Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
Sitting here thinking what is it I really want or need right now, and the only thing I can think of whilst I struggle through this is I wish that I had a mum I could turn to for comfort and support. I wish I had a mum who would hold my hand, give me a hug and tell me it will be alright. I wish something like this would make my mum want to protect me, however I know logically that she wouldn't, that she would confirm the thoughts in my head of it being my fault, she would remind me time and again that I asked for amd deserved this, which I didn't I don't think? I hate that I feel like a broken child who just wants a mum to love me and protect me right now, I've never wanted that before.. too many wishes that won't come true right now, I feel my heart breaking and my want being crumbled. Because I can't ever find that comfort in family that I kinda need right now. I have my friends here who mean so much to me, but right now as I sit broken I just wish I could have the comfort that I've never had before when things turn bad 😢
Hey Calm 😊 congratulations to your new diary, it's nice here, glittery 😊 would you like to keep it your private safe place or would you like us to comment? Both options are perfectly ok for me, we have more places to communicate 😁 just checking...
@courteousNorth5140
You wrote glimmer, I read glitter 😂 I'm a bit glittery I guess, sorry
@courteousNorth5140
Welcome to comment, 😊 yeah the fairy lights I have make it seem glittery in the dark lol..
@calmLake1999
*stumbles in and throws some glitter* yepp, like it here 😊
Letter to little me, I had started writing this a while ago, but struggled with accepting what I wrote however after this new situation, I can finally write this to 7 year old me, Its probs heaps scattered but I can see that little 7 year old me was so freaking strong and courageous even if I didnt believe it at the time.. I am struggling as an adult to cope with the after effects of something little me had to deal with on a daily basis, so if that isnt strength I dont know what is.. Onto finally learning forgiveness for me.
Dear little me,
First I need to say that I am so proud of you, I know you dont feel it now but you are strong, you are brave, you are courageous. None of what happened is your fault at all. You did the best you could in an environment that all the odds were against you. We are in for one hell of a ride, emotionally, physically and psychologically. I know you believe there is something wrong with you, but I promise there isnt, you are a kind, caring and loving little girl who is beating the odds. As an adult I can say and see this now, after our last hurdle which isnt little by any means, but has given me the perspective to finally let go of the blame I had for myself and little you. I am sorry I blamed us for so long, but intellectually I think we know very deep down that no it isnt our fault. I offer you the forgiveness that Ive refused for so long, I cant look in my heart and blame a 7 year old for speaking out, you did the right thing, you sought help when you needed it. I truly believe the fire inside of you burns far more brighter than the fire on the outside. There is no reasoning for the bad things that happen, but they have kept that passion burning inside of you. A little girl should never be put in the place to parent and protect her little sisters while dealing with abuse, and yes thats what it is sweetie, its abuse, it isnt normal, its not what the world accepts and we shouldnt accept that. If I as an adult could go back and save little you, I would. But alas that isnt the way the world works so instead I will keep the promises you made for us. We will be free, I wont let our voice be suppressed anymore. I love you even though there isnt anyone at the moment in your life who does, I am proud of you for doing the best you can. There is so much strength in protecting others when you could instead protect yourself, and that is something that makes you unique and precious to this world, and someone who should be very loved and cared for. And it will happen sweetie, I promise. It might not happen straight away but it will, I have already found us some people who really genuinely care for us and as scary as that thought is, its something little you deserves more than anything in this world. I will end this letter to little me with a reminder that you did nothing wrong, you are an amazing little girl with so much potential, I am proud of you for seeing the world through your own kind, caring eyes instead of through the way you were brought up, and taught to believe, that is a unique strength in itself. I love you even though it doesnt feel like we are lovable, I will keep the promises little you made. I wish I could offer you a protective hug and protect you from the bad and evil things, I forgive us for believing that we are at fault, for believing the bad things and for not being stronger. I let go of the blame that we have held for so long. I love you and will always protect you, I will keep that fighter spirit we have and continue to remain kind and caring. You will make it through this sweetie, and you will come out of this a beautiful, kind, protective human.
So much love, forever and always..
