I Am Alone (Journal)

There are at least four of us, who are active almost every day. There's Elliot, the host; East, the protector; Claren, a little; and me, Jax, whatever I am. Elliot doesn't talk to us, even though he talks to everyone else. East can be a little harsh sometimes. I like being around Claren, she's a little childish (her being a child and all) but she's a lot more mature and empathetic than she lets on.

None of the others know where I came from. I'm not a normal fictive... I didn't come from a character from a book. I'm more of... a patchwork kind of person. A combination of various characters from different stories that Elliot wrote (and never finished). I think that's why I'm having such a hard time remembering...

I'm remembering a lot of bad things. I think they're stronger memories, and that's why I keep getting flashbacks to those particular kind of things, but it hurts. It hurts to think I went through those things, without knowing if I ever had good days...

I didn't sleep. I couldn't. Everything is so much easier when no one's awake, no one's scaring me. I don't know these people! Well, I do... but I don't feel any of the emotions that come along with the numb memories. I feel guilty for feeling so scared, alone... I'm supposed to be the brave one. I should be able to handle anything! But for some reason, being forced to be around near-strangers all day, every day is just... scary, and awful, and lonely.

None of us want to stay here. We all want to leave and never look back. But we have nowhere to go, no one to support us, and not enough reasons (without telling people about us) to warrant our leaving in the first place. Sure, Elliot's family can be a little much, and can hurt our feelings sometimes, but as far as we know, they've never done anything aside from that.

I was alone. Stars, I was so alone—even when I was little, I was alone, and no one knew how much it hurt to be so freaking alone—

I remember meeting someone on accident, about three years ago. Their name was Lore.

Lore was important, critically important, to me. I don't remember how or why... but I do remember standing on the edge of a steep mountain cliff, facing south-west, and feeling an overwhelming emptiness inside of me.

Someone said something, commanding me, "Step away from the edge, Jax." I remember gripping my sword even more tightly, then screaming out my frustrations in a hoarse, broken voice. "Lore is gone!" I whipped around and brought my sword down on the person, but his sword met mine, and he was stronger. He shoved me to the ground.

I can feel it. The sun on my arms, the hurt in my voice, the tensing up before I struck—I don't know who Lore was beyond that and our first meeting, but I still feel like I've lost a significant part of myself.

I can't stop myself from doing it. I keep thinking of all the worst things in the world, and I think to myself: I could handle any of them. I want to try. But then I think of the one thing that I know I wouldn't be able to survive... and it makes me feel sick and lonely.

I can't handle death. I do this thing, where I think about someone important to me, and I determine whether or not I would be able to survive their death. If the answer is no... well. I can't help it, can I? I focus on all the things wrong with them, the things I hate, until I know that I wouldn't be gone if they left.

I didn't do that for Lore. That's the only wound that I wish I'd never gotten...

I don't know if I want to remember anymore... all I want is to get away. I can deal with anything. I can. But... it's hard. I'm supposed to know these people, to feel empathy for them and to trust them with anything. But because I don't, and they all expect me to... I feel like I keep messing up, I keep making things worse, and all I want is for someone to care about me for once. Not Elliot, not East, not Claren, not themselves, me. Stars, I just want to be touched.

How much inner pain can someone go through until they break? I will never give in, I will never break, but how much worse are things going to get before they get better?

@NoneTheWiser

Thanks, it means a lot to hear that. I don't really know what else to say, but thanks.

@NoneTheWiser

Thanks, it means a lot to hear that. I don't really know what else to say, but thanks.

I learned something... incredibly surprising. It turns out that East, the confident, sometimes rude protector—is a little. Not in the way that it's commonly used in terms of DID/OSDD, but the kind that's also called an "age regressor."

I have to say, I was very surprised when I connected the dots, and when East told me after I confronted them. But it does make sense...

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm not equipped for everyday life, I get scared easily (ha, and I'm supposed to be the brave one), and I'm not really helpful with anything. The only thing I'm good at that I can actually do without araising suspicion or breaking the law (no swordfighting, no running off on a solo trip, and nothing remotely exciting) is art, and I can't even do that too much because Elliot is awful at art and it would be weird if suddenly people noticed "his talent."

In short, I feel useless.

