Triggered today
It's been awhile since I've really delved into my C-PTSD. About a year ago, I had a very bad episode that lasted for weeks. It took me awhile but I finally recognized what was going on. That awareness put me on the road to being mindful of it.
I was triggered again today. I didn't recognize it at first. When I did, it was relieving to know that I'd tuned in enough to catch it. It's disheartening to know that I still struggle with but that's something I've had to learn to accept as well.
Some things you never truly get over and just have to learn to live with.
So in dealing with or managing my CPTSD, I came to the understanding today that my workplace is one huge trigger for me. I also came to the understanding that I because don't feel safe there, it's putting my health at risk.
I'm not sure yet what I can do about it except to practice mindfulness and take breaks as much as possible.
That’s a tough situation to be in. I was there in March this year. I finally put myself first and quit. The relief was almost immediate. I still find myself laying in bed and thinking “thank g-d I got out of there”.Practicing mindfulness is a good idea. I’m not sure if you have trouble with dissociating, but I do and was really struggling with it at the bad job. Mindfulness helped me to stay present enough to get work done, and yet also “blissfully unaware” (relatively speaking) of all the triggery stuff. I also found it helpful to take a 5min break every so often to just walk a bit and physically change my surroundings. The hardest thing I had to do in relation to logistics was get a new job lined up with no help from the problem job - no references etc to offer potential employers. It took a bit of time, but I did land a job. I had to take a slight pay cut, but h-ll it was well worth it to save my sanity.
I hope you can find a way to be content - even happy - but especially safe at work. Take care of you!
@lemonSys
Thank you for sharing that here. Thank you also for the kind words and support.
I too left a job a few years ago due to the effect it was having on my health. It was bad enough that my doctor finally told me I would be dead within a year if I didn't leave. I don't believe I am dissociating at this point but it is possible. I'm glad you got out of your situation.
This will be the second job I've had to leave within 5 years due to the environment and culture. I've been searching for a year as of October 1st. Unfortunately, age discrimination is a real thing and finding something else is like hunting for a unicorn. I had to take a 20% pay cut to be where I am now and there are no benefits. I can't afford to take another 15% cut which is the only offer I've had. Regardless of the situation, I still have to eat and pay my mortgage.
Many stressors and issues beyond the CPTSD but this thread is for me to log and work on that.
Comments always welcome 😃
TW: Stalking
I woke up this morning and realized I'm repeating some of the same behaviors as when I was being actively stalked. I know the reason for this and will think today on steps to take to mitigate that.
Some things my not be directed toward us specifically but they do still have a direct impact.
It sounds to me like you have been extremely brave and despite the setbacks you are trying to keep moving forwards. C- PTSD is such a private, individual and sensitive condition and we each have to find our own path through it. Mine is to learn to try and live alongside it.....like you said, recognise it when it rears it's ugly head and the hardest of all....that is the point when you need to try and be extra kind to yourself. And yes, i do know how difficult that is when we are hijacked by painful memories and continue with the self blame and self hatred.
It has taken me most of my adult life to fully recognise and accept that none of it was my fault. All of us with PTSD and C-PTSD need to embrace that truth deep down in our hearts. Really know it, and feel it and trust unequivocally that it is the truth.
I send hugs and love and hope for healing. I think that you are doing amazing !! xx
I'll reflect a bit on Sooty41's post.
People that haven't experienced it can't understand. Trying to is always appreciated. Those of us that live it, have to manage it in our own ways and we are all different. Similar, but different. We each have our own experiences, struggles, triggers, reactions, coping methods and ways to self soothe.
I struggle with accepting my limitations. There are places I still can't go without the ugly beasts of panic attacks, hyper awareness and catastrophic projecting rearing their heads. For me the worst part of that is knowing it's ridiculous. The mental seesaw of "this is freaking stupid" and "danger!, danger Will Robinson" is exhausting. Sometimes I can calm it down enough to do what I need to do. Other times I can't and I've had to learn to accept that sometimes I've done the best I could on that particular day. Does this make me feel better? No. It allows me to cope. I will not let it define me.
Another thing I struggle with is the lack of understanding and humiliation. It's very isolating and discouraging. This is part of who I am now and it's very hard for other people to understand. Yes, I'm completely losing my crap and in full fight/flight/freeze mode because I have to walk into that post office and drop off a package. Is it ridiculous? Yes! I know that! Telling me that isn't helping me. Telling me that I should have let go of and gotten over things that happened many years ago by now isn't helping me. Trust me, I feel the same way! I hate this. I hate myself for it. I hate that I feel weak and I can't control it. That sometimes I can't do "normal everyday things" I used to be able to do without even thinking. I loathe the fact that it will take days for me to come down off the adrenaline rush, that I won't sleep, that I have to consciously work on it AGAIN. When you do these things, you shame me. That victimizes me all over again. How about just stand there with me for a few minutes while I try to refocus and calm. How about just take the box in there for me if we're in a hurry or I ask you to. Without judgement. Without griping or pressuring me. Trust me, if I'm asking you to take the box, that's for you, not for me. I'll stand here, wait and watch all day long if that's what it takes for me to be able to walk in that door. If they close up, I'll come back tomorrow.
I don't talk about it. I don't tell anyone anymore. It's not a thing for anyone to pity, make fun of, criticize, test to see my reaction or worse, take advantage of and use against me. It's not a badge of honor that I wear. It's not romantic or cool. I'm not some great hero, proud survivor, or someone who wants sympathy so they can wallow in perpetual victimness. I'm just a person a lot of really bad crap happened to for a long time. Not my fault and I sure didn't want it. Not your fault either. No blame. It's just life.
@kayleebee Its frustrating how what seems like such a simple thing can trigger these reactions. The post office - the store - even making phone calls can cause these freak outs. I even have it happen talking to people here online. And you're right - it gets to where you stop talking about things because I'm finding that even people who say they understand - really don't. You're right too that we realize our reactions are ridiculous and at times over the top and as hard as we try to let things go - we can't. Something's are engraved inside us and no matter how hard we try to pretend - no matter how much we try to whitewash the past - the reminders are there constantly. We often beat ourselves up for our short comings and failures - we don't need others to add to what we allready carry
*sending you strength*
Fractured sleep again last night but no nightmares.
Feel less edgy today. Lots of pain.
Believe posting reflection helped 😃
Fractured sleep. Nightmares are back. Head on a swivel again. Last few days, contact I've had to make and the stress of it all are taking their toll. Don't feel safe going home. Don't feel safe at work. Dog not up to par but trying to work. Trusting his ears. Good boy.
Had a talk with M the other day and explained my position. I wasn't nice about it either. I know they weren't happy and while I'm sorry for that, I've grown tired of being the one to make allowances and turn the other cheek.
I can forgive accidents and things that weren't intentional. But when someone deliberately sets out to harm me in any way, there's no coming back from that with me. Nor do I believe there should be.
I'll not go back down the rabbit hole. Alice has left the building.
Trying to decide exactly what to do about a few things. Nothing ventured is nothing gained. Is it worth the possible loss? Maybe. Then again, what do I have already? Not much. What if it fails? No real harm done and will have an answer to a question that's been on my mind for some time. Do I have enough time if it succeeds? Maybe.