Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
Well - therapy went well - I did indeed, run with my fears and triggers. It was not at all what I thought. I do not have to go to treatment, she is not talking to my shrink. We are just learning each other and learning trust ( so no there yet - the trust). I hope the trust comes. I have Such a hard time trusting. I can not even SHOW emotions to her when I speak with her. I just hide it and bottle it up and prepare for the coming storm! She thought I was in crisis - I was just in the depth of emotions and flashbacks and memories that uncovered this new vast story that I do not know how to integrate into my narrative about my life and who I am.
I feel like she expects me to go through this whole process with no emotions and I cannot. Emotions are not something I need to fix or reduce. They are something I need to hold, feel, embrace and with honoring, let it go. I feel I can make no progress without this. But I also feel like I am doing this alone and I am not the one with a Psy.D to know how to do this. Maybe I need to do more research/ reading up on how healing works? On what to do?
I mean I told her about the fact that I could not ground myself and nothing got better until I went numb. She said it was a good coping skill for now. What? Ugh.
My secret: I am so angry with her ( myself maybe is more like it) for NOT showing emotions - but I do not feel safe yet. I want so fucking bad to let this out somewhere other than in the privacy of my own head - in here. I want so much to have another human being HEAR me, what I feel, what I went through, what I go through, every damn day in my head because of it. I want to POUR out all this emotions without someone trying to stuff it back in ( I am worried that if I do show emotions, I will have her try to make them go away). I WANT to feel - because I KNOW, I know - this is the way out - for me. And because I OWE THIS TO MYSELF ! I owe this to lil me. She/me/we NEEDS to feel this so we can stop holding onto it. But I am so scared to do it. I do not even feel unless I make time for it or am thrown into the inferno - arms flailing!
She wants to Not focus on me telling her memories for a while - well fuck. What do I do with these then??? They are not stopping, they are coming. The doors are wide open. Where do I put them? I cannot carry them every minute of the day. And I cannot eve tell her details of the body memories. I will be brutally honest with myself - they scare me. I am so ashamed of them. It is shame all over again. It is abuse all over again. it is self hatred all over again. I am vile, filthy, and disgusting. What do I DO with these? How do I process that information, alone?
And how much of this therapy is working? And how much is my fault? Her fault? I know I have a big role to play - I do not express my feelings - hell, I hardly speak at all. Seriously. How much can she help me if I cannot even do that. Maybe I need to set a goal for myself for next session, and just TELL her this. Why do I have so much trouble with my words - speaking aloud? I can think, I can write, I can express how I think and feel in written word. Then it comes to my voice and I lose all power. I get swept into all these emotions I do not know how to express and I am afraid of expressing - and I just, so to limbo land. Nothing in. Nothing out.
I am going to do that, next session - this weekend, I am going to speak about my emotions and how I feel she doesn't want me to have any but I have all of them. No, not just speak - I NEED to let it out. Maybe just a lil at a time, maybe pour some down on her . I have to let someone in at some time. Even if she leaves and I do not think she will, I need to do this. I am so filled with emotions right now - and I can not get them out because I always have to fucking fake happy and functional for my aunt.
I do not even Know how I feel.
How Do I feel?
Everything and nothing. Limbo looming. Nothing gets in or out. Limbo. Untouchable
How do I even WORD how I feel? Or what is going on.
A letter! Hahahah, NO EMAIL. I mean, a letter To her about my feelings and what I need - and how this is fucking up my life, and the memories and the horridness of everything. Just spew, get it out - then refine it. Then in our coming session: READ THE DAMN THING TO HER. Get it out. Yes. That is what I am going to do. Then she too can see that I can BE IN the depth of the emotions that knock me down - and watch me still get up.
See that emotions do not mean crisis to me. I am going to do this - I don't care how long it is - I am going to get this out. And I do not know what This is - what I need to get out exactly - but I feel something hidden crawling out of my throat. I am scared and I don't want to know/ I want to know. I am letting it all out and just see what happens. And it is safe because it is a letter, written word - the only language I speak apparently. And I do not need to share all parts with her - NO, I am, I will - I am tired of hiding . Not saying going to spew my history - fuck that. But I am done censoring for her. I have no clue what is going to be in this " letter" but I am semi curious to find out ( I can retract that curiosity later). OH, the hard part - reading it and using my voice - and most of all - allowing my emotions to flow, the anger, the fear, the pain and hurt and sorrow, all of it and everything in between. As it shows up, it shows up. I can't anymore. I am so scared to do this and yet so relived that I am. ( I will hate myself later when faced with having to read it - no, Wanting , wanting to read it.
I want to tell her about everything - what it is like for me, just being alive , right now. And what it is like to have your whole world changed in the blink of an eye. And how I try to walk around, covered in body memories that bring me right back. I am really struggling with that. Fuck it, I'm going to do this. I am going to follow through and read it. I am going to address that my feelings need to be addressed before my rational thought.
I AM SO SACRED.
But I guess, feel the dear, do it anyways. Just, act.
@blissedNblessed
I wanted to say that you're really brave even in moments in which it doesn't feel like so. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting here
Letters can be more helpful than emails sometimes. I guess sometimes when I write down my feelings on paper with a pen, if feels more better. Idk how to properly explain it
Can I say, I'm proud of you that you are being an advocate for your mental health with your therapist. That takes so much STRENGTH. Standing up for oneself after having boundaries violated takes so much STRENGTH. I'm so proud of you
You're right, emotions and memories come. We can't just tuck them away neatly in a corner with a bow. It can be messy and overwhelming dealing with such emotions alone. Idk if this means much but we are here with you in spirit
Feeling safe is a tricky bit. I suppose I feel physically safe but not emotionally safe and sometimes hard to believe that we can actually be safe
@clare7199
Thank you so much for your kind words - It was and is so hard to self advocate ( but I want so bad to heal, I can't live like this anymore). And some days I feel brave...others I can hardly get a word to come out of my mouth about anything I am struggling with.
You explained it well! I get it! It IS much easier to write out our feelings than it is to speak them! I 100% agree! I have SUCH a problem physically, just - Talking to my therapist, it's awful.
