Traumatic loneliness?
I have another question. I’m a little desperate to know if there is anyone else out there like me, or if it’s just me. Has anybody spent their younger years completely alone? What I mean is, yes I had parents, but they made it understood in words that they did not love me. It was an abusive home in more ways than one. There were no other relatives to go live with or take custody of me. There were no family friends, adult role models, anyone looking out for me. No one knew what was going on. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. When I got old enough to leave legally, I tried to have friends, but I wasn’t very good at it, so at some point I stopped trying to make any. I spent a very long time alone.
I have tried to share my story, but no one understands really. They have sympathy sometimes, and I’m not complaining about that part. I have support now. They can’t always understand my feelings or why I am the way I am though. I’ve never met anyone before who had quite this kind of history. I have even met people who have been through horrendous things worse than me, but for example they had family to help them through it so they moved past it easier. And so when I get depressed, this gets used as ammunition against myself. I don’t want to feel different anymore.
As a disclaimer, I should add that I am finally not alone anymore. It’s taking me some time to comprehend that it really is over and things won’t be like that anymore. It left its mark on me. I wondered if maybe knowing I’m not the only one might help me move on from it some. If you have been through this and have advice, that’s welcome, but I just want to know it’s not just me.