Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
Love and Little Red Droplets
My advice?
Just skin me alive and watch me fall to the ground.
Caress my bare bones with your thoughtful hands,
Tears of blood remain trails, marking your touch.
Kiss me with your lies.
Bring your lips to mine.
As I open my mouth in response to yours,
Our tongues come to meet, greet and exchange vows.
Blood trickles from my weeping wounds
Past your lips, down your throat
You’re drinking me down
I tremble at your chin.
Tear the secrets out
Plunge deep within.
Rip them out and smear them on canvas
For everyone to see.
What kind of fuckery is this? Yes, I feel sick and twisted that I just wrote this. I do not know what the inspiration is. A desire to not be alone, to re-paint the past, to fucking just get it out
I keep getting these mini flashbacks. They seem to last only a few seconds - but I am right back there, they are so intense and my body just flips out. They are actually WORSE than the longer ones that kind of uncover a lot more of the memory. At least those were less.. intense, but not as graphic? I guess that is the word, less graphic, maybe...
They are of these horrible explicit nasty details better forgotten. Just a glimpse - but enough to know Exactly what I am enduring. And I feel trapped and physically feel crushed and so terrified. My body goes into overdrive, just for those moments - so fast....and then I am left, trying to figure out what to do with this information and just trying to calm myself and feel present.
What DO I do with this shit? I have not even discussed One Fucking memory with my therapist because I am so scared. I can not even Tell her who "he" is. My words just fail. I do not even know how I will tell her a memory...a detail. How can I even admit to myself and say out loud such shameful things?
And the shame that shrouds the other "he"! I can't even admit to myself - I know what happened, I know details, there is a lot missing, but I know, I remember. But I say to myself, " it was only once" ( it wasn't just once), it felt wrong and bad, but it was really acceptable (it was not acceptable) - I was just really sensitive" ( I was abused), I say outright LIES to myself to make it sound and make me wish away what happened. Even in the face of pure FACTS, I bend the truth so it didn't happen - with That one. " Naked wrestling - yeah right. Tell me another good lie, dear self.
I am scared that once I start the baby steps of trying to talk about a memory or when i start talking more about how it made me feel ( tomorrows appointment I'm supposed to try to talk about it in some way) that I will start feeling younger and do that horrible age regression shit - or I will have flashbacks in front of her - or start to Feel the emotions of back then ...and i don't know how to hold them, how to cope with them when they are so intense! I honestly fear for my life. They feel all consuming and i feel it will make me die.
I wish I could take back the email I sent of my impact statement. I feel so vulnerable and triggered that she KNOWS. I mean...no details and I didn't out specific people. But so much of what I hold inside, hide away and fear other people will know, I willingly gave to her and she knows. I guess its both a good and a bad thing. Bad because it triggers the hell out of me - good because this will help her to help me.
Ahhhh! Fuck.
Well, all this hard work and vulnerability and being scared to show my therapist in email - the impact statement. All for nothing! She thinks either I am bat shit crazy or so damn fragile I will break. I give a firm no I'm not, to both of these.
She wrote back and said this:
She thinks we need to shift the focus to feeling/staying emotionally safe ( I knew she thinks im crazy). Then she says, the other focus on getting rid of the negative feelings i have about myself.
okay, yes - those are both great things and yes, i need them both. BUT - she basically just threw back my vulnerable self giving her this personal and shameful stuff about my life and she throws it back at me, telling me not to talk about it and what are we going to do? focus on keeping me emotionally safe.
THIS IS SO FUCKING BECAUSE THE AGE REGRESSION SHIT...and possibly the self harm. I knew she was holding that against me and thinking im nuts! No one would say this shit to someone who is stable in their eyes. Great, she thinks im fragile, crazy And unstable!
How am i even going to TALK to her anymore, knowing this?
Or do i know it? Am I using some sort of fallacy of thought?
she said ty for sharing, then she will keep me emotionally safe as i do this challenging work. Then asked if im using coping skills ( i am) ( she thinks im freaking out and losing my shit). Then she decides to SHIFT THE FOCUS to feel/stay emotionally safe ( what the fuck does that mean?) and getting rid of my negative feelings about myself.
OOOOOH - wait, i get it. I reread the damn email a million times. i think she meant this:
she said i think we should focus now on helping you to feel and to stay emotionally safer. I just wrote a million ways and times over in my impact statement that i do NOT feel emotionally safe - ever or anywhere. Then on getting rid of my negative emotions about myself: again, i wrote her a million negative things about myself. So maybe it is this and not what i first assumed. ( lol, journaling does help).