And yes, yes! Emotions are messy and overwhelming! So hard to sort through alone. I am at the point, I just can't do it alone. ( I feel alone with the therapist).
I feel you about physical safety but not the emotional. Safe, naw, I really don't know if we can feel that way again - but I hope so. I have to. Otherwise, why are we bothering to heal? I would like to feel that way someday.
@blissedNblessed
You deserve healing. Healing is messy
Getting words out is hard here as well sometimes and finding the right vocabulary. Not call certain things by the names they were given in childhood
I hope writing the letter helps you. Do you like keeping a physical diary? If that's ok to ask. I keep a physical diary and write my thoughts and letters to my abusers and family in it. I suppose I also sometimes scribble or color in it to distract myself
@clare7199
Yes- this whole healing process is so messy, up and down and so chaotic. Sometimes the hardest times I go through are actually healing and some of the easiest times do nothing. I can't make sense of anything! I don't know what end is up sometimes.
Ahhh, I have that problem: I totally use childhood given names to certain things, still to this day. Ugh, I cannot even call my abusers by their names or even state their relationship to me - written or aloud.
Yes, writing the letter helped me - hahaha, let's see if she can understand it and me after she hears me read it to her ( I am so nervous about reading it our loud). Having to use my voice, ugh. If still , after she hears it, if he is not being helpful in the way I need her to be, I am so done. I have decided this already. And not out of anger or frustration, but in hopes of finding someone that can hear me and support me in the way I need, in order to heal.
I don't keep a physical diary, no. I just purge all my thoughts and feelings here. :P Sometimes, multiple times a day!
That's a good idea though - to put letters to your abusers in it and also the letters to your family. heehee, yes - the distractions of doodles, scribbles and coloring and a definite bonus to a physical diary! I wish there was a place on here to scribble and color when what I am wring becomes too overwhelming.
Do you think your diary is more helpful here or in your physical one?
I like having mine online - I don't have to see it or touch it - it makes it easier for me not being tangible. I can get away from it easier.
That sounds SO HARD - writing letters to your abusers and also to your family. I give you SO much credit for Doing that. You are the brave one! I hope I can do that one day. Is that helpful or more triggering, for you?
@blissedNblessed I am glad that the letter helped you 💓 and I hope it helps even more when you read it out loud. I suppose read the letter in your own time to your therapist. If you want to pause anywhere when reading or take a pause to collect emotions or re read any line, then do so because you deserve to be as comfortable as possible when reading it
Yes I write alot more in my physical diary, I suppose. Letters to my abusers are always triggering the first time I write it. Then I keep writing the same thing until I feel numb. Not sure if that's healthy. But I think I unknowingly chase the numb feeling at times
You'll be in my thoughts 💓
I am still not okay with my therapist and session. I have been thinking about this. She still does not understand. But I think this is my fault. Oh, she understands now about me feeling deep emotions and losing my shit is NOT a crisis and I will be okay, eve if I feel that I won't.
She was acting and talking like I knew all of these memories and the scope and time frame of His abuse. Then one I spoke to her about - aloud. She even asked me, like: Well, you already knew what happened - some part of you. Didn't you? But she asked me in a tone that already stated she thought and knew I did. I did NOT. This is all fucking NEW to me. But did I tell her? No, I tried, I stumbled with my words and I gave up. I let her believe whatever she wanted because it was easier than speaking.
This is all new to me ! I had this protective self narrative that blurred what happened and said, he didn't have boundaries. It felt bad and yucky , but it was really okay. And I believed it - up until like weeks ago and most recently, days ago~ I do not know what to do with this. This Does change everything and I resent her saying that it doesn't and I can chose another narrative . One that explains he might have been abused - fuck that! I want to feel however i feel - even angry. For now. Then later, we'll talk. It feels like she is rushing me through this process and leaving emotions behind. I am going to tell her on Saturday, our next appointment, all of this in this letter I wrote to her.
And a HUGE thing is, and I tried to tell her today but I didn't have the words and I gave up....And I do not even know if this will make sense to her or not, god I hope it does because it took everything out of me to be able to word this:
1. The memory of being abused at a very young age , the one I spoke aloud - I can not figure out what physically happened to me , in adult words. I can't tie them together. I feel stupid, but I can't do it.
2. I need help taking little me memories and translating them into adult words and accepting and holding, all the feelings, from both the child part of me that went through it and the ADULT part of me that is just realizing what happened and is reliving it, but from a little me perspective.
AHHHHHH! DOES THIS EVE MAKE ANY SENSE???????
Maybe I am just bonkers - maybe that is why she doesn't understand me. Why I can't explain myself. But this really bothers me - this misunderstanding of me all the time but me in hut down mode all the time around her. And I feel so STUPID - but I honestly can't translate this info to big me - me - at all. What is wrong with me??????
@blissedNblessed Perhaps you can't put it into adult words because technically it's not your memory. Perhaps it's coming from a fragment ( a fragment is an alter that is not fully developed. They may exist to carry out a single function or job, to hold a single memory or emotion.) It may be her memory.
@mytwistedsoul
I honestly, don't know about fragments - but I am going to google it. Heh, if you have any links laying around 😜
How would I know if it was a fragment? I wish it were because I can't make sense of this or explain it and I am so worried she will not understand me - my therapist, or Anyone. Especially myself. It makes me feel so isolated.
I can't explain it - the utter disconnect and absolute impossibility of understanding it . It kind of IS like - it's not My memory at all. It feels more like, hers. And I FEEL like a great big difference between she and I. I know she is me and I am her - but I FEEL a disconnect - like swimming through water.
I HATED her, to the core - for many years - called her, little me. I don't HATE and loath her anymore, I want to just understand.
Its funny you said, " she" because I would refer to her as She all the time :p She. Little me.
@blissedNblessed Have you tried talking to her? Reassure her that she's safe, that you're all safe now. Some times it can help to draw or doodle on paper and talk as would if you were entertaining a child sitting beside you. Keep yourself relaxed and start with a simple hello. If it is an alter, she will be afraid and probably has been afraid for quite some time. If you were mean or unkind to her, apologize to her and maybe give her a simple explanation. You could tell her that you were afraid and didn't understand at the time, but that you're not afraid right now. You're bigger and you will keep her safe. Ask her if she would like to talk with you. Please remember this is a child. Harsh words or getting angry or upset will not help. If it is an alter she may not come forward right away, so try not to get frustrated. This isn't something that happens instantly.
