My trauma? Idk
Hi everyone
I don't feel safe enough to share the whole story in here and I don't know when will that happen. I'm scared and worried.. I'm sorry
If I'm too bad or rude or anything with you I apologize.. I know that everyone hates me..
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade, never feel under any pressure to share anything. You only need to ever say what you feel comfortable with saying. No one here hates you. But its sad that perhaps you may hate you???
@dancingRainbow45
yes I do hate myself. I'm not even a person to get loved and cared. Well my trust issues are not allowing me to share anything
@sensitiveShade5337 It can be so hard when you have gone through trauma to feel good about yourself in any way. Trauma often robs someone of their self esteem, their self confidence and their self worth. Trauma, particularly abuse leaves such a devastating impact on a persons life and its a challenge to find anything to feel good about yourself. What do you think others would say about you, perhaps a good friend? Do you have a skill or a talent your good at? Self worth and self esteem can be rebuild but it can take time and often when someone feels able to begin to work on their trauma issues, they often find in time, that how they feel about themselves changes over time. You dont have to share anything until you want to and no one will force you to do that either, because trauma is often about loss of power and loss of control and its so important that you feel a sense of control now, over the choices that you make, which have to feel right for you
@dancingRainbow45
Nope I'm not good at anything I don't even have a talent. Idk what my friends think about me, maybe that I'm a good person usually happy and silly. I still feel scared in here and I'm sorry about that.. maybe I shouldn't be here.. idk I feel guilty for what happened to me
@sensitiveShade5337
It's okay. You don't have to share anything you don't want to. Just hang around for a bit first. Maybe use the daily check ins, or even just have a look at them. If and/or when you get comfortable sharing anything, you are more than welcome to. We won't judge you. You don't have to believe me right now, but I promise there's no judgment here ❤️
@sensitiveShade5337
Welcome to the diary thread :)
As others have said, this is your space to share as much or as little as you wish. As you can see from the responses you've had, there's no hate towards you, only caring and compassion. It's a big step to even start a thread like this, and you've taken it. Remember you're completely anonymous here, none of us know you in real life, so you really can share whatever you wish without anyone in your life outside 7 cups knowing. I hope that's freeing, and allows you to say what may have been unsayable for you up to now.
One of my favourite sayings, but one I truly believe is:
it's often the things we least want to talk about that we most need to say
So please, you're safe here, we're here, share whatever you feel you wish to, without pressure.
@DeborahUK spot on
I'm sorry I really am.. I just don't feel ready yet to say anything.. I'm so scared and feel like my story is nothing in front of others. I feel so much inferior from all of you guys and I won't lie I tried to fit in in a way but knowing that everyone hates me just makes feel worse. I know I can't be likeable to everyone but I'm in need of people that care about me I have missed that.. I'm afraid that I will lose people I'm afraid I'll be rejected.. I feel like I deserve to feel pain and when I can't punish myself I have to make others to do it for me. I confused you all I know that but as complicated as it looks now, they are just like that on my head too. I'm horrible and I will never be that person I was before. I hide all my emotions and all the pain and what I show is my anger cause that is mu defense. I'm sorry everyone..
@sensitiveShade5337
You have nothing to be sorry for. We will never reject you here. You don't deserve to live in pain. This is a safe place. We all have different stories. Our lives have all taken very different paths. Pain, emotional and physical, is subjective to the person feeling it. We don't get to decide if you're in pain, so no one's pain is inferior to anyone else's. You said you'll never be that person you were before. Before what, Shade? What happened that hurt you so much?
@BeeLeigh
My trauma has two parts I think. The first has to do with my family and especially my mom and then there's the other part that has to do with me and all the trouble I got in. I'm crying so much now thinking all of the incidents. I was just a little shy girl without knowing that life would be so hard and mean, without knowing that I'll be in this position I am now. I will never forget my suicide attempt that sometimes makes me think that I should have ended everything. Everyday is a new day full of challenges everyday I fight with myself and for my dreams without even showing that to people. I think I just did a little step of opening up..
@sensitiveShade5337
That wasn't just a little step, that was a huge step! I'm so proud of you for trusting even that small amount. You certainly wouldn't be the first person here with a problem parent. You mentioned your mom specifically. Do you think it would be easier to talk about that? Or do you think you might want to go a bit more into what "the incidents" were? You don't have to cry. It's okay. You're safe here. I promise 
@BeeLeigh
Im not sure the incidents makes me sad i don't think I can tell them yet.. look I was never abused. I was a bit naughty..