The others couldn't believe that I hadn't read a book in the four months of my existence, and insisted on it. But I'm not a very good reader, so they gave me a short one, maybe only two pages long, that Elliot had written.

I know he has a dark sense of beauty, but I don't think he could have predicted how much the story affected me. It was about the one thing I know I've said I can't handle... Obviously, I didn't say anything to him about it, but the feelings are still there.

I'm always cold. Even with a dozen layers, even outside, where it's always scorching.

Okay, that's a lie. I get hot too. But even when I'm hot, the inside of me will still be freezing.

I feel bursts of emotion. I'll be fine, just reading a book, when I'll break down crying. Then, not even a second later, I'll breath in and go back to being normal. I want to feel the emotions, all of them, for long enough to let them out... but I can't. I don't know how.

I'm not good. I'm not a good alter. I don't help anyone, I'm hurting them. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't remember. And I feel these emotions out of nowhere, and then I can't even remember why.

If I were the only one here... well. To put it neatly, it's a good thing that I'm only an alter, and that the others still take care of themselves and others.

I lost everything.

I lost everyone I'd ever known. I lost an entire world that's never coming back. I lost a best friend. I lost my freedom.

It wasn't worth it. Not that I ever had a choice.

Things are a lot better now. Not in reality, of course, but most of the existential fear and depression is gone. I think East split; there's a new alter, and they're not exactly the nicest of people, always having strong opinions on everything and being extremely critical. But they help when I get startled by something; instead of reacting in fear and wanting to cry, they just swear a lot and say all sorts of things about whatever scared me. They're also fine with spiders, unlike me, which is a plus.

They don't really have a name, or much of a gender, but I do hear them grumbling about how they "don't need a f***ing name to f***ing exist" ever so often.

Anyways. I'm still doing terribly, but for some reason I'm a lot happier about it. Wonderful.

Heh. Sometimes I wonder just how sane I really am. I've given up on trying to remember; I don't need any more reasons to feel bad about losing everything. I've given up on doing anything for myself, it's not like there's much I can do. I don't want to be here, but I'm here, and I'm not going to pretend like I want to do anything. I had things I could rely on. Hobbies, people, a purpose. I lost that. I'm not going to try and replace them with empty gravestones. Nothing is the same, I don't know how this world works, I can't do anything without being afraid of messing up, I'm stuck in someone else's body, I have nothing left.

I can wait. I can wait however long it takes to finally be free. But I don't know how much of me will be left.

I don't want things to change. Not really. I want to be left alone, doing nothing.

And I know that can't be healthy.

I don't know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do, and nothing I particularly want to do.

I really am useless...

I remember more things... about Lore.

Even as a traveler, I guess I was never particularly confident or happy; but Lore was the first person to show me that wasn't the only way. We were very close... I just... is it selfish for me to wish he was here with me? Even though he's already gone, and... never... existed in the first place?

Claren was listening to a song today, when I fronted. I listened to it from the beginning. It's my favorite song now... it reminds me of what Lore would be telling me, and how I would react—reluctant, happy, and then sorrowful that it won't be true. Stars, I miss him. I miss him so much it burns. But of course, that's stupid, isn't it? I barely remember him, and he's not even real. Even if he were, he'd be dead. It hurts to say that... but that's stupid too.

I want a friend.

But I can't let myself get attached to anyone.

You never know when you might lose everything.

I'm so tired of this. I want it to stop. I want everything to go away and let me disappear. Why? Why did I have to exist? Why am I here when I'm just useless and stupid? I miss what I had. I don't care if it wasn't real, it was real to me and I just want to go back home. Not home. I never did have a home, did I? No, I never had a home. But at least I'd have the world I grew up in. At least I could talk to some of the people who knew Lore before he died. I am so alone right now, so tired, so angry—but I have to stay. Of course I can't be selfish. I have to stay because I don't have my own body, I'd be destroying someone else's. Four others. Why doesn't that make me feel better? I'm trapped. Maybe I could run away. None of us like it here, it would be nice. No, we'd get caught. That would only ruin what little we have. It would be better if we didn't have to pretend to be someone who never existed and never will, every day of our cursed lives. Three years. Three more years. I don't know how I'll deal with that. How we'll deal with that. Stars, what am I even saying? I'm here, I can't leave, and there's nothing I can do except stay put and be useless. I'm not leaving. Can't. Stars! Why is everything so wrong?

