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GhostlyLilian
52,599 M Confident Walk
PathStep 135 Compassion hearts616 Forum posts373 Forum upvotes581 Current upvotes581 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceNovember 21, 2018
Bio

ADHD, Complex trauma survivor and almost certain undiagnosed autistic and OSDD system.

Currently lost hope to be a useful human being instead of this unacceptably inept burden and relapsed into major depression and eating disorders.



Recent forum posts
AN relapse
Eating Disorder Support / by GhostlyLilian
Last post
 June 14th, 2023
...See more I feel childish. I feel irrational. I feel like I'm not really realising. But if I try to fight it I feel my whole body and mind repelling food. Even the amount I plan on eating I often don't finish. It doesn't taste like anything, it feels like a chore I don't want to do, it takes forever. Being empty feels so right, the sensation of shrinking feels awesome. I don't know how this is going to end and a huge part of me doesn't care. Ossessions over being sick thin are slowly starting to crowd my head and I know it's just a matter of time before they become all I can think about. I don't know.
Relapse into restrictive eating disorder
Eating Disorder Support / by GhostlyLilian
Last post
 May 14th, 2023
...See more I was completely out of it for 5 years. No thoughts about food, no depression, no wanting to get thinner, none of that sh*t. And now here I am, back at it. I told my first lie to a loved one today. I mean the first lie about food because of the current relapse. I don't want that. But I've not been able to stop. I'm trying to fight it, but it keeps coming back every day. It's been only a week of restricting, but it's bad. It started because of the ongoing situation of not being able to find a job and not feeling I'd succeed in keeping it, being more and more broke and feeling out of hope. Then all it took was a trigger, someone saying the wrong things regarding my adhd and my strong suspicions about being autistic as well, my intention to ask for an assessment and accomodations. "You're just looking for excuses, you just need to move your a**, another label isn't going to change anything". Well if nothing is going to be any different and my best has never been enough maybe I'm just not cut for surviving. And that's when eating disorders gain a lot of appeal. I never felt overweight, it's never been about improving my appearance, I never restricted to try and live. It's always been to try and disappear. I don't even have the heart to tell people who care for me how bad it's gotten. Knowing of and witnessing my daily struggles and my depression is already heavy on them. I don't know how to get help. I don't know if to even hope for help if I keep being dismissed and not believed. I don't know what to do
The magic when the flashback ends
Trauma Support / by GhostlyLilian
Last post
 April 16th, 2022
...See more Doesn't it feel like magic? for days the most horrible and hopeless delusions seem perfectly logic and reasonable to me and I'm physically and mentally drowning in depression, guilt, anguish, anxiety and obsessive paranoia, crying myself to sleep, crying at any given moment actually, not even able to get up from bed to eat, let alone doing anything else... and then poof ✨ I am logic again, I'm not depressed, I'm fine, I'm thinking in a completely different way, all delusions suddenly seem bullsh*t, I can do things, I do a lot of things actually and I start sorting back my life, it's all back to normal when the other day I didn't even recall what normal was like and I was starting to think it was just an illusion. That's magic. That's freakin' Copperfield Magic. Like unicorns and witches ✨🦄
Hello depression. Long time no see.
Depression Support / by GhostlyLilian
Last post
 June 7th, 2020
...See more My depression's creeping back Creeping back, creeping back My depression's creeping back Oh my lady We must deal with it again It again, ita again We must deal with it again Oh my lady
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