@sensitiveShade5337
It's okay. ❤️
@sensitiveShade5337
I don't want to make any assumptions, so I'll refrain from really saying anything until you're ready to elaborate a bit on what it is you're referring to as "incidents". Please just know we're here for you, and trauma can happen in many ways, not just abuse ❤️
@BeeLeigh
uuuggghhh I don't care I won't say anything.. I'm so angry now.. just leave it. You are more than welcome to block me and call me names i don't care
@sensitiveShade5337
I won't block you or call you names, but I don't understand why you're angry. My apologies to you if I said something wrong.
@BeeLeigh
You didn't do anything
My anger comes from the emotions I have so it's my fault. I'm sorry
@sensitiveShade5337
You don't have to apologize. I promise. Share what you want, don't share what you don't want. It's all up to you. Just lurk in the background and see what the rest of us post for a bit if you want. It's up to you :)
@BeeLeigh
i didn't say something I didn't want to I said what I felt to and I don't regret it
@sensitiveShade5337
My remark was intended for any future posts of yours. My apologies if that wasn't clear. I'm just saying that you can share as much or as little as you want here, and no one will push you to say anything you don't want to. It's safe here :)
@sensitiveShade5337 I'm proud of you, and thank you for sharing that bit of info! Take it piece by piece - you don't have to try to figure out everything at once. As recently as 2 weeks ago I reached out to several friends that say they love me to ask them why... and I let them know I needed to hear that from them because I couldn't see what they saw in me. And I let my friends and family I trust know that right now, I needed them to love on me through their words and actions. So it's okay to say what you need. And it's okay to say what you don't think you need. And it's okay if you don't know what you need to 🙂
@sensitiveShade5337
It can be hard opening up and building trust in others. You are doing a great job at trying to work on it.
@sensitiveShade5337
Please don't be sorry Shade. You are valued in this community and you're deserving of being heard. Even if all you want to do is say hi, I like being able to say hi back to you. As was posted before by other members, you are safe here and that means that you have full choice and are you are in control of anything you do or don't want to share.
When and if you do decide to share more later, your story is just as valid, just as important and you matter just as much as everyone here.
Take care,
Mary
@sensitiveShade5337
You shared your feelings and your feelings are always valid and OK. No need to apologize for sharing. Wanting indepenence is a normal and healthy feeling. Sorry you are feel controlled. I hear you say you regret saying something to people and you're feeling guily and unlovable because of it. Saying things you regret is a behavior that in no way diminishes the fact that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
I feel empty inside idk what's going on with me.. I will just embarrass myself again here. I feel lonely and I want to start crying.. I don't want to be like that anymore.. it's so hard fighting. People around me never understand how hard it is and I'm still there trying to keep living.. I have thought so many times of giving up but there's always hope to keep me going. I'll never be able to say my trauma in here cause I feel so embarrassed of myself and it's my fault for what happened to me. I'll never stop being guilty of my actions.
you know it's another hard and challenging day, today, for me.
@sensitiveShade5337
You never know, Shade. Someone recently helped me to stop feeling guilty about something I did a little over 7yrs ago. Anything's possible! 😊
@BeeLeigh
I dont think I will ever stop feeling guilty.. :/
Why I have to be so useless? I'm so angry.. I know I'm talking to myself now.. my frustration becomes anger. I hate me so much and you know what I just punished myself cause that's what I deserve. Yes pain and being treated like nothing...that's what I deserve. I don't give a f for myself I'm a useless and worthless thing in the world. Yes and you know what else anger may not make me stronger but it hides everything and that's better than showing what I feel. It's always bad thing to show what I feel. I wish I that attempt had ended everything cause I make this world horrible.
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way towards yourself. Can I just say it's Not True? Please try to just let a little bit of this message in: You are not worthy of this pain and anger you pour out on yourself. It's okay to struggle - we all do. But please try to believe you are not a bad person. You deserve love. From yourself and others.
But let it out here and please don't hurt yourself. 💜
@themainjane
I know I'm a good person but there's always something on my head that says otherwise. You know what I mean? It's so hard fighting with my thoughts and I'm really struggling with that.. I hate everything that is happening to me. I just want to talk say everything out loud but it's just so hard.. if people could just understand and be me for a minute.. I'm sorry for what I feel and the way I'm expressing that. I don't mean to hurt people..