It may explain the longing you feel for stuffies as well, if she's longing for them.
@mytwistedsoul
this ^^^, yes! Thank you :)
I have kind of done something like what you were suggesting! Let me explain:
I used to hate her. HATE her - I blamed Her - specifically. Little me. I literally, at one time in my life - seriously tried to punish her( SH). But I have been trying to make peace with her -
When memories started popping out after talking to my therapist about one, I sat and talked with er . I apologized ( lil words) and told her id keep her safe and id hold the feelings with her until she is ready to let them go with me. And it's okay to show me ( a specific one I asked for ). But of course - I only understand it as she did and cant explain it with big words - hence, needing to translate but not being able to. ahhh, i feel like i am talking i circles or talking code. I am really struggling to explain this.
And around this time too - thats when i was doing what the therapist said was, age regression, a lot. Was getting these longings like you said, cravings for stuffies. I NEEDED to have one, hug it and hold it - as if it were the most important thing in the world. Same thing happened with cartoons. And this weird thing when looking for a movie to stream, id pass some random kids movie that caught, her eye - and it would be like this inner tantrum that would go on in my head until Finally went back and just put the movie on, lol!
I hope you can follow what I am trying and i think, failing to say. I have never worded these thigs, really, nor talked about them much - so this is difficult to put to words, but im trying.
ps - Hahahaha, now i want a stuffie.
@blissedNblessed It's wonderful news that you're trying to make peace with her. If she's very young, she simply may not have the vocabulary to explain it clearly enough for you to translate for her. Is your therapist open to DID? Does she or has she worked with children or littles? Would you feel comfortable telling her what you wrote here? Or she may be able to guide you during a session, that you would be able to vocalize enough information to figure out what she's trying to tell you. It may be something that you just need to get to know her better, to better understand what shes trying to tell you. Perhaps instead of telling you, she could show you? We have a non-verbal teen who communicates through mental pictures. In all honesty, I'm leary to make to many suggestions because she is a child and we do not want to cause her any distress or cause her more harm. Or you.
I think you did very well with explaining. Indulging in a stuffie and a turtle movie would be a wonderful way to reward her for being such a brave little girl to try and tell her story. It's also a good way to build a relationship with her.
@mytwistedsoul
Stuffie time was great :p I actually smoked, lol, and listened to music in my room holding my stuffie all comfy.
Yes - I'm beginning to think just that: no language to clearly explain - it is ALL through seeing and feeling, pretty much. Occasional sound.
Well, my therapist Says she is well versed in DID and has worked with many clients with it. I do doubt her ability sometimes - but I have to try too, try to explain everything. So She can help me . ( I did write her a letter I am going to READ to her this Saturday.. Yay, points for me for not emailing it and reading it instead. Secretly - I didn't email it because partly I am afraid to email her again, I do not want to be shunned because of it). I did write about the translation issues and little me feelings - I hope I got what I needed to , across.
I would totally be open to her guiding a session like that, so I can know what she has to show or say. I don't know if she will - I do feel almost as though my words are falling on deaf ears with her. . . but then again, I do not have the best vocal communication, lol.
Great idea: to not explain with words but show, like through a picture. I love how your non verbal teen shows pictures! That's quite a brilliant way to communicate! :)
I totally understand not wanting to suggest anything that could cause harm to me or her /we.
And :) : thank you for saying that you understood and I communicated that! It is so difficult to fit words to it.
hey - I don't know, just a feeling, I may be way off. But are you okay? Are you struggling? I am here for you if you are. Heehee, I am here for you, even if you aren't struggling :)
@blissedNblessed Hey :) Aww - that's so awesome! I'm glad you indulged in some stuffie time. And music - music is awesome! I think I'd be lost without it tbh. I think it's great you wrote a letter - it's easier sometimes to do things that way. Because sometimes it's like all thoughts just - poof - all gone. I call it thought thieving lol. But writing things out gives us a chance to make sure we touch base with everything on our minds and it's just easier and not emailing it to her - gives you time to look over it and if there's something else you want or need to say you can add to it. I can understand too the worry about being shunned by her - there's still the trust issue and some of the feelings of mistrust might not even be coming from you - if you have parts - they have their own reasons to doubt and mistrust - it really complicates things because they can influence things - thoughts and emotions - even actions
Oh man vocal communication - you wouldn't think it would be so hard but some days - it's like all the words are there but they don't seem to make sense or you can't seem to fit them together to form complete sentences and you just go blank and it's like a pop quiz and you're totally unprepared - probably even in the wrong place too lol
Uh - There were some issues yesterday - there's a newer part that gets triggered real easy and we're struggling with alot of shame with things with SA and the thought that an abuser may have also been abused - among other things and we had a wonderful melt down. YAY! lol So one of the older ones came out - which is who was talking with you last night. I hope it was ok and if it wasn't or if it made you uncomfortable - please just say and I'll ask him not too. No offense will be taken. Tbh - I'm alittle surprised he did because he's been avoiding this place. We do try to be respectful - well most of us anyway - there are some that aren't but we try to keep a close eye on them
@mytwistedsoul
Music Is a lifesaver! Agreed! I feel that ,too: I would also be lost without it - it is a way for me to both escape and to emote. I have been listening to a band I just recently found - I have been playing the album of loop for 2 days, lol. Oh, what are you listening to? Feel free to link me to some good music - only if you want :)
" Thought Thieving" is a Perfect way to name this! I love it! Can I so borrow that???? ( I'll give ya credit :p )
Yeah, I have read and re-read that letter to my therapist a million times over, trying to make sure is exactly explains what she needs to know, what I need to tell her and what my needs are. I am happy with it. I hope to god it helps and she can finally hear me this way.
