Cults
Hey everyone,
It occurred to me that maybe there wasn't being enough said on this topic. I wanted to provide a safe place to land for those of you who are cult survivors. A cult is defined as the following:
"In the sociological classifications of religious movements, a cult is a religious or social group with socially deviant or novel beliefs and practices.[ However, whether any particular group's beliefs and practices are sufficiently deviant or novel is often unclear, thus making a precise definition problematic.]" (Wiki)
Please feel free to share your stories here and receive support.
Thank you for helping me open the dialogue.
I have been in a "Chistian" Rehab too. I was there for 2 years. I did not graduate. It was more like a prison. I still have some trauma. I was always on 'discipline' for speaking my mind.
I have not told this ever but we had to undress for 'deliverance prayer' if it was sexual sin or lust. It was always alone with the pastor. When the pastor says that it is necessary you believe it because he is like God and he should know that.
There were regular deliverance meetings. I did not know at the time but I have DID. They said I was very demonized so I needed lots of deliverance. They would gang up on me and yell and scream for the devil to come out. I was so scared that I would fight them to stop yelling so they would tie me down or jump all over me.
They threatend me that I could never leave because the devil would destroy me if I did. I was never going to make it on my own. And I believed them for a long time.
I did leave eventualy and went to another church. A friendly church. I did not know but I had created another alter that was very happy to help me out. She was always joyous and positive. I thought I turned into this perfect Christian girl. I did not know it was only a part. I was completety oblivious to all the messed up parts that were still hidden.
Something happend about 6 months ago where this part decided to step down again. All hell broke loose.
I am afraisd to go to church now. It's where all my friends are. I have enormous guilt trips.
@MaschaV
I can relate hun, I struggle with church for loads of reasons. Sometimes they are overly huggy and interested and I just want to be a wallflower lol. There is definitely some messed up theology out there. I really don't think it's what God intended at all. I mean when Adam and Eve realised their sin and felt shame, God covered them, not stripped them and made them more ashamed. I'm so sorry you went through that hun 
All I can say is if your church friends are real friends, they will still love and accept all your parts. They might not always understand but they should know that God loves you the same, as should they.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I know they love me. The people that really know me and met some of my parts love all of me. I don't feel judged by them and they accept that I had to step back a little.
But I am not the same person I thought I was.
And most of my parts freak out around christians and prayermeetings. So I need to find a way to deal with this. And it is hard.
@MaschaV
I'm really glad they love and accept you hun, you totally deserve it. It sounds like they are a good support for you? It's hard to negotiate with all of your parts isn't it? I know when I need to do things they can't do I have to put them in a safe space inside or it is very chaotic. I really hope you can find something that works for you
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks, yes. It is difficult. The parts experienced a very different and mostly dangerous 'god' and christians that were out to destroy them. So I understand they are scared. This week I started talking with someone that works with people that have dealt with satanic ritual abuse. She is amazing, makes us all feel safe. She offfered to be my mentor. I am really happy about that.
I told her about this forum and she said she was glad I have found you. I am happy about that too.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
It feels like there is different beliefsystems with different parts. I was talking to my therapist today. It was strange how it is easy for some parts to speak their mind but for some it is completely impossible. She kept telling me that I am completely ignoring those parts that need to be heard the most. And I knew she was right but I can't seem to break through there.
Yesterday my mom called me to tell me that her husband is dying and that he wanted to talk to me.This is the man that paid me for attending to his needs with my mothers consent. She did not ask me anything, she just handed him the phone. He uttered some things that I could not understand. My mom took back te phone, told me that she would keep me posted and hung up. It left me in shock. I know that he did not ask to talk to me, this was something my mom just set up, cause that is my mom.
These different belief systems make it hard to listen to what really matters to me. Being raised by a very narcissistic mom formed a strong belief system obviously. Then there is hell and doom if I don't do what I am told. I do notice the uproar inside but I can't seem to reach them. They are not loud or strong enough.
I picture this wall around me. There is great force coming from both sides. I am watching this and I am wondering will this wall hold, who is going to win?
I don't know if this is making sense to you, I needed to get it of my chest. It makes sense to me.
I just got a call that he died this morning. I don't know what to feel right now.
@MaschaV
It's ok to not know how you feel. Feelings are changing things and not permanent so don't put pressure on yourself to feel any particular thing hun. There is a grief self-help guide you might find useful: https://www.7cups.com/grief/
I found that after my dad died I was conflicted, in some ways it was freeing, in other ways I deeply missed him. I didn't grieve for about 11 years but when I started to process it all, that guide helped me navigate all the thoughts and feelings I had. No one ever allowed/taught me how to grieve. It's also ok to find your own process, have your own needs and not participate in others grieving if that is what you need to do. Sometimes though, it's comforting to be with others but my heart hopes that you can be safe in doing so and have boundaries to protect yourself.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks Canvas! I have decided to not go to the funeral. They live in Spain and I don't so I have an excuse. I am also going to England next week and I think that is a better choice.
I have never loved him, he is not my dad and I have never seen him like that. That makes it a little easier I think. I do feel guilty towards my mom but the relieve of not going is stronger.
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to tell y'all something I
was abused by cults. Two of them.
Santic and KKK !!!!
I can't tell y'all anything else right now!!!!
I'm not ready right now!!!!
It's too much right now!!!
I have to make sure that it is safe!!!!!!!
Make Sure no none is around!!!!!!
Sorry that I can't tell y'all!!!!
😨😨😨😨😨!!!!!!!
Up to maybe 3 months ago I have been stalked by someone that was leadership in the rehab I was in almost 30 years ago. She had been an assistant there and feels like I owe her my life and all my dedication.
