Imaginatively named diary

Maybe I didnt shout loudly enough

Or be clear with the words that I said

Maybe I gave a whispered response

Or spoke quietly in my own head

Maybe my wishes just didnt count

But instead just the needs of another

Maybe he thought I was his to be used

The privilege of being big brother

Maybe I thought this was what loves about

And liked that he cared about me

Maybe I just did what I was told

And accepted its all meant to be

Or maybe he raped me, abused me and hurt

Maybe his actions appall

Maybe its him that should be ashamed

Its maybe not my fault at all

Will you trust me inner child, Im here to heal not hurt
Youve spent too long down in this hole, just staring at the dirt
I know that you felt all alone, no-one to hear your pain
Im here and Im listening now, and wont leave you again
Tell me how life was for you, how I can help you now
Let me lift that burden off, well muddle through somehow

Fuck off you bitch, you left me here!
Nowhere to feel secure
With not a thought for what I face
And all that I endure.

You think that youre all adult now
With wisdom and a heart
So tell me, why abandon me?
And keep us far apart.

What is it now, dont like the truth?
To feel unloved is hard
But youre the one who left me here
Hurt, abused and scarred.

So fuck off now, leave me alone!
I cant help you to mend
After what youve done to me
Youll never be my friend.

You cut me off for all this time
You make me want to hurl
Im not a slut, a slag, a whore
But just a little girl.

@wizeakre

Thats a good point you raise Wize, and yes, it does tend to be those people you feel safest with that you feel you can lash out verbally towards. Wow, Id not considered that. Thank you.

If Im honest I dont even get if this is adult me and child me, or just me role playing, or if Im having some sort of mental breakdown. Im being encouraged by a therapist to breakthrough to my inner child and listen to her, but I really dont know how to! But poetry does allow me to give voice to those more difficult feelings, so Im running with that for now.

Thanks so much for being there.

If you

@wizeakre

Do you know, I spotted your first response earlier today, and didnt have time to respond. But it crossed my mind you may start to second guess yourself. Ive seen what youre like! I wish now Id leapt in there to say what I thought. Your response was just perfect, incredibly intelligent, astute, and my goodness, you speak a lot of sense! I love how you open my eyes to stuff Ive blinkered myself to. And I completely value what you write. Please dont disappear.

Nobody heard the scream
Does that mean it didnt happen
Or just no one was listening?

Nobody saw the pain
Does that mean it wasnt there
Or just no one was looking?

Nobody saw beyond the mask
Does that mean all was well
Or just no one cared?

The worthless child,
heard by no one,
seen by no one,
cared for by no one .

Just a nobody in no ones world

No one ever asked how I felt
Like my thoughts never mattered
It left me empty, scared, confused
Self esteem just shattered

No one ever asked how I was
Did life treat me alright
How could they fail to see the truth
There lived a child in fright

No one ever asked what went on
My spirit lost for good
The light went out behind my eyes
Yet no one understood

Was I ever worth caring about
When much was robbed and gone
Daughter, sister, little girl
Or was I just no one?

You make me sick my inner child
I know it

@wizeakre

I hope so Wize, but shes so full of hate, and Im letting her take over. Its been a very shouty weekend, not nice.

Let

I called him the runt of the litter
I called him a girl and a she
I bullied him just like his father
Thats why my brother raped me

You proved youre a man then my brother
I deserved what I got in your view
You walked away with your conscience so clean
Whilst Im filthy all the way through

@wizeakre

You see an innocent and scared child, I see the precocious brat I was. If nothing else, life cured me of that.

Why does a father have children
When he just wants to tear them apart
What does he think he can give them
As a sadist who

Carefree, younger me
Be anything I want to be

Bad dad, makes son feel sad
Takes all the self esteem he had

Silly me, calls brother ‘she
But notes it fills her dad with glee

I try to please, I laugh and tease
But theres no fun in jokes like these

Dad now calls the boy the runt
Sisters just a silly cunt
Its time for her to bear the brunt
The consequence of this affront

He does the deed, fulfils his need
Ignored the words she used to plead
Is he proud he made her bleed
Or that he plants his filthy seed

Silent, angry, shocked and raw
No one cared, no one saw

So now shes lost her silly game
She knows that she must take the blame
Punishment becomes the aim
And now begins her life of shame

Carefree, younger me
No longer free

Imagine what its like to be

Living with my liberty

With self respect and dignity

To not be an apology

Theres one thing I can guarantee

Id make the most of being free

Please someone grant me this one plea

Let me be new and not be me

What

Ever thought what makes a dad
Let

You so hurt me
I want to hate you
Yet my feelings are confused
When I see you
Do you see me
The young girl who you abused?

Are you guilty?
Do you regret it?
Or was it something I deserved?
You know you

@wizeakre

Ive been rereading this thread, and I realise Ive responded so little to your consistently supportive and kind responses. I think you often leave me lost for words as youre so astute. I feel almost transparent at times, like Im sharing too much of myself and people can see right through me.