If I do have a part(s), the idea that they might be holding the reasons to doubt and mistrust rings so true! Right now ( and ever since yesterday actually)I am having/holding this DEEP SORROW. It is so Overwhelming and I have no reason ( other than my whole life, I guess) to Have such Intensity of sorrow. I can not find the trigger and there is nothing that happened to cause this in my life at the moment.
It would make sense that there is some part(s), if that is what is going on, that might be feeling this right now. i do not feel a reason to own this or have this - but I FEEL it, so strongly, nevertheless. Maybe I can see if there is a part or facet of me that is holding this so tight and feeling this and I an try to comfort them. Because no amount of comforting myself right now is making this go away.
Ahhh, vocal communications, my arch enemy! It Is exactly like a pop quiz we are not prepared for! Words crumble and fall and get lost. It is so damn frustrating - this inability to communicate and be heard. Then I just give up and let it go because it is sometimes just so much easier than trying to force myself to speak and string words together. Yes - feel that!
I am so sorry that you are having to feel and suffer through all that consuming Shame. But - I am glad that you have found the newer part!!!
The thought that an abuser might have been abused themselves is so hard to hold! I struggle with that too, with both Hes. For me, it is almost like feeling I am being robbed from the right to feel angry about the abuse. I am not sure how you feel about this - how Do you feel, if that will not trigger you more to talk about it.
Ugh - meltdowns are so not fun! But it always seems to eventually rear it's head, huh? Meltdown phase. I hate that .But did it enable you to feel any less pain? Did you get it out at all?
It is very much okay with me that one of the older ones was talking to me last night :) I welcome ALL of your parts and any parts that feel safe enough to show up with me. That will never be an issue for me, so that is something you do not have to worry about :)
@blissedNblessed Music sometimes has a way of expressing what we can't - I think anyway. Like sometimes you hear the music but other days you feel it. Lately it's been - Written By Wolves - Secrets and Badflower - Jester But I'm a big Motionless in White fan. Feel free to share too :)
Lol You can totally borrow it - no credit needed :)
I hope it helps her understand better too. Maybe after you read it - she could have a copy *for her book lol* No seriously - that way she can refresh her memory easier and it might help her put together a game plan for you
I know that feeling - that sorrow - like an endless pit of it. Tbh - I can't figure out what triggers it either or even explain where it comes from. I want to say in some ways it's grief - like mourning the losses of - everything. The loss of - life? Maybe?
Parts are used to hiding - to being unseen. They're used to keeping secrets - to keep what happened to them quiet and secret. Tell noone or if you did - noone believed. They may be afraid to not be believed again
It's frustrating - trying to talk - trying to explain. It seems futile and frustrating and I do that too - just go quiet and shut down and sit there like an idiot - because it's easier to just not say anything - even if I could - can I say it clear enough for people to understand anyway?
It does feel like you're being robbed - like ok - if they were - is that supposed to justify what they did? Does that excuse it? If it happened to them - then shouldn't they have tried harder to not repeat it? Did they have any thoughts about it being wrong? It's hard to wrap your mind around it. Like I can sympathize with what they went through - but it still doesn't excuse it. Like what - now that it's in the past are we supposed to bound over it - have coffee and compare notes - scars? It kind of ranks right up there with forgiveness for me. Yeah - I think I'm alittle pissed about the idea lol and my main abuser is still abusive - so it's not like she's changed her ways or seen the light or anything
Tbh - no lol - there's still somethings simmering under the surface - I catch flares of it sometimes. It's like a vibration I guess is the best I can explain it. So at some point soon there will be another one - we just have to keep it from getting too far out of control - but if I'm honest - I can feel it building and I don't like it :|
Cool - thank you :) He's pretty cool - smart but doesn't have much of a sense of humor lol - just really serious. He's like a caretaker/ protector but he's usually really nice
@mytwistedsoul
I LOVE Badflower! The song, Ghost is my favorite! I checked out Motionless in White! That song, Another Life, Yasss! My random song sharing: ( I do not know how to do that cool link thing) https://youtu.be/l5-gja10qkw Highly Suspect - My Name is Human. And : https://youtu.be/5s3ytiYZS8g Manchester Orchestra, Silence. This song gives me a serious case of the feels .
Bwhahahah for her book! LOL! That's a good idea though I was going to email her a copy after our session - she can use it as a handbook on me. She really does need to study it :p . She will have enough emails to write a book for sure - hahah.
I think your are right about it being grief. The all encompassing , endless pit, of grief. It's still there but in a smaller dose, easier to hold. It is actually making it so it is hard to focus and even write this...the constant gnawing at me is getting to me.
Yes, oh god - just sitting there like an idiot! I know that well. And that resignation of even trying to communicate after a while. .. Sometimes I just want to pretend to be mute so I can just write out words instead.
Damn right! Being abused Does Not justify someone abusing others. If anything, it should be the motivating forces that compels them Not to do that, the driving force of empathy. I am so sorry that your main abuser is Still abusive. Can I ask, is she still in your life? You don't have to answer that, of course.
It makes sense that you describe the simmering under the surface as a vibration. Emotion is energy and the body feels energy. Sounds like incredibly powerful emotions coming up. I am sorry that you have to suffer through how intolerable it is, as it is building. i guess it is batten down the hatches and prepare for the storm. I have had those moments as well.
Awww he was Completely nice and very caring about me and little me and our welfare :) Serious, yes, but there is nothing wrong with that. You have a very good protector!
@blissedNblessed Ghost is awesome! And Manchester Orchestra - Silence. The first time I heard it - wow. Goosebumps
Its definitely a good idea to email her a copy
It eases at times - the grief. Idk if we get distracted from it or if it just comes in waves like that. It's just random sometimes - like you said you can't find a trigger it just pops up
We haven't seen her in allmost three years. She's not allowed here. She used to call the cops and have them come and do wellness checks after she was forbidden to come. The cops are aware of the situation now though and if she's called them - I haven't heard about it. My father I saw a few months ago but that was the first in years. He was abusive too but he left when we young. He left me with her. There's alot of really mixed feelings about him
Your letter to your therapist was good - well written and understandable - I hope it helps her help you
I hope your able to get some rest - no sleep makes everything worse. I hope things go good tomorrow :)
@mytwistedsoul
Random song sharing, I am sure you have heard of Blue October, but maybe not. https://youtu.be/dDxgSvJINlU?list=TLPQMTUwMTIwMjLNFiV2CJLSDg Jamming to this now. Blue October - Hate Me
And another random music share, lol: https://youtu.be/43shWAw01Vs?list=TLPQMTUwMTIwMjLNFiV2CJLSDg Rainbow Kitten Surprise -Devil Like Me
Yeah, I think grief does roll in like waves - with no reason or trigger sometimes. Just glad That is over...for now, lol.