Adult Calm
Calm, that's such a wonderful and strong letter and I think you wrote down some really important things... Forgiving ourselves, our little selves, that's definitely sth we all have to do, realizing it wasn't our fault, neither as children nor as adults... I know how hurtful it is, to go back in time and hold your little you in your arms for a moment, we tend to push the memory away, try to ignore it as long as possible, but it is impossible in the long run, we have to make peace with our little selves, stop blaming ourselves for decisions we were forced to make as children, for things just happened to us cause we didn't have any control over it... We should have been protected, but for whatever reason, we haven't been and that's just not our fault...
I'm here Calm and I hear you *hugs* 💕💖
I've lost the spirit to be adventurous, I can't find that calm or peace I normally find on my cliffs and it kills me, I know it's still too soon to be thinking that I can get back to some sort of medium in my life, but it's crushing to know my self soothing techniques offer me nothing but despondance and sadness. I'm searching hard very hard for that strength that I know is buried inside, but I feel disheartened when I can't find it. Is there an answer to working through this that I've missed. Am I missing something important I had as a kid? Maybe I'm just disheartened because no matter how hard I fight I seem to fall back into this vicious cycle.. maybe being around people and trying to attempt some sort of normalcy isn't achievable for me. I know my spirit and Fire is lost at the moment. I dont have my typical willpower to get up and put the facade on. I'm showing my vulnerabilities to new unknown people, I don't think I can even muster the energy to try and pretend to be ok.. I've hidden and flighted from the support im being offered, and its something I'm pondering if I even deserve. I don't want to be a victim in my life anymore, I have a fighter spirit, I sense it but I can't find the fighter spirit at the moment. I'm lost and don't know how to find me. The only thing I seem to be able to do is sleep, Hide in my bed and just withdraw from people. I've been brave though in continuing to speak even when all I want to do is be silent, silent is what I'm used to doing but I'm breaking the rules by not, but I am not doing it for myself and what happened is a crime, so I speak, I listen and I try to do what those trying to help me want. I've been daily speaking to therapists to try and find me, and for once I'm actually honest when they ask how are you? My answer is I don't know or not okay.. ironic I never thought I'd ever be able to be honest with my feelings normal go to response is I'm okay or I'm fine or yep I'm alright, but I am not hiding my feelings, I have no energy to put the facade up. I don't have the energy to keep the walls up right now. I still not sure how to call first though. Being told to call when I need support but yeah no that's an impossibility for me, so I lie in bed struggling til they call me. I try to push myself a little each day but it is so overwhelmingly exhausting, every thing I do at this moment is exhausting...
@calmLake1999
Calm 💕💖 probably I shouldn't say I know how you feel, cause everybody is different, everybody feels different, so I'll tell you I understand how you feel... I am struggling with similar things, feeling like my life how it was has been taken away from me, like I lost a part of myself... And I understand how hard it is to accept the support you are offered... I've been thinking and over-thinking a lot lately, I've been pushing people away and then cried about being alone... And I think I just realized that I have to accept that there is help for me, that people who are telling me they are there, they really want to be there, cause either it is their job or they just care for me, for whatever reason... It doesn't matter how I'm seeing myself as unlovable, as I don't deserve it, they think I am lovable and I do deserve it and I care for those people, so they somehow have the right to be there for me... Don't know if that makes sense, my mind feels a bit like it's waking up atm, like there was this huge ball of wool and slowly it's unraveling... I don't have any solutions, neither for myself nor for you, all I have to offer is my hand, I'll be here, I'm trying my best to be your friend 💕💖
@courteousNorth5140
💖 I'll take your hand and it makes sense North, I just gah I didn't think id be here again and I don't know how I coped with this when I was younger, the younger me had a heck of a lot more strength than I do.. I'm sorry I keep flighting I appreciate you so much being my friend I just needed to take a break for me, not sure if you seen the post I put up about self caring... Though not sure if I self cared, but I did what was needed... Love ya North 💖💖
@calmLake1999
no apologies needed Calm, I totally understand that you need breaks sometimes, so don‘t worry about that.... and I actually thought a lot about the same thing the last days, why is what happened to me as an adult worse than what happened to me as a child, even if objectively it wasn‘t worse... why does it seem we handled it better as children... I think a reason is cause as children this was just our reality, we didn‘t knew anything else, we didn‘t have any other options, we had to cope, there wasn‘t even the option of giving up... and now it‘s like there are a billion options, therapies, no therapy, talking not talking, giving up not giving up, working on ourselves or not, accepting it, crying about it, fighting, flighting... those are all decisions, perhap unconscious decisions, but still, we have to make them every day... that‘s why it seems to be more difficult imo....