@sensitiveShade5337 Stay strong Shade.You arent what you tell yourself to be. Bring a little bit of compassion to yourself that you show to others. Bring it in for yourself too. See yourself as a third person to whom you want to show care and compassion towards. You are not at all useless and see how much worthy are you. You are just awesome. Remember that Shade,
@sensitiveShade5337
Yes, I do think I know what you mean. It's a difficult place to be - to be fighting yourself for the right to be who you need to be, get the help you want and yet part of you won't let you, says it's wrong.
Dont do what I did and not look for help for so long and let it just drag on and get worse. You can do this. You can battle the negative self-talk. You have started by speaking here and when you are ready maybe you can seek even more resources like a counselor either on 7 cups or where you live, etc. You deserve to be heard and you deserve to heal.
I'm scared, anxious and angry 😭😡😭
@sensitiveShade5337
You can join me, @melliotm, @TreesandWine, and @KatieMoon1 in the fort over in today's check in if you want. Katie brought cookies and lemonade. :)
@BeeLeigh
a bit shy and scared
Idk how I will do that but I wanna talk.. there's so much pain for everything that have happened. The story is confusing and complicated..
Some incidents with my family and especially my mum happened. (she wasn't abusive) I was naughty so it's my fault.. i don't want to say details cause they are hurting.. I grew up knowing that every kid in my age is going through the same as me. I started getting bullied when I was 12 till the age of 15 from my classmates at school. I get it I'm ugly and fat and my opinion doesn't exist. I was afraid to be free to express myself bc I knew I would be judged. While that was happening I started feeling alone and trying to get people to care about me on social media that was my escape. I made some great friends that I still have by being me not searching for care and love. Then I went to senior high school I started growing up. My house was full of screams and anger. But I was strong I wasn't getting anything out I was keeping everything for myself. The first year as a senior was a great one! The summer after finishing the first year I started talking to a line that costed me a lot. I was just trying to have someone to trust and say what's in my mind and what I'm feeling but that relationship ended. I even got in trouble with police 2 times. The first because I run way from home (I was 16) and the second because I told them that I want to harm myself because I couldn't live knowing that's it's fault for what was happening to me. My family at first didn't know anything but when I started getting in trouble more pschycologists and social workers from the line were calling my mum. My behavior had changed a lot and I was so angry because I trusted them and everything was revealed, as they said for my safety. My communication with the line were for 2 years. Those 2 years traumatized me really and whenever I remember every incident I feel the same as I was feeling when it was happening. I learnt I have depression on October 2016 and it shocked me.. I knew nothing from mental illness. I started searching and everything I was reading it was another shock. I'm now exploring myself more and through that I get to learn things I don't know about me. I can't help what I feel for myself now but I can fight and stay strong. I'm doing little steps and slowly progressing.
To be continued... I guess
PS that was hard for me to post in here and getting people to know. I'm still scared for the reactions that is going to have and I'm hoping that I won't get judged..I've been crying the whole time I was writing this.. I'm really sorry for what I'm feeling and the way I'm expressing it.
@sensitiveShade5337
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade, thank you for finding the strength and courage to have shared all that you have. That was a big step for you. I wonder how it feels to know you were able to make this step of sharing given all the fears and worries you had?
No child, no matter how naughty they are, ever deserves to be hurt. Children are children and all children are naughty at times, but no child ever deserves to be abused because of that. You mentioned other kids were going through what you were - Did you know that at the time? How did that feel for you, to know not only were you not the only one it was happening to, but other children too were going through what you were ? Being bullied is no fun either, but sadly its something a lot of children experience, whether this be at home, at school or at a club. But bullies often try and hurt others to make themselves feel better, and if a child gets bullied, it doesnt mean theres anything wrong with them, its not their fault.
You said about your mum, and how there were screams and anger in the house?
It must have felt hard to feel people you tried to trust let you down? It sounds as well that online friendships may feel safer for you? You said you were able to make friends online, is this something that you still do, or are you able to begin to make friends in day to day life?
Thank you for sharing what you did. You said nothing wrong and only have admiration for you beginning to feel safe enough to try and share what matters to you 
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you! You and all the people that were replying me played a big role to make me share almost all the things that have happened. It feels good bc I had a breakdown while was writing all these so i felt better after posting that and knowing that someone will see it.