Its so good that the police know about the whole situation. God, I can't even imagine getting welfare checks from a abuser - I am so sorry you went through that. Thank god she is out of your life, well, for the most part . Three years out of your life is good :) I am sorry it is not more.
I totally get it - having torn thoughts about your father - he left you with her - that IS so hard to try to digest and understand. Mixed feelings make so much sense. One of my Hes ( I feel so fucking stupid for saying it like that all the time, but I ..just can't) is still very much in my life. I have just ignored him and his whole family for about coming up to be 3 weeks. I have such mixed feelings now too - I just cannot be around him or talk to him right now.
Thanks for checking my letter out. I am so done with that. I have mad a million little changes to it. I am done with her and seeking someone new if she reads this and Still doesn't understand me.
Nope, no rest nor sleep here. Day 3. I am exhausted but I can't allow myself to sleep for some reason.
Fuck, I can't go anywhere, do anything and even on damn cups too - without being triggered to the core of my being. Im sitting here in this deep shame crying - over something so stupid! And I Know its NOT about that - its about What was triggered. I actually wonder if I will EVER find ANY peace at all. I feel so fucking broken.
So I did a thing. I wrote a short story , err, the first chapter of it. Or the introduction if it is going to be much longer. I wrote it so easily - like it was just trying to come out. Then , I read it. And it hits me:
This story ( or the beginnings of a story, more like, intro, lol) is telling exactly how I feel about my abuse and my abuser ( the He I have not been talking about). Its uncanny! Then I got really sad...because this story is like my life: How the trauma seeps through and taints, colors - everything in my life to the point even my little horror story for fun - is oozing with pain and trauma feelings.
And how my whole life - it revolves around keeping these secrets. Even now that I am trying to open up and share, my voice and words will not follow through. I think I am doing quite well here though , in my journal, tearing out what is inside so I can look at it. Then this rush of anger - that I even have to keep secrets . Why am I still held hostage by these people? Why am I bound by shame? It is not my shame ( but I feel it, I am it, where does it start and I end?) but I carry it.
Why do I keep his ( HIS) secrets against me and his atrocities? I understand why I keep his - I still have to be around him, live a life with him in it. ( I wish I didn't sometimes and I just can't now - I have been ignoring him for weeks because I just...can't, I swear to god I will fall apart). But why, HIS? He has such utter and total control by fear over me - bore into my very core of being. I HATE THAT EVIL BASTARD - yet I keep his secrets to the point it is harming me 10X over. I can not get out of his grasp - physical or emotional. He is not here anymore, he is dead but his physical hold on me still is so alive in how I feel. I feel I have not aged when I think of him and everything is just like how it was.
And why the hell am I still up? This is yet another night of no sleep for me. Day two. I think my brain will not turn off because I am afraid to slow it down and let the thoughts settle in. Too many days of new memories popping up , especially when I try to sleep. I guess I need a break. I just wish I could still sleep and have that break. Well, I would be up in 4 hours anyways.
TW: violence and animal cruelty :( - musing on memories
My dad took me to this dog fight when I was very little. I remember it being far out away from any city or town - down this long winding road that led to this open field. He didn't tell me where we were going. He never told me where we were going - or he would lie. It always bothered me, the not nothing. Will I be safe?
It was the worst place I can even imagine. I am sure there are rings of hell surely devoted to this. It was an assault on the senses as soon as we walked in. The smell of stale beer violated my nose. The shouting and cheering and drunken banter seemed way to loud for my ears. The mass of people inside, milling around, shouting, cheering, fighting - that sense of danger in the air as sharp as a winter's wind. Every instinct of mine was telling me to get out of there. But I had no choice but to stay.
Mounds of dull and stained hay were lined up everywhere. It seemed to make up the walls and the fighting arena. Fighting arena. How can these things even happen? I always thought that strange. But there I was, this small little child, in the middle of a world of fighting and decay, of strangers and beer, blood stained hay and so much pain.
I remember there was this beautiful dog . Crunched into a cage too small for him. His owner was Beating him with a stick. BEATING HIM. I could FEEL every time that wooden stick came down on its body. I winced with it. My father said it was to make the dog angry so it would fight better. My heart sank - I could not even listen.
Over and over, he was beaten. His mouth was snarled and drooling, his body shaking, his eyes - so much pain, glazed over in anger and self defense. This dog was not angry - he didn't want to fight - he was protecting himself. I knew what it was like to BE that dog. They threw him in that cage and teased him and beat him. Put raw meat in front of his cage, just out of his reach - what great depths they went to to rid him of anything he had left of himself. Nothing but his shell of bones and muscle.
I remember I started crying. Not a silent cry - but a full body cry with snot and drool and everything. I SCREAMED at that man to stop hurting the dog. I ran to his cage and tried to rescue it. It snapped and growled. It did not know I was there to rescue it. It only new pain and suffering. I understood that dog. His owner pushed me back into the crowd to get away from him. My dad yelled at me to shut up and go outside.
My heart was hurting for the dog I could not save. For myself that I could not save. For the swirls of blood and snarling, for the images of caged dogs being beat. The smell of beer and sweat. The danger that I could not put my finger on. For metal bars of cages and that thrumming of the stick on each bar - constant noise and confusion. The cries of pain and terror from these animals. The blood.
I remember when my dad's dog had puppies. They were the most innocent sweet little things and I loved them all. But there was one I loved most of all - the runt of the liter. He was so special. There was something about him, and only him, that made me love him even more. Maybe I saw myself in him, the runt. The one no one chooses. The weaker one.
