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TransparentPuzzle
894 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts46 Forum posts80 Forum upvotes164 Current upvotes164 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceMay 12, 2020
Bio
I’m a gamer who’s also passionate about music. I’m trying to overcome/manage PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADD and all of the side effects that come with the medications. Doing all this along with trying to remember who I was is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life... but I’m still standing.
Recent forum posts
Gimme some room...
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 October 7th, 2020
...See more Oh the words are flowing tonight from my finger tips... Trauma support check ins can cause the gears to start turning lol Just needed some WD-40 (I'm southern if that explains my bad joke) My name, TransparentPuzzle, is specific to only here. It took me awhile to think of it because I like things with deep meaning. This name has a few. When I created the name, I had a lot going on in my head. My emotions and thoughts were so close to the floor that I could smell my fiancé's dirty socks 24/7. After many attempts at reaching out to therapists and psychiatrists, I deemed myself a puzzle. I love puzzles, because I'm good at figuring them out but I'm the hardest puzzle I've ever worked on. To express that level of difficulty I was feeling and describe how I am as a person, the word transparent came to mind. Solving a puzzle that has transparent pieces isn't impossible, just extremely difficult. The more pieces there are, the more difficult it is. I had absolutely no clue how many pieces of myself I was missing and had no box to reference, but the longer I'm here with you guys, the more I'm figuring out. 7Cups was that piece of the puzzle for me where, when you find it, the rest of the assembly picks up pace rapidly and it becomes easier. To feel this becoming easier is just... amazing. I'm still observing the drop below, just in case... but I'm not worried about falling down again since I have y'all at my finger tips
Eviction Notice
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 July 25th, 2020
...See more There are some days where nothing is wrong, but there's something there that you can't put your finger on... Nothing caused it, it's not doing any harm, at least, we don't think it is... but it's sitting in the dark, alone You continue on with your day as normal, but it whimpers and catches your attention... you look up and it's acting as if nothing happened. You slowly turn your attention back towards your work, but now it's doing what it does best... it's waiting. It knows it planted itself in your mind, and it slowly waters the negative thoughts and they begin to grow... The roots are trying to take hold deeper and deeper, while 'it' just watches... patiently. You realize what 'it' is trying to do, and you pull it to the side. "Anxiety, I thought we talked about this." We didn't do anything... you rambled on about how you've had enough of my bul- You interrupt it "I've had enough of you taking advantage of me Go back to where you belong " Trying? I'd say I succeeded. Look at you, you're talking to your own anxiety like it's a living, breathing thing. All I had to do was take advantage of your compassion for innocent lives, make a noise that resembled a living creature in pain and here we are, exactly where I predicted. "Your prediction must not have gotten very far, Mr. Anxiety. You really must not have paid attention to what I said." Like what you said could ever be important. "Oh, but it is. I'm the landlord of me, and you've been evicted."
Dear Anxiety...
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 July 7th, 2020
...See more Dear Anxiety, I tried working with you. I thought talking to you as a friend would help, because you know my preference is working with others and not against. I know you're meant to protect me in certain situations, but you seem to not understand... You're not the one in control... I am. You seem to have forgotten that, but more importantly, you seem to have forgotten that not everything is a threat to us. Not everyone has an ulterior motive when trying to help us. Not everyone is doing things for money, for torment of others or anything of the sort. The world may be cruel, but I've worked hard to surround myself with the best people I possibly can. You've been there for the ride, hell, you even helped pick out the people. But... Why can't you trust the people you helped surround us with? It's funny, I just asked you that and all thoughts stopped and I got a bit short of breath. It's ok to not know the answer to things, I know we've been working on our concern about that for a considerable amount of time. The rubber band I put on my wrist today is to not put a leash on you, it's to help *us*. We're tired, you know that and I know that. It is another way I can communicate with you, that you seem to be responding better than anything else I've tried. We've defined situations where anxiety is warranted, and we are slowly being able to identify when it's not when a situation reveals itself. Tomorrow's a new day, Anxiety. Get some sleep. -The Landlord
I'm just... Tired
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 July 19th, 2020
...See more I'm honestly at the point of enough, you know? I've been moving forward constantly since I can remember... Constantly improving myself, bandaging the wounded parts of me without stopping, patching what needs to be patched but no rest... I'm held together with duct tape and Elmer's glue at this point. I've expressed to my therapists, my psychiatrist and my doctor how tired I am and how done I want this to be... Not just this pandemic, but patching myself up on the fly to continue to move forward. I get reassured that I'm not alone, I know I'm not alone, that's not my problem... I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Every single thing I've planned for myself yo relax has been destroyed in one aspect or another. Self care is no longer helping as much as it used to... I'm tired of screaming and asking for help from the people who say they're listening and are there to help but aren't, even when you spell it out clearly. I'm tired of having to put $5 in my emotional gas tank, drive down the road a bit and have to push myself to the next station while every single warning light goes off and the tires are flat. I'm tired of pills after pills, side effect after side effect. I don't know who I am anymore... I lost myself in all of this ... I'm so tired
Need a breath
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 June 26th, 2020
...See more I'm exhausted. Had a major panic attack when my boss told me I could no longer take my mask off, even at my desk. My desk was my safe space since I sanitize it myself multiple times a day (yay working for the public.) Knowing I could go to my desk or my supervisors office to take my mask off and breathe allowed me to be at work without any issues. But as soon as my safe spaces were taken away (used to use the bathroom, but that's not even safe) I felt my body starting to panic. Did everything I could, grounded myself by spelling people's names backwards or counting down from 100 by 7's, taking breaths 4-7-8... Body is shaking, I think I'm nearing the point of no return and the next thing I remember I'm sitting across from my manager on the phone with my new psychiatrist's head nurse walking me through things and calming me down. I'm still not used to people genuinely caring about my well-being, even from my job... But today I had both. They're doing the heavy lifting and filling out emergency Covid leave for me. Is this... What getting myself put back together feels like? It's been so long that it's hard for me to tell but something is telling me that... Yes, it is.
First Day Back at Work
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 June 6th, 2020
...See more This wasn't fun... My job has had me stay home since this COVID pandemic started and today was my first day back... and I couldn't do it. I have two other high risk family members living with me so I wear a mask every time I go out. I have probably only wore my mask for 15 minutes at a time, so no big deal. 30 minutes into the workday and I'm struggling to breathe through this thing, and it slowly started to feel... worse. I tried grounding myself not sure what was going on by identifying objects, scents and colors around me but it became too much too fast... it felt like my dad was smothering me again and I couldn't breathe... I was shaking and it felt like I was looking into his eyes again. My management team is aware of this happening every once and again (probably the most supportive I've ever seen.) So, out of concern for my safety and well-being ... I was sent home with an Emergency Leave form to fill out. This makes me feel ridiculous... 22 year old being sent home from work because he's crying about what his dad did to him when he was younger...
Like a train? (My thought process)
Trauma Support / by TransparentPuzzle
Last post
 May 20th, 2020
...See more I've been working extremely hard towards my recovery from what my dad did, and I experienced something new last night; not in a bad way... I've struggled being able to identify my emotions for quite some time and last night I think... I was able to know how I was feeling... This is my thought process don't get scared lol. I was laying in bed playing Xbox (that's my de-stress) and it felt like someone plugging my emotions into a power strip, one by one. I started identifying how I was feeling to my partner out loud... then it felt like a train wreck... Clarity. I believe it's clarity, and it feels amazing. I cried and released the numbness while my partner held me. Is this what recovery feels like..?
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