Today I had my therapy session. I tried to talk to her , out loud, about a specific abuse memory. I have never done it before and sucked and didn't do it - but I tried. She asked me to pick one. How do I pick one? Lol, I even asked her what is the criteria for picking? It so damn overwhelming to think of one except for the BIG ones that really have warped me and fucked me up - but i am NOT ready to discuss those. I tried talking about one like that - but i would have had to tell her a horrendous whole damn night of abuse , plus the morning after - its all one story ...and i just couldn't get it out. and i was afraid she would be bored with me talking so much.
How do i even use out loud words to say disgusting things? Shameful things? Things that give me flashbacks and terror and make me want to curl up and die? And, to be honest, how do I pick one? What is the criteria to chose? And I do not want to sound like I am trying to get pity because I am not ( I hate pity) - but just from one abuser alone, that's eight and a half years of abuse. Which time do I even bring up? Do I bring up very early childhood, childhood? teen years of rapes? Adult assault and rape? I mean I am so damn overwhelmed with so many fucking options! I honestly do not know how to choose!
I do not want a super hard one - nor one that is so little that I don't have much of a reaction to it. I am literally sick to my stomach thinking about this. I am making my aunt dinner right now-but I cant even eat.
I am going to chose one though - I am not letting this opportunity to talk and heal go by the wayside! I will talk out loud, even if my voice quivers and cracks and i cry or scream. It is TIME to speak my truth!
I think I am going to do a post soon, maybe tonight, in this journal...where I practice by written word, what abuse I will talk about and how I will explain it. I will write TW TW TW TW TW TW all over the top of the page - just for an fyi in case anyone is reading it. I do not even know if I can DO that in this journal. Can I? Can I write down, with detail, an abuse memory? well, lol, im going to. I NEED to get this out, i need to figure out how to word this and i will save a copy for me and print it out or save to my phone...and not email her. Because, lol, she caught me when i said ill email it to her in case i cant speak it. But she said, that's missing the whole point, in order to heal - you need to learn to use your voice. Touché! So ill write it here and figure it all out with written word - I might have to scrap a few stories and start again if I am too triggered with what I chose. ahhhh, but what do I choose? I think I know...its a BIG one though - but will be so much less because I am NOT telling her WHO this person is to me. It is of the first time this one abuser....ahhh, i cant even say it. how am i going to talk about it??? I do not know how to even put the words down via typing! The first time one of the abusers....raped me as a child.
ahhhhh - i said it. I feel ...what do i feel?
Physically I feel sick, I want to puke. I feel disassociation is starting. I feel like the world around me is going further and further back and I am retreating further and further in. There is even an odd sensation in my body, especially in my head - like my head is fuzzy.
Okay - grounding time, apparently.
This homework she gave me might be the hardest homework i have ever had to do in my life.
Thank god the dinner I am cooking for my aunt is near ready - gives me time to go think about making her dinner and giving it to her and less about this odd feeling of disappearing.
I also am coming back again tonight to write up about my therapy session today - in particular - she keeps asking me about DID symptoms and assessing me and ... I think she thinks i might have it or doesn't know how the hell i don't have it - she actually said something like that to me today. And I didn't tell her the truth of some of my , " symptoms" because I do not want anything else wrong with me. But secretly, I do wonder and am sort of concerned. I think I need to talk to her about it - but I need to talk to her and get out my memory , first!
Okay - in therapy today we discussed something that is very concerning to me. We were talking about my age regression where I feel, talk and act younger than I am. Then she was talking about the psyche and personality and ways our brain copes with trauma. And she brought up my disassociation, too. She said that very often the mind splits off parts ( DID). Which I only kind of know about - the basics, but not everything - which I need to know more and this is bothering me.
It is bothering me because she said something like she had been assessing me, from the beginning for this. She sees things she is concerned about. But she doesn't think I have it - but then she goes onto say that she is still watching for it and often times, i may have an inkling, or know. So, she questioned me about that. I told her, which is true, that I was concerned about that after the age regressions tuff and I took a test online for it and scored low ( to be honest, I didn't quite understand the questions so I am not sure if I have incorrect assessment ...online, for whatever that's worth.
I DIDN'T tell her the things I personally am concerned about: ( and they not be DID related at all, but I don't know. And I'm scared to tell her because I do not want to have it. And I know, if I do have this, on any space in the continuum , is there a continuum? - not telling her is not going to make me not have it.
This is why I am worried:
I have had very scary moments of not feeling like me - like my ...perspective switched and everything is the same in the room i am in - but my thinking and understanding of who I am and personality and age - are not me. Let me explain, i was REALLY STRUGELING with past trauma ( SA). And I was in my room feeling very weird and like i started feeling not my age and way younger and my room was looking different like I didn't recognize it ...and the scariest part: I was looking at my hands and i was so confused why my hands looked like " big girl hands". I was COMPLELTEY a younger me - my entire understanding of things i thoughts or saw or felt - all younger me. No adult me present - I was faintly aware of this though - me and awareness of it coming from, well, me - now as I am. But there was such a disconnect - like i was somewhere else kind of watching her ( younger me) freak out but still, not my perspective, perspective and mind set was totally younger me. I wonder if that is like DID symptoms? I don't even know.
