My Diary place

No one will understand this and I expect that.

Watching a Play Through a Letter Box

Doubt – walking through the events in your mind is a great deal of unsureness about what is about to happen. Still, with each moving toward the next moment, the solid ideas are being played with force, it can provide you with a hopeful way of stepping forward. To be unsure in knowing what is to happen but knowing that this march towards it is familiar and safe. It will at least be something that can be done, tell yourself that, you can do it. The sure and certain pattern is the strength you must hold on to.

Sadness – It forewarns that it is coming, the pattern slows and develops sometimes in hope, a hope that will show you how to be sad rather than get rid of it. As the light fills around you and the strings vibrate your heart, as they always do. A strong urge to not feel is met by the urge to destroy this, the most powerful of all sadness. It moves from movement to movement, it moves from tears of one to the next. It tells you that those tears are fine and that at the worst moment, of all the moments because of better & greater things that have happened. If these are the tears of the past, they are of the future but little is wrong with that.

Happiness – this tells that happenings can be found in the small often random places that were there all along. The softness reminding you that while battles might be the normal, other moments of such things can be.

Internal Fear – The fear inside is worse than that outside, inside the monsters are real and scarier, it is a battle with your mind, that often you are more likely to fall. You are confronted with a maze of horror and fear, to be lost would mean fear is overwhelming, to not enter the maze is to mean the fear has won. It will remind you from time to time of both the fear but also the chance of escape. To face this is to know that you are ready. It is the insects crawling all over your body. It is facing the needles in your arms. It is feeling the pain that was made numb at the time. This is not a game, it is scary and if you are to win then you have to feel all of it. To know it, to understand it, to tell it no more. It beats as fast as your heart, it surrounds you, it chases you, RUN. It in the end not you must die. As it changes its tactics, you must change yours until all is beaten to silence.

External Fear – it greets you as a friend, it does not feel scary at all and the tones are of comfort. It is not trying to scare you because you know that this fear is not made worse by your mind. It is intertwined with sadness, like it is in your heart. Still, soon it demands more than you perhaps could cope with but know now that this is not a new fear but rather than unwanted friend of past meetings.

Brave – This is Rome, this is more than you have seen and through the battle it kept your heart strong. Great and Noble buildings of thoughts rise from the ground, testaments to bravery are displayed, this is the glory and might. This is grander beyond dream. It could include a different sort of battle, one which you never expected to fight. As the pace gets faster, as your heart grows stronger, know that it is you that need to calm it. This could be your home just; it would rather be silly to do battle with anything here. This is the place of being where you need to be. The sword is to no longer fight with but as a reminder than the battle has been fought. Let the warmth of the sun touch your face, let it warm your soul, allow it to feel good. This is where home could be and it would be a glorious home.

Home – now we are home, it can be complex or simple. It does not need much but it can include more if you like. We sit with others of kind, we know that this place now in our hearts is content, as we are. More journeys are possible or perhaps a rest from the bad weather has set ourselves to just be here from now on. Among friends, among ourselves.

Playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpp2EEfTfo&list=PLeYqO16rIKaXuobUzQKfLXYad6Rjl7AIF

@AmalieAnne

I like your descriptions of these emotions. Makes one think. And I especially like the score to The Village.

I have certain pieces of music that stay in my mind and I find soothing. I googled a bit but am still confused and I thought you might know: if a piece of music serves my life in an underlying way as a theme or a way to calm or think, would that piece be serving as a leit motif of sorts or a fixed idea?

At any rate, thank you for the above thoughts and music. : - )

@themainjane

Hello,

This is reply will include a lot of waffling, so I am sorry about that. You are welcome, I love the music but in recent years, say the last 100 years that is, neo-classical music is a lot different due to technology. So in the Village you hear something which would be impossible to create surrounded by musicians. There is beauty in both of course, for me music is a kind of shared act of consciousness. We are existing in the moment of a piece of music being played as one entity, in essence our music is serving an understanding of an important something. If it fails to do so, you are listening to the wrong music for that moment of your life. Music for me certainly serves me, it releases or enhances, to be honest whatever it is sadly no language really can explain it. It serves my life, to be with me when I am sad or when I am happy and everything in between or beyond. It has that raw purpose so why not use it as such.

