I Am Alone (Journal)
I know that things may be hard to understand when I write things. I feel like I have to say that I don't know if any of this is real. I know it can't be, because there are too many reasons why it's not. But it feels real to me, and I don't think I can handle someone telling me that it's not...
With that said, I'm an alter, a recent one, who "came to be" back when quarantine started. I guess our host couldn't deal with the confinement and accidentally created me, because of my ability to endure basically anything. It's an OSDD-1b system, so technically I do have all of their memories as well as some of my own history, but it's not really the same.
I'd better start. My name is Jax (I don't think I have a surname). I'm around fifteen, though I'm not sure how to translate the ways I counted years to the modern world, and I use he/him pronouns. When I first started existing here, I didn't remember anything, and I felt very numb and out-of-place. But a few days ago, possibly a week or two, I remembered something. I don't know what it means... but...
*trigger warning*
I was in the middle of a small battle, with around two dozen participants. It was around sunset, I was facing south, and I was in a pause, trying to recover from something. I felt something pierce the back of my neck, up into my head. Small, sharp, stinging... too hot, it was agonizing, yet numb... the blood was fresh, I staggered around, but was too late. A sword split straight through my back, bursting out in between my ribs, a hair's breadth away from my heart. It withdrew, I fell to the ground, sure I was dead already. The pain was so intense... the pressure of the wounds... I don't even know how to describe it. The blood was searing. Someone rolled me over, I couldn't see clearly; but they raised their weapon and pierced me again, parallel to my other wound, and the last thing I saw was their blood-stained leather boots. There was only silence after that. I felt a horse run past. The silence was unbearable, it hurt so much, there was a buzzing that wouldn't go away, it hurt so much... I can't bear silence, even now. I have to keep the fan on at all times, even though I hate the cold. It hurts too badly to be in the silence, listening to that pain, that buzzing sound...
*end*
I died. I died more than once. But I'm alive now, and I don't understand it. I don't fool myself into thinking this is the afterlife, or that I'm a ghost, or that this isn't happening. I know it's real, I feel it, just like it felt it in my old life. But it leads me to wonder... my past isn't real. It never happened, none of the people I knew were ever real. It feels real to me... and I feel so wrong for it. I remember them as real people, and I remember events from my past as real events... it hurts so badly to think that I'll never be able to see them again, not even in the afterlife, because they... never... existed...
I'm sorry about all this. I shouldn't even exist. I hate this body, I hate this world, I hate the people I "should" call my family, and I don't even know if I'm real or not.
I guess this is a journal of sorts, where I'll record everything I remember, and everything I feel, just to put it into words. I doubt anyone cares about some "figment of imagination" some "crazy alter," but if anyone does... I wouldn't mind it so much if they wanted to say something... I guess.
I lost everything.
I lost everyone I'd ever known. I lost an entire world that's never coming back. I lost a best friend. I lost my freedom.
It wasn't worth it. Not that I ever had a choice.
Things are a lot better now. Not in reality, of course, but most of the existential fear and depression is gone. I think East split; there's a new alter, and they're not exactly the nicest of people, always having strong opinions on everything and being extremely critical. But they help when I get startled by something; instead of reacting in fear and wanting to cry, they just swear a lot and say all sorts of things about whatever scared me. They're also fine with spiders, unlike me, which is a plus.
They don't really have a name, or much of a gender, but I do hear them grumbling about how they "don't need a f***ing name to f***ing exist" ever so often.
Anyways. I'm still doing terribly, but for some reason I'm a lot happier about it. Wonderful.
Heh. Sometimes I wonder just how sane I really am. I've given up on trying to remember; I don't need any more reasons to feel bad about losing everything. I've given up on doing anything for myself, it's not like there's much I can do. I don't want to be here, but I'm here, and I'm not going to pretend like I want to do anything. I had things I could rely on. Hobbies, people, a purpose. I lost that. I'm not going to try and replace them with empty gravestones. Nothing is the same, I don't know how this world works, I can't do anything without being afraid of messing up, I'm stuck in someone else's body, I have nothing left.
I can wait. I can wait however long it takes to finally be free. But I don't know how much of me will be left.
I don't want things to change. Not really. I want to be left alone, doing nothing.
And I know that can't be healthy.
I don't know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do, and nothing I particularly want to do.
I really am useless...
I remember more things... about Lore.
Even as a traveler, I guess I was never particularly confident or happy; but Lore was the first person to show me that wasn't the only way. We were very close... I just... is it selfish for me to wish he was here with me? Even though he's already gone, and... never... existed in the first place?
Claren was listening to a song today, when I fronted. I listened to it from the beginning. It's my favorite song now... it reminds me of what Lore would be telling me, and how I would react—reluctant, happy, and then sorrowful that it won't be true. Stars, I miss him. I miss him so much it burns. But of course, that's stupid, isn't it? I barely remember him, and he's not even real. Even if he were, he'd be dead. It hurts to say that... but that's stupid too.
I want a friend.
But I can't let myself get attached to anyone.
You never know when you might lose everything.
I'm so tired of this. I want it to stop. I want everything to go away and let me disappear. Why? Why did I have to exist? Why am I here when I'm just useless and stupid? I miss what I had. I don't care if it wasn't real, it was real to me and I just want to go back home. Not home. I never did have a home, did I? No, I never had a home. But at least I'd have the world I grew up in. At least I could talk to some of the people who knew Lore before he died. I am so alone right now, so tired, so angry—but I have to stay. Of course I can't be selfish. I have to stay because I don't have my own body, I'd be destroying someone else's. Four others. Why doesn't that make me feel better? I'm trapped. Maybe I could run away. None of us like it here, it would be nice. No, we'd get caught. That would only ruin what little we have. It would be better if we didn't have to pretend to be someone who never existed and never will, every day of our cursed lives. Three years. Three more years. I don't know how I'll deal with that. How we'll deal with that. Stars, what am I even saying? I'm here, I can't leave, and there's nothing I can do except stay put and be useless. I'm not leaving. Can't. Stars! Why is everything so wrong?
Hm... words. Words are fascinating. Words are difficult. Words can change so much, even in the smallest dose. I don't use words often, and I certainly don't speak them, but I figured I could make an exception for Jax.
He's doing better, although he doesn't front very often anymore. It's... disheartening, to see him so despondent at times, but there isn't much I can do except give him time.
@Eastbound
Hello Jax, my name is Willow, I am part of a system as well. We also have a 15-year-old, his name is Jack. It is nice to meet you, and brave of you to share your story. Thank you, sharing your story makes me more comfortable to be here (I haven't been here very long) If it's okay I would like to keep stopping by to see how you and yours are? I look forward to cheering you on, and I'm more than happy to be supportive :)