And as a kid i used to have these invisible friends - but i wouldn't Talk to them/ play with them, I would Become each one. And they were all separate with different personalities . There was one who "was sick all the time" ( from trauma of my mother being sick all the time and going in and out of the hospital, I'm sure). The one who has " bad" stuff done to her. The one who was angry. The one who was hurt ( physically / physical abuse). And it was really me the whole time - not invisible friends. I worry that that might have been the initial split? But perhaps I overcame and integrated since then?
Looking at my life in retrospect and its like, omg - i just assumed they are phases of who I was - trying to figure out who I am by delving into different interests and lifestyles, and they might be - but each " phase" of my life - I had different types of friends, different nicknames, different personality almost, different interests to the point they are SO different from all my " phases", even how I dressed are all extremely different. Things I wore and did and acted like and was - totally nothing like me now...and that goes for all my "phases" I went though. Maybe this is normal?
I don't know. I am scared to have something else wrong with me. But if this is wrong with me - I need to have this addressed. but then I'm sacred she will say, I cant help you. I mean, i feel whole, I feel integrated ..but then there are times and days I don't. I am so scared to tell her this.
I might email her what I just wrote here - about the symptoms - so she can have this info and then she can ask me the pertinent questions to find out if i do have it? I don't think I do - but if I did, would not surprise me. ...And how it's not that I feel I have another identity other than mine in my head - but I do hear this inner dialogue commenting on things I think, do or say. I always assumed it was my inner critic - but im not so sure now. I think she has me paranoid now about this - lol.
More random worries about DID because of the self assessment - hahahaah, this is like WebMD, this is not my friend - hahahha. But - listening to someone talk and then realize they did not hear part or all of what the person has said: omg, all the time when i am triggered this happens. I have the feelings sometimes that nothing is real or I am not real - but again, only when triggered and around SA struggles. Or staring off into space for so long and not realizing I'm doing it. and wtf - why is talking out loud to myself part of this self test? Doesn't everyone talk out loud to themselves? I know I do. And oooh- feeling like in one situation your react one way and then in another react like your a total different person - yeah . That happens. Looking at the world as though it is in a fog - every damn time I am triggered. yup.
And the last big one that concerns me, maybe for naught, is hearing voices in their head that comment on what they are doing. Holy shit - this is SO me. I have tried so hard to stop this but I cant. It is way worse when i am triggered though. I assume it is just either my inner critic or my internalized abuser? But - ahhh, how am I supposed to know? Maybe I really need to tell her. Maybe it is nothing at all. But I guess its best to find out because if it is and I can silence that voice ( I hate this so much) that would be a freaking miracle!
And @mytwistedsoul , I am totally tagging you because I wanted to share about my session with you. Also, you were talking to me about your protector coming out - so I am assuming you know about this stuff? Just wanted to get your personal opinion. I might just be freaking myself out about nothing and there is no worry for concern. But I have a sinking feeling and I have thought about this years before , too. Sorry to have tagged you on such a long and arduous post! Hope your session today went well for you.
* gentle safe hugs*
@blissedNblessed
Bwhahahha, oh god, this post was so long ... i feel this may become a book one day :p
@blissedNblessed
well, fuck. I did it. I emailed my therapist basically what I wrote in this post - my symptoms - all of them. Just in case. I really don't think i have anything like that wrong with me like that, but honestly, i do not know so i would rather have her know and then have her let me know . I have Never voiced ANY of this before nor told a soul. I am SO worried she will say that she cant help me anymore because of this. But I think she's just going to say they are trauma reactions and there is nothing wrong with me in this arena? I honestly have no clue. I am sacred I sent this to her. I am worried she will want to talk to my psychiatrist or send me away and I will get no help and its back to trying to deal with ALL of this SHIT on my own. Forever alone. I wish I could take that email back - i am so scared. I cant heal and process alone.
And I am Not doing my sexual abuse journaling tonight ...lol, unless I do. I Finally have alone time tonight to just write to my hearts content ( I have been all night filling up my journal, getting thigs out and trying to make sense of everything. I know I Have to do it, for homework for Monday's session. I am just feeling a bit tapped out. But I also want to take advantage of this private time I have at the computer. Who the fuck knows.
