Rantings and Revelations ~ TW

Love and Little Red Droplets

My advice?

Just skin me alive and watch me fall to the ground.

Caress my bare bones with your thoughtful hands,

Tears of blood remain trails, marking your touch.

Kiss me with your lies.

Bring your lips to mine.

As I open my mouth in response to yours,

Our tongues come to meet, greet and exchange vows.

Blood trickles from my weeping wounds

Past your lips, down your throat

You’re drinking me down

I tremble at your chin.

Tear the secrets out

Plunge deep within.

Rip them out and smear them on canvas

For everyone to see.

What kind of fuckery is this? Yes, I feel sick and twisted that I just wrote this. I do not know what the inspiration is. A desire to not be alone, to re-paint the past, to fucking just get it out

I keep getting these mini flashbacks. They seem to last only a few seconds - but I am right back there, they are so intense and my body just flips out. They are actually WORSE than the longer ones that kind of uncover a lot more of the memory. At least those were less.. intense, but not as graphic? I guess that is the word, less graphic, maybe...

They are of these horrible explicit nasty details better forgotten. Just a glimpse - but enough to know Exactly what I am enduring. And I feel trapped and physically feel crushed and so terrified. My body goes into overdrive, just for those moments - so fast....and then I am left, trying to figure out what to do with this information and just trying to calm myself and feel present.

What DO I do with this shit? I have not even discussed One Fucking memory with my therapist because I am so scared. I can not even Tell her who "he" is. My words just fail. I do not even know how I will tell her a memory...a detail. How can I even admit to myself and say out loud such shameful things?

And the shame that shrouds the other "he"! I can't even admit to myself - I know what happened, I know details, there is a lot missing, but I know, I remember. But I say to myself, " it was only once" ( it wasn't just once), it felt wrong and bad, but it was really acceptable (it was not acceptable) - I was just really sensitive" ( I was abused), I say outright LIES to myself to make it sound and make me wish away what happened. Even in the face of pure FACTS, I bend the truth so it didn't happen - with That one. " Naked wrestling - yeah right. Tell me another good lie, dear self.

I am scared that once I start the baby steps of trying to talk about a memory or when i start talking more about how it made me feel ( tomorrows appointment I'm supposed to try to talk about it in some way) that I will start feeling younger and do that horrible age regression shit - or I will have flashbacks in front of her - or start to Feel the emotions of back then ...and i don't know how to hold them, how to cope with them when they are so intense! I honestly fear for my life. They feel all consuming and i feel it will make me die.

I wish I could take back the email I sent of my impact statement. I feel so vulnerable and triggered that she KNOWS. I mean...no details and I didn't out specific people. But so much of what I hold inside, hide away and fear other people will know, I willingly gave to her and she knows. I guess its both a good and a bad thing. Bad because it triggers the hell out of me - good because this will help her to help me.

Ahhhh! Fuck.

Well, all this hard work and vulnerability and being scared to show my therapist in email - the impact statement. All for nothing! She thinks either I am bat shit crazy or so damn fragile I will break. I give a firm no I'm not, to both of these.

She wrote back and said this:

She thinks we need to shift the focus to feeling/staying emotionally safe ( I knew she thinks im crazy). Then she says, the other focus on getting rid of the negative feelings i have about myself.

okay, yes - those are both great things and yes, i need them both. BUT - she basically just threw back my vulnerable self giving her this personal and shameful stuff about my life and she throws it back at me, telling me not to talk about it and what are we going to do? focus on keeping me emotionally safe.

THIS IS SO FUCKING BECAUSE THE AGE REGRESSION SHIT...and possibly the self harm. I knew she was holding that against me and thinking im nuts! No one would say this shit to someone who is stable in their eyes. Great, she thinks im fragile, crazy And unstable!

How am i even going to TALK to her anymore, knowing this?

Or do i know it? Am I using some sort of fallacy of thought?

she said ty for sharing, then she will keep me emotionally safe as i do this challenging work. Then asked if im using coping skills ( i am) ( she thinks im freaking out and losing my shit). Then she decides to SHIFT THE FOCUS to feel/stay emotionally safe ( what the fuck does that mean?) and getting rid of my negative feelings about myself.