But Wize, I had my epiphany today. I found my inner child, we connected, I felt her pain and allowed her/me to cry. And it was raw hurt. Inconsolable pain. But strangely I feel better for having allowed it out. Your support has helped me through this thread, and I thank you for sticking by me and helping me find my tears.

@wizeakre

Tranparent like Ive over shared, too much of me on display. Left myself too open, too vulnerable.

Yes, the emotion was a howl, but I do feel kind of hopeful and positive :)

And so I found my inner child
She makes me cry a lot
Emotions I

@BestIcanbe

*hugs*

@indigoBeing9907

Thank you. Your hugs are very timely and enormously appreciated x

@BestIcanbe

Wow, its amazing to follow you and see the progress you are making

Thanks for sharing this journy with us,

Big safe hugs (if you want them)

Awww, thanks @LoveFromSara

I hope my meanderings havent been too much for you. Its been a very self indulgent thread, but incredibly therapeutic.

I love hugs, so get over here. My arms are open :)

@nolongerafraid

Your timing is impeccable. Thank you ❤️

@BestIcanbe

Good! 💖

How do you feel when yourself is a stranger

Someone that youve only just met

The bloody inner child buried deep for years

Whose attitude just leads to more upset

Shes angry, shes sad, her feelings are so raw

And shes throwing them at me thick and fast

And my overwhelming feeling isnt happiness to meet her

But a wish that Id left her in the past

Memories that cut through my brain like a knife
Times of despair and not wanting my life
Thoughts overwhelming with trouble and strife
Brother you did this to me

Feelings of worthlessness, having no voice
Knowing that I

@wizeakre

You sound like you

@wizeakre

Artistic secrets ...... 😂

The first line just popped into my head, and the rest just flowed. How about you? Do you write poetry? How does it come to you?

Silenced and censored, you learn not to speak
For nobody cares either way.
Happened when young, now it

@wizeakre

Hey, no sorries Wize. Thanks for always being there, and being you.

The shitstorm is brewing
The doormat is dead
Theres stuff I need doing
To sort out my head
No more agreeing
Being told what to do
Its time for new thinking
That I matter too.

I long for peace within my head
My dad, my main abuser

No poetry, just shame.

So I met with the counsellor, shared more than I ever did before. Why did I do that? What good did I hope would come from it? Or was it just that I wanted to shame myself further? Share that self loathing.

If only she werent so bloody nice about it. If only shed say ‘you did what?! If only there were some sort of honest reaction. Something sincere to reflect the disgust at what went on. So I knew where I stood. So I could hate myself without question. Familiar feelings. But instead Im left with only questions, no answers. Too many blanks, too many avenues to get lost down. Too much for my brain to think about.

And yet Im meant to function. Two hours from now Im meant to turn on the perfect partner charm. The loving step mum. The competent manager. Capable, strong, respectable. And yet Im none of those things. Im just a filthy whore.

@BestIcanbe I was reading this and it really made me a bit angry. I am trying to find the right words to respond. Kite is right, like really???

What these b*stards did to you was not your fault. Your reactions at the time and the way you chose to respond to all this was not your fault either. I am pretty certain that you did not choose for this. To survive this you had to make choices but you did not have many options, did you?

But you do now, Best! And you are doing really well too. I bet you are an amazing partner, great step mom, awesome manager.

It actually is good that you start talking about this and that these lies you believe about yourself come to the surface. Because it means you can heal and have those lies replaced with truth. I am proud of you and I think you are awesome!

@BestIcanbe

Oh Best ❤️

You are so wrong, you are nothing close to what you are saying. But I get where you are coming from, I do.

I won't be adding much here, as so much thoughtful, kind and true has already been written.

Just know that we are here for you, for the lovely, deep and brave girl expressing her feelings and journey in these wonderful poems, that's who we see, who you are, not a filthy whore

@wizeakre

Your kindness and thoughtfulness just floors me at times. Everyones does really. I suppose when youve grown up being told you dont deserve kindness, and not being shown a great deal of it from those sources that have a huge influence on you, it seeps into your subconscious that youre not worthy, or youre bad in some way. And though there are many days I can see Im not bad, I still find it hard when anyone is considerate towards me. It challenges the thought I find hard to shake, that somehow I dont deserve it. I dont deserve the good parts of my life, and inevitably I will lose them. The current issues in the trauma community are a loss, and just serve to fulfil that belief. Which then makes other beliefs that I try not to give time to, well it makes them seem more real too. Hence this constant sense of being pulled under - dont let your head get carried away with thinking youre worthwhile, because otherwise something will come along to prove youre not worthy. So random kindnesses, like yours, they floor me because they go against that thinking. And that means such a lot.