@blissedNblessed DID is kind of like everything else and kind of goes on a spectrum. There's subtypes to it. OSDD1 is similar to DID but doesn't meet all the requirements. And then there's OSDD1a and OSDD1b. For full DID there needs to be amnesia and two or more distinct parts. They are they're own people. Independent sense of self and history. They have their own names - genders. I have 13 so far - which I thought was bad enough but some people have alot more. With their own names - likes and dislikes. We look different and sound different from each other. Then there's persecutors. We have one who's called the Red Queen. I haven't been able to get much done with her and she won't talk to the therapist still. She tells him to fuck off and doesn't think he's needed. She is a major trouble maker and seems to enjoy upsetting everyone. She influences alot of things sometimes and causes alot of SH. That might explain your angry inner critic alittle? It might explain too why you're having trouble talking about things. If you have other parts holding you back. It gets kind of confusing in the subtypes because some people can have very distinct parts but never switch or but then other people don't. But every system is different. Some people have gate keepers that help prevent switching and watch who fronts. Some parts have different skills than me and know things I don't. I have one that can cook like crazy but I heat hot dogs in the microwave lol
Reading what you wrote made me think of this article I read a while back they said - For individuals with OSDD-1a, dissociated parts are more likely to present as the same individual at different ages, as the same individual in different modes, or as different versions of the same individual. The individual may go by the same name regardless of which part is present, and each part may view itself as the main part. However, parts may still have different skills, emotional reactivity, or ways of interacting with the world. Additionally, because these parts lack full awareness of each other and each others’ activities, they may express themselves in highly contradictory ways. For example, someone with OSDD-1a may have a work self, a family self, a 5 year old self, and an angry self in addition to several parts that hold trauma memories. The work self may fully believe that work always needs to come first while the family self always prioritizes family, and these parts may become confused or agitated when others point out inconsistencies in their behavior or stated beliefs. Found here -https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd
But - of course there's a but to it - the zoning out sounds like dissociation. Then there's depersonalization and derealization. Depersonalization is when you feel detached from yourself. Like an outside observer. Derealization is when you're detached from your surroundings
I know all this stuff happening has to freak you out. I mean it's scary but if you have others - they need healing too and without it you can't heal fully. Hopefully your therapist is open to DID - some don't believe in it at all. If you check out that link in here it explains alot about the depersonalization and derealization too. Plus there's some good information on cups too. And you could check out the DID chat they have here on Wed. At noon. We go to those - they're not as triggering as the SA chats can be and some of the people know and understand alot more then I do. Because I'm still kind of dumb and learning about it myself. Tbh - I didn't believe it for the longest time. I was in denial. I wanted something that could be fixed with meds or just wanted to just be crazy. I didn't want all these people in my head but now - getting to know them - trying to build trust with them it explains alot and I can't deny it anymore. It's unfair to them and there can't be much healing done other wise. But since coming here I've found I'm not the only one and it's helped me accept things better. You'll do alot of reading - ugh right? I'm sure I missed alot of things in reply to you but we can allways talk about it more - its alot to take in all at once. And then sometimes its like - ok I got it! Wait a minute lol - what about this or that? Sometimes there's more questions than answers
*leaving you safe gentle hugs* you're not alone ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for all this info!! I tried to research but just got confused or overwhelmed - this really helped. I am going to have to go back and read this , probably a few times, to take it all in. I think I will check out that Wednesday chat group room on DID.
Yes, my therapist is a believer in DID - she said she has seen it many times because her focus is trauma work. She is actually a phycologist, not a therapist or social worker, so I lucked out there. I do feel very blissed and blessed to have found her. I do trust her ( and at the same time, I am always worried she will leave and I wont be able to heal).
She actually emailed me back today! She read my email and did tell me that she doesn't think that I do have it but she is not dropping assessing me for it. Why the hell did she bring it up then? ahhh - its all too much sometimes. Maybe to see if im aware of having symptoms? I don't know. But I relate to so much about it - so sometimes I do wonder - or maybe its more dissociation I am doing. She said that if I were to split it would have been around the time I wrote about with me as a kid with "invisible friends" but becoming them and each with their distinct facets of me.
I know there was so much more I was going to talk about or ask...but my brain is not working today. I took my allotment of anxiety meds already, but all at once and I feel kinda knocked out and kinda still anxious. Kinda just not even here. I think I just hit my limit today and exceeded it.
I hate myself for emailing her - that was so fucking stupid of me. Why did I think that was a good thing to do or even necessary? There is no way that is what is wrong with me - what the hell was i thinking? I just made the biggest ass out of myself. Now during our next session it will be totally filled with pointless questions about a disorder I do not even have! ugh!
I hope there is still time in our crazy session for me to talk about the memory. I did pick one out and started journaling about it ( not on here). I got the intro done yesterday but had to stop when it started getting real and started getting horrible and uncomfy and shameful.
I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! Why did i email her that? i am so stupid.
@blissedNblessed
I can't DO this! I can't write the abuse story to share with my therapist. I can't. I cant even form words and sentences that admit what happened let alone read such shame and filth out loud to her. I might as well confess to a murder ( lol, I didnt murder anyone) - it would be better than confessing that this happened.