I‘m glad you‘re back Calm *hugs*
A break from the heavy... Here is some sketching/art I've been doing..
Almost finished just gotta find the motivation to finish that last cotner...
@calmLake1999
I love your drawing Calm, and I love the little arts chaos around the drawing on the second pic 😊
Hm, I tend to read too much into things, but I'm a huge fan of symbols and the bridge is a great symbol 😊
@courteousNorth5140
😊 I'm a bit chaos like when I get into my art, chaotic like my life haha that wasn't meant to be dark but hmmm.. the bridge could be symbolic, I didn't even think of that..
@calmLake1999
Oh well, the world is full of symbols, you're probably drawing symbols all the time, that's what art is about... the bridge is a positive symbol, actually I read an interesting paper about it, so yeah, I'm looking for symbols in everything 😊
@calmLake1999
😂😂 Sorry, but I had to zoom and see what book you are reading 😂 Flowers in the Attic, I loved the whole series, I read them a billion times...
@courteousNorth5140
Lol that's from when I was packing haha I didn't pack everything, found it randomly in my uni stuff hehe.. not actually reading it at this stage but was one of the books I read when I was younger
@calmLake1999
Yeah, I read it at about 14 or 16, actually was one of the books I learned German with, read it in English first and then the German version with dictionary and the English version 😂 it's such an overly turgid and dramatic book, but I loved it...
@courteousNorth5140
U can read German? That is awesome!
@calmLake1999
Yeah, that's the only language I'm fluent in, well, I would say except English, but my German grammar is probably even better 😂 living with a German for over 16 years, so he taught me...
@calmLake1999
this is exactly what i needed to see today. so very tranquil!
All the progress I had made, all the steps to keep myself safe, all those little things I'd put in place to try and heal and now I just feel like they were all extremely insignificant. I am ashamed that I let this happen to me, I am ashamed that this has me feeling like I am back to where I started from, I am ashamed that in moments of crying all I want is mum to hug me. I don't even like touch so I don't know why I even want to be hugged. I am ashamed to at myself because I do feel like I made things worse, if maybe I hadn't spoke up in the first place this wouldn't have happened. I am kinda angry too because when I use my voice I feel like it doesn't get heard. And idk why that is, am I too soft spoken, am I someone who doesn't deserve to be heard, am I someone who is just there to be used and hurt by others.. this leads to the whys the many freaking whys in my head, why does this keep happening to me? Gah that makes me feel like a whiny teenager, but it's just, it's so frustrating, I honestly feel like this year it has been one thing after the other and gosh I feel like I have tried so damn hard to keep fighting and now really right now in this moment of writing this I feel like why do I keep trying? Why am I fighting against these things? Why don't I deserve better than this? Why should I keep trying? I just want to sleep for ever and maybe wake when all the bad stops happening. I've found myself to be dissociating and resorting to really bad coping mechanisms again too and not that I really am angry at myself for doing this because honestly that one coping mechanism is what keeps me going even though I know it's bad, it is keeping me going from one moment to the next. I admitted this in therapy the other day that I feel like I turn to this coping mechanism not only just to ground but also to self punish, because I feel like maybe I need to be punished if only I had listened to my instincts that night I'd be pushing forward with the hope that had started to bloom in my stomach, despite how difficult the week had got, I'd finally found my peace and then I went against my instincts and made things worse for myself. Well ok he took that choice from me but I still i hold some of the blame there. I'm so angry at him too. I'm angry that he wouldn't stop. I'm angry that I meant nothing but being an easy target and that when I did fight he just hurt me worse. I never fought before in my life but I fought and things got worse and I'm angry at that, angry at my no not being enough! And I'm angry because id started to believe that if I say no it would be enough. I'm angry that I had believed that no one has the right to hurt me or take things from me anymore. I'm angry because this is my body and people think they have the right to hurt it. I just idk what I feel or how to cope... I'm trying to do all the right things, talk to people who need me to, be brave and go to therapy, keep holding on when I want to give up... I just im so exhausted and its too much to face the world atm... .