There was psychological experiment making use of Beethoven

@AmalieAnne

Thank you Ame for your thoughts. You are such an interesting thinker and I enjoy reading your thoughts on things.

I guess I like the French explanation because who ever enjoyed hearing no? Its fun to say tho just not to hear from others.

I think I best like the idea that one should listen to the music that serves them at that time and when its no longer as useful a new theme is found. Maybe its no so generous to take from music and give very lil back in return. The only thing I can give is my attention and sentiment since I dont play an instrument or really even have a desire to. So listening is my contribution in this unbalanced arrangement. It will have to do. 🙂

I can see that you relate to the violin, a beautiful instrument with much to give. And that you like large orchestras. I relate to the piano. I did take lessons when I was young and although I was never good at it, it is familiar to me.

A few years ago I was drawn to Glenn Gould and any pieces of him going thru the scales, toccatas was the word I think, soothed my mind and brought an order to my inner workings. Now Im onto something more sentimental and a bit freer. I find myself listening to Erik Saties Gnossienes or Debussys Clare de Lune. It will serve, as you said, until it doesnt. I am thankful for the pieces of music that have found their way into my life.

And I guess Ill keep thinking of certain pieces as leitmotifs to the backdrop of my life. 🙂

But I think I also largely missed the point. As you are a unique thinker and a very very bright individual, I cannot always keep up with you.

I guess for me since I have not played an instrument in a group setting or even very often been in a room while others have, I would have to go with the individual interpretation. I think I waffle too and maybe did not fully understand your explanation.

I get the thing on classical music and memory. I agree with you that Im not certain you could say the effects are lasting but then not much is I guess.

The idea that all art and science has motif sounds highly likely to me. The French combined group consciousness vs the German individual thought stuff... I would need more information or to think about.

At any rate, guess I really just wanted to say that I like music and am glad you do too!

@themainjane

Jane this is not personal but we need to get you some help *Kicks Debussy* Ok... sorry that had to be done. I do not think of myself as unique or bright but thank you although you should not encourage me to waffle, that could be dangerous. If I may though, if you are listening, even to Debussy and his despicable works by yourself, you are not alone. It might feel like you are since I do not think you see music still; you not only have the composer but the poor creatures that are playing with you. They do it for arguably very little money and for the love of playing. Playing it in an interpretation of the score, really if you think about it an orchestra should not really work but it does. Remember though even though I have read about composers and their work including the dominate interpretation, it does not mean they are correct. Music is upon your ears and for your use, no one can point to a single beauty and claim it to be absolute. No one said you cannot dance to violin concertos but I do [exclusively in private].

So enjoy Debussy and his bottomface Clair de Lune, they say he was influenced by Chopin but I think that an insult. You might like Chopin though perhaps Spring Waltz, the piano to me has always been too ordered but Chopin is a lot better than you know who! Alas toccatas and to Italy we go, most music is composed that way but the kind of it goes Baroque, Classical and then Romantic periods. So maybe Vivaldi and Handel, I have always found it to be very formal. In the Classical era you have Viotti and Mozart. During the Romantic era there is that Debussy guy but also Schubert, Chopin and Mendelssohn. Between the Classical and Romantics, you have of course Beethoven. You can have the Baroques and Romantics, then I will take the Classicalist. I fear my waffling has accidently got out of hand. Still, did you know you were a Renaissance Romantic? You might not find French group consciousness vs German individual thought in any books, that is just how I make sense of them. Nevertheless, music is there to help express or join you no matter what you are feeling, that is why it was written

@AmalieAnne

Ame, you silly thing -- now I see you as something waffle-shaped....maybe a goose?