I mean, how - how can i tell her? i cant even WRITE IT. I was such a bad ass until it got to the point i had to write something real about the ugly bad gross stuff. and i just cant. i literally cant write it down. and hw can i read this to her - out loud - which is way worse if i cant even write it. writing makes it too real. makes me sick. reading it will kill me. death by truth.
Maybe i should do it, and just die. and then everything will be over and i no longer have to always fight, fight for a chance at a better life. Fuck it. fuck me. i hate myself so much. im a misreable failure. im a lazy bitch. everyone hates me.
@blissedNblessed *sitting with you* its ok - you're ok - take a few deep breaths. Take sometime to calm yourself. You can't force it - it takes time - there's that time thing again But not really does and somethings we need to bring into the light gently no amount of forcing it will do it. Maybe you could try to write a sentence and walk away for alittle and she'll understand If you can't do this right at this moment. You're trying to share secrets you've had and kept for along long time
*sending you strength*
@mytwistedsoul
thank you for your support with this. i am just so scare that i will never heal. i spent my life running from this and i just want to do the opposite thing and write it and speak my truth and heal. and i want it all now. but my brain and emotions just wont follow my orders.
i keep plugging away. Like you said, sentence by sentence. thats kind of what i have been doing. this whole damn day is a clusterfuck.
i have so much to say but my soul feels too empty to talk. and anxiety is ebbing and flowing and im afraid im going to get sucked in the undertow. yet still here i go, trying to keep plugging away at each sentence.
but theres not way i can read it. unless i do. ill probs start and flip out and cry and lose my shit and not be able to finish. fuck my life.
I wrote it. I finished it. I have read it.
It was one of the hardest writings i have ever done.
im so proud its done but i feel so...all over the place. so very not in a healthy mindset. I can not even describe it.
I know i will not be able to read this. she says i need to voice this to heal. i will try because i need to heal, enough is enough. maybe she will be okay with me reading it, a tiny portion, each session.
im too exhausted to really journal tonight, or even reply much . I want to curl up in bed right now with a big stuffie and hide.
i feel so much shame, suffocating shame. shame that crawls into the back of my throat and refuses to let me breathe. how can i read such shameful things, out loud, to another. admit these things.
and she will know, without any doubt, Exactly who this person is that abused me in this memory i wrote up. and i know she will know. i know she wont say anything bc i already asked her not to, but i know that she knows - and that is such a sickening feeling. i want to throw up.
@blissedNblessed I'm so very proud of you! The courage and strength you showed writing this is amazing. You were very brave. I hope you know this. Perhaps for tonight you can do some serious self care and treat yourself to something special?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you! Thank you for pointing out that I am strong - I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for...I guess there is no real choice though , but to be strong. Because we are the ones that have to pick up the pieces and muddle through the aftermath.
I am almost embarrassed about how I was feeling, what I was saying and how out of control everything was yesterday. Do you get days like this too? Where all you can really do is just try to survive the day? At least even though there are days like that - there are days that are better. That do not feel like drowning.
I hate to belabor a moot point but I AM still scared about reading it. Maybe I should try reading it out loud to myself. Maybe a hundred times over until the words no longer have meaning and they are just a collection of sounds and breath. Maybe read just a few sentences each session until I am done - I do not even know.
Where you this scared when you first told your therapist about your abuse? What were the fears that you had/have running in your head? What did you do to get over them? How did you first talk about it? What happened when you did? How did you feel right after...hours after...and at night?
* offers you great big safe hugs *
@blissedNblessed You!re welcome! :)
You're absolutely right. They made this mess and we have to clean it up. It's not fair and its absolutely not fair
Oh yeah - there's days when it takes all I have to just breath and keep from drowning. I spend all day just grounding or trying to and not freak out. Days when you just want to sit in a corner and try and hold it all together
I was terrified and embarrassed. I just - I - figured he would be like them. See the bad me. That he would say I deserved it - but he didn't. If you can only say just one word each session - you're still making progress
If I'm honest - I felt - everything and nothing all at once. It was a relief but there was fear - anger -disgust - disbelief. I told a secret to someone - and it was Ok. It was ok that I told because noone could hurt us again - not like that. There was SH that night though - so please keep yourself safe in that way - as best you can - I know it happens sometimes and we don't know or are aware of it happening
Thank you for the safe hugs :) sending some back!
@mytwistedsoul
It sounds bitter sweet - telling your therapist for the first time. Totally makes sense. Expecting him to be like the rest, and see you as bad. I didn't eve think about the at home aftermath part before. Thanks for the heads up about the self harm. I struggle with that. And the last time I did that I wasn't aware I did it - just happened in a flash.
I am not sure exactly how to keep myself safe tomorrow after the session. I mean, I Will be safe - I guess I will have to maybe keep out a coping skill list, keep that frozen orange ready ( and prepare to not throw it, lol).