And continuing this, well I started writing, stopped, took a breath, let myself feel the anger and thought is it directed correctly? As long as I find a way not to direct that anger internally than maybe I will find a way through this. I am far too tough on myself, at this point in time I am my own worst enemy, I blame myself for things that aren't my blame to carry. I get angry at myself for the choices of others... And why do I do this? Well tbh I don't really know, I've never really been an angry or hateful person, I find myself even caring about those who I probably shouldn't and it is my downfall. Reading this over I realise I need to find self love and self compassion, because I sure as hell wouldn't blame anyone else in my situation, but Idk how to and idk where to start. I got told I need to be my own best friend but how?. I see myself as unlovable and deserving of bad things, I blame myself for going against instinct and having choices taken away from me, but I am still surviving, as much as it hurts, as much as I want to give up this battle altogether, I am surviving the best way I know how.. I still want and long for a better life, I want to be free, I want to help others, I want to be a part of making this world a little less scary for some people, but I can't do any of this if I don't learn to love myself.
@calmLake1999
very well done, Calm 😊 taking a break and analyzing your own feelings, that's a good move... about bad coping mechanisms and being your own best friend, I'd like to tell you how I'm trying to handle that, cause I often have the urge of falling back into old schemes and then I'm always thinking of my little one, what would I want him to do, what wouldn't I want him to do... So, what I don't want him to do, I shouldn't do myself... I'm glad you're discussing those coping mechanisms with your therapist, that's definitely what you should do...
I'm still here, just holding your hand, one hand, having a coffee in the other hand 😊☕ love ya Calm 💕💖
@courteousNorth5140
I'm trying to learn to catch my thoughts when they spiral a trick my new therapist is teaching me as I'm still stuck in crisis mode and my thoughts spiral too often, so I need to challenge them before they get too far... It's ok I need 1 hand as well lol I got my hot chocolate now with whipped cream 😊 love ya 2 North!💖
@calmLake1999
That's definitely a good trick your therapist is teaching you 😊 and yay! on hot chocolate and whipped cream 😁😘
Although it may not seem like it, you are making progress! Depression has its ups and downs, and right now I have to say I am once again at the point where I am numb. Have you tried EMDR yet? I've heard that it is revolutionary at treating PTSD. Also I think your posts are beautiful, calmlake!
You've got this!
Your new friend (maybe),
MoosePotato123
Hope is like stars in the night sky...
@Moosepotato123
EMDR is a good therapy technique, but not for everybody, there are some contra-indications... You always should trust your therapist about choosing or not choosing the right therapy...
@courteousNorth5140 true
I think my depression has hit rock bottom, every single thing I do is completely exhausting. I know I'm not sleeping properly, sleeping in a light sleep but I'm still sleeping more than I have in my life. Every little thing I do ends in a wave of exhaustion and lethargy, something as simple as making myself a coffee in the morning has me exhausted. I've even had to put my studies on hold because my brain is unable to absorb anything at this moment. I kinda feel like I've failed at life, this is my failure. The inability to continue study at this time, unable or not allowed to work, I can't even go on a road trip without being exhausted and frightened. I had been so self reliant, so independent and adventurous/spontaneous but I can't find that spirit at the moment. I did go on the road trip today, the plan to self soothe which has ended with me coming home and going back to bed, not what my therapist was hoping for I guess, but I couldn't find the peace. I couldn't get out if my car and go for a hike which I normally love. Maybe my thoughts are spiralling again. But I'm so disheartened that I couldn't use my normal big self soothing technique to pull me out of this slump. I've also been unable to write poetry which is my go to for sorting emotions/experiences. I feel like I can't find the words. One thing I did sort of come to realisation of was that I think my inner boundaries had started to be put in place. I mean that night I fought, I said no, I tried being assertive and I tried to get myself out of the situation even though it backfired. So I must be learning things even when I don't think I am. I think my boundaries are there just kind of hidden at the moment. It's no longer a wall to keep everyone out which it used to be, it's more like a door. I've been letting the new therapists see the emotions and