I will listen to my Satie, Debussy, Saens and all of their ilk moonfaced and muttering to the ground (it's best to keep the ground close to one's head so one can find their head if they need to).

Thank you for calling me a Renaissance Romantic.. it's nice to identify with something and i will stamp it in my brain as a badge of honor!

I am sure if i looked hard enough i could find some books that deal in french collective thought v german individual thought. They are not so far apart and exist in the same person afterall. i'm sure there are many such creatures running about. all about one's perspective and influences, i guess.

i think it's lovely to dance to whatever moves you and i strongly approve of doing so alone teehee. and i am trying stubbornly to resist the violin or cello or any such instrument. the first instrument i loved was the oboe in peter and the wolf so i must keep watch not to fall for their antics. i agree with you that the piano can be plodding, heavy-handed - methodical. but ever so often when played just right it is none of these things. and it is, afterall, home for me. at least for now.

@themainjane I am people shaped silly and geese are mean, they try to eat me. Feel free to come and dance with me, we might have to turn the lights off though I really love Gabriels Oboe but I have to admit I am not sure what Peter and the Wolf is but I will look it up. I watched a TED talk once about how children learn to play the piano and at the end he used an expression which I might get wrong but I think he said it was half a bottom playing. Made me smile

@AmalieAnne

oh and finally I do get what you mean about music being also about the musicians contribution as they are the one actually playing it. Like when I used to listen to Gould play the piano— i was very aware that I was listening to his interpretation of the piece bc in places he hums to himself. 🙂

I hope youve been having wonderful travels to family and places.

Dancing with lights off is probably best lol .. no mirror to judge you, only your thoughts. Of course those could be shaken out of your head if you knocked your noggin into something whilst gliding away or jostling about in the dark. 😆

which brings me to another thought: have you ever practiced being blind? Sometimes I like to find my way in the dark, trying to navigate around familiar objects. I find its good practice for when Im old (well, older even still than now). I once read a poem about such a thing. It mustve been interesting to me bc I still remember the notions of it. Will have to look for it again.

if you look into Peter and the Wolf, Id be interested to know your thoughts. I found it a bizarre lil tale when I was young bc the characters behaviors were so foreign to my way of thinking probably due to being from a diff time and place. It might be worth another look, maybe not.

And I found learning to play the piano was definitely sort of plodding and methodical. Yes, those words again.

Anyway, have a good day!

@themainjane

I was thinking about the piano and all percussion instruments, while they might seem methodical like you said I am not a pianist so yeppers… they do kind of keep almost a base of the music (like the foundations of a building). So, I went exploring and found ‘Cambridge 1963 click here to listen to it. To me the piano starts and ends the theme but the explosion of strings, it works well together rather it works beautifully together. I really cannot get excited by the piano but I can with strings Maybe learning to play the piano is like all instruments, it kind of takes a long time and then you can really learn how to play the way you want to.

I really do not like the dark because then I start seeing sounds but maybe fairy lights dancing and I am falling over all the time so no need to worry about that. There was a restaurant I think in London, I am sure they do it in other places where you come through into the darkness and you eat your meal in the dark. It is meant to make your taste better or something. Kind of sounds fun though and if you miss your mouth then at least no one will be able to tell. I am still to listen to Peter and the Wolf but it was written around the Bolshevik ideas, for the motherland. I am still a bit mad about death of Russian Royal family because of the Bolsheviks. Other countries have become republics but it always felt wrong and bad us English, if it were not for stupid political reasons they could have lived in Britain. Anywho… I am reading about French political systems from 1778 until 1799, so it is worse and I not out of the 1770s yet.

(Extended version of Cambridge 1963)

@themainjane Is this the Peter and the Wolf Book?

I read it and I get it but then the historical context I think is important, from a kind of proto-socialist society to Bolshevism but I might be reading too much into that.

