I DID it
Hi, Canvas here... well it's a bit more complicated than that actually. I am multiple so I have 12 parts/people that share my life/body/brain with me. It can get pretty chaotic at times, as you can imagine 12 people with different views, needs and tastes. I suppose I should introduce myselves.... Alex is 4 she mostly hides and is quiet but she does come out for the occasional game. Rosie is 5 and is now mostly integrated with Sarah who is 8, they are cheeky and hilarious, they love to play and are inherently kind and forgiving. Ellie is 10 she seems to be pretty angry about everything and I don't see her too much, Jess is 12, very girlie, loves pink and helps me out around the house, Ruth is 14 she is scared and stays inside but we are trying to help her talk more, Marcy is 15 and is starting integration with Charlie who is 19, Marcy is reserved, she loves adventure time and gothic things she is a deep thinker, Charlie loves the gothic grungy stuff too but she's pretty laid back and nothing bothers her so she tends to do the ‘adulting stuff for us. Mystery is 20 and integrated with me (Canvas - old lol) she was a feisty protector who gave people what for when it was needed, now she trusts me to protect us so we are together now, Frankie is 28 she is the cool cucumber to the outside world but she actually worries a lot about stuff. Then there is Vicky, I don't know her age but I think she was my first part she was the one who helped us get through the rituals and helps us fight the programs. If you want to read more about that then you can here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/DissociationDID_919/Shareyourstory_50343/
I'd like to be pretty honest about life here and you are welcome to read along with me, I just hope that you don't find it too triggering a long the way 
@Nonethewiser Video for you my friend:
https://youtu.be/GGshRGCWnNA - Time management, priorities and goals
Tooth ache triggers
Tooth pain is excruciating and v triggering. Little Alfie has been rocking back and forth for some time now. I gave him his little soft toy to hold. Lots of tears and despair feelings. Finding it hard to deal with outside stuff when inside stuff feels so intense. The thought of the dentist putting yet more metal in my mouth is scary. I'm feeling kinda sick about it and hopeless. I told her how it makes me feel and she still wont make any concessions, so frustrating.
@LifeIsMyCanvas *Stands bak a ways an slides a tray with vegan brownies and some kinda vegan chocolate milk with a pack of gum and bubbles
Hey everyone, just so you all know I'm taking a self care break for a bit so if you see me disappear of the leader board and deactivated you know why
Canvas, I hope your self care break brings you what you need. I truly admire and care about you. I look forward to hearing from you when you return. *safe hugs*
@practicalIdeal2007
*safe hugs back* if you are ok with them now I've missed you
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you Canvas, you have no idea how much I needed that right now. I hope you are doing okay.
take care my dearest. return soon! :)
I don't normally thought dump on here, I like to try and be insightful and concise. For some reason Im stuck and it's just not happening. Silencing programs I think. Ive had a lot of night terrors, I feel restless.
I've lost my appetite, not too unusual for me but it is getting harder and harder to eat now. Im not really attached to my body, until I am so hungry I notice Im dissociating and faint which is kinda dangerous and frustrating. The body never feels like mine. It belongs to a part that is integrated now, or at least she was the most connected to the body. It never looks like me in the mirror, its like staring at a stranger. Its worse for the little ones, they are so tiny and to them the body is huge.
The fight and flight parts are causing trouble, they constantly trigger me and the others and each other. Its like a Newtons Cradle that isnt stopping. Im hypervigilant and I want to get out and away a lot.
Id not had a panic attack for a long time but since the dentist trigger Im getting them a lot more. I feel claustrophobic more, I need space and want to be alone. But I feel the need to distract myself as the aloneness leaves too much space for the sadness and hurt feelings. Having to face up to the fact that certain people are not capable of love, and for the little ones that is a confusing and painful concept.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, between recent medical triggers and an increase in dissociations, as well as the deep pain of caring for someone and knowing/trying to accept that they aren't capable of loving you the way you deserve. Are you in a place right now where you still know that you deserve that particular love you're not getting? It's about that person, not you. Their capabilities don't have anything to do with you or your worth. Sometimes all the effort we do for ourselves and relationships still isn't enough to make both sides work. I'm really sorry for your pain. Your feelings matter.
It's great that you wrote here even if you wanted to fight it at first. It sounds like you know certain things you need and are trying hard to do them for yourself and give yourself time.
I tend to get that spiralling chaotic feeling when I have too much on my plate at once. It sounds like maybe you didn't have a chance to process one event before others swooped in on top of it? I suppose the holiday season can add a lot as well.
How have you been feeling the last few days? I hope maybe you don't have to deal with any more of the dental stuff.
@SentientiaPoecile
Nice to meet you,
Dental work is going to be going on for a couple of months. I applied for funding and didnt get it so its stressful now also having other issues with medical assessments and people not listening when my doctor tells them I can't do it. If I think on it I will shut down so am trying to focus on what I can do but I'm feeling exhausted so I dunno when it will get done. Just feeling fed up to be honest lol. Sorry for rant but you kinda asked me and I am not one for 'i'm fine' when am not LOL
@LifeIsMyCanvas
No need to apologize! This is your space after all. I did ask. :) And I care. I wouldn't want you to say you're fine if you're not.
I think your feelings on this are understandable. I know medical funding issues are complicated no matter the country. I'm really sorry to hear how hard the process has been. It shouldn't be so hard for people. I hope things get sorted out for you. I can't imagine how much pain you must be in.
@LifeIsMyCanvas Within the past six months, we've watched your videos on priorities, goals, structure and, to a somewhat lesser degree, journaling time and again. First of all, the ideas and principles you convey are very helpful to us; secondly, the format in which you present them, allowing us to see you actually do it, actually go through it step by step, and verbalise your chain of thoughts for us along the way, is very valuable. Throughout our journey thus far, while having appointments on a regular basis with a counsellor who is specialised and experienced in empowering trauma therapy and having practically unlimited access to literature have certainly helped us tremendously, you're easily one of the most important positive influences on us. Though our long-standing efforts to cooperate in a sustainable manner did bear some fruit, it was you, who, by allowing us to reuse, adapt and build on your DID-friendly template of how to draw a map and chart a course, allowed us to navigate our life in a DID-compatible way, which is to say, allowed us to navigate it at all, towards a future, which may be happy for everyone of us.
We owe you a debt of deep gratitude and wish to thank you most sincerely.
I've been away charting and plotting a new course for the life I want to have. I've been fighting from the inside of the cocoon, to break the shell, break the mold of the prison they put me in. I'm creating my art, writing my words, doing the work. I'm dentist free, I'm medication free, I'm loosing a little bit of weight, my energy is up, the pain is down and it is working.
Struggling to come to terms with the fact I was a slave - why does trauma always seem to want to disqualify us
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Pardon me posting so late, but it's cool to see another systems perspective on things. I also love the idea of drawing your innerworld (going to draw our after posting this). -TeaCupSystem