fear, I've been more open with my regular psychologist but keeping at bay those who are trying to push me to tell them what happened, which is happening. I've had people who never really took the time to know me (in off screen life) asking about what's happened, why I'm off work and more questions I'm uncomfortable with.. but despite that I'm keeping a wall up explaining that I'm not comfortable talking about it and I'm unable to at this time. I find myself contemplating more often, contemplating how I can go about being strong enough to fight back should this happen again, that night showed that I really am not strong enough to fight and I couldnt flee the situation either which has me thinking how do I try to prevent this from happening again. I mean I did everything the way I should have to get myself away from bad things happening but it's so disheartening and devastating that no matter how much I used my voice, how assertive I was, how much I fought. I still ended in a really bad situation that has taken from me. It has taken my voice, when I have to speak with those I need to, I.e. therapists and police and such I do. But I don't speak otherwise, I've become extremely silent again. Quiet to the point that I barely make a sound, if I have t.v. on its barely loud enough to hear, and listening to music I put headphones in... I don't even know why I'm being this quiet again. I'm skittish of everything as well, noises outside day or night freak me out, my pup Barking sets me into full panic attack and hiding under my doonas. Kind of even made a blanket/pillow fort at home that I hide in. It feels semi safe but it's only place I feel safe... Ok rambling and spiralling again.. might try some sketching again for some self soothing
Oh and just realised that I'll be another year older in 2 days and I've reverted in ways back to the way I coped when I was a child/teen.. damn it, I was hoping to not revert again, I know I do it on occasion but I think I reverted so much because adult me doesn't know how to cope with this, adult me doesn't know how to find healthier coping methods.. I think that's where the silence is from, the silence was the rules when it came to this sort of situation, so that's what I'm doing, in ways I'm breaking other rules. Like the speaking out, talking with psychologist and therapists and police.. maybe reverting is my way of trying to keep some sort of control over something, well the silence and eating but the eating thing is more that I physically can't... Ok I officially cancel turning older, can I do that? Ha no I really can't but I'll pretend it doesn't exist, meh that used to happen all time anyways so doesn't matter if it doesn't now.. too many thoughts and thinking so I need to attempt some self soothing somehow 😢
@calmLake1999
I hear you Calm and I'm here with you 💕💖 hope the self soothing worked a bit.... Oh and you built a blanket fort for yourself 😊 that's awesome... Little one and me built one last night, well it was more like me wrapping him in a blanket and covering him with all the pillows 😂 but well, calmed him...
@courteousNorth5140
😞 Self soothing didn't work, I wasnt able to sketch and then I became frustrated with myself
@calmLake1999
😕 Perhaps try sth else?
@courteousNorth5140
Nothing's really working tonight North, have Harry Potter on but can't concentrate 😢
@calmLake1999
Don't pressure yourself Calm, some days it works, some days it doesn't work... Have you tried talking it out? I mean you wrote it out here, but right now, talking to somebody? Or you can just talk to me 😊 everybody's still asleep here and I'm enjoying the silence...
@courteousNorth5140
I talked with my therapist earlier but idk its not helped... I'm frustrated and hurting today North 😢
@calmLake1999
I know Calm, that happens and it will happen again... Well, what I'm trying to do when I feel low is just accepting it, it is ok to just feel like that sometimes, I try to feel it for a while, embrace it and then concentrate on sth else, like telling that feeling, ok, you got your time, now it's enough... Not good at it though, but that would be the goal 😉
Don't mean to change the subject, but you wrote that you're studying, I didn't know that 😳 what are you studying?
@courteousNorth5140
I just, I feel like these bad days are more often then not 😞 and this exhaustion is alot to handle, I normally have too much energy, like when I become hyper. I haven't had a hyper moment for weeks 😢
Im studying my bachelor of dementia care, it's actually sometimes too easy, the neuro part of it is interesting anyway, and I've been doing independent research too while studying..
@calmLake1999
I know it is a lot to handle, but there is a lot to handle, just try not to pressure yourself...
I bet the neurology of dementia is really interesting... I always wondered what they feel, what they understand, always thought it's a bit like being autistic...
