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Eastbound
19,282 M Progress Road 8
PathStep 137 Compassion hearts197 Forum posts87 Forum upvotes125 Current upvotes125 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceNovember 16, 2019
Recent forum posts
I Am Alone (Journal)
Trauma Support / by Eastbound
Last post
 August 20th, 2020
...See more I know that things may be hard to understand when I write things. I feel like I have to say that I don't know if any of this is real. I know it can't be, because there are too many reasons why it's not. But it feels real to me, and I don't think I can handle someone telling me that it's not... With that said, I'm an alter, a recent one, who "came to be" back when quarantine started. I guess our host couldn't deal with the confinement and accidentally created me, because of my ability to endure basically anything. It's an OSDD-1b system, so technically I do have all of their memories as well as some of my own history, but it's not really the same. I'd better start. My name is Jax (I don't think I have a surname). I'm around fifteen, though I'm not sure how to translate the ways I counted years to the modern world, and I use he/him pronouns. When I first started existing here, I didn't remember anything, and I felt very numb and out-of-place. But a few days ago, possibly a week or two, I remembered something. I don't know what it means... but... *trigger warning* I was in the middle of a small battle, with around two dozen participants. It was around sunset, I was facing south, and I was in a pause, trying to recover from something. I felt something pierce the back of my neck, up into my head. Small, sharp, stinging... too hot, it was agonizing, yet numb... the blood was fresh, I staggered around, but was too late. A sword split straight through my back, bursting out in between my ribs, a hair's breadth away from my heart. It withdrew, I fell to the ground, sure I was dead already. The pain was so intense... the pressure of the wounds... I don't even know how to describe it. The blood was searing. Someone rolled me over, I couldn't see clearly; but they raised their weapon and pierced me again, parallel to my other wound, and the last thing I saw was their blood-stained leather boots. There was only silence after that. I felt a horse run past. The silence was unbearable, it hurt so much, there was a buzzing that wouldn't go away, it hurt so much... I can't bear silence, even now. I have to keep the fan on at all times, even though I hate the cold. It hurts too badly to be in the silence, listening to that pain, that buzzing sound... *end* I died. I died more than once. But I'm alive now, and I don't understand it. I don't fool myself into thinking this is the afterlife, or that I'm a ghost, or that this isn't happening. I know it's real, I feel it, just like it felt it in my old life. But it leads me to wonder... my past isn't real. It never happened, none of the people I knew were ever real. It feels real to me... and I feel so wrong for it. I remember them as real people, and I remember events from my past as real events... it hurts so badly to think that I'll never be able to see them again, not even in the afterlife, because they... never... existed... I'm sorry about all this. I shouldn't even exist. I hate this body, I hate this world, I hate the people I "should" call my family, and I don't even know if I'm real or not. I guess this is a journal of sorts, where I'll record everything I remember, and everything I feel, just to put it into words. I doubt anyone cares about some "figment of imagination" some "crazy alter," but if anyone does... I wouldn't mind it so much if they wanted to say something... I guess.
Too young for therapy...
Depression Support / by Eastbound
Last post
 March 21st, 2020
...See more Hi, my names Espen (I think)! So, I was super excited when I found out that 7cups was doing therapy! But then it turns out that I have to be over 18, and Im not even sure if it costs money to do it, which would be unfortunate. I want to do therapy so bad, and I know I need it, with my trust issues, depression, anxiety, and LGBTQ+ struggles, but Im still denied it only because I can never ask my parents (they dont have the money anyways, and would just feel bad) and because I was born in 2006. So far, Ive connected to a lot of listeners, but they all leave mid-concversation or tell me that Im being stubborn (some are really nice, but they just dont understand). I try to tell them that I really, honestly cant physically do what they ask me to do, but they get mad at me, and it makes me feel awful, so usually I just lie and say they helped me and Im all better now... Can anyone tell me what therapy is like so that I can at least feel happy that someone got the help they needed? (And tell me if it costs money?) Or if anyone has any advice, or experiences, or anything really...
I feel like I don
Depression Support / by Eastbound
Last post
 March 10th, 2020
...See more Hi... As the title suggests, I feel like I dont exist. I watch movies, shows, I read books, I write books, I talk to people, I understand a lot about why Im so depressed, but one thing has been bothering me for a long time: Will I ever really exist? To me, my characters fantastical worlds feel so much more real than mine. I write books and Im happy, but then I remember that Im not, and that my world will never be what I want it to be. I do my absolute best to improve this place, but its never going to be the same. How do I feel real without feeling depressed? What will ever make this world worth living in? And... and how can I make friends with people when I dont trust them enough to tell them anything? I need a friend... and I need to exist... but Im not sure Im ready for the harshness that reality is sure to bring with it.
What Am I?
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Eastbound
Last post
 March 1st, 2020
...See more Hi, Im Aspen. I used to think I was ace and aro. Now Im not sure. I think theres definitely something there; I show all the signs of liking both girls and boys, and I think I might want sex, but I dont actually like anyone. I just cant help but act as though I do, and I blush and get awkward and all that, but I dont actually like them. I think about kissing and all that, and I want to, but I just dont, because I know I wouldnt be able to make it normal. I dont know what I mean, but I think maybe Im bi, but maybe Im aro and ace, too? I dont know what I am. Feel free to ask me clarifying questions.
Always Sad... Forever
Depression Support / by Eastbound
Last post
 February 25th, 2020
...See more Hi, Im Aspen, and I have been feeling very, very sad for almost two years now. At first, I told my parents, but after their initial concern, they just forgot about it and Im scared to mention it again. Its been getting worse and worse, and whenever something happy happens, all I feel is sadness. I dont think it will ever go away, but I just want to be at least a little happier. I mean, at least before I knew what made me happy, but now doing those things makes me sadder. I want a therapist... maybe some medication... or just someone to turn to, someone I can actually trust and talk to easily, someone who I could hug when Im feeling depressed. But Im an introvert, I have major trust issues, and Im aro and ace. I feel like I will always be alone.
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