Yes i knew some children that were eating the flip flop on their butt when they were naughty. Um theres not a specific feeling i was feeling about knowing that but I thought it was something normal and okay to happen.
Um by saying there were screams and anger in my house wasnt only from my parents side but from my big brother too bc he was having his own puberty and everyone pass that stage differently, you know..
I felt frustrated and that i wouldnt be able to trust again. I have friends from primary school and we still hangout and talk but I also have online friends too. I have never met them but we talk a lot and sometimes yes its safer for me. Tho I had an online friend that rejected me and she never spoke to me again for her reasons but it hurted me.
Thank you again <3
Not quite sure how I shared all these and I guess I'm brave? Idk but that was hard to do..
I feel like hiding a lot now.. I'm so embarrassed of myself..
@sensitiveShade5337
Don't be embarrassed. You did a good thing❤️
@BeeLeigh
did i? I'm not sure
@sensitiveShade5337
You opened up a little, which can only serve to help you psychologically. So, yes, you did a good thing :)
@BeeLeigh
so thats one of the few good things I have done in here
@sensitiveShade5337
Well, you haven't done anything "bad" in here, so I think you're doing pretty good :)
@BeeLeigh
i have done many bad things in here believe me. 6 months on the adult side and I've been doing bad things in here other than good 😞😭 they will for sure throw me away from here
@sensitiveShade5337
Like what? What do you think is so bad?
@BeeLeigh
hurting people
@sensitiveShade5337
How have you hurt anyone?
@BeeLeigh
with my behavior and by being rude and mean
@sensitiveShade5337
I haven't seen anyone hurt by anything you've done.
@BeeLeigh
there are tho!
@sensitiveShade5337
Who is it that you think you've hurt? And what is it that you think has hurt them?
@BeeLeigh
many listeners and the things I'm saying
@sensitiveShade5337
Unless you directly insult or criticize someone, I really don't think anyone's been hurt.
@BeeLeigh
i dont know but whatever its a past now
I hate what happens..
I still don't get along with my parents and especially my mum. I can't live with that pressure of doing things they way she wants to do them or with they way she demands to do them. I really can't live like that anymore.. I'm tired of being guilty of the things I say and I'm reacting which I know is not nice but I've been telling them how much I don't like doing things I don't want to and especially when they pressure me to. And not only she pressures me to do things but she also gets angry. I feel like she wants to control me all the time. I just want to be independent from them but they just don't understand it. The fact that I have depression and there are suicidal thoughts at times doesn't mean I don't have also feelings doesn't mean it stops me being a human but that's something they don't want to understand. Whether I keep saying what I don't like doing or not she will still try to control me.
i know I shouldn't be talking like that but these are my feelings and I have no other way to express them.
I was hoping I could just control my emotions but its a bit hard to do so in just a few days..
I really really want to talk to somebody..
I feel like crying and Im also scared really scared..
I know things are going to be okay but I just have to say all these in my head cause they dont let me feel better..
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade sorry to hear that controlling your emotions is proving difficult for you right now. Whats happened in the last few days which is making things feel more difficult for you to do this?
Always remember there are lots of listeners here who you can reach out to talk to, some may be more available than others, but you are not alone, there are good people here at 7cups who will do what they can to be there for you when you need.
There is nothing wrong with crying either, crying is actually healthy for the body and mind, but I know a lot of trauma survivors fight against this and have such a hard time allowing themselves to express how they feel but try and find a way to express your tears so that you are not having to hold all this inside you.
was hoping I could just control my emotions but its a bit hard to do so in just a few days..
I really really want to talk to somebody..
What are you scared of?
@dancingRainbow45
um nothing important... it's just the whole thing with my parents I will have to tell you sometime about it..
Im scared of something bad happening to me that's what scares me the most..
i know it's not important
i connected to 1-1 and got really frustrated and angry that ended up talking a bit bad to one of the listeners I connected. I know it was wrong but they asked for personal information and they said that they wouldn't help me if I wasn't giving them the infos they were asking..
I'm trying to talk to people I trust but some are on breaks and some others are busy I don't wanna bother them..
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey shade we can book another one to one if you want but please dont give our personal details and no one should be pressurising you to do that either. If a listener is doing that, then if needed report it but you do not have to say anything you dont wish to. You have the choice now and the control