Journey to Freedom
I'm on my own. Yes I still have contact with my Extremely abusive parents, and I see them once a month! There are definite flashbacks/panic attacks, SH attacks, disordered thinking, etc.
But then there are moments of such freedom! Moments when I do self care. Or feel free. When I make a decision or dare to dream. When I take care of myself. When succeed at something. Moments to relish being FREE!
wanting to start a journal of the journey.
We are stronger than most. We are super heroes. We legitimately can handle more than anyone else.
She gave up on me. I had someone who listened, who supported, who promised to never leave my side, who promised to never walk away, who promised she wasn't scared of my SH. She promised to always stand by and fight for me. I knew I was unlovable, but I dared to hope. I trusted her.
Until I showed up from a trip home with a black eye. My car was dirty. My dad decided a piece of metal was more important than me. Out of the blue, I was too much. I was more than she could handle. It got real and she set a boundary. I respect that. I don't want to hurt her. I KNEW I was unlovable, but I dared to hope.
But it hit me, she can't handle hearing about it. Yet I have to live it. All she had to do was listen and be there, and she couldn't handle it. How STRONG are we, that we live it (and live with the crappy ways it's destroying us) everyday. How BRAVE are we that we get up, go to work, do life, and never quit. To be unlovable, unwanted, and worthless but to show up every day and offer love, to work our hardest, and work to see others I think we are the strong ones
I freaking did it!!!!!! 29 days! I beat my SH goal! Tomorrow is my impossible goal....30. I'm a freaking badass superhero!
Ok that is all. I am alone in this fight. I am thwarted on every side. But screw this shit! I'm going to make it! I'm fighting and succeeding and growing!
@BraveAdventurer
You are not alonw in this fight, I am here and believe in you. How did day 30 go?
@BraveAdventurer
Yay!!!! For making it so far. Keep up the good work and your struggle will pay off.
I''be been a bit MIA because life was too much. So quick update.TW ABUSE, TRAFFICKING, SELF-HARM
I started having horrible flashbacks/nightmares/being unable to sleep. This plus working Covid floor and several of my patients passing.....it was too much.
As a kid, my dad would take me to this brick rancher. Would tell me to be good and do as I'm told. I was scared, especially when the man ripped of my pants...I fought. I think I even bit him. (I was only 7 or 8). So, he called his friends in. One had my arms. Another my legs. I remember the pain. The confusion. But most of all the humiliation and degradation of their hands all over my body. It happened once a week....every week for awhile. So, now when i sleep.....I feel their hands holding me. (Why I have to sleep under tons of blankets...even in the summer)
And my beloved patients... they come in. WE fight so hard. Some make it....but so many don't. It's overwhelming.
So, I made a plan. There's a bridge with pedestrian access and great parking. If I just jumped.....but I didn't. I came back safely.
Then my car was hit by another driver. It's been 2 weeks, and after 5 hours of insurance interviews, insurance has agreed to pay. I'll be able to get it fixed starting next Tuesday. But there is a chance I won't have it fixed in time for our vacation.....I might have no car/no means of escape when I got my abuser for 8 days. I may be trapped. I'm so scared. I'm depenedent on my abuser in some ways....i know it means I'll owe him. And I'm scared. I'm trapped.
But I've had breakthroughs too! I've discovered tapping and some cool coping mechanisms. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. I've fought past the bridge stage. I'm here to fight and survive and maybe even flourish. I can do this! I'm strong. We can keep fightiing. There is hope. Don't give up.
My coolest new thing: Write down one thing that you did every day that was empowering! One thing that made you feel strong or that you're proud of yourself for! It helps!
@BraveAdventurer I'm so sorry you have to deal with those memories. They're - God it's sickening - the things people can do. Especially to children. The innocent. Im sorry you had to go through that and now the aftermath in the form of flashbacks amd nightmares
You've often come to mind when the news is on. Maybe that sounds weird - but with all the coverage about this virus - it's everywhere. I can't imagine how hard it must be caring for these people - trying to make them better - it's heartbreaking
Your poor car! I'm glad you weren't hurt though. I'm - I couldn't imagine having to go back. I mean - I understand that there is allways circumatances and situations that complicate things. I hope that they can at least get the car functional - maybe since the car was in an accident - maybe you could get a rental? Sometimes you can even get it discounted through your insurance. Then you have a way to leave when you need to
I'm glad you had some break throughs - tapping is pretty cool isnt it?
I'm glad you didn't use your plan and I hope maybe you put it away for now. I hope you'll reach out to someone if it catches your eye again
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so so much. Wow just wow. This means so much!
One day at a time. I will survive this. The plan is always in the back of my mind, but I'm determined to not go back there again.
And I'll survive whatever the next few weeks bring.
But I've missed this community and support.
How are you doing? I miss your posts and hearing from you. you are so smart and insightful. I think you are so amazing!
@BraveAdventurer You're welcome :) I'm glad you don't plan on going back. Its a journey ive tried to take a number of times. Zero stars - definitely do not recommend. One day at a time is the best way
I hope a time comes when you no longer need to return and deal with your abusers. A time when you truely have your freedom from them
Today is actually a pretty ok day thank you for asking :)
I think you're pretty amazing too
@BraveAdventurer
@Nonethewiser
In case you wanted to know why I've been MIA.
There are so many good things in the world. But Im trapped. The abuse wont stop. Everything is falling apart. My life and body are just a toy for him. And though Im constantly searching for the good, the pain is too much. I was ready to give up. I know exactly how and when and where. But the one lady who cared bought me a chai today.
I told her I didnt have time for a proper breakfast before work. Of course, Im used to getting beaten for something like that. So, I instantly apologized.
She looks me in the eyes and says Ill never be mad at you. The only thing that would make me mad at you is if you give up the fight. Youre not allowed to give up on me.
I fight for her. Because someone actually cared enough to know my story and love me. Because I cant make the person who cares that I exist mad.
No thumbs up before a sporting event. No "what do I wear" advice. No matching Christmas pjs. No households full of love and laughter around holidays. No being Valued for who I am
As a child, I dreamed of adoption and rescue. The second I turned 18, the dream of being loved was shattered. There would be no family. No unconditional love. No carefree fun.
The pain of the realization that I lost my chance at being loved....
But I'm finding friends and family to fill that void. And slowly but slowly I'm healing.
@BraveAdventurer You ran through my thoughts and it occurred to me we haven't see you in quite awhile
I hope you're ok