I'm just... Tired

@TransparentPuzzle

Please believe me when I say that I know how you feel. Because, I really do know how you feel. I'm right there with you in the same boat. I don't know what's up or down any more. I keep pushing on forward, sometimes just literally picking myself back up off the shower floor after balling my eyes out. It's gotten so bad. I feel so alone in this world and at the same time, like I'm going crazy. I have no idea what to do or how to keep moving from here. I'm just done, with everything. I don't want this any more. Like you said, I'm so physically and mentally drained. Nothing makes sense. I just want to run away but I can't. I try and make good and right decisions and then they come back and slap me in the face. All this work and I feel so broken, still. Putting in all my efforts and for months, not seeing any results. How much longer do I have to feel this way? What did I do to deserve this? Doesn't make sense to me. I thought I was a good person.
I don't know where to go from here. I've never been this far in to recovery before... all my life I've been yelled at or shamed for making decisions on my own and them "being the wrong one". All I want to do is do right. Why is it so hard all the time?
It's honestly a terrifying position to be in... I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. But most certainly, you are not alone. Regardless of all the bad, you and I are exactly right where we need to be. Progress not perfection.

@cueball you're not alone either. I use the shower to my advantage as well, a lot of people don't understand the struggle and I'm grateful they don't... but despite how tired you and I are, my friend, we're still marching on. I've learned in this life that it doesn't matter if you're a good or bad person, it's almost like a game of poker. It's about playing with the cards you've been dealt and boy, did a lot of us get really crappy hands (sometimes it almost feels rigged). If you ever need someone to reach out to, my phone is always in my hand or pocket. I'm just a mention away and as soon as I see the notification, I start writing a response. Sometimes it's good to know there's people that are there for you... and in my opinion, it's also good to know there's people who will be there at a moments notice.

@TransparentPuzzle

Thats the worst part. Life's a game of poker and I suck at playing cards to begin with. Throw in a curveball of bad cards, and I'm lost. Definitely feels rigged on an outside perspective. I think that's what makes it that much harder... gotta focus and be busy making my grass green so I don't get distracted by other's greener grass.

When will it be enough, though? How do you accept a reality that is nothing like what you want or imagined for yourself? All this time, energy, money... working on trying to "get better", but does it ever get better?
Someone asked me well why you? What makes you so special? I couldn't answer because they just wouldn't understand. It's not about being special or not, who has the worst problem(s), or needing the most attention. It's simply because I am so mentally sick that it's making me physically sick and I just don't want to go on "living" like this in auto-pilot anymore. I need help. I need support.

I have all these skeletons and demons inside me and they are finally starting to come out... I'm in an overload of emotion and feelings are fully intensified without knowing how to handle them properly. It's terrifying. I don't know what to believe but my head is continuously going on and on about these extremely negative and intrusive thoughts. I'm waking up to myself screaming or crying from nightmares. I get stuck inside my head. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

@cueball I hear you, and I understand what you're feeling all too well. Grow your garden the way you want it, my friend. Grow your grass the color you want it to be. You and I are outside, managing our yards. It rains, natural disasters, hailing, tornadoes... and instead of going inside, you and I are continuing to work through all of this. That's because we want our gardens to be beautiful, and we want to stand back and admire it because of all the hard work we've put into it. We want to be done... You have so many questions I wish I could answer because I'm seeking them myself and I know how not having those answers feel... but the only thing I can really tell you is this. Imagine me looking you in the eyes while you're reading this because that's one of the few ways I personally know how to convey importance. You may not know what to do now, and that's ok. We unfortunately won't always know. Identifying next steps is never easy, but you'll find yours. You're growing your garden at your pace, in the color you want at your speed. In the meantime, take care of yourself, Cue. I'm here if you need a hand or someone to vent to. Take a few breaths (4seconds in, hold 7 and out 8 is my magic combo), take a bath, read a book... I personally lose myself in music that has deep meaning to me and play Call of Duty (a lot of people would quit if they knew I was winning because I was loudly singing Defying Gravity while playing). Answers will come when least expected :)

@cueball Hey cue, you're on my mind today. Just wanted to pop in and see how things were going :) How are you?

@TransparentPuzzle

I totally get this. It's so exhausting to self-advocate, to reach out and reach out and reach out and have nobody reach back. I feel sometimes like I'm on a set of monkey bars and I keep reaching for the next rung, which was totally there yesterday, but every time I put my weight on it, I fall into a hole because it's gone. It's exhausting and I am not sure where else to put my weight, but I'm tired of trying. Can't keep trying the same old thing. Gotta try something new.

