My trauma? Idk
Hi everyone
I don't feel safe enough to share the whole story in here and I don't know when will that happen. I'm scared and worried.. I'm sorry
If I'm too bad or rude or anything with you I apologize.. I know that everyone hates me..
I really do feel lonely and want to start crying but its hard..
I dont really know how to express all my feelings since i dont understand some of them but anyways
I have confusing thoughts :(
I'm so sad and I just want to start crying..
i dont know why i feel like that.. ugh its so hard managing all my emotions
@sensitiveShade5337 Feel free to message me or another listener Shade. I don't want you to have to feel this way alone. We're here for you. 
@lovelyllama13
i don't want to bother you..
@sensitiveShade5337 you're definitely not a bother
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade, sorry to hear your having a tough time. Try not to bottle your feelings up, and allow yourself to cry if you need to. We all need a good cry now and again and it can help to get out whatever it is your feeling, before you perhaps then turn it into anger??? Do you get mad at yourself for feeling how you do, because if you do, you have no reason to be? You did nothing wrong, and you deserve all the support you can
@dancingRainbow45
yes I do turn it into anger and yes I get angry with myself and then I need to punish myself, that's a whole cycle
@sensitiveShade5337 And that whole cycle leads to you hating yourself even more, beating yourself up and being unhappy, so perhaps the key is to try and break the cycle because surely things cant feel much worse for you
@dancingRainbow45
how am i supposed to break it when i feel like I deserve all these? I dont give a **** about myself
edited by dancingRainbow45 Inappropriate language against community guidelines
@sensitiveShade5337
i thought that would get censored o.o
@sensitiveShade5337 I guess the first step to take in breaking the cycle is recognising what you do, why you do it and what it makes you feel like and working on your self esteem, self worth because you are just as worthy of support and help as anyone else. Everyone reacts in different ways to trauma but it doesnt make you bad. Okay yes sometimes if you have been angry at someone it may upset them or it may hurt them especially if they are people who just care and want to help you and it can feel rejecting, and thats because people are human but people dont hate you for being angry, and underneath the anger, people can see a very scared and hurt person. But you do deserve all the support you need. Try not to be too harsh on yourself Shade 
@dancingRainbow45
That is so hard to do rainbow..
But people dont forgive me and Im sure most of them hate me.. It doesnt feel worth it does it? Im just so angry with things.. :(
@sensitiveShade5337
Anger is a tough one. It took me a long time to work through that one. But you have a very important resource at your disposal that I didn't at the time. You have us! You have a big ole group of people here who only want to support you! It's okay to feel hurt and angry and frustrated and all those things, but you don't have to let them control you. I know I've said that before, but it's a tough one to take in. It's hard to believe it can be different, but it really, truly can be different Shade. We're here to support you through this ❤️
@sensitiveShade5337 Those who care about you will see beyond the anger, and very often behind anger is fear. and hurt. It is worth it and you have every right to be angry, no one is saying you cant be, but expressing it healthily is the key and no its not easy because perhaps anger and safe expression of anger needs to be learnt so you dont hurt you ultiminately. its a slow process of many lil steps towards a better and happier future for you
@sensitiveShade5337
Because you don't deserve to feel that way. You deserve better. I know it's difficult right now, but it won't always be that way. Some part of you has to believe you deserve better, or you wouldn't be here. I used to reach out online too. And I'm so glad I found this site/app, because it's been so helpful! Sometimes it's nice just to know that you're not alone in the things you feel. Whatever you do, just keep talking. Keep reaching out. You're not alone Shade. We're here with you.
@BeeLeigh
I'm still here I havent got anywhere altough all the things that have happened.. I just have hope that something good will happen to my life cause the last 2 years have been horrible. I dont care much about my chilhood trauma yes it still hurts me but I kind of feel guilty for what happened the last 2 years..
@sensitiveShade5337
Why do you feel guilty for the last two years? What happened that you feel is your fault?
@BeeLeigh
Cause of what happened..
I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions..I'm so angry..