OOOOOH - wait, i get it. I reread the damn email a million times. i think she meant this:

she said i think we should focus now on helping you to feel and to stay emotionally safer. I just wrote a million ways and times over in my impact statement that i do NOT feel emotionally safe - ever or anywhere. Then on getting rid of my negative emotions about myself: again, i wrote her a million negative things about myself. So maybe it is this and not what i first assumed. ( lol, journaling does help).

Today I had my therapy session. I tried to talk to her , out loud, about a specific abuse memory. I have never done it before and sucked and didn't do it - but I tried. She asked me to pick one. How do I pick one? Lol, I even asked her what is the criteria for picking? It so damn overwhelming to think of one except for the BIG ones that really have warped me and fucked me up - but i am NOT ready to discuss those. I tried talking about one like that - but i would have had to tell her a horrendous whole damn night of abuse , plus the morning after - its all one story ...and i just couldn't get it out. and i was afraid she would be bored with me talking so much.

How do i even use out loud words to say disgusting things? Shameful things? Things that give me flashbacks and terror and make me want to curl up and die? And, to be honest, how do I pick one? What is the criteria to chose? And I do not want to sound like I am trying to get pity because I am not ( I hate pity) - but just from one abuser alone, that's eight and a half years of abuse. Which time do I even bring up? Do I bring up very early childhood, childhood? teen years of rapes? Adult assault and rape? I mean I am so damn overwhelmed with so many fucking options! I honestly do not know how to choose!

I do not want a super hard one - nor one that is so little that I don't have much of a reaction to it. I am literally sick to my stomach thinking about this. I am making my aunt dinner right now-but I cant even eat.

I am going to chose one though - I am not letting this opportunity to talk and heal go by the wayside! I will talk out loud, even if my voice quivers and cracks and i cry or scream. It is TIME to speak my truth!

I think I am going to do a post soon, maybe tonight, in this journal...where I practice by written word, what abuse I will talk about and how I will explain it. I will write TW TW TW TW TW TW all over the top of the page - just for an fyi in case anyone is reading it. I do not even know if I can DO that in this journal. Can I? Can I write down, with detail, an abuse memory? well, lol, im going to. I NEED to get this out, i need to figure out how to word this and i will save a copy for me and print it out or save to my phone...and not email her. Because, lol, she caught me when i said ill email it to her in case i cant speak it. But she said, that's missing the whole point, in order to heal - you need to learn to use your voice. Touché! So ill write it here and figure it all out with written word - I might have to scrap a few stories and start again if I am too triggered with what I chose. ahhhh, but what do I choose? I think I know...its a BIG one though - but will be so much less because I am NOT telling her WHO this person is to me. It is of the first time this one abuser....ahhh, i cant even say it. how am i going to talk about it??? I do not know how to even put the words down via typing! The first time one of the abusers....raped me as a child.

ahhhhh - i said it. I feel ...what do i feel?

Physically I feel sick, I want to puke. I feel disassociation is starting. I feel like the world around me is going further and further back and I am retreating further and further in. There is even an odd sensation in my body, especially in my head - like my head is fuzzy.

Okay - grounding time, apparently.

This homework she gave me might be the hardest homework i have ever had to do in my life.

Thank god the dinner I am cooking for my aunt is near ready - gives me time to go think about making her dinner and giving it to her and less about this odd feeling of disappearing.

I also am coming back again tonight to write up about my therapy session today - in particular - she keeps asking me about DID symptoms and assessing me and ... I think she thinks i might have it or doesn't know how the hell i don't have it - she actually said something like that to me today. And I didn't tell her the truth of some of my , " symptoms" because I do not want anything else wrong with me. But secretly, I do wonder and am sort of concerned. I think I need to talk to her about it - but I need to talk to her and get out my memory , first!

Okay - in therapy today we discussed something that is very concerning to me. We were talking about my age regression where I feel, talk and act younger than I am. Then she was talking about the psyche and personality and ways our brain copes with trauma. And she brought up my disassociation, too. She said that very often the mind splits off parts ( DID). Which I only kind of know about - the basics, but not everything - which I need to know more and this is bothering me.

