Imaginatively named diary
Of all the words, theres lots of them
The worst word I could name
In all the English language
Without a doubt its shame
It ties you down, it suffocates
It clips your wings of flight
It sucks the air right out your lungs
And robs the room of light
And worst of all, it wont let go
It digs its claws in you
It seeps into your every thought
And everything you do
And even though I hear it said
Its not my shame to hold
It feels like so much part of me
Its mine until Im old
I wish that as a child Id not
Accepted it as me
I wish Id fought, I wish Id won
I wish I could be free
And so I found my inner child
She makes me cry a lot
Emotions I
@BestIcanbe
Wow, its amazing to follow you and see the progress you are making
Thanks for sharing this journy with us,
Big safe hugs (if you want them)
@nolongerafraid
Your timing is impeccable. Thank you ❤️
@BestIcanbe
Good! 💖
How do you feel when yourself is a stranger
Someone that youve only just met
The bloody inner child buried deep for years
Whose attitude just leads to more upset
Shes angry, shes sad, her feelings are so raw
And shes throwing them at me thick and fast
And my overwhelming feeling isnt happiness to meet her
But a wish that Id left her in the past
Memories that cut through my brain like a knife
Times of despair and not wanting my life
Thoughts overwhelming with trouble and strife
Brother you did this to me
Feelings of worthlessness, having no voice
Knowing that I
Silenced and censored, you learn not to speak
For nobody cares either way.
Happened when young, now it
The shitstorm is brewing
The doormat is dead
Theres stuff I need doing
To sort out my head
No more agreeing
Being told what to do
Its time for new thinking
That I matter too.
No poetry, just shame.
So I met with the counsellor, shared more than I ever did before. Why did I do that? What good did I hope would come from it? Or was it just that I wanted to shame myself further? Share that self loathing.
If only she werent so bloody nice about it. If only shed say ‘you did what?! If only there were some sort of honest reaction. Something sincere to reflect the disgust at what went on. So I knew where I stood. So I could hate myself without question. Familiar feelings. But instead Im left with only questions, no answers. Too many blanks, too many avenues to get lost down. Too much for my brain to think about.
And yet Im meant to function. Two hours from now Im meant to turn on the perfect partner charm. The loving step mum. The competent manager. Capable, strong, respectable. And yet Im none of those things. Im just a filthy whore.
@BestIcanbe I was reading this and it really made me a bit angry. I am trying to find the right words to respond. Kite is right, like really???
What these b*stards did to you was not your fault. Your reactions at the time and the way you chose to respond to all this was not your fault either. I am pretty certain that you did not choose for this. To survive this you had to make choices but you did not have many options, did you?
But you do now, Best! And you are doing really well too. I bet you are an amazing partner, great step mom, awesome manager.
It actually is good that you start talking about this and that these lies you believe about yourself come to the surface. Because it means you can heal and have those lies replaced with truth. I am proud of you and I think you are awesome! 
@BestIcanbe
Oh Best ❤️
You are so wrong, you are nothing close to what you are saying. But I get where you are coming from, I do.
I won't be adding much here, as so much thoughtful, kind and true has already been written.
Just know that we are here for you, for the lovely, deep and brave girl expressing her feelings and journey in these wonderful poems, that's who we see, who you are, not a filthy whore