@UnicornsR4Real Sometimes it takes different tactics to get across the same set of monkey bars, because not every day is the same... We may be tired my friend, but we'll get where we're headed. If you ever need someone to vent to, I'm always here. I'm a nerd, my phone is glued to my hand or in my pocket lol.

The posts like this one where I explain how tired I am, is when my running stops abruptly and I fall flat on my face, but I know that I'll get up and going again... My principal that saved my life in middle school helped me realize something. The best revenge in life is to live it well, and live it the way I want. It doesn't come without the work, I just had no clue how much it'd be and boy did I not expect everything behind the curtain (all the issues I need to resolve)... but I promised myself that I'll get there as quick as I possibly can.

Something inside you, my friend, is giving you a reason not to quit... It'll reveal itself to you when it's time.

Take a breath, some self care and take your time. If you need some help standing back up, don't be afraid grabbing someone's hand for it. I'm certainly holding mine out, just in case you want it or need it.

@TransparentPuzzle

❤️ yeah, it's like being a Phoenix and rising from the ashes. That old line about falling down 7 times and standing up 8 is misleading tho. We fall so many times... I think it's better to stop counting and just focus on the standing up again part.

@UnicornsR4Real I'm just proud that we keep getting up. If we were keeping score, I'd want to know what I can redeem my tickets for. A leather jacket may be nice... I heard they last awhile lol

@TransparentPuzzle

Haha. I want a trip to Europe with my tickets! Can we get more than one prize? We deserve several!

@UnicornsR4Real I don't see a redemption limit posted anywhere, and my source of tickets is gonna be with me the rest of my life... Guess we're going on life long vacations when the Anxiety feature gets updated to include a store \_(ツ)_/

@TransparentPuzzle

If I could spend my trauma tickets like money...

I would go to Europe every year until I had seen it all, and then I would go to all the other continents.
I would get a PhD and study history and language and grammar forever!

I would pay off my house...

What else would you do?

@UnicornsR4Real Trauma tickets made me laugh too hard...

I'd let my fiance pick from the catalogue first. Knowing him, we'd go travelling, starting with Ireland. Seeing my partner happy makes me happy and when I finally have a firm enough grip on everything, I'm going to work towards nothing but positive feelings for the rest of my life. I got robbed of a childhood and don't know what a family feels like and have only known pain, so I'd like to spend some of my trauma tickets to create nothing but happiness not just for myself, but everyone surrounding me and whoever I can reach.

@TransparentPuzzle

Oh I didn't know we could spend our tickets on that! I definitely want a happy family. A husband and kids one day. All of us happy and safe and unconditionally loved and loving. I'd spend every single one of my tickets for that.

@UnicornsR4Real If I can bribe someone into blocking all the negatives and allowing nothing but happiness and things of the sort, my direct deposit information for my paycheck would have their info, not mine 😂😂😂 but, alas... Hard work and time is the only way, but it'll be oh so worth it when you and I can wake up in the future, sip our coffee (specific reason for coffee for me, it's one of my PTSD triggers I've managed and for me, it's rubbing it into my dad's face lol) on our beautiful porch with our significant other with a beautiful sunrise, beautiful kids and a beautiful life. Oh I can see the porch swing now...

@TransparentPuzzle

I don't even need to block all the negatives. I would

just like the rug to stop being pulled form under me. And then a nice porch swing in the Fall breeze in a fluffy sweater with a spouse and a warm drink... Heaven! Now, where do I redeem the trauma tickets? Is it mail in or do I have to present them in person...🤔

@UnicornsR4Real almost feels like box tops from cereal. No one has any idea what to do with them after they're clipped 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ok this is getting scary, it's almost like you're in my head and describing what I see in my future

@UnicornsR4Real you just gave me an idea as a way to help cope with anything in the future, and even if it doesn't help you and I, it could be an idea for someone else.

Since mental health is something that can't be held or felt in your hand, sometimes it makes it more difficult for some suffering to comprehend. I know I struggle sometimes, because the thoughts of fighting something that can't be seen and being judged about my breakdowns still happen and it's one of the things I'm working on.

I'm just thinking out loud here, because that's what I do but... Why not give it a physical aspect? Literally set up a "store" (labeled jars?) with things you can redeem (self care stuff, like baths with bubbles... Relaxation sessions with a weighted blanket, weighted mask, essential oils and white noise etc.) Develop "Trauma Tickets" or, since for some reason the word trauma makes me feel weird, "Relax Tokens" (I'm imagining the gold plastic coins I can get from Dollar Tree) it'll be a physical way for me to keep track of the invisible... Hmm.......