I wish wasnt here then things would be completely different for everyone.. I would hurt nobody and everyone would live peacefully without me hurting them..
Theres nobody I can talk to and I dont want to bother anyone in here..
@sensitiveShade5337
You can talk to me! You're not a bother at all! What's going on Shade? What has you so angry?
@BeeLeigh
I'm basically but it has transformed into anger like all my feelings do..
I had hard times with my mum again..
@sensitiveShade5337
What happened with your mom?
@BeeLeigh
I got angry with her for something little and then she kind of got mad with me..
I really cant get along with her and sometimes its frustrating
@sensitiveShade5337
My personality clashes with my dad's. It was really difficult growing up. How old are you?
@BeeLeigh
I'm 18
@sensitiveShade5337
Will you be moving out any time soon? Like for college or anything? That could give you something to look forward to at least 🤷🏼♀️
@BeeLeigh
No cause I'm so fucking useless.. I didn't pass in any university and I'll have to redo the tests next year that means staying another year with my parents.. I'm such a failure
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm 27 and going into my second year of college, so I don't think you're useless. I barely graduated high school. In fact, I only graduated because of what's called a 504 Plan - which basically means that my crazy low GPA was excused because of a mental disability (also known as being placed in a residential facility for depression/bipolar/borderline personality/I can't remember which one that place diagnosed me with but everyone was different). My life got pretty bad before it got any better, but it *did* get better! I'm sorry you're stuck with your parents for at least another year. I know it can feel really hopeless. I know it can feel like nothing will ever get any better than it is right now. But that's not true. You can ask anyone in trauma. We've all been to hell and back. But there is a light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel. Hell, there's an *end* to the tunnel! Your life won't always be the way it is right now. Keep talking. Keep posting. Don't let yourself get stuck in your head, because that's when all the negativity will take over, and that can become so suffocating so quickly. Talk here. When your mind is taking over with negative thoughts, come on here and say something. Ask us for help. Someone will be there. I promise.
@BeeLeigh
Im sorry to hear that
I feel bad now cause people in here have been through much more than me..
Ive been wanting to talk to someone when I know things are not well but I'm thinking I don't want to bother anyone like I feel unwanted..
@sensitiveShade5337
Our experiences in life are subjective. Much like pain. Have you ever been asked by the doctor how bad your pain is on a scale of 1-10? If you feel like it's a 10, and that's what you say, that's what they'll treat. If you brush it off and say it's a 2 when it's really a 7, then you won't get the care you need and you'll still be in pain. Does that make sense? Don't wait for things to become unbearable before reaching out. Don't wait for it to be a 10 before you ask for help. In here, we don't care if you are a 2, we'll still support you. So talk. Don't bottle things up and keep them hidden. Open the bottle before the pressure builds too much for you to deal with. There's no judgment here. Only love and support. We will cheer you on or help you up, and everything in between. Whatever you need. Just let us know. We'll be around.❤️
@BeeLeigh
okay I'm sorry
I have so many feelings going on at the same time...
@sensitiveShade5337
You have nothing to apologize for hun! Scroll up to the emotion wheel and pick out the words that best fit what you're feeling.
@BeeLeigh
1) I'm angry and sad
2) hurt, frustrated and depressed,lonely
3) embarrassed, - and empty,isolated
@sensitiveShade5337
So let's go through them one at a time. Why are you embarrassed?
@BeeLeigh
embarrassed because of myself
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm 27, and my therapist literally printed out an emotion wheel when I couldn't speak one day. I couldn't even look at her. Then I couldn't decide between embarrassed and ashamed. I can't identify emotions because of my dad. I never had a chance to learn how to process anything. I never learned how to recognize what I was feeling or how to deal with anything. I grew up in a constant state of being overwhelmed and scared. But it's something that *can* be learned. Even when you're 27. And you know what I've found? The more I concentrate and really try to focus on what I'm feeling, the more I'm able to control it. I can calm myself now because I'm better at recognizing my emotions. Your feelings are real and valid, but they don't have to control you.