So my dad and my sisters were out in the yard p playing with these pups. And my dad kept taking them and making them climb up this couch - but it was the back of the couch , so it was a straight vertical climb for these little guys. I watched in horror as he and my sisters made them climb straight up as they fell over and sideways and landed on the ground. There eyes were not even Open yet . They were so weak.
I clutched each puppy and took them away - getting yelled at and hit, over and over as I tried to save each one - especially the runt. They were so scared. My heart was broken. I tried to save them. My dad and sisters thought this was so funny, this plight of these puppies. I didn't understand. I told them to stop, to leave them alone. But after being hit so many times you just kind of learn to stop. I could not save them.
The runt was picked, by my one half- sister, and another dog as well, to keep. I was so happy and relieved that they chose the runt - I begged them to keep that one. He was so special and I loved him at first sight. I watched Runt grow up as I visited my dad on the weekends and lived with them during the summer.
My dad BEAT those dogs though. BEAT. I would watch, helplessly as he did just like the guys did at the dog fight, taking a stick and coming down , onto his body, so hard with full force. Onto Runt. He would cry and slink back to protect himself. Another whack, hard on its back - a snarl, gnashing of teeth - such a maddening , high pitched cry. Yelps of pain. My heart broke with every whimper. I wanted to run to him, to save him again. To protect him and keep him safe. Oh god, I didn't save him at all .
One day I came over to spend the weekend there. And runt was gone. Just a leash on the ground, attached to a metal fence. And a kicked over beaten down food bowl - empty. I asked them, with this high pitched squeal, where is Runt? They told me he had run away. My sisters were crying, my dad angry, his girlfriend ( wife at the time saying horrible things about Runt and how she never liked him.
And me, I was filled with such elation and joy - Runt had run away! I was so happy because, it doesn't matter if he was alone or hungry, scared or lost, and even if he died - he would be better off He would be better of, even if hes hungry or scared, lost or even if he died - better off? YES! And I don't know what struck me to ask this question of myself, but I did: Do you think maybe that is how You felt about Yourself? Even if I am hungry or scared, lost or even if I died, I would be better off? Yes. That is exactly what my little heart felt. And now, as an adult, I do not even know what to do to sooth her, to make everything okay. I don't think there is anything. I think she should run away like Runt, and be better off.
@blissedNblessed
I feel this vast depth of .. SORROW.
It is so BIG that I cannot even wrap my hands around it. It will not leave. It will not lessen. I fear and feel it is eating me alive, taking me over until there is nothing left But, sorrow. My heart is Racing and I can not calm down. This sorrow I have been holding since yesterday and it is growing, exponentially. Nothing I do will take this away. I can not place this anywhere or put it anywhere. I cannot Hold it anymore. I will only exist in ash and dust. It is all consuming - sorrow.
I thought if I place it Here, in this journal, I could walk away from it. Or maybe keep some of it here and only have to hold, part. But no, it is not working like that. I cant let this go, i cant drop it, i cant get away from it.
I honestly do not know what to do - it feels agonizing. I have read my " coping skills list", a thousand times over. I have tried to let it go, tried to think of something else but it is this Constant companion in my heart. Not just my heart but my entire body FEELS this. Every cell is reverberating THIS. I cannot hold this anymore.
I do not know how to comfort myself. It is not even specific memories attached to this floating, all pervasive, sorrow. It is just sorrow - a life of it's own: a living, breathing thing.
@blissedNblessed
Well, I am Still holding this sorrow. Nothing is making it go away - but it feels...a little less? I am still choking on it though. I can not eat and I feel like throwing up. I do not know if my physical body can hold this for much longer. I know it will not kill me - I know that. But I still Feel like it is too much for my brain, my mind, my body - my soul. It is too heavy to carry.
I might as well make fucking peace with it - befriend the damn misery. Maybe somehow trigger my mascochistic side to just fucking love it - and thrive on it! No, I am not going to do that - but I am at wits end, I am just throwing out crazy ideas to find some damn peace. I feel like all I have done this morning is journal, journal, journal this out and I still get no relief - I always get relief this way, what is going on?
Maybe it is not mine to hold? Maybe I am not holding it right? Maybe there is some lesson to learn - some message - some hidden wisdom in all of this. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I had the strength today to delve Into it and find out where it is coming from. I worry that , That , might be the only way through and out of this.
I just sit here, chain smoking ( and I am the Last person in the world that should be Smoking - with my lungs and all), drinking coffee ( again, not the best choice - think relaxing behaviors blissed, wtf). And listening to this music on loop. My heart still feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. Maybe that would be best, then my heart would not have to feel all of this.
This is my letter to my therapist. If THIS doesn't work, to get her to understand me, my needs and what is going on, it is hopeless and I will have to find another therapist. And I do not want to have to go through that whole process again but I really feel unheard and that is so harmful for me. I hope I explained everything okay. I think I did.
I am so nervous about reading this aloud to her. I am scared I will cry. I have not shown any emotions to her, with her. There is something so vulnerable about expressing emotions to another human being. Ant this is so counter intuitive to how I have survived, keeping my traumas secret. Don't tell. Don't let anyone in. Don't express or show any emotions. Don't let anyone know what you are thinking. Fake happy. It will all be okay.
...random note to myself - I have let go of some of that all pervasive sorrow I have been holding for days now. I don't know how, I have not done anything. Maybe it is just going away on its own - maybe I am numbing myself up - that usually happens without my consent anyways. Whatever it is, I am grateful because I could NOT anyone.
I am going to keep coming back to this letter and changing it as needed .It will help that it is here and I can look at it when I am on cups. I am also going to force myself into the real world and get off of here for a while. Maybe I am focusing on the pain too much - I don't know. Time for some distractions. I wish to god I was not out of pot. That would have saved my ass right now. But I can not even get any until probs, not for a few months - I am flat ass broke.
I could clean the house ( lol, but I don't want to do that) - or - I can do some self care I guess. Maybe I need to spend some time in meditation, above thought and beyond thought. Thoughts are strangling me now.