It is bothering me because she said something like she had been assessing me, from the beginning for this. She sees things she is concerned about. But she doesn't think I have it - but then she goes onto say that she is still watching for it and often times, i may have an inkling, or know. So, she questioned me about that. I told her, which is true, that I was concerned about that after the age regressions tuff and I took a test online for it and scored low ( to be honest, I didn't quite understand the questions so I am not sure if I have incorrect assessment ...online, for whatever that's worth.

I DIDN'T tell her the things I personally am concerned about: ( and they not be DID related at all, but I don't know. And I'm scared to tell her because I do not want to have it. And I know, if I do have this, on any space in the continuum , is there a continuum? - not telling her is not going to make me not have it.

This is why I am worried:

I have had very scary moments of not feeling like me - like my ...perspective switched and everything is the same in the room i am in - but my thinking and understanding of who I am and personality and age - are not me. Let me explain, i was REALLY STRUGELING with past trauma ( SA). And I was in my room feeling very weird and like i started feeling not my age and way younger and my room was looking different like I didn't recognize it ...and the scariest part: I was looking at my hands and i was so confused why my hands looked like " big girl hands". I was COMPLELTEY a younger me - my entire understanding of things i thoughts or saw or felt - all younger me. No adult me present - I was faintly aware of this though - me and awareness of it coming from, well, me - now as I am. But there was such a disconnect - like i was somewhere else kind of watching her ( younger me) freak out but still, not my perspective, perspective and mind set was totally younger me. I wonder if that is like DID symptoms? I don't even know.

And as a kid i used to have these invisible friends - but i wouldn't Talk to them/ play with them, I would Become each one. And they were all separate with different personalities . There was one who "was sick all the time" ( from trauma of my mother being sick all the time and going in and out of the hospital, I'm sure). The one who has " bad" stuff done to her. The one who was angry. The one who was hurt ( physically / physical abuse). And it was really me the whole time - not invisible friends. I worry that that might have been the initial split? But perhaps I overcame and integrated since then?

Looking at my life in retrospect and its like, omg - i just assumed they are phases of who I was - trying to figure out who I am by delving into different interests and lifestyles, and they might be - but each " phase" of my life - I had different types of friends, different nicknames, different personality almost, different interests to the point they are SO different from all my " phases", even how I dressed are all extremely different. Things I wore and did and acted like and was - totally nothing like me now...and that goes for all my "phases" I went though. Maybe this is normal?

I don't know. I am scared to have something else wrong with me. But if this is wrong with me - I need to have this addressed. but then I'm sacred she will say, I cant help you. I mean, i feel whole, I feel integrated ..but then there are times and days I don't. I am so scared to tell her this.

I might email her what I just wrote here - about the symptoms - so she can have this info and then she can ask me the pertinent questions to find out if i do have it? I don't think I do - but if I did, would not surprise me. ...And how it's not that I feel I have another identity other than mine in my head - but I do hear this inner dialogue commenting on things I think, do or say. I always assumed it was my inner critic - but im not so sure now. I think she has me paranoid now about this - lol.

More random worries about DID because of the self assessment - hahahaah, this is like WebMD, this is not my friend - hahahha. But - listening to someone talk and then realize they did not hear part or all of what the person has said: omg, all the time when i am triggered this happens. I have the feelings sometimes that nothing is real or I am not real - but again, only when triggered and around SA struggles. Or staring off into space for so long and not realizing I'm doing it. and wtf - why is talking out loud to myself part of this self test? Doesn't everyone talk out loud to themselves? I know I do. And oooh- feeling like in one situation your react one way and then in another react like your a total different person - yeah . That happens. Looking at the world as though it is in a fog - every damn time I am triggered. yup.

And the last big one that concerns me, maybe for naught, is hearing voices in their head that comment on what they are doing. Holy shit - this is SO me. I have tried so hard to stop this but I cant. It is way worse when i am triggered though. I assume it is just either my inner critic or my internalized abuser? But - ahhh, how am I supposed to know? Maybe I really need to tell her. Maybe it is nothing at all. But I guess its best to find out because if it is and I can silence that voice ( I hate this so much) that would be a freaking miracle!