@AmalieAnne

Video not playing

@diplomaticMap4854

Sometimes Youtube blocks or removes things even though artists are designed to be poor, so here is the list.

Doubt is Helen Jane Long "To Dust" although I recently heard "Outside" and that is really good.
Sadness is Craig Armstrong "Balcony Scene" based on Romeo and Juliet, they knew the start was the end from the begining.
Happiness is Craig Armstrong "Smile Lines" based on Queen Elizebath The Golden Age.
Internal Fear is Hans Zimmer "Hibernation Suite" not based as I thought on the Roman General so not sure.
External Fear is James Newton Howard "Rituals" again not sure what it is based on.
Brave is Hans Zimmer "Elysium" which is Heaven, for death is most fear and brave anyone can be.
Home is Bear McCreary "Wondrous Love" it reminds me of perhaps being a scottish warrior returning home.

ok he said it was ok to put this name and mommy said not to panic. Remember my name brain or there will be trouble.

@Avaray your messages have disapeared, not really sure why bad 7cups

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo you are back! Did you have a good time?

(ps i asked them to take my posts down, I was sort if needing me back if you understand what I'm meaning xx I wasn't sure if would affect your site so I copied a few 😘)

@Avaray Lady Avaray of Aprica, I am not back yet still here with the English and on this evening we go to Spain to see grandpapa and grandmama, looking forward to that but kind of sad I have to leave here as well. I am having a good time; it is nice to have lots of people around the house. I am not sure why you need you posts back if I am honest but if that is what needs to happen, it is good that happened. At times I am embarrassed about things I have written but I do not think you mean that. Perhaps we felt to exposed to the world and I kind of understand that.

To old business, poor choice of words I know, perhaps age is but a measure of living. While you walk through the autumn of your life, ever closer to death, remember the impact you have made not on the world but to each person you have meet. That is overall dramatic, even for me. When is your birthday? So why the Kite is an Alien.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Noble People, Kings and Queens and others of the Court this is my evidence for which I did make up is as follows. I have in person placed my ear to the Kites ear and heard of noises which cannot be explained by natural means. It was like singing whales, a strange thing for anyone to hear in someones head. She through my spies has it so informed, insured her left eye ball for 1 Billion Euros but kept the right eye ball without any such insurance. She knows all the words to Pirates of Penzance but only backwards, which is weird. And she once ate a sponge because she thought it was people food. So my only conclusion must be she is an Alien.

@AmalieAnne

Oh kiddo you make me smile 😄

Too exposed to the world, kind of does explain it well xx

Im glad you're enjoying being away xx

Autumn, you are a cheeky chop 😂

But kite... Hmmmm you are being brave saying she is an alien.... She can fish slap pretty good .....so I have heard 😧❤

@Avaray You never did tell me your birthday. If you were born 29th February I would be older than you, silly you got born on the wrong day is all. As for Kite, if you rub her tummy like a doggy she forgets and it makes her go to sleep. Do not use it too often though or she might notice what we are doing.

@AmalieAnne

Hey there xx. If I had of held on for 9 more days you would be older than me 😂 give you a maths problem to solve

How's your visit going ?

I write my exam in 10 days time, got these cogs a turning, eish.. Got losts still to do, but am taking a few days off next week to study and finish my assignments.

Kite is going to get you kiddo 😁😧😜

@Avaray

@agreeableKite4304

😂🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟

@Avaray Perhaps you were very stubborn and wanted to enter the world when you wanted. I mean you could have held on for a few more days (I am not sure how it works, I guess we are born when it happens). I would like to be older than you, would it mean that I could boss you around? I like that idea. When you say you are writing your exam I am not really sure what you mean by that but good luck for Monday. I counted on my fingers and I have ten of them, so I think it is on Monday. Writing them is better, I have done some spoken exams (maybe not the right expression) and that did not go so well for me. As for Kite, do not worry I heard she is ticklish (wrong spelling of the word I mean). My trip is going wonderful tomorrow we go home though and then the bears will get me and I will be crying a bit. I am missing my bestest friend though so that is a good thing I get her.

