened. I wish those memories died with him, but they didn't. I still live with the shame, the guilt, the confusion, the dirtiness, feeling unlovable and worthless. I feel like I'm damaged good; like its my fault. And as much as I try to suppress all those years of abuse, I still get triggered. I still have flashbacks, still start crying for seemingly no reason, still fight horrible insomnia (and get nightmares when I actually can sleep). I still get panic attacks when I feel like someone is angry with me, still feel scared when someone raises their voice or gets too close. I still feel unsafe when any guy is around me. I feel like I cant trust anyone… not even myself. Living like this is a constant war that seems to never get any easier to fight. These battles are exhausting, and I imagine you deal with very similar struggles and feel a lot of those same emotions. I wish you didnt ever have to experience what you did. Its not fair.
I know some part of you probably already knows this (at least I really hope you do), but I just want to make sure. As a reminder, you are NOT to blame for what happened. What your father did is NOT your fault in any way, shape, or form. It wasnt okay and it shouldnt have ever happened. Im so sorry he hurt you. My heart goes out to you. Im sending you many gentle (((virtual))) hugs if you would like them.
I guess right now, more than anything, I wish I had some sort of advice to help you. Unfortunately, I'm still fighting through every day and I don't really know what I could say that would lessen the pain of what you're feeling. I want to say something comforting and reassuring, something inspiring that would make you feel even a little bit better... but Im not sure of the right words. I think the only thing I really know is that things do get a little easier. It takes time, though. It might sound cliché and it might be hard to believe, but it is true. Even though we both know that well never forget how our fathers hurt us, I believe that eventually, it won't hurt as bad as it does now. I know that if I keep working on recovering, the memories will get less frequent and reduce in intensity. I feel thats true for you, too. Actually, I think thats true for every survivor. I know for me it is because even though the memories haven't gone away and they still hurt me very badly, I am still better at living with them than I was several years ago. Im also not using unhealthy coping skills to try and deal with the memories anymore. I cut for 8 years without getting any help for it, and once I started accepting what happened to me and getting a lot of professional help for it, I very slowly started learning better ways to cope with my pain. It's been a little over 3 years that I have stopped self-injuring. Though I still struggle with it and probably always will, I know now that there are much healthier outlets for me to use. I won't give in to the urges because I have support from people that truly want to help me and have my best interests at heart. I know people care. And I want you to know that I really want to be one of those people for you. Even though we dont know each other, I care very much about you. And I'm sure many, many others do too. Don't ever forget that you are loved and supported. People are willing to help you fight these battles. You don't have to do this alone, okay? You have support on your side.
And no matter how impossible it seems to push forward, please keep going. Don't ever give up. Keep fighting. It might seem like it's not worth all the fighting, but recovery is possible with lots of hard work and support. You deserve to heal. Please believe me when I say that. I know that there is a very long road ahead to get back to feeling okay and feeling safe again, but you can do it. You can and will get there. You are so strong, so brave, so resilient. Youre a survivor and a beautiful warrior. Keep being fearless in your choices. You already were courageous enough to write your story and that is very inspiring. You took the first step towards recovery by doing that. You are breaking the silence and that is so important. Im really proud of you for doing that. Keep letting your voice be heard. Speak your truth, because even though you might not realize it, youre helping others come out of the dark by being reaching out and putting words to your experience. You absolutely deserve to heal from this, to be safe, to be free… and I have faith that, in time, you will be.
Don't ever give up.. There is hope, okay? There is always enough hope to hold onto. Im here if you ever want to talk about anything. You can do this. Please stay strong and be safe. You are in my thoughts.
@unsinkablespirit312
I'm sorry about what happened to you too. Thank you for your support and empathy. All my love to you. *hug*. I wish you a speedy recovery. Thanks for being here. I admire your spirit.
How r u doing today?
Not very good. But I'll be fine.
@amel47enna it's one day at a time <3