@TransparentPuzzle

That's an awesome idea! Making the intangible tangible and then acting on that, I believe, can help reconnect neurons and energy pathways for healing in our minds! We can have "small ticket" items and "big ticket" items like Epsom salt baths and scented candles to more expensive dinners out or trips. I'm going to share this idea with my friends!

@NoneTheWiser oh it was a thread away lol

Props to Unicorn for sparking the idea and helping build on it

@UnicornsR4Real Hey Uni, you're on my mind tonight. How are doing today?

@TransparentPuzzle

Today was hard, but I got some unexpected support at the end from some coworkers. And now you're asking. Maybe there are people out there who care after all. That's strange! Lol. How about you?

@UnicornsR4Real That is very strange! Must have been a recent file update in the world's coding 😂😂 I'm sorry you had a rough day, but I'm glad you got some unexpected support! Even if I don't reach out, no matter what time of day it is, you're always more than welcome to throw something at me to get my attention! Doesn't matter whether you have a random idea for a hoola hoop redesign or answering one of the world's unsolved math problems, I'll come running no matter what!

I'm good! My emotions have been a bit mixed today but I'm good! My heart opened up earlier when I got off work and positive emotions and energy have been flowing out. It's feeling a bit foreign, but that's good! ... right? Lol

@TransparentPuzzle

I know what you mean when you say positive emotions feel weird. I mostly feel numb or angry or afraid. It's like there is no room for positivity when I'm just trying to survive. Society keeps trying to shove me off this mortal coil, but I persist.

shhhh... you can't mention the Matrix in the Matrix! They'll know you KNOW. 😳

@TransparentPuzzle

Hello, what you're saying about being tired really reminds me of where I was 4 months ago and for the full two to three years prior. I ended up going calling crisis many times two years ago and ended up in patient in the through the emergency room several times I was just tired. There's no way to completely describe what was wrong and I had no idea so I suspected paranoia bipolar depression and on and on excetera. It wasn't until I got around other veterans that I realized and I was suffering with PTSD. PTSD has symptoms similar to bipolar some paranoia on full alert depression just plain tired from being on alert 24/7 seeing everything and feeling disappointment about how things should be but they're not. I'm so grateful that somebody discovered that I had PTSD and now I have help the battle was intense I didn't think I would win I had contemplated many times giving up I'm so grateful that I held on because now I sit on a bench but my new medications slowly take effect as I ponder my destiny. I hope somebody will help you. I realize now that I had been in my own way. Until I acknowledged I had fear I was unable to get the help I needed. When other veterans explain this to me I had an epiphany and New Hope filled my heart. This is the first time in my life and I feel like somebody actually has got me I'm in good hands. I had to learn how to trust a psychiatrist I had to tell her I will take whatever she prescribes I've learned to be honest with my counselor and my trauma therapist and I'm grateful and I finally have the help. I suffered for 38 years since the war in Beirut and not one person including my mother my wife my doctor's anybody realized I had PTSD they just thought day was crazy LOL. Hold on tight take a deep breath and relax, and try to get out of your own way. Don't let fear control you another minute. We must fight the fear and we must be honest with ourselves in humble, and not be embarrassed that we have fear. You definitely not alone, my name is day and I'm here to help if I can.,

Blessings, Day 🤗

Song lyrics in my head right now from Mike Shinoda.

I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this

I'm tired of feeling like every next step is hopeless

I'm tired of being scared what I build might break apart

I don't wanna know the end, all I want is a place to start.

@TransparentPuzzle

This lyrics speak volumes. The lack of knowing where to begin is to much pressure. We tend to over think everything, and can find a flaw in everything: Sound farmiliar??

It took a while and a lot of gentle people helping me on 7cups before I started to really see I was in my own way. Strangly we try so hard that we miss the point. Try holding a handful of sand and cherishing it and loving it so you hold tight and tighter and you watch what you love slip between your fingers with each desperate attempt to hold that sand...... You lose more and more, and no disappointment sets in.

This is a cycle that allows fear of loss to steal your joy!

I needed meds and peace to slow it down, so I could see what was just to close to see.

@juliak1968 I really appreciate your replies and this is like the third time I've typed this out lol. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Massive Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety back in early 2018 when I put my head down and focused on myself and drowned everything else out, that was the year I had enough. I've felt different my entire life and I've accepted it, I just didn't know why but learned to explore it slowly. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and

That's what happens when you accidentally hit send lol. Continuing where my previous post left off...