@AmalieAnne

3Reply
Avaray
on August 2nd
@AmalieAnne

Hey there Ames xx that sounds awesome... Im so happy that you're going to see people that you love.

Enjoy your time there sweet Ames 💗

In Reply To AmalieAnne 2Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 3rd
@Avaray Only a few more sleeps. It is almost as exciting at Christmas.

In Reply To Avaray 2Reply
Avaray
on August 3rd
@AmalieAnne

I'm so glad you're happy Ames, you must enjoy... You deserve to be happy kiddo.

Hugs my little friend ❤

In Reply To AmalieAnne 0Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 6th
@Avaray I just have got to get to Friday evening, that is not going to be easy. What with grumpiness and feeling sad, plus I do not want to go more clothes. That sort of thing.

In Reply To Avaray 1Reply
Avaray
on August 6th
@AmalieAnne

You can do it ames...why dont you spend some time making lovely cards for your granparents decorated with your amazing drawings, soon you will be there... I know waiting is terrible...❤ i saw monkey's today ...i waa sort of ok and was thinking in my mind im nervous of those critters they are in the trees by my son's school, so i was waiting for him to come from his classroom to my car... So i was watching these things... And thought I'm scared of them although a bit better then i used to be but in my mind i thought if they tried to go for my son i would go sort them out... Picture kong foo Ava... And monkeys flying everywhere.... Ok that probably waa a lot braver in my head and i would definitely need an adrenaline rush for that to happen... Anyway.... 4 more sleeps kiddo if you are at Monday night like me xxx

In Reply To AmalieAnne 1Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 7th
@Avaray We have presents for family and they are wrapped so I hope those customs people are going to be nice. A lot of is that I do not things changing and a lot of things have changed now school is on summer holidays. I know that my sister has told everyone to say how tall I am. It will be ok though, going clothes shopping which is boring (unless it is for hats or dress up). I am not sure how old you are but one monkey attack in your whole life is not a lot and if you consider the life span of monkeys, you have most likely outlived him/her. Not that being bitten is a nice thing but perhaps they have learnt Ava is not food? I can only compare monkeys to geese which are mean, hopefully one day we can find a peaceful truce. Are you still studying?

In Reply To Avaray 2Reply
Avaray
on August 8th
@AmalieAnne hey there... I just wrote a message and pushed the back button by accident now it's gone😡

2 more sleeps kiddo...almost there.... Just be who you are cause we think you are kindda awesome x

Ps.... I'm like ancient.... But you know who..... A clue ... K I T E.... Is older then me so im still not to ancient 😂

Hugs Ames xx

In Reply To AmalieAnne 0Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 8th
@Avaray.. darn computers. I tend to write in Word and then cut and paste Two more sleeps now, feels like forever and a day. I do not know why you think I am awesome, I am just me and mostly grumpy at the moment. I think Kite might be an alien or robot, so that does not let you off the hook. Do you celebrate Aussie Christmas? It is on August 25th because that is winter, so it is like normal Christmas. Really gross turkey and all the fixings (?), games and the oldies falling asleep in the afternoon (there are two cultural Christmas I am accustom to but I will go with the more Aussie version). Any who.. *hugs* be good

In Reply To Avaray 1Reply
Avaray
on August 8th
@AmalieAnne

Ames always have seen you as awesome... And to see how far you have come in your journey... Makes my heart very happy... I use my cell phone so when i push my back button instead of my next line return button it takes me back to the prior screen that i was on and then ... All gone 😕

Kite an alien... Hmmm careful... She threatened me with fish the other day again... 😬😁 I'll give u a clue to work out to keep that mind of yours busy... If i was a dog... I would be about 6 and a half years in dog years...😁 when is your birthday, if that is an ok question to ask?

