Thoughts
I'm not sure how this is going to go but I should probably give it a try. Don't use my voice very often but I'm choking inside so have to get some of this crap out......
I have survived the first day at my new workplace
why did I have to be the one to move?
scared
what if I am totally useless and mess this place up too?
am I really rubbish at my job? Surely I would have an inclination if I was?
does 19 years service count for nothing? Am I being punished?
lost and alone
I have no one I can turn to
Hard to trust when all you know is hurt and rejection
So much going on inside but it's all jumbled and knotted together
scared I will end up back in the dark place, can't fight it again....
Sorry I've been absent, just totally shut down for a while
@crimsonLime6525
Hi lime ❤️ it's ok, sometimes I too disappear for weeks or months. It doesn't always feel like I have the kind of energy to hang around here. Sometimes it's because I don't have energy at all, sometimes instead I have more energy, or even high energy but for some reason being around here weights on me a lot. What feels best for you is good 
Today it's 5 years since I had to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make and it's one I've regretted and tortured myself for every day since. I became a monster, I had NO right to do what I did. I'm glad it hurts this much, I should suffer for eternity, I am evil
@crimsonLime6525 *sitting with you* If it's ok :)
@mytwistedsoul thank you ❤️
@crimsonLime6525 You're welcome Lime :) You've been in my thoughts lately
the knife though the heart, twisting and turning causing more pain. You deserve this you evil bitch!! An innocent life, it was not yours to take. You had no right to do that
@crimsonLime6525 *sitting with you*
Sorry for my words
@crimsonLime6525 This is your space to use whatever words you need to use. You can cuss - rage and rail :)
Drowning in the darkness
@crimsonLime6525 *sitting with you - candle in hand*
how do you stop the tears from falling? I need it to stop hurting. Please 😭
@crimsonLime6525 Oh Lime :( I'm so sorry you're hurting so. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain.
@crimsonLime6525 Hey Lime - You've been in my thoughts and I really hope you don't mind my writing here to you all the time. If you do - please just say something ok? I won't be offended ok?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul I don't mind you writing at all, if anything it helps me feel like I'm not so alone in trying to do this 😭
@crimsonLime6525 Good! I'm glad you don't mind :) Sometimes my anxiety tells me I'm being a pita. I'm glad I can help you feel less alone and I know it's only online but there are alot of people who really care for you here and we're all really happy to see you use your voice - no matter what you have to say - good bad and ugly - ok?
You're in my thoughts :)
Be gentle with yourself
Wishing I could turn the clock back before bad things happened...... should maybe even turn it back far enough so I was never born then I couldn't fuck up and destroy everything I ever was part of
@crimsonLime6525 Take things a day at a time and give your best everyday.
I don't do well without structure to my day so working is a good distraction to my thoughts
I am officially on furlough leave from work for the foreseeable future and the thought of all this time in my hands is scaring me
the thought of being stuck inside four walls for hours on end with only my freaking brain to keep me company. It's not going to be good.
maybe I may write things on here idk; maybe I shouldn't?
@crimsonLime6525- please know we are here to help each other through these unpresedented times. You are brave to share your thoughts. And it is a safe space to do so. virtual hugs
@crimsonLime6525 Hey Lime :) I hope you don't mind - I wanted to wish you a Happy Easter - I hope you're doing ok - you've been in my thoughts
I hope my ratties don't freak you out*
So hard to believe that today you have been gone longer than I had you in my life. You know, sometimes I can
@crimsonLime6525 *sitting with you*
Thats a beautiful song Lime - Thank you for sharing it
I have an open hug to leave here for you - when ever you need it - ok?
You're in my thoughts