I was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally by my dad. For awhile, I blamed myself until my middle school principal saved me without knowing it. I finally had something stable in my life so that's when I slowly started resolving things in myself. Ever since then, I've been running. There's times, like this post, where that running suddenly stops and I fall and land on my face, hard. It doesn't take me long to stand back up and dust myself off, then continue on. I'm currently working with my psychiatrist on two things, and that's confirmation for Asperger's and an MTHFR Gene Anomaly. A lot of my current issues did not start until I was put on antidepressants that didn't even work. The side effects become unbearable at times, that's mainly what stops my progress. COVID-19, though... I wouldn't say it's set me back, my progress is still the same. It's just,added more challenges to what I'm already currently working on.

Working on my mental health during this pandemic is like putting $5 of gas into my car and going back on the highway at the speed limit (or in my case, 15 over) I burn through that gas very quickly and have to pull over on the side on the road. I get out and start pushing. I'm tired, my check engine is on, it's hot out and I have no clue where the next gas station is... but I'm still moving forward. Just at a slower pace.

Ok that's not scary. The check engine on my car came on.

@TransparentPuzzle

That is a scary coincidence lolz, the comparison was all to realistic! I'm just checking messages but will have to come back and respond later. We are cooking outside and I have to run from r now. Try not to try overly hard, sometimes our over-efforts complicates things. Stay safe

Blessings, Day

@TransparentPuzzle

Yes I know how you feel, when it rains it pours! I've also been struggling what's a multitude no problems. Doesn't it seem like sometimes when we need to help the most people are the cruelest towards us? I'm not sure how that happens but it happens. It seems like the more were tested the stronger we realize we are. But it does take a toll. Tired , it's a good description of how we feel after numerous long fights and struggles. I knew when I was young something was wrong and so I tried working on myself, To re raise myself. I never realized the causes, or the potential diagnosises until I started really suffering Ideation, anxiety, and started calling crisis. I suffered greatly for the past 2 years, with a couple inpatient hospital stays, some groups after care, and discovering 7 cups. Some of the people I met here on 7 cups started to help me see things differently. 4 months ago as I was about to give up I reached out one more time and the veterans got ahold of me and are taking care of me now. 38 years it took everybody missed it, my mother, my doctors, my wife, my children, nobody knew I need PTSD help. A lifetime I'm suffering, confused, a dedicated to self care, but I was too close to be able to tell I had PTSD. Thank goodness for the veterans and thank you 2 all the seven cups people help me timer and taught me to be honest with myself and confront the fear. It's not easy but it's so worth it when you finally get to help. I learned that I was in my own way, I stubbornly would not move. The very stubbornness that sustained me through a lot of years of hard times actually worked against me. We need to learn how to trust we need to learn how to be open and honest, and we need to help each other. We all give great advice, but it sure hard to take that same advice. I'm hard-headed and I had to suffer a lot for a long time so that I could make the choice to trust again, because I knew the alternative was giving up. Having that knowledge helps keep me focused new ways of thinking. I give you a lot of credit you are to be commended for reaching out again because like me, you know something better waits for You. Will talk to you soon take good care of yourself I'm here if you need me. Blessings, Day😃

@juliak1968 I'm hard headed in a lot of ways, stuff I don't even recognize but I'm slowly working on. Like you said, sometimes it's ourselves that get in our way. I was told a year ago about EMDR and ignored it, and my psychiatrist just mentioned it to me two weeks ago and I've been putting the research I need to do off. Why? Because I keep convincing myself that I don't need it, even though deep down I do. It's a step I have to take to keep moving forward. I keep trying to put "but" in my sentences to justify putting it off so you'll notice when I write out something I know I need to do but keep giving excuses, you'll see some very short sentences that seem to the point. Most likely it's because I put "but" and removed it.

I'm trying to take more advantage of 7cups. It's easier for me to post here knowing I'm anonymous and actually have support, and I can re-read conclusions I've already came to. I just suck at follow up sometimes. Ok, I suck at follow up when it comes to my personal stuff. I set notifications and such, follow it for a bit and slowly start to get annoyed each time I'm reminded. It's interesting how many times I try to build new habits and get annoyed with it before it's set... hm.

@TransparentPuzzle

Sure does remind me of me lolz, Im the same way, but am learning to just go to therapy. Everything i convinced myself it would be like is only part right, the none important parts.