I'm kind of nervous about the aftermath of it now. I do not want to worry So much about it because then if I am fine, I will feel so stupid, lol. But - its usually the night of or the very next day after a session where I fall apart - and this will be a big one. . . I just hope i can read the damn thing.
So, I kind of feel like I am going, blah blah blah word vomit on you about me, me me. What's going on with you? Are you okay? Are you struggling or need support??? :)
@blissedNblessed I'm sending you strength right now. Maybe after your appointment you can write here or a private journal or even take a shower. Sometimes after telling things or talking about them - I feel unclean. Just remember - you are awesome and strong. There are people who care about you and we're with you
Feel free to throw all the fruit you want - beat up your pillows - scream into them - what ever it takes - tag me - tag magic - tag Lili * sorry for volunteering everyone lol* we're here for you
*leaving a safe gentle hug*
@mytwistedsoul
I will add, taking a shower, to my coping skills list. In fact, I should write my coping skills list right here, so I do not forget them!
How I wish I could throw that frozen orange, throw it a thousand times over.
Thank you for offering to listen to me about my session. I will let you know how it goes...and hehehe, i probably will end up reaching you near begging, tagging everyone...or maybe not, maybe I will be okay. Its kind of like a game show at this point - I have no clue what is behind door number 2!
I for sure will be journaling about the session - I'm more worried i think about tomorrow - my MO is to lose my shit the next day. But I have this feeling, I will be okay - it will feel so good to be heard and believed and validated.
Yet - I doubt that because I can not even function when I see the compassion on her face when I talk with her - I feel it in my gut. And I turn away and shut down because I don't feel i deserve the compassion and i just don't know what to do with it because I have never had that - people have just always blamed me being a bad person for everything.
I am trying to stay calm and not let my mind wander. I practiced reading it aloud a few times( okay, a few hundred times) and I Can't do it - still after all the practice - and it will be so much more real when she is listening. But I am letting go of the expected outcome or my reaction because it can be anything and i can't prepare for that, other than figuring out coping skills. . . ones that would actually work :/
@blissedNblessed Omg yes! I'm the same with compassion for others. I feel I have alot of compassion for others - I can literally feel their pain but compassion for me? No - none. When I receive it here - I feel - guilty and think - you don't know me - you don't know the horrible wicked person I am. To see it on our therapists face - ugh - Can you please just - not
The next day - yeah - I hear you there. I think maybe it's because we go numb? Kind of like the dentist and novacaine - once the numbness wears off - the pain creeps in and you can see it heading towards the danger zone but you have no idea how to stop it and it seems to simmer over night and hits all at once
No begging needed ok? If all you can do it tag and post a blank - I'll know what you mean and I can write and we can take it from there ok? Its supposed to be frigid here tomorrow so I'll probably just tool around on the computer :) but no pressure either. I know sometimes too we just want and need to hide and be alone because we have no words or the ones we have make no sense
That's a good way to do it - no expectations - no matter what happens you're doing the best you can
@mytwistedsoul
Oh yes! That extreme compassion for others but then the exact opposite for ourselves! I felt that today in therapy. Listening to the compassion in her voice, the faces that she was making, - it was Painful, Threatening. I wanted to accept that compassion, that kindness, that safe space and curl up in a ball and cry and cry - I did not. I felt I did not deserve that - not after all I have done. So I stuffed her words down, refused to look at her face, made her turn her head so she was not looking at me. I was so afraid to - be in that moment of compassion. I would not even let any emotion be displayed on my face. Thank you for voicing this - this is something that I thought i was alone with - or at least, just didn't have the words to describe.
Yes - after the numbness, the PAIN creeps in, so insidiously. Slow and powerful at first, then like a train at full throttle! No time to get my bearings or plan or process - like going from numb to crazy in 60 seconds. That is so me now.
I am numb. I know the emotions and pain are coming. I usually don't lose my shit and nothing creeps in full throttle until the night of my session or the next day. But I also didn't process what I spoke. I didn't even Allow her words of comfort in. I honestly have no clue what she was really saying for most of the session...but....
I DID IT! I SPOKE MY TRUTH. I READ THE ENTIRE MEMORY!
It was so hard, to breathe life into it - with my words aloud. But nothing seems real yet. And I didn't say who it was - name the relation to me. She knew, I knew she knew, she knew that I knew. It went unspoken. Which was helpful - but I didn't get full … therapeutic effect. She left it open to what we will discuss next session, and I have decided:
I am going to address WHO that person was that did what he did in the memory I spoke. This is huge. This feels like it threatens my very sanity, my very existence. I am going to let her use that relational name, too. I know I need to hear it, to associate the memory With That. To Accept this as something that happened and figure out, how ( i am sure not all in one session) I am going to even talk to him or have him in my life - right now and for weeks I have just not been returning his calls. I have been in total avoidance mode.