Hm... words. Words are fascinating. Words are difficult. Words can change so much, even in the smallest dose. I don't use words often, and I certainly don't speak them, but I figured I could make an exception for Jax.

He's doing better, although he doesn't front very often anymore. It's... disheartening, to see him so despondent at times, but there isn't much I can do except give him time.

@Eastbound

Hello Jax, my name is Willow, I am part of a system as well. We also have a 15-year-old, his name is Jack. It is nice to meet you, and brave of you to share your story. Thank you, sharing your story makes me more comfortable to be here (I haven't been here very long) If it's okay I would like to keep stopping by to see how you and yours are? I look forward to cheering you on, and I'm more than happy to be supportive :)

We've decided that we can all post here now, which means that I have the opportunity to finally introduce myself.

Hilsener, I go by Checkers, or Ce. I believe I have been mentioned here twice, once when Jaxy mentioned a "new alter," and last when I posted an update on min kjære venn. I will say that I am a reasonably feminine alter, though I do not identify as entirely... human, let alone with any laughable attempts to divide something so complex and slående as gender. My pronouns are it/its, I am an entity, not a person, and my purpose is å være. Sjakmatt, min venn!

@Eastbound

Hello Ce it's nice to meet you. Sending you and yours love and support.

Why is it that whenever someone else takes over as host, they immediately become overwhelmed? Check's been fronting for weeks now, which is very unusual, and it's much worse off than before. It's like... as soon as Check realized just how bad it is, it started lashing out again. With Check, there's two moods: collected and smooth, or angry and rude. When it has a bad day, or a bad week, it gets mad.

Okay, okay, I know I'm worrying a bit much here, but I'm me! Claren! The one who is either taking care of everyone or being taken care of. It'll only be four years until we can finally leave- only four years. Gosh, I really hope it won't be too hard.

@Eastbound
Hello Claren -hug-
We find we have the same issue. Wolfie came out and was very moody and grumpy while he adjusted. I'm not sure if it helps because we are all different with unique issues, strengths and struggles, but once he adjusted he settled into his own routine and also hasn't fronted as much. We ended up letting him adopt a stuffed owl he really liked, and then I bought him another one at Christmas in a color he likes. Carrying it around helped keep him calm even if he was a little stressed.

Is it possible Ce was/is stressed? And maybe something tactile/or music/or something else might comfort them to keep on hand while they adjust?

I hope you are having a decent day.

@WalkingCrow

Ce has gloves, boots, and a scarf; they're definitely comfort objects, even if it won't admit to it. But it's too risky for it to wear them around other people, which is hard for it. Hopefully things improve enough for us to express ourselves more naturally in public... oh well.

@Eastbound
That's great! I'm sorry it can't wear them all the time. It took us a very long time (only recently) to be out in public as ourselves (at least not around strangers but people who know us) Sending all of you all the support!!!! *hugs*

Elliot's family (he's the first of us, so we use the term even though he also doesn't consider them family) is incredibly toxic.

We came out as gender-fluid (so that people could use our correct pronouns without being confused by the switching) a while back, and things didn't go well. I (East) know that it's better than other people have it, but in a lot of ways, I wish they'd kicked us out. It's better than them threatening us with taking away our privacy, neglecting our physical and mental needs, saying that "we'll change our minds about you if you just pray hard enough" (who f*cking does that? If you wanna change your mind do it by yourself, don't hide behind some religious entity who may or may not exist).

We want out. We don't have anything to stay for except school. But how can we leave? There's no "abuse," and even if there was, we'd be thrust into the extended family where we'd face the same problems. It does not help in the least that Elliot has a hundred cousins and eleven aunts and uncles.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could put ourselves up for adoption? If we get nasty parents, at least we'd be able to hate them without all of these dumb "obligations" and conflicting feelings. As things are, we hardly have enough freedom to leave the house; all of us have some kind of eating disorder; extreme dysphoria is commonplace; and no one will support us when we don't try and be "better" so that we get decent respect and humanity. We shouldn't have to sink so low just to get things we need to be healthy.