I passed my first exam and am studying my next subject of the course and will write in September 😯 i have sooo much still to do before then, assignments and to finish studying... Eish😰

Down to one more sleep .... You almost there... Will soon be flying...

Hugs my little friend xx

In Reply To AmalieAnne 1Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 10th
@Avaray

Well done on passing your exam in May your clever little banana and you have an essay or exam in September but you will do just fine. I am not really sure what you mean by ‘write in that context. I love essays and exams but I am very weird. Just do a little bit each day and you will be fine. As for Kite, it has not been disproved she is not an alien or robot. I need to see the evidence for that before I believe it. I found this:

http://cdn.akc.org/DogYears_Infographic.jpg

I will go with small dog which makes you 42, that is really old but remember I do not make the rules. Let me work out a year, so 1976? Which is younger than mommy and the Alien/Robot Kite. Mommy did have my brother and my sister when she was a young oldie. I always have had a picture of her carrying them around while in the Amazon studying the local tribes [she is a stubborn girl and she is awesome]. My birthday is Noviembre 25th and I will be 15 whole years old. That is a doggy getting to their first birthday old.
No more sleeps until flying yay… I am so excited so there might be more sleeps, since I was up early. It is also still quite early in the day so a little sleep might happen. I tend to fall asleep on planes.. then Granny and Granddad yay. There will be a lot of crying and that is just Granddad.



In Reply To Avaray 2Reply
Avaray
on August 10th
@AmalieAnne

Im glad kiddo.... Finally here.😁😄



You must enjoy ❤



Add 4 more years onto your estimation... 🙊 eish im old!!



Remember to wave if u fly over Africa..

Kite... Hmmm ..... 👀

Hugs Ames

In Reply To AmalieAnne 1Reply
AmalieAnne
on August 10th
@Avaray You are still one year younger than mommy :) We will not be flying over South Africa unless someone make a really big mistake. Canada to London, does not normally go that way. I am ready to go to the airport, just got to wait for my sister and mommy. Wish they would hurry up (I have some anxiety).

In Reply To Avaray 1Reply
Avaray
on August 10th
@AmalieAnne

That would be an oops 😁 (over Africa I mean)



I feel abit better... 1 year younger 😁 i just dont know when that age snuck up on me... 😕👀

Almost there kiddo... Almost there .... Hugs my little friend

This is not my best, I do not have all my things with me.

The birds and butterflies start yawning, it is the last trace of day as the moon chases the sun to bed, the creatures of light also slowly go to their beds. As the toads finish toading, the badgers finish their shopping, all is stopped for snacks by candle light. Ah… the turnip sandwiches, what a delight. They all get sleepy as the day stops its wondering features. The other creatures all told to come out, then the spreading night is no longer a fright. As the trees bellow out their deep voices, humming so deep, the fairies start singing with flashes of light. Night creatures start their day illuminated by the fairy light. At night the humans sleep, this is not their forest at night. They live far away from the magical forest; the flickering stars are not enough to stop their sense of foreboding. The forest does not seem so silent in the dead of night. The owls so wise, this night as all nights sound their horns. Illusions of sound give rise to hallucinations of sight. Do not worry, the human creatures are starting to have their mornings. The forest returns to light, the creatures of the night now seem to experience the fright. The sun soon chases the moon, the bright removes imaginative beings, but the thing is, belief produced during the night ignores the creatures out of sight.

@AmalieAnne

Beautiful Ames x

@Avaray Thank you. You should have done your exam now, would you like some of my special moonshine? Just a little or it will make you go blind. I have heared it is reasonable in taste but I have not tired it.

@AmalieAnne

Hi Ames x i have finished my exam ... I think i passed but have to wait 6 weeks untill they finish marking everyones exam papers...eish😬 moonshine might help😂 now waiting for my next subject to arrive and then study.