@BeeLeigh
27 is still young and I'm sorry for what you have gone through..
i know my emotions just control everything but it's so hard taking the control back..
ashamed and embarrassed is the same?
@sensitiveShade5337
Ashamed and embarrassed are similar, but different. For example, I feel shame when I think of some of the things I've experienced, but not embarrassment. I know the shame is not mine to bear, but it's there nonetheless. Try this grounding exercise when you feel out of control.
@BeeLeigh
I did that yesterday with a listener cause I had a panic attack
@sensitiveShade5337
It can help calm you any time you're feeling overwhelmed or out of control. Because in those moments, the fear part of your brain is taking over, and using this grounding brings back the logic part of your brain. The more you can do that, the better you'll be able to control your emotions! :)
This is so well put @BeeLeigh
Yes, if it hurts you, it matters. Everyone's scale is different, but if it's on the scale, it matters.
@sensitiveShade5337 ...... you matter!
Thanks @DeborahUK! Nice to have you back! While emotional pain is more difficult to verbalize, physical pain is something we all understand, so I use that comparison a lot. Sometimes with myself too, as a way to kinda step back and see if I need to take a break. We all matter. We need to treat ourselves with the same kindness and respect we wish we'd received from everyone in our lives :)
@BeeLeigh
So true Bee, so very true. Who's the one person you have to spend every day of your entire life with? Who'll be with you through the thick and the thin. They need to be someone you at least like don't they? Not someone who'll put you down at every turn. Because that soul mate, there with you daily, is you! So yes, absolutely, we really do have to learn to be kind to ourselves.
@sensitiveShade5337 - sorry, not trying to take over your diary thread. What do you think about that Shade? You're your own company throughout life. Are you good company to be with, self compassionate and self forgiving? Or are you kicking yourself, always telling yourself you don't measure up? Could you be a better friend to you?
@DeborahUK
i don't know .. I believe I'm useless
@sensitiveShade5337
Ouch! Well you've got yourself this far. How about trying to draw a line under your opinion of you right now, and start afresh. Give yourself a second chance. Have you ever done that with someone? Where something happened way back that caused you to lose faith in them, and then life gets in the way and you've forgotten what your problem was with them in the first place? So you start again, wipe the slate clean. Could you do that with yourself?
@DeborahUK
yes I have forgiven many people but I cant forgive myself.. I can try to be nice with myself and treat me with respect but I'm not sure if thats going to work
I'm still so sad and angry.. will I ever be happy again? I'm not going to be a normal person I know that.. I hate me so much tho. I can't treat myself with respect and I can't be nice to myself. I feel like I need to get punished for everything so I ask people to do so while I'm hurting myself.. 😭😭😭😭
@sensitiveShade5337
Oh Shade, you don't deserve to be in pain. You can and will be happy! It's not going to be instantaneous, but it will happen! I fought on my own for so many years, but the only real progress has been over the last year or so, when I realized I couldn't do it on my own anymore and I found a therapist. Then shortly after I found my amazing therapist, I found 7cups. Now I've got the best support system in the world (literally, cuz we're all over the world in here!), and it's made everything so much easier and better! Lean on us when you're struggling. We're here for you ❤️
I'm so fucking angry.. I dont fucking care for anything..
Block me i dont care.. Nobody cares. Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me.
Tell me to go kil myself, tell me and I will fucking do it
@sensitiveShade5337
That's not true Shade. We don't hate you here. It's okay to be angry. We're here for you ❤️
@sensitiveShade5337
hey calm down if can
I hope you're ok <3
IM SO ANGRY AND I HATE ME SO MUCH
I SHOULDNT BE LIVING CAUSE IM ALWAYS BAD TO PEOPLE. I HURT PEOPLE THATS WHAT I ONLY DO..