Im luck right now because im finally convinced that my way doesnt and will never work; and i have a strong smart therapist that stops me, and corrects me verrrrry often and she is right. I go home and start sorting out what she is showing me about myself. I feel awkward and vulnerable as i see the way i act from her perspective. Trust her, i had my chance and my way is wrong, my old habits are inbedded in my reactions, and my outlook. Im learning like a child now and doing the homework as i see the distraction is very healthy. I like a bit of art therapy because as im engauged in it, im able to access some logical epiphanys and im learning more and more she is right. She is still trying to deactivate my trauma induced (what has become my way of life) wrecklass focusing on needless crap.

"I focus on everything, so i cant focus on anything"

Its so true, so we must learn like we are children from the basics, and its rewarding when you let go of our way, and let in her way. 😊👍

We are getting better and that renews our hope!

Blessings, Day

ttys

@TransparentPuzzle @unicornsr4real

I described the struggle in a poem 🤔🤗🤗

Percieving what we believe in

is decieving and has no meaning

as life's mistreating

dishes out this beating

........Leaving us bleeding

But we cant see it if we close our minds

....and we cant think about this when we're blind

so walk away and you will find,

a freind here waiting for a sign!

So take your time

.....and organise

whats on your mind

and you'll wisely find

you're not really behind

so relax your eyes and you'll realize

you're fine just the way you are!

And you can reach for the stars

put cream on the scars

and then healing transpires

The delusional parts only confuse our goals

...and they corrupt our souls

Leaving us with a heart full of holes.

Set goals now and your mind will see

what closed eyes have failed to believe

Don't let sight deceive & keep us on our knees

....throwing logic into the breeze.

Winds at your back excited

Winds of hope reignited me.

Step by step confide

so we can share secrets of life

........Thinking

"what could be?"

.......But only if we let it,

if you hold back you'll regret it!

"There, Now I've gone and said it!"

We hold ourselves down......

Dirty on the ground.....

I've found myself tourmented and bound

by invisibility. ......

I've ignorged all possibility.....

so I must set myself free

of a self-inflicted confined mystery

....That causes so much mind-bending mysery!!!

We have the power to see if we allow ourselves, Day

@juliak1968 Hey Day, you've also been on my mind today. How are you?

@TransparentPuzzle good thank you my therapist called with a cancellation so I filled that this morning and I was just looking at a Mark Twain quote

@juliak1968 mixed emotions today my friend but I'm good! I've been on a positive energy high the past few days and normally while I'd be fearing a major crash, I'm just merely observing the ledge. I have to admit, when we first started talking, I was barely holding my hand out for someone to grab to help me back up. You took notice, yanked me from the floor and started helping me brush the dust off. You were one of the first major dominos in a series of positive effects. I hope this positive energy that seems to be flowing out of me lasts, I haven't felt like this in ages

@TransparentPuzzle

I'm so glad that I can help, you reached out. When we all work together something special does happen to make us feel better. I think when I first started and 7 cups the thing that I needed and didn't know I needed was validation. I quickly learned that everybody on this site has something to offer. When you reach out to help somebody it helps you feel better too. Keep letting the magic work reach out to as many people as you can when you have the strength.

I became a listener few times and I got little bit burned out, so now I just try to reach out and look for people to say hello to I'm in the same boat as you are.

We keep watching the holes, and navigate to beautiful ☮️- full, calmer seas 😄

Today's therapy reach deep and some of the most painful things of my life so at the end of the session she had me put everything in a safe and lock it tight, so tonight I'm just not being too serious fooling around a little bit and I changed my profile picture to a funny little monster. I hope you have a blessed night and meet many other wonderful people you're doing great that's how this works it's amazing! We will talk to you soon. Keep your chin up!

Blessings, Day👌👍😃

My psychiatrist and my doctor talked for a little bit, and came to the conclusion I have Asperger's (I think nowadays, I believe it's referred to as just Autism now?)

I figured it out 10 years ago but, I've had a lot of contact with people who made fun of those with autism and I kept it to myself because I felt if I brought it up, they'd do the same to me.

I was trying to talk to my mom about it, because even though my mind knows it'll never happen, my heart is still trying to keep a mother son relationship with her even though she's put so many metaphorical knives in them...

I told her today, asking her for her support because I wasn't sure how to feel and my response wasn't her holding my hand like I did her when my dad died...

It got slapped away and I was told, "You're not autistic. Don't you have Matt for these kinds of things? Go talk to him."

My heart broke... It is very hard for me to give up on a person, but for my sake until she decides to do something about her Xanax addiction, I guess I no longer have a mother...

I need a vacation...