Are you back home yet, how's the holiday going

You have disappeared, so hopefully you will be back. I am sure you did well on your exam and if you did not then you can take it again. Exams are weird things but they do not take six weeks to mark, they just like to make people wait You can have some more moonshine if you like, not to much, it is made out of carrots and chocolate. This might be weird thing to say but I always get the impression you find it uncomfortable talking with me or something... Then again I it is difficult to tell. I am at Canada home now and school kind of starts on the 27th, I will be going two full days to start with then hopefully more but kind of have to see how it goes. My holidays were good but kind of sad to leave, it is almost Christmas though which is not too long away then I get to go back. I think it is Granny and Granddad for Christmas day this year, either way is good though What is your next area of study? One of the methods I use for exams was what I think his name was Dominique Keats used. He could remember the random order of a deck of cards. If I need to remember things I create images by walking around a place in my head, sometimes made up, with hints. My brain then can fill in the miss parts, it helps with biology and chemistry which I am really bad at. Iron is a fire with two yellow flames, the first being a third of the height. Then three red flames of three the same height and two twice as high. So Iron is FE (Fire) atomic number 26 (yellow flames) with a mass of 55.845u (red flames), I do have a weird brain though. Enjoy your time off studying until the next part starts

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo... Don't find it hard talking to you, I find you quite amazing actually, and it's touched my heart seeing how you have worked through things since we first "met" even when it's hard you push through. I think sometimes we use humour to uplift others but sometimes also to mask sad. But that's also ok because then humour has the way of uplifting at the end.

I can do moonshine made with chocolate and carrots, technically it's vegetables and dairy right😇 so very healthy😃

My studies fall under that Financial accounting heading (which almost seems a contradiction of words) but that's what they call it and my next subject under that is computerised bookkeeping, which should be interesting. I think they enjoy torturing us making us wait... But in reality they have a lot of students all over the country that also write and so they give the results out all the same time, they also have to mark assignments that have to be handed in which contributes to our final marks.

It's weird how long it takes for something exciting to arrive and then it just flies past when you are there. Christmas is coming. What do you do for Christmas when you go to your Grand parents?

I'm going to eat my breakfast my hubby just brought me, left over curry from supper and toast and coffee... Yum a treat 😃

Hugs my little friend 🌹🌹🌹

@Avaray

You know saying I am amazing makes me feel uncomfortable although I like feedback because it is important, I am just me that is all. Then again, I do not really see how I have grown up (?) or worked through anything. Also, why curry for breakfast? I like curry but not for breakfast, crazy lady. Breakfast you can coffee but maybe toast and fruit. Oh ok... you can have curry for breakfast if I am allowed ice cream or frozen yoghurt for breakfast, I will let you sort that out with the mommy. Good luck.

I know with exams they have to be marked, then a percentage are remarked by another person so they can be sure they are marked fairly. Sometimes then are then adjusted to fit a bell curve, so that numbers in each standard deviation are in line with past years. So, it takes a while for that reason. Not that I know anything about it, I think sometimes I just pick things up without paying attention. Financial accounting is not contradictory but it kind of sounds a little well… boring. I like mathematics but forensic account sounds more fun. Will you do any of that? I guess you will do a lot of excel stuff. Wow.. I really do pick things up. You can then create macros to do what ever they might do, my brain stopped listening at that point.

Christmas I will have strawberry moonshine. This year is English Grandparents, so that is good still go to midnight mass to fall asleep (sorry but they should not have it at midnight, it is past my bedtime). Then I get to see everyone which is the best part. Then we go to Spanish Grandparents which is a lot warmer and I get to see everyone there. It also lasts less than I wish it to. Last year it was the other way and in the part of Spain I am from they have like a carnival after midnight mass. It normally gets to loud and to scary for me but I enjoyed some of it. Plus, normally grumpy from being woken up by fireworks and loud people. I normally just like doing things with people so granny it will be making cakes that she sales at the local church, they use the money for homeless people to have Christmas dinner. The church will let people stay there because it is cold in the winter. So, it is more the doing of things, not overall religious stuff. (My English grandparents are not catholic but Spanish grandparents are) Do not worry I am supervised when cooking or baking so I do not burn the house down or end up killing anyone. Do you like Christmas? Any who be good.