@courteousNorth5140
Oh gosh! This just reminded me I did a whole research paper even though it was supposed to be only a speech thing (I'm an overachiever sometimes) on concussions, how concussions may contribute to dementia etc etc, but while doing it in the research paper I actually looked into the neuro pathological side of concussions, I need to find that paper tomorrow I think... It is quite intriguing the neuro side of dementia and how it effects the persons personality, social mannerisms and stuff... I think by doing research and studying it's helped me in my field too... Now I'm rambling sorry 🤐
@calmLake1999
Ramble all you want 😊 I love learning new things and this is a field I don't know much about, I can tell you sth about the bones of the head and the parts of the brain, but dementia is a field I've never touched...
@courteousNorth5140
Dementia is such an intriguing field I think. It's heartbreaking that it is incurable at this time.. and every person with dementia is so unique. Like one person's symptoms will never match another, there is no mold or anything for it. Like the specific subset of dementia I really am intrigued about is frontotemporal dementia, this subset hits those from as early as 25. It's such an aggressive form too, this type takes the persons language, personality and social awareness. Say someone with frontotemporal might either lose the ability to speak altogether or speak maybe one or two words but repetitively. And they have a shorter prognosis than someone with Alzheimer's. Now people I've worked and talked with about this type have believed that the person doesn't understand what is being said however I believe and have witnessed that they understand exactly what is being said, so if someone were to talk to person with this type of dementia as if they were an infant or stupid, the person might react aggressively or withdrawn. But when I have spoken with someone with this sort I speak with them like id speak to you. And the spark in their eye shows that they understand it's just so cruel that they are unable to communicate back in a way we would understand. It really is about reading body language and little ques and alot of people miss that in dementia and think because their brain is deteriorating that they
Run out of space...
That they don't understand what is going on around.. but someone with dementia is so much more in tune with body language and emotions plus they have a wicked sense of humour sometimes. The best way I've found with being around and working for these beautiful people is to offer comfort in whatever way. Like some people can only be reached or soothed out of aggressive states by music which means there have been many shifts I've worked where I have randomly burst out singing because it works and soothes and offers comfort.. this means yep one night I was singing on repeat mamma Mia for almost an hour because it was the only thing that was helping... Gah I could ramble for ages, I really miss being at work 🙁
@calmLake1999
And what can cause this form of dementia? It really sounds horrible and that's what I always thought, they are somehow caged in their own body, just can't commuincate and that's why their reactions are sometimes disturbing for others...
@courteousNorth5140
Biggest problem at the moment North is there is no known actual reason for this sort of dementia. Like genetics and age are a huge indicator for Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia is understood at moment to be caused by alcohol intake and strokes damage to vessels in the brain, but they can't find any indicator. There are a lot of research and guess work maybe into what could possibly cause it, like depression, brain injuries, insomnia, smoking, alcohil, environmental but problem is they can't find a complete link yet.. I did a research paper abiut how post effects of veterans of war could be more at risk. They also say that people need to keep brains active, constant studying and education to lower risk, however I also found that some cases are of those who are of high intelligence, not just some cases a lot of cases, those who did keep brains active... So really it's a guess and luck game at the moment... Also the chemical that causes different sorts of dementia in brain might actually be there from birth, not in all people just some, so what triggers the dementia... Idk its why I have been doing independent researching too
@calmLake1999
Keep going on your researches, perhaps you'll find the cause one day 😊 and well, to me it sounds a bit like a mix between physical and psychological reasons, perhaps it's like the brain just gives up one day, like I'm out of here, tilt..... But I think it has been treated like a personality disorder in the past, or more like a mental illness, so just send those people to an asylum and keep them there... Might also be related to PTSD, could be something to research into...
@courteousNorth5140
Yeah in the past it has been treated as a mental disorder, even to this day people don't see it as what it is which is a terminal illness.. people and even some who work in it don't realise these people are trapped still in there, I see snippets, I spend the time getting to know the part of them behind the dementia and yeah don't get me wrong some of the stuff that gets said or even done can be very disturbing. I will keep researching but I think my brain has given up at moment... Hmm that shall be something I will research link between ptsd and dementia, would make sense as there is link between insomnia, physical trauma and depression..
@calmLake1999
Your researches won't run away, you can pick them up whenever you feel ready for it... You already know a lot about it, and I can tell it is a topic you are passionate about and I just love when people can talk about sth passionately 😊 so don't apologize for talking about it, I like listening to you...