EVERYONE HATES ME SO MUCH I KNOW IT
TELL ME TO GO KIL MYSELF AND I WILL DO IT. I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN I WILL NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN JUST TELL ME AND I WILL DO IT
😭😭😭
@sensitiveShade5337
Are you okay with hugs? You sound like you need to feel someone cares, so I'm here to tell you people do. It hurts me to hear you in such distress. Is there anyone in your home life you can turn to, or at college, or in work? No one would want to think you felt such pain and felt alone. We may have differences of opinion with people, but it doesn't mean this pain would be wished upon you by anyone.
You know someone who could be there for you? Who could stroke your arm, who could tell you you're okay as you are, who could reassure you, and who could tell you to hang in there? YOU. Yes, YOU. When people say 'take care' or 'look after yourself', they say it because it's in your ability to do that. Why be your own worst enemy when you could be your best friend?
So I'll start by offering you a hug, I'll sit by you and just be with you in quiet contemplation. But can you at least try to see the good in you, even if it's just something very small to start with. Because I really don't think you deserve this level of hate ❤️🤗
@DeborahUK
Im so useless I don't deserve anything.. I'm a bad person and everyone hates me I mean they should cause I ain't nothing.. I'm just a bag of trash that's what am I.. I'm so useless and I deserve this pain for everything that I did.
I'm so embarrassed of myself I'm so angry with myself. I can't explain you how bad I feel for myself..
😭😭😭😭
@sensitiveShade5337
Keep talking Shade. No one here hates you or thinks you're useless. I promise. We're here for you❤️
@BeeLeigh
everyone hates me and everyone is angry with me I know it
@sensitiveShade5337
Well you sound convinced of it my friend, but I wonder what makes you feel this with such certainty?
Something I've learnt in life is not to be too swayed by others opinions. For one thing, we're not mind readers, so what we suppose someone thinks may not be the case. And also, whilst people have the right to an opinion, we have the right to ignore it!
@sensitiveShade5337
You can tell me I hate you all you want, but that doesn't make it true. I don't hate you. I care about you. And I'm not going anywhere ❤️
@BeeLeigh
I'm sorry
@sensitiveShade5337
You must be hurting so much, dear Shade. I want to cry with how much you must be hurting. I am so, sorry that somehow you've been made to feel this way. It's not right.
This health problem has made me looks some things in a total different way. Its really painful without even overreacting and Its been really hard for me to even walk around. I know I'm strong and i can do this, its hard but I'm strong enough to make it and I will. I've been trying to calm myself down yesterday when trying to sleep, saying that everything is gonna be alright and after 1 hour of trying i slept. Because of the pain I wake up in the middle of the nights and generally i sleep a lot but i'm really trying to take care of me.
@sensitiveShade5337
My health problems also made me look things diffrently
I just started feeling bad about myself again.. I started being mean and hurtful towards me. I even embarassed me in a group room. :( I still hate me so much.. I feel so sad and I'm already crying. I dont even know whats wrong with me.. I have again so many emotions going on :'( I feel like hurting myself like start self harming again bc i already cause pain to myself with the things im saying..
@sensitiveShade5337
Hi darling.... I just wanted to say, I know what it's like to hate oneself terribly and viciously and scarily. I taught myself to hate myself, if you can believe it. At times, I was convinced I was a monster (not true). At times, I was convinced I was a demon or demonically possessed (also not true). Little by little, you can come out of it. Try. I don't put that in bold to imply you aren't trying (I believe you are), but to emphasize the need to continue to try. Like Rise.... do you like Batman? It's inspiring to me, anyway.
Anyway, I believe in you. I think you have spunk, I think you have brightness in your soul and in your eyes. Keep trying.
- love, Singer
I just made someone to hate me. I told them that it's better to block me, hate me and call me names bc I deserve that. And I guess they will
@sensitiveShade5337
Hey Shade, so what if they do block you? Doesn't mean a thing. Everyone is different, we all have different tolerances, different triggers, different judgements. If someone turns their back on you within a short time of knowing you, more fool them. But don't think for one minute that's how everyone views you. Think about all those people you exchange messages with on the daily check in. Why not focus on some of that positivity and support rather than worry about someone who doesn't have time to get to know you.