I walked into her about 10 years ago and I gave her my phone number so we could be in touch. It was a nightmare ever since.
I feel sick thinking about how she suffocated me. She would call and email and show up at work and not let go until I responded. I kept blocking her emails and phone numbers but she just had new ones. We had camera's installed at work, extra security. New phone numbers. I was too afraid to answer the phone myself if I did not know the number.
She threatened me with my past, emailing my overseers, threaten to go the police, she threatened to kill herself if I did not respond. She harassed my kids. I could go on but I won't. It was hell.
I have not heard from her in 3 months. I have once again changed all my contact information. I am hoping it is really over now.
I got really triggered this morning and I realise I really need to get help on this one.
@MaschaV
Sorry to here that!!
Sorry that you got trigger this morning!!
I support you!!!
Remember do some self care for your self !!!
😊😊💗💗!!
@GuardianAngel77
Thanks Angel! I am glad it is over now but I still have those moments where I feel watched. Sometimes when my phone rings I almost jump to the ceiling. Today I have felt on high alert. I am doing okay now.
@MaschaV
Good to hear that!! 😊😊😊😊!!
I realised this morning that I have never learned to feel, I don't know how that works. I just read and copy the person in front of me but they are not really my feelings or thoughts.
My feelings were never validated. They were not supposed to be there at all.
I feel instant guilt when I have an opinion or feeling about something
Talking helps me get some order in my thoughts but it also adds to confusion. When someones opinion comes back I try to apply it but it usually does not apply at all. Adding to the confusion.
Thinking about my mom is particularly hard. Learning that she was a horrible mother. Thinking I should feel angry and upset but feeling guilty instead for wanting to love her but afraid to show it because it is not done after what she done to me. Nobody thinks my mom was an okay mom, that hurts. In my head I know she is not okay, but she is my mom.
Knowing that she is hurting right now and I am not there for support is hard. I feel selfish and ungrateful.
I am trained in different ways to obey and deny myself. That is what sustains me in the end. There is a fear of punishment and torment. To me it is real no matter what people tell me. I want to break free but I feel so stuck.
It is already a miracle that I have all these feelings, so I guess I am doing okay but I wish it would all disappear. Me included.
@MaschaV mum stuff is triggering for us so we just leave a hug for you ok? we were never allowed feelings but then some parts feel too much. maybe you have feeling parts?
@Sparky1
Yes, I do. And it really scares me but I am working on conquering my fear of my inner world.
Thanks for the hug! 💖
@MaschaV sometimes we have to do it scared
i hate cults, and deliverances and being told we are demons 
@Sparky1 writing this makes the coldness come back
@Sparky1
My turn to give you a warm hug. We are more then survivors, we are victors! We can learn to live as one. They wasted enough of our lives and we take it back. We did not have a choice but we do now. They can't harm us anymore.
You are not a demon, you are an amazing human being 💖
@MaschaV thanks. I don't know on amazing or sometimes on human I don't understand that world. Icy made bad come
As horrible as all of our experiences are, I do feel somewhat comforted that I'm not the only one, and that there are other people who could relate to what I've gone though on some level. I don't really feel like most people understand, even when they try to.
@resourcefulPond1641 Hey Pond Sadly you are not the only one and you are right, there is an eerie comfort in knowing that others have gone through what you have, even though none of you should have ever had to have gone through the horrors of what you have. Even though many of you may have had experiences of being in groups or cults, some of your experiences may differ and some of your experiences may be similar but your experiences are unique to you. People may be able to empathisize with what you have gone through and people may be able to appreciate what you have experienced. There are people however, who wont be able to or who will refuse to accept that these kinds of things go on for whatever their reasons but what matters is that you get the help and support you need now from people who can offer the support you need and to hold onto hope that there is life and a future after this kind of abuse.
I feel so angry and upset, that I can't even have one conversation with a therapist without at some point having to explain to them that I was born into a sex cult. Not that they would understand even then anyway. I know I'm being unfair and they're trying to be empathetic, but some things they just can't understand, and I feel it's unfair that I have to even talk about it yet again just so someone can understand why something are more difficult for me. Man, I half just want to hide, and half just want sympathy and for people to tell me that it's not fair and I have a right to be upset. I just don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. I get triggered so easily and it's not always fair on the other person.
@resourcefulPond1641
hey pond, its totally not right and unfair. It is reasonable for you to feel that way
it can be really hard talking to therapists and feeling like they dont understand, but the more you keep talking the more they will get it and be able to help you so keep at it hun
@LifeIsMyCanvas Thank you! <3
@resourcefulPond1641 Hey awesome one! You are right, what you have lived through was not right and totally unfair! And it is okay to be outraged. This is not something we could understand. I hope you get what I mean when I say that we should not even want to because it would somehow make it less evil. This is what it is, it is evil.
I think most of us can relate to feeling misunderstood, belittled, missinterpreted, labeled, silenced.
It is like you constantly feel you need to defend and proof how horrible it all was and how it makes you feel. And that sucks. It keeps you trapped in your memories and feelings.
My situation was different but not explainable either. I am trying to find ways to break through this trap. I am trying to get my mind focussed on the now and where I am headed. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. A glorious one too. And so are you. You are an amazing and victorious warrior. With enormous strenth and will. You did beat this evil and you will get healed.
This week I discovered that love is not some weak worthless word. It does not hurt. Love is stronger than death breaking down fear.
I don't know if it helps but I hope that it does.
We love you, we care for you, we want to be here for you.
My arms are open and if you like a hug I would love to wrap my arms around you and just hold you until you are saturated with safe love that casts out all fear.
@nolongerafraid
@blitheSun94
I tried to talk about this issue 8 years ago and I was told that it wasn't allowed on cups incase I triggered anyone else. Has this been changed?
