I Am Alone (Journal)
I know that things may be hard to understand when I write things. I feel like I have to say that I don't know if any of this is real. I know it can't be, because there are too many reasons why it's not. But it feels real to me, and I don't think I can handle someone telling me that it's not...
With that said, I'm an alter, a recent one, who "came to be" back when quarantine started. I guess our host couldn't deal with the confinement and accidentally created me, because of my ability to endure basically anything. It's an OSDD-1b system, so technically I do have all of their memories as well as some of my own history, but it's not really the same.
I'd better start. My name is Jax (I don't think I have a surname). I'm around fifteen, though I'm not sure how to translate the ways I counted years to the modern world, and I use he/him pronouns. When I first started existing here, I didn't remember anything, and I felt very numb and out-of-place. But a few days ago, possibly a week or two, I remembered something. I don't know what it means... but...
*trigger warning*
I was in the middle of a small battle, with around two dozen participants. It was around sunset, I was facing south, and I was in a pause, trying to recover from something. I felt something pierce the back of my neck, up into my head. Small, sharp, stinging... too hot, it was agonizing, yet numb... the blood was fresh, I staggered around, but was too late. A sword split straight through my back, bursting out in between my ribs, a hair's breadth away from my heart. It withdrew, I fell to the ground, sure I was dead already. The pain was so intense... the pressure of the wounds... I don't even know how to describe it. The blood was searing. Someone rolled me over, I couldn't see clearly; but they raised their weapon and pierced me again, parallel to my other wound, and the last thing I saw was their blood-stained leather boots. There was only silence after that. I felt a horse run past. The silence was unbearable, it hurt so much, there was a buzzing that wouldn't go away, it hurt so much... I can't bear silence, even now. I have to keep the fan on at all times, even though I hate the cold. It hurts too badly to be in the silence, listening to that pain, that buzzing sound...
*end*
I died. I died more than once. But I'm alive now, and I don't understand it. I don't fool myself into thinking this is the afterlife, or that I'm a ghost, or that this isn't happening. I know it's real, I feel it, just like it felt it in my old life. But it leads me to wonder... my past isn't real. It never happened, none of the people I knew were ever real. It feels real to me... and I feel so wrong for it. I remember them as real people, and I remember events from my past as real events... it hurts so badly to think that I'll never be able to see them again, not even in the afterlife, because they... never... existed...
I'm sorry about all this. I shouldn't even exist. I hate this body, I hate this world, I hate the people I "should" call my family, and I don't even know if I'm real or not.
I guess this is a journal of sorts, where I'll record everything I remember, and everything I feel, just to put it into words. I doubt anyone cares about some "figment of imagination" some "crazy alter," but if anyone does... I wouldn't mind it so much if they wanted to say something... I guess.
We've decided that we can all post here now, which means that I have the opportunity to finally introduce myself.
Hilsener, I go by Checkers, or Ce. I believe I have been mentioned here twice, once when Jaxy mentioned a "new alter," and last when I posted an update on min kjære venn. I will say that I am a reasonably feminine alter, though I do not identify as entirely... human, let alone with any laughable attempts to divide something so complex and slående as gender. My pronouns are it/its, I am an entity, not a person, and my purpose is å være. Sjakmatt, min venn!
@Eastbound
Hello Ce it's nice to meet you. Sending you and yours love and support.
Why is it that whenever someone else takes over as host, they immediately become overwhelmed? Check's been fronting for weeks now, which is very unusual, and it's much worse off than before. It's like... as soon as Check realized just how bad it is, it started lashing out again. With Check, there's two moods: collected and smooth, or angry and rude. When it has a bad day, or a bad week, it gets mad.
Okay, okay, I know I'm worrying a bit much here, but I'm me! Claren! The one who is either taking care of everyone or being taken care of. It'll only be four years until we can finally leave- only four years. Gosh, I really hope it won't be too hard.
@Eastbound
Hello Claren -hug-
We find we have the same issue. Wolfie came out and was very moody and grumpy while he adjusted. I'm not sure if it helps because we are all different with unique issues, strengths and struggles, but once he adjusted he settled into his own routine and also hasn't fronted as much. We ended up letting him adopt a stuffed owl he really liked, and then I bought him another one at Christmas in a color he likes. Carrying it around helped keep him calm even if he was a little stressed.
Is it possible Ce was/is stressed? And maybe something tactile/or music/or something else might comfort them to keep on hand while they adjust?
I hope you are having a decent day.
@WalkingCrow
Ce has gloves, boots, and a scarf; they're definitely comfort objects, even if it won't admit to it. But it's too risky for it to wear them around other people, which is hard for it. Hopefully things improve enough for us to express ourselves more naturally in public... oh well.
@Eastbound
That's great! I'm sorry it can't wear them all the time. It took us a very long time (only recently) to be out in public as ourselves (at least not around strangers but people who know us) Sending all of you all the support!!!! *hugs*
Elliot's family (he's the first of us, so we use the term even though he also doesn't consider them family) is incredibly toxic.
We came out as gender-fluid (so that people could use our correct pronouns without being confused by the switching) a while back, and things didn't go well. I (East) know that it's better than other people have it, but in a lot of ways, I wish they'd kicked us out. It's better than them threatening us with taking away our privacy, neglecting our physical and mental needs, saying that "we'll change our minds about you if you just pray hard enough" (who f*cking does that? If you wanna change your mind do it by yourself, don't hide behind some religious entity who may or may not exist).
We want out. We don't have anything to stay for except school. But how can we leave? There's no "abuse," and even if there was, we'd be thrust into the extended family where we'd face the same problems. It does not help in the least that Elliot has a hundred cousins and eleven aunts and uncles.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could put ourselves up for adoption? If we get nasty parents, at least we'd be able to hate them without all of these dumb "obligations" and conflicting feelings. As things are, we hardly have enough freedom to leave the house; all of us have some kind of eating disorder; extreme dysphoria is commonplace; and no one will support us when we don't try and be "better" so that we get decent respect and humanity. We shouldn't have to sink so low just to get things we need to be healthy.