I think I am going to write maybe, in here , about...idk, all of that...maybe. I know I need to. But I do not know if I can - without serious bad reactions. Or maybe there won't be - maybe I am just afraid of feeling the feelings. No, its more than that - lol - it will screw up my entire world. But still, something I have to do - if I am to accept, feel and move forward with a different perspective.
But yay - I did it. And I feel fine. FINE: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional , F.I.N.E. - lol!
@blissedNblessed I am so proud of you! It's ok to not get the full therapeutic effect. I mean I know it's what you're aiming for but it comes in stages. This was something enormous you shared with her today - its ok that you numbed yourself - even dissociated - it is for safety like you said. Allow yourself and your mind to get used to the idea of sharing this. Kind of think of therapy as a marathon and not a Sprint - all though we just want to reach the end
Maybe make yourself something light to eat - even if you don't feel hungry. Even if it's just some toast. You had a very stressful day and you need to take care of yourself. Maybe a cup of tea? Plus if your anything like me - you won't think about eating tomorrow. Maybe take a few puffs and try to rest if you can
Tbh - I see nothing wrong with not returning any calls right now. It would probably add to any feelings of guilt. You didn't do anything wrong ok? Not now and not then. The people who hurt you did wrong - none of this is your fault but I know how hard it is to believe that. I do it all the time myself - somethings are inexcusable but it's their actions that are inexcusable - not yours - you were innocent
I know that feeling well - wanting to be comforted - shown kindness - to curl up and bawl. To cry for what was and what can never be - but I'm so afraid that if I start I'll never be able to stop. All the hurt - the pain - the betrayal will pour out unchecked and I just cant stop and I will drown
Oh yeah - 0-60 in 2.3 seconds. Cruising along thinking I got this - and then I don't
You did it Bliss - you were so brave! True warrior spirit
*leave you a box of safe gentle hugs*
I am feeling someway about something right now. I say someway because I am not quite sure what I am feeling: angry, irritable, happy, relived?
I was diagnosed as bipolar over ten years ago. It seemed to fit - or close to fit and nothing else did. And so my identity came to include , being bipolar and all that goes along with it. It is even in my medical charts. I took medication for years - over ten years!
Well, about a little over a year ago, the meds started making me sick. I would puke them right up - not on purpose. So, I slowly started not taking them. Then it became instead of two times a day, once a day...then down to none at all. My physiatrist knows this. But here is the kicker:
It has been over a year with NO bipolar medication. And I have NOT had one bipolar episode or even symptoms - not one.
So, I tell my shrink this. You know what he says? Well, as you get older it tends to get better - and then later he goes on to say, well - maybe your brain chemistry sorted itself out. Bipolar brain chemistry does not just go away or sort itself out, does it? I have NEVER heard of that.
I do not think I Was ever bipolar. And I was forced to take...not forced, I was told to take bipolar meds for like ten years - ten years of my life on poison that my brain and body didn't need. My own shrink who diagnosed me doesn't even think I am bipolar, " anymore".
Well, shit. I think I do know why I was diagnosed as that - and it's my fault for not talking. I have been researching cptsd in detail. ( I am diagnosed ptsd - i am not sure but i do not think cptsd is a diagnosis yet? DSM wise? Someone correct me if I am wrong). I hope it is not because she said im ptsd but cptsd defines my life . I am reading and reading about it and i was just bawling because it describes me to a T. And gives so much sense and meaning and words to things i had no words to describe or thought that is just me - im weird.
All of my bipolar symptoms, all of the borderline symptoms ( I was also diagnosed as borderline too! And no longer fit the criteria) - omg, they are CPTSD. ALL of them. I want to just cry, I really do. Part relief and part so much sadness that no one caught this. And because I could not verbalize what happened and all the ways it effected me - and so i was misdiagnosed. My whole life feels like it has been one trauma reaction after another.
I do feel this wellspring of sadness and sorrow that is slowly starting to build. And I am not sure why...let me check in: If I had only told. I could have gotten help sooner. I would not have had to go through all the extra hell I did. I could have been in therapy for the trauma and cptsd instead of posisioning my body with medication it didn't need. If I would have gotten the correct treatment - I would not have been so suicidal throughout my life - so much self harm. So much . Not just ( TW): slashing my skin and bleeding as much as I can but self harm in every way, in all ways.
So here I sit, looking at my medications: something for depression, something for anxiety...I wonder if I need these too are these more posions for a diagnosis that I do not have? Bwhahaha, I know I need help with anxiety and depression - just for right now. I am hoping I will not need to be on depression meds after much healing. Anxiety , maybe...I am also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder - but ahahahha, that could be after effects of trauma, too. So I do not know anything anymore.