The letter:
My self-protection narrative has skewed what I thought my experiences were. I can see and hear, feel and think about what happened, but I am torn between the self-narrative and that which actually took place. This is so Beyond just objective vs subjective.
This is important: The point is that I Cannot translate the feelings, thoughts, body sensations and memories of what happened to me in the memory that I shared with you, or to any young memory, to my adult self/It’s lost in translation/ My adult self does not understand what happened, physically. I need help taking my little me memories and translating this into adult words and accepting and holding, all the feelings, from both that child part of me that went through it and the adult part of me that is just realizing what really happened.. And no, I didn’t always really know about all of this. Most of this is NEW to me.
I Honestly did think that He had only just done a few sporadic things to me, but mostly, he just didn’t have good boundaries Yes, I seriously believed that. I’ve told myself it’s because there are cultural differences – frantically grabbing anything to hang onto for safety and to not have to look at it for what it is. The problem is that I convinced myself of these narratives ...until now. I only knew half stories before. I knew that something felt bad, but it was just a misunderstanding – it was really okay. And I came here, into therapy, seeking help for my trauma from the Other He. Not this one. I didn’t think there was really that much to talk about with this one – no big deal.
I shared this He with you as my first memory to speak because it is easier than the other, He. I am TERRIFIED of the Other He. I never gave this He much thought at all. But this is now fucking up my brain so bad – I am taking this all in, and I feel like I’m doing it alone because I can’t seem to share with you how I feel – that’s on me.
It has such an effect and I do not know how to accept this and what to do. I feel panicked about it. What do you do when that happens? I feel like, since I am just realizing now What he was doing and for longer than I realized – that it feels like it JUST happened because these memories are That new. I do not know what to do. This is NOT something I always known. And I didn’t explain that well enough I do not think, in our last session.
But this opened up everything. There was so much going on. And I have new memories, multiples ones, every damn day. But that’s okay – because at least I remember, at least I know. And I feel like I cannot tell you because you don’t want me to be distressed. I feel like I have to keep secrets, even from you. I am not saying I want to tell you everything that has happened to me and all at once and then just sit there in the aftermath and suffer. I don’t. But I do want to feel free to bring things up as they come up for me – or as they assault my mind, or memory or senses. Because I need to process them as they come, I think.
I am just so tired of holding secrets and I feel like: great, more memories – what to do I do with them, how to I process, how do I think about them? How am I supposed to feel? What do I feel? This Does change who I am – this does change everything for me. Each memory comes in and changes things up. Maybe one day that can all be for the better – but I must go through the muck to get there. I have to feel and express these things.
And I am so scared of that. Scared I will lose myself in it, or that I am underserving of your compassion. That I am making a big deal about nothing or being oversensitive and I end up just feeling embarrassed. And even the fear that if I feel them, I will die. And I know you said that is because how I was feeling during the abuse – but I need to hear that, maybe over and over again, until I can understand that with all of me and accept it. Because I really fear I might die. You don’t understand, I have adult thoughts, but I do not have adult feelings – there seems to be a disconnect – when it comes to trauma. There is so much that I need that I have not been able to express. And my soul is breaking.
I need to feel all these things where it is safe, probably here in our sessions. I need to let down my guard. I need to know how to do that because it goes against all my self-perseverance. Hell, I am still learning to speak, to use my voice. I need to be able to tell you what’s hurting me and to express emotions with you. I know I have a poker face all the time – I am not used to expressing feelings in front of others – this is how I kept my secrets safe. I need to be able to share with you the new memories as I am getting them because I can’t do this alone. And the body memories are so shameful and terrifying, and I cannot tell if I am present and even if I am, the sensations are still there. I am ashamed of them. I need to talk about this, too.
And the blanks, I need to know what to do with all these blanks in the story where I have no memory, or I had just left and dissociated. I need to be able to name the He and take back my power. I need to know how to have him in my life now because I have just been ignoring his calls for weeks. I need to fall apart when I do name him and know that falling apart is okay. I need to tell you about him, and other him, and her, and the other her. I need you to push me a little more because it is so easy for me to stay silent and keep things in.
I got sleep, finally , last night. I eventually broke down and just took my anxiety meds, lol. They knocked me out and I was able to get a few hours of really good sleep. I feel so much better. I probably should have done that 3 days ago, bwhahahahah. I just hate having needing to make meds. But between the sorrow and the anxiety - ugh, it was much need. But after getting sleep ( finally) I feel like I have a better outlook - I feel more like me. ( The Sorrow, it's gone ).
Today is my therapy appointment. I READ the email to her. ( And yes, I have practiced it aloud so many times until the words lose meaning.) I am actually really proud of myself for not emailing it, and instead, taking the chance and trying to use my voice to tell her these things. ( good job, here's a lollipop). Part of me is doing this because I NEED to learn to express how I feel, what's going on and what I need with my Out Loud Words. And tbh, part of me is doing this because I feel I was " in trouble" ( feels like I was, that and shamed - but this is my own trigger) for writing an email. I am kind of scared to email her and have her tell me to not do that again, or she didn't read it, or ahhh, to get in trouble with her. But, the biggest part of me is doing this because I Want to learn to use my voice.
I have a voice. My words have meaning and power. My voice matters. I have a right to speak, to express. I have a right to say NO and YES, and everything in between. I am still learning this and how to do this - I honestly do not feel that way now, but I WILL! I will not stop until I do feel this truth. it is my RIGHT, a right that was STOLEN from me, very early on - and I am now taking it back! It doesn't matter that I waited so long to take this back and it doesn't matter how long it takes.
Another thing I am going to work on, in therapy ( and hopefully eventually here, in my journal) I am going to Name the He(s). . . and eventually, the she(s). Name the relation. Take the power back by Speaking, aloud and in written form. I feel as long as I am SO AFRAID and SO ASHAMED to do this, they still have the power. I need to put the shame back onto them.
Sometimes this is all so overwhelming. I think, there is just so much I have to work through. I know it's not necessary to process Every memory in order to heal. Thank god. But I think, I am going to have to at least process the big ones ( and some smaller ones) from each main abuser, each rape as a teenager, and each random person that abused me as a child, too. And then I think, god, that's so much. How did this all happen to me? How did I even survive intact? And then to think of all the memories I still have yet to remember.