And @mytwistedsoul , I am totally tagging you because I wanted to share about my session with you. Also, you were talking to me about your protector coming out - so I am assuming you know about this stuff? Just wanted to get your personal opinion. I might just be freaking myself out about nothing and there is no worry for concern. But I have a sinking feeling and I have thought about this years before , too. Sorry to have tagged you on such a long and arduous post! Hope your session today went well for you.

* gentle safe hugs*

I hate myself for emailing her - that was so fucking stupid of me. Why did I think that was a good thing to do or even necessary? There is no way that is what is wrong with me - what the hell was i thinking? I just made the biggest ass out of myself. Now during our next session it will be totally filled with pointless questions about a disorder I do not even have! ugh!

I hope there is still time in our crazy session for me to talk about the memory. I did pick one out and started journaling about it ( not on here). I got the intro done yesterday but had to stop when it started getting real and started getting horrible and uncomfy and shameful.

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! Why did i email her that? i am so stupid.

I wrote it. I finished it. I have read it.

It was one of the hardest writings i have ever done.

im so proud its done but i feel so...all over the place. so very not in a healthy mindset. I can not even describe it.

I know i will not be able to read this. she says i need to voice this to heal. i will try because i need to heal, enough is enough. maybe she will be okay with me reading it, a tiny portion, each session.

im too exhausted to really journal tonight, or even reply much . I want to curl up in bed right now with a big stuffie and hide.

i feel so much shame, suffocating shame. shame that crawls into the back of my throat and refuses to let me breathe. how can i read such shameful things, out loud, to another. admit these things.

and she will know, without any doubt, Exactly who this person is that abused me in this memory i wrote up. and i know she will know. i know she wont say anything bc i already asked her not to, but i know that she knows - and that is such a sickening feeling. i want to throw up.

I am feeling someway about something right now. I say someway because I am not quite sure what I am feeling: angry, irritable, happy, relived?

I was diagnosed as bipolar over ten years ago. It seemed to fit - or close to fit and nothing else did. And so my identity came to include , being bipolar and all that goes along with it. It is even in my medical charts. I took medication for years - over ten years!

Well, about a little over a year ago, the meds started making me sick. I would puke them right up - not on purpose. So, I slowly started not taking them. Then it became instead of two times a day, once a day...then down to none at all. My physiatrist knows this. But here is the kicker:

It has been over a year with NO bipolar medication. And I have NOT had one bipolar episode or even symptoms - not one.

So, I tell my shrink this. You know what he says? Well, as you get older it tends to get better - and then later he goes on to say, well - maybe your brain chemistry sorted itself out. Bipolar brain chemistry does not just go away or sort itself out, does it? I have NEVER heard of that.

I do not think I Was ever bipolar. And I was forced to take...not forced, I was told to take bipolar meds for like ten years - ten years of my life on poison that my brain and body didn't need. My own shrink who diagnosed me doesn't even think I am bipolar, " anymore".

Well, shit. I think I do know why I was diagnosed as that - and it's my fault for not talking. I have been researching cptsd in detail. ( I am diagnosed ptsd - i am not sure but i do not think cptsd is a diagnosis yet? DSM wise? Someone correct me if I am wrong). I hope it is not because she said im ptsd but cptsd defines my life . I am reading and reading about it and i was just bawling because it describes me to a T. And gives so much sense and meaning and words to things i had no words to describe or thought that is just me - im weird.

All of my bipolar symptoms, all of the borderline symptoms ( I was also diagnosed as borderline too! And no longer fit the criteria) - omg, they are CPTSD. ALL of them. I want to just cry, I really do. Part relief and part so much sadness that no one caught this. And because I could not verbalize what happened and all the ways it effected me - and so i was misdiagnosed. My whole life feels like it has been one trauma reaction after another.

