Relationships and PTSD related to sexual assault
I didn't think that this topic would be hard. I thought that I knew my needs related to PTSD and relationships. I decided to be transparent about my trauma and how it impacts me, and tried to choose relationships in which that is respected. But many times I have allowed people to push on and break my boundaries. I think I also have a habit of falling into relationships that are abusive or have unhealthy power dynamics. I am trying to understand that more, too, I guess.
Right now I am in a situation where I have been in a relationship for over 3 years, married for one as of September. But I feel like my trauma history and how that manifests in my life are not something that my partner has every really understood. Sometimes they say things or affirm things and verbal acknowledge or claim to understand but other things make it clear that there is no understanding and it is so painful.
One thing that keeps happening is that they conflate sex and rape. I can't stand that. And if I talk about having specific needs related to sex to avoid or manage or process triggers, they get upset saying they can't stand that they remind me of being raped. This morning we were having a conversation that was triggering to me. I told my partner that my anxiety was rising and I just needed a minute. Ever since then they say they aren't mad at me but are acting upset. We aren't even talking. It's so uncomfortable. I hate it.
I needed to say all that, and probably more, but I was wondering if anyone else has been in such a situation. What boundaries do you set in relationships? How has that worked? What do you do when your boundaries are violated? Do you question your perception of things obsessively? I do and I feel that I am easily manipulated as a result.
@joycejoycejoyce I have given you this link which talks a lot about how boundaries are often violated, non existent or inconsistent/unsafe in relation to trauma and ptsd and the problems that this can cause no only in learning how to set boundaries for yourself but also how to cope with relationships and boundaries within those situations. I think you could find this interesting and useful reading. Though the link contains eatingdisorderhope in the link address the actual article is very relevant to a lot of the issues you have raised.
This is also another link that you may find useful http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/developing-boundaries-
It is very difficult for others who have not been through your kind of experience to be able to truely appreciate the devastating impact that trauma has on many aspects of your life, from physical intimacy, to trust, to confidence, to body image, mental health etc etc. Perhaps your partner could read up on ptsd and how to support someone they love effectively - is this a possibility?
@dancingRainbow45 the CPTSD page linked to another article from psych central (which admittedly I dont always like) and I found that article really helpful too. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am codependent and it causes a lot of issues in my life. I feel like this is a good start. I am not sure how to implement it into my marriage at this point but I will spend some time reading and reflecting. I will also bring some of my thoughts and questions to the therapist we are going to see together on the first. Thanks a lot for the help and the background information.
@joycejoycejoyce You are most welcome and if you ever need to chat please feel free to chat with eithe myself or another listener here. Some of the information contained in the links I thought was very good which is why I left them for you but let me know if you feel they are not quite what you are looking for and I will see what else I can find :)
@dancingRainbow45 The links are really helpful. I feel like I there is always more to learn and understand about boundaries. I struggle a lot with how to actually enact them. I did read a good article about that a while ago, I should try to find it again. And thanks, I will reach out sometime.
@dancingRainbow45 Thanks so much. This sounds like exactly what I have been looking for. I will take a look and respond afterward.
We are going to therapy together with someone niether of us has seen before in about a week. That is definitely something I think I should try to get from the therapy, or ask the therapist for help explaining it. It has been really hard in the past.
@joycejoycejoyce
I'd encourage thinking about any other questions in general from both of you that you might have about counseling, about needs, about how counseling works for a couple, since most likely both of you may have issues you need to address together and separately. Is counseling always as a couple, or do you sometimes meet half time with you half time with him or what for some sessions? With my experience in counseling, I have found that sometimes one topic brings up another, which I may need as much help with as what I started into counseling with. So feel free for both of you to write up any questions you might have if you think it would be helpful. My first session with a counselor is one I tend to forget everything I wanted to ask. lol
@joycejoycejoyce While reading your post, I was surprised how much I can relate to it. I tended to fall into relationships that were harmful and abusive, but I always thought I deserved it. Along with having Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes leaving a partner almost impossible due to the overwhelming feeling of abandonment, this has been a big issue.
Last year I started dating someone who also has BPD and C-PTSD, but hasn't been sexually assaulted. The intimacy part was incredibly hard for me. Flashbacks, numbing, etc. Thankfully, she was very gentle and supportive, and respected my boundaries. But the sexual intimacy, instead of becoming easier, actually started to really flare up my C-PTSD more and more. I can't be in a relationship if I'm still in the early stages of recovery (only started therapy a few months before this relationship. She also has her own issues (and also in the early stages of recovery), so we've decided to just be friends. She's my best friend.
I've decided I'm not ready for a relationship. I first need to heal more and take care of myself first, as I always tend to put other people first, and allow them to cross my boundaries. Heck, I'm still learning where and what my boundaries are. It also makes me question my own reality, and sense of self.
You're not alone. 
