Being Abused (Again)
Trigger warning (domestic abuse, verbal and physical abuse, incest)
Not sure where else to turn...so here I am gathering my thoughts. Due to my medical issues, I have gone back to living with my abusive mother who used to physically, verbally and SA me. She's still verbally abusive to me (and now my son), and has threatened to have my brother hit me -- I told her I would call the cops if that were to happen and she laughed in my face and went "Oh, like you called the cops on your son's dad?" which I respond "Yes, yes I did. Are you stupid?" (I don't care to respect her anymore, with the way she talks to me and my son). She assumed I let my ex abuse me and it's my fault for him getting close to making me gone from this world.
I had to confront her again today, after my nonverbal autistic son came to me saying he's sad and "grandma scary". My mother doesn't believe in autism, and talks down on him like he's stupid since he doesn't talk a lot of words (but he understands 3 languages -- and which includes sign language). It enrages me. I asked her not to talk to him that way and that's when everything blew up.
Albeit, I couldn't speak normally to her after, I did tell her how I truly felt about her and didn't hold it in, she called me "childish" and talked down on me like I'm "too stupid" to understand. Now here's the thing -- she dropped out of school in elementary, she doesn't try to learn new things and is stuck in her ways and can hardly handle simple technology, and she says because she's older she's "automatically smarter" than me and has "more experience" plus she's a teacher at school (not really, she's an assistant but whatever). She DOES NOT have training in autism, not one bit and purposely provokes him and blames ME for my son's behaviour and says "You treat him like he's grown, he doesn't know ANYTHING." No, I treat him with RESPECT and talk to him like NORMAL and EXPLAIN why things are bad, not go "you think you know everything. You can't do it. Because I said so!" -- like she does.
I told her that he can STILL UNDERSTAND YOU, even if he is nonverbal and autistic. Furthermore, I threw it back in her face then that must mean my (abusive) grandmother(her mother that she absolutely HATES) must know better than her too, and is "smarter" and "wiser" since she has more experience. I could tell that irked her when I said that because she went "whatever".
We ended the argument when she had to go to work and gave the most gross "I love you have a good day" pretending we didn't JUST argue and went to talk to my brother privately to make it seem like I'm the bad guy. She's probably the ONLY person in the world I TRULY hate. I have made peace about my abusive ex fiancé who nearly made my existence disappear from this world. I'm indifferent now, I don't want to think about him -- hating takes too much energy -- but now I HATE my mother and it's a wasted emotion.
I didn't really want to talk to my oldest brother either, but he seemed pretty neutral and didn't say anything at all during the argument and stayed out of it. He came over and offered to take me out of the house when she left to sorta cheer me up, but I'm spending some time alone for today. It's sick that my mother has "parentified" him and treats him like her husband -- it's emotional inc***...which is gross...She groomed him. She's also highly racist and says racial slurs about my father -- and compares me to him. My father does NOT know how wicked of a woman she is. He's not a good person either though. They're both awful people.
Just needed to vent. I'm not very active on 7cups to be honest, been dealing with my own issues.
Yes, I have a plan to leave her as soon as I can. I was going to live with my partner once we both start working. I am VERY close to moving to a DV shelter, but really need to finish my real estate classes. I have a guaranteed job as soon as I get my license....I was only planning on staying her until September, but I'm going crazy... I plan on recording my interactions with my mother and "grey rocking" her if she tries and provoke me. I plan on documenting what she says and does
For example, when she said it's OK for kids to be slapped as punishment -- like she has done to me(worried she is going to hurt my son so I have kept my eye on them -- she acts up when I have to use the bathroom or shower, I usually send son over to his uncle/my oldest brother because he treats him kindly), or when she says racial slurs about my dad or is being homophobic or sexist. I'll record it all and report it to the department that ensures child safety. Or I'll call the cops if she continues to insist driving drunk while endangering other people's lives.
There's more I could write, but I'll leave it at that...she has sabotage my chances on things I needed (ex. therapy for autistic son, daycare, insurance since she won't provide me her info for me to apply, she denied taking me to job interviews, and claims I don't "need" a car when I plan on using MY OWN money on it when I work)