I do feel this wellspring of sadness and sorrow that is slowly starting to build. And I am not sure why...let me check in: If I had only told. I could have gotten help sooner. I would not have had to go through all the extra hell I did. I could have been in therapy for the trauma and cptsd instead of posisioning my body with medication it didn't need. If I would have gotten the correct treatment - I would not have been so suicidal throughout my life - so much self harm. So much . Not just ( TW): slashing my skin and bleeding as much as I can but self harm in every way, in all ways.

So here I sit, looking at my medications: something for depression, something for anxiety...I wonder if I need these too are these more posions for a diagnosis that I do not have? Bwhahaha, I know I need help with anxiety and depression - just for right now. I am hoping I will not need to be on depression meds after much healing. Anxiety , maybe...I am also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder - but ahahahha, that could be after effects of trauma, too. So I do not know anything anymore.

But I am kind of angry at these misdiagnosis. But I can't really blame him or anyone because i never opened up and told . So how would they know. Maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe I am just happy I am opening up now. And maybe it will not be so bad to open up in therapy Monday and speak my story aloud.

Something happened today - to the way I think, to my ability to recall memories, to see the TRUTH of the situation and not blame myself for being sexually abused or assaulted or raped as a child, a teenager and adult. It is like I have been wearing blinders that kept me from seeing the truth. And the narratives I told myself about the abuse - that it was okay, or felt bad and wrong but was appropriate, or it wasn't abuse or wasn't rape or it was my fault ...all of those narratives I can SEE though now. They are falling to the floor and there is such a mixed emotional response. My heart is lighter and I feel so free to not wear the burden of shame like a scarlet letter. But such depth of sadness too, for all the blame I put onto me that was not mine to hold. Such sorrow for all I have been through because it has been a lifetime of this. I just never saw it for what it was. I see it now.

I want to cry and hold my little self in my hands and heal her. I want to tell my entire being I am so sorry for blaming myself. For hurting myself in response to being hurt. For feeling the shame and guilt of each and every action against me and believing those feelings were what I felt about myself. ( I go back and forth with this - I'm innocent, I am to blame, it's not my fault, I shouldn't have done this or gone there, I had no power, I should have fought more, I couldn't tell , I should have told). Such great sadness for what I feel is wasted life turned in on myself.

I hope this sense of relief and finally letting go of my burden of blame stays with me. I am writing this so I never forget what I have realized. Even if my mind goes back to self hate - I have proof - here - that I did, for however long this lasts, released myself from unwarranted blame and place the fault squarely on my perpetrators. This happened. All this abuse happened. And it is not my fault. It is okay to talk about it because I didn't do anything wrong - this shame is NOT mine. I fucking give it back to those who deserve it.

Dear blissedNblessed,

In case you are freaking out after your session, here is a list of coping skills to try. Try them all if you have to - at least one of them should work!

Deep breathing

MIRA grounding app

Read or listen to something intellectually stimulating - focus on learning and understanding

Use 7 cups - journal, reach out, vent, express - get it out! You will be supported and understood.

Meditation

Smoke some weed for that emotional buffer

Hold something that reminds you of the Present moment - No stuffies!

Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.

Write poetry to get your feelings out

Reach out to therapist , if necessary

Look in my space to find things that remind me of the present moment ( use all senses)

Asking myself if what I am thinking is what is actually going on - check the reality vs. the narrative

Reading

Thought replacement

Creating art in some form - just to express feelings, not perfection

Mindfulness

Use self-love instead of self-harm

Allow myself to feel upset but for a set amount of time

Focusing on what I want to achieve and ask myself if what I'm doing now is helping to achieve that

Pampering myself with spa time at home

Acknowledging that I can feel afraid yet still act

Use anxiety meds if necessary

Listen to uplifting or soothing music

Do an empowering act for myself

Stand up for myself

Ponder my skills and strengths

Look at my coping skills list

Delve into learning something new

Listen to opera - renews passions for life

Write a gratitude for list

Do reiki/energy work on myself

Compassion Meditation

Grounding meditation - tree with roots

Be the Silent Observer, of my emotions ( and thoughts)

Meditation reflection journal

Affirmation card list

Tarot/Oracle/Angel car readings for deeper insight and new perspective