But the point is, I did survive. And somehow, even though I am suffocating under all the trauma, there is a way out - a way to wholeness. I don't know this way yet - but I know the way it is not, and I am going to do different things now. Not revert back to the old, the way that kept secrets in , hidden and covered. And today, I am going to speak my needs and my truths and Ask for what I need. And hopefully - be able to express emotions with and to my therapist.
That is so frightening - to express my emotions and feelings to and with others. This was never safe. Tis was self protection - the silence. It kept my secrets safely hidden away so I would not get into trouble. So that I would not get anyone into trouble. So I would not have everyone know, I am bad.
Bad - this word oozes with shame and self blame. Blame and self hate I want and will ( eventually) give back to my abusers.
...and I Know I have so much other trauma that falls into other categories than sexual abuse. The physical abuse from my father, the violence that was in my life, the damn pure chaos of my life and uncertainty forced on me. The verbal abuse and my internalization of that. My mother being so sick and in and out of the hospitals, her heart attack in front of me as a child ( and I could not even call 911, I was so scared and frozen), the hiss hiss puff of her machine and her death when I still need her and she left me with no one to love me or take care of me. The constant bullying when i was in grade school and elementary school. The words of that one girl when I sat down at the lunch table and tried to belong: " Nobody likes you. No one wants you here. Why don't you go kill yourself". Words I repeat back to myself all the time, still.
Abuse and trauma seeps into everything I do, see, hear and think and yes, feel. If I do not keep going forward, even when it hurts, towards healing, I will never be able to truly be free to be me and to live an authentic life with peace and without self hate. This, this outcome ( and I know I Will achieve this healing) will never happen unless I keep pushing through and doing the hard work - like today, reading the email and using my voice. And Talking about the abuse and my feelings and how I think without giving up and sitting in silence because its just too hard and unfamiliar to talk.
Today is a new day. Another chance to speak my truth.
..and mostly, all the ways in which ALL that SHIT changed me - made me hide my true self, hide from life itself. I want to see other people as potential friends instead of potential abusers or enemies.
@blissedNblessed
...and PEACE. I will work on coming to terms with all the ways in which I acted out or re-victimized Myself. All the ways in which I acted out trauma - as a child, teenage and adult. The sex for money, drugs and whatever it was. The sexually acting out as a child with adults ( it is THEIR fault for allowing a child to DO that to them - and it is THEIR fault, the others ones, that watched or turned their heads). The situations I ended up in that were abusive and dangerous...yet blamed myself because I didn't realize that it was all due to trauma and the way it made me believe things about myself and my worth.
I can't do this - I can't heal, I can't do therapy. I can't do life. I am beyond damaged. I can not even speak how I feel, I cannot even show emotions to another. It was not my therapist's fault - it's mine - I can not get this stuff out. And this stuff will destroy me if left inside. It has ruined every part of me and in every way . My entire life and every day in it, is colored by what happened.
I give up. I give up trying. Nothing is going to get better. I might as well just shove all this shit back into the bottomless pit within me and just say, fuck it all. I cannot be saved. I am not even worth saving.
It's probably good that I am so sick. I don't think it would even be a bad thing when I d-- anymore. Because maybe in d---h, I will get what I could not find in life, peace. I never asked to be here. I would choose to not bee, if I could. Not some heavenly afterlife or some changed form of energy - I want to notT exist. To have never been and to never be....I stopped taking my stupid inhaler for my lungs. I didn't know why - I was just sick of it not helping - maybe That too was for the better - maybe it will push this along faster. I do not care anymore. I have no reason to fight.
And I have been so damn proud of me not self harming for 5 years ( minus my slip up during /after a flashback that I didn't even know I was doing. I do not care I have been self harm free - it means nothing. Because you know what? You are a piece of fucking shit bliss. You are a joke. You are so damaged and past the point of fixing ANYTHING.
I officially retire from the self harm free club. That is my Only friend. That is The ONLY way I can deal with all of this. That is what I DESERVE. It WAS your fault - if it weren't, you'd be better, you would be able tp get help, you would be able to be a fucking human being and express your feelings and thoughts out loud. But no, you sit and poker face and hide everything, even knowing that you can't heal like that, you stupid bitch. . . Maybe he doesn't want you to heal - you fucking worthless dumpster. You are an embarrassment, a disgrace, a looser. You can't do anything right and I HATE YOU. Give up you piece of shit - shit, that is what you are - everyone knew it and now everyone knows it now.
You can't talk? You can't express? You are wasting the therapist's time. At least be respectful of THAT you fucking bitch. Selfish, ugly, lazy, hateful , worthless waste of a human life. You waste the air you take up and the space you take up. You have no right to be here. Go ahead and self harm, there's nothing keeping you from doing it anymore. - you deserve it and that is the only way to get the emotions out or cope - that is all you have left. Nothing else. Only that. I HATE YOU. You think they punished you, I can do worse. How dare you try to get help - you are the CAUSE of this, you do not get to have help - only people who deserve help can. I will fucking keep you silent for the rest of your pitiful existence you fucking whore. You will never get help - you are not worthy of it. And she knows it , everyone does. You think that the abuse was their fault? WRONG. It was YOUR fault - they chose YOU because they KNEW, everyone knows - you are shit. You are a thing to be used as people see fit. I will hurt you so bad you will never think of talking or daring to get help. No one can help you. I will punish you so fucking bad - you think you have had pain - I can cause you so much more pain. And you will love it you nasty fucking bitch .
@blissedNblessed I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I had a very bad reaction when trying talk therapy 30 years ago and the therapist stopped the therapy. Talking about these abuses are hard! It doesn’t mean that you are worthless or at fault. I hope that you won’t be so hard on yourself.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you for saying this. And I am sorry about my complete break down. I figured out that it is not me - it is my therapist because no matter how hard I ask her to help me talk - she won't. She opened up wounds and refused to process them with me nor let me express my emotions about them. I have found another therapist I think will be a much better fit. At least I have red flags now. I did come back to cups - tail between my legs, embarrassed. But back.