But I am kind of angry at these misdiagnosis. But I can't really blame him or anyone because i never opened up and told . So how would they know. Maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe I am just happy I am opening up now. And maybe it will not be so bad to open up in therapy Monday and speak my story aloud.
@blissedNblessed
I have been misdiagnosed with both bipolar and borderline, and no one would have known I was not until I decided to take myself off the medication. They put me on crazy strong mood stabilisers that made me really ill in a different way. It was the anti depressants for me that were making me manic.
Its really common for CPTSD to be diagnosed as both of these disorders, especially because well... there is no easy medication fix for trauma. It requires long term therapy, you can't send us off with a magic pill and fix everything. Bipolar and borderline both have medication paths and they are where people like us often get thrown.
Trauma therapy is not easy, nor is it all that fun. But its a beginning! Though I am sorry it's been so painful to get here, I am glad you have :). I also felt betrayed by medical staff for not noticing, and I still do, and I think thats okay. Its a big thing to get wrong.
@Lilibuth12
Thank You So Much for replying to me!!! I didn't know this was a thing that happened , let alone so frequently: CPTSD being misdiagnosed as Borderline and bipolar! And I have never met anyone else that shared with me that this has happened to them too. I feel so less alone in dealing with this :) And a strength to bring this up to my psychologist. ( Which I am going to do on Monday...ahhh, tomorrow.)
It sucks we don't get a pill to help make this go away. But at the same time, there is hope in that: it means that this was a learned response and it can be unlearned. We can heal. We can take our lives back.
Yes! That feeling of betrayal! Betrayal by my psychiatrist of over ten years, all the medical staffs of all the behavioral health hospitals I ended up in, all the treatments and programs over the various years. Therapists and counselors. All of them.
Something happened today - to the way I think, to my ability to recall memories, to see the TRUTH of the situation and not blame myself for being sexually abused or assaulted or raped as a child, a teenager and adult. It is like I have been wearing blinders that kept me from seeing the truth. And the narratives I told myself about the abuse - that it was okay, or felt bad and wrong but was appropriate, or it wasn't abuse or wasn't rape or it was my fault ...all of those narratives I can SEE though now. They are falling to the floor and there is such a mixed emotional response. My heart is lighter and I feel so free to not wear the burden of shame like a scarlet letter. But such depth of sadness too, for all the blame I put onto me that was not mine to hold. Such sorrow for all I have been through because it has been a lifetime of this. I just never saw it for what it was. I see it now.
I want to cry and hold my little self in my hands and heal her. I want to tell my entire being I am so sorry for blaming myself. For hurting myself in response to being hurt. For feeling the shame and guilt of each and every action against me and believing those feelings were what I felt about myself. ( I go back and forth with this - I'm innocent, I am to blame, it's not my fault, I shouldn't have done this or gone there, I had no power, I should have fought more, I couldn't tell , I should have told). Such great sadness for what I feel is wasted life turned in on myself.
I hope this sense of relief and finally letting go of my burden of blame stays with me. I am writing this so I never forget what I have realized. Even if my mind goes back to self hate - I have proof - here - that I did, for however long this lasts, released myself from unwarranted blame and place the fault squarely on my perpetrators. This happened. All this abuse happened. And it is not my fault. It is okay to talk about it because I didn't do anything wrong - this shame is NOT mine. I fucking give it back to those who deserve it.
Dear blissedNblessed,
In case you are freaking out after your session, here is a list of coping skills to try. Try them all if you have to - at least one of them should work!
Deep breathing
MIRA grounding app
Read or listen to something intellectually stimulating - focus on learning and understanding
Use 7 cups - journal, reach out, vent, express - get it out! You will be supported and understood.
Meditation
Smoke some weed for that emotional buffer
Hold something that reminds you of the Present moment - No stuffies!
Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Write poetry to get your feelings out
Reach out to therapist , if necessary
Look in my space to find things that remind me of the present moment ( use all senses)
Asking myself if what I am thinking is what is actually going on - check the reality vs. the narrative
Reading
Thought replacement
Creating art in some form - just to express feelings, not perfection
Mindfulness
Use self-love instead of self-harm
Allow myself to feel upset but for a set amount of time
Focusing on what I want to achieve and ask myself if what I'm doing now is helping to achieve that
Pampering myself with spa time at home
Acknowledging that I can feel afraid yet still act
Use anxiety meds if necessary
Listen to uplifting or soothing music
Do an empowering act for myself
Stand up for myself
Ponder my skills and strengths
Look at my coping skills list
Delve into learning something new
Listen to opera - renews passions for life
Write a gratitude for list
Do reiki/energy work on myself
Compassion Meditation
Grounding meditation - tree with roots
Be the Silent Observer, of my emotions ( and thoughts)
Meditation reflection journal
Affirmation card list
Tarot/Oracle/Angel car readings for deeper insight and new perspective