https://youtu.be/3eSx9lxjfOQ

@AmalieAnne

When you view from the outside you can see as a person grows xx

I loved that video clip thank you, we used to watch the muppets when it was near Christmas time when i was a kid ... Yes we did have tvs then...😜

I have worn out papa, mama and momie so I thought I would draw. Kind of my own art therapy by myself, maybe one day they will be worth 2-3 euroes

Trigger warning and this is my angry post (Feminism, abuse and religion)
Now I might get banned after writing this although I will try to redact at least some of it, the method I have chosen to do as such might not work. So, this could be my last post but I am bloody angry about some things so this is me being honest. If I do get this out then I do not think I will feel all that much better. Since I have an ear infection again and my head hurts I am somewhat grumpy plus there was a really mean goose at the park. Plus, again my legs have really been hurting over the last few days. Three issues although I am strong opinions on other things, this directly involves me and my anger. If you are still reading this is angry but it is honest, good luck.

Feminism Neo-Postmodern – There still seems to be this idea that the people can tell women that they are not allowed to have complete and absolute of their own bodies this is complete horse shit. Masculinity and femininity are piss bugger concepts that are only present in our societies because we allow them to be, there are lots of men that feminists although perhaps they do not understand they are, even then some tend to be protective more so over girls than boys, this is nonsense crap that needs to fuck off. If I understand the consequences then I am going to have as much cock sucking sex, birth control stuff and abortions as a fucking well like, OK! It is my shitting body and if any kunt dickhead of a man tells me that I am not allowed to what I bloody well with my body then he can go fuck himself and then I will rip his fucking testicles off. My body is my body no one has any fucking right to tell me or any woman what the fucking hell they want to do with it (I know I am not a woman yet). At this time, I perhaps do not understand the consequences but it is retarded that someone can tell women what they can do or cannot do. If it is not your body so you can go FUCK OFF! We have not even got to neo-postmodern feminism yet we are still carrying the same shit around with us and for some twat reason not been able to let it be thrown.

Thought crimes - One in 100 people (adults) have sexual thoughts towards children, most do not act on those thoughts and I am not about to convict people of having thoughts. Still, what fucking morons in their right fucking mind thinks to themselves, you know we have been punishing people the same way for centuries, it has not worked but fuck it let

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo xx

Hugs, I'm glad you got a bit of the anger out 💕

@Avaray Thank you *hugs*

@AmalieAnne

💕🌹

@Avaray I have been thinking about something you said a long time ago about remember events that happened in the past and a fear you had that those memories you had might not be accurate. I think maybe I worked out why it is important that they do change, at least it might be it. If they stayed the same, assuming our brains where not too scared to actually do the remembering, then we (or I at least) would always be afraid and it would always hurt. Not saying they do not do that now but perhaps the process of ‘getting better or whatever you want to call it involves at the very least change perspective on those memories. Not so much making them inaccurate but a lot different. Although in CBT thoughts and emotions are connected they seem to be different, at least to me again, emotions seem to be more difficult to deal with.

@AmalieAnne

Hey Kiddo x

I think emotions are a lot more difficult because they seemed to get linked to things, thoughts can be more easily convinced to change according to maybe reasoning and understanding things better maybe, emotions are more our raw state if I can say it like that? I think sometimes our thoughts and intellect try override our emotions to stop us feeling and in some way protect us. I know if I could switch off my reasoning and analysing maybe I would believe my emotional instinct and then maybe know the truth that is hidden in my core almost, but that brain and thoughts are very protective I think. I think as layer by layer is removed the inner you and emotions can be "heard" well my psychologist told me about the layers, he also spoke about a dam..... You don't just break the whole dam wall down causing a flood, you release the water bit by bit.

Hugs my little friend💚💜