And yeah, I thought as you mentioned the research about the connection between veterans of war and dementia, well, the connection could be PTSD.... And I honestly feel like I could be a candidate for dementia... I'll hire you as my personal nurse then 😂
@courteousNorth5140
Hehehe I'll gladly be your nurse 😂 but seriously if I have to sing too much you might just Fire me... I am passionate about dementia especially fronto temporal, I just wish I could find that link you know? I don't think there is enough research going into the littler known subsets of dementia, I mean there is a huge amount into Alzheimer's, vascular dementia and even lewybodies dementia, oh did you know that there is a link between parkinsons disease and lewybodies dementia, because they have the same pathology that causes both diseases which is actually the pathological name is Lewy bodies, they are a pathological compound found in both diseases... I think I could be a candidate myself for dementia too, would be pretty ironic if I research it then end up with it.. hmm and I'm not getting any younger..
@calmLake1999
Oh could sing to me all day, no problem, just have to learn growling 😂 had to google lewy dementia, but now I remember sth about it being visible in SPECT and/or PET, there was some research about the differences between Alzheimer's and Dementia and one is visible, the other isn't...
Yeah, it would be ironic if you'd get dementia, it's a bit like psychologists needing a psychologist 😂 and so true, we're all not getting younger, girl 😂 still,I think, keeping the brain occupied is the best we can do...
@courteousNorth5140
Fronto temporal can actually be seen on mri as well because it attacks the frontal and temporal lobe literally killing off the neurons and the lobes become black on a scan, it's horrifying to look at.. gotta love Google but also be careful what sites you use when using for research purposes...
Don't remind me about the younger thing 😣 lol but did you read in my post much earlier I'm cancelling this year so maybe I can stay 25 for a year longer 😜
@calmLake1999
Oh I'm 25 for some years already 😂😂😂 so that's fine 😊
@calmLake1999
Gotta dig deep down in my old damaged brain br remember how it lloks on an MRI 😂 but yeah, you're right should be visible there as well... But I somehow remember at the hospital I worked there was a study about PET and SPECT being better at diagnosing Alzheimer's or Dementia... Just can't remember the whole study... loooong time ago 😂
@courteousNorth5140
I like talking with you though
@calmLake1999
I like talking to you, too 😊 but I'm glad you are talking to your therapists too, even if it doesn't help sometimes, other times it will help or has helped... And here you have your friends and the listeners... So there's always someone to talk to 😊
@courteousNorth5140
I sometimes want to retreat from the therapist, they know too much but they are helping, I don't know.. 😞
@calmLake1999
There you have your answer, they are helping 😉
@courteousNorth5140
But I know what you mean, I tend to retreat a lot and I really hate that my therapist knows so much about me, but they have to know a lot about us in order to help us, and we want to be helped, right?
@courteousNorth5140
Yeah, maybe but I hate they know every single thing about that night and she was there at the hospital, I didn't know she was a therapist at first I thought she was some sort of liason but I guess it makes sense.. id prefer she wasn't there that night though it was awful 😞 I feel like I'm crazy as well maybe I have my regular psychologist and this new therapist and my doctor who knows and has been calling as well plus other people, like constantly calling. Checking in and refusing to let me withdraw from them 😑
@calmLake1999
Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed by the support you're receiving, that's an understandable feeling for me, well, I'm always feeling a bit overwhelmed by my therapist, when he's checking on me repeatedly... But, do you trust those people?
@courteousNorth5140
As much as I can trust anyone at the moment, I do.. I'm overwhelmed but I think im overwhelmed by the situation you know? It's so much to handle. So overwhelming but I'm just trying to make it through best I can... I don't know how to but I will keep trying.. I get why they are checking on me. As they say I'm still in crisis mode but sometimes I wanna tell them to go away and let me retreat a little lol
@calmLake1999
I think as long as you trust them you know deep down that they are doing the best they can to help you and I think that's the most important to always remember... The urge to retreat is normal and understandable, but actually you don't want to... And now I'm just throwing out my unqualified opinion 😂 you're getting better, that's my feeling... Thinking of the bridge on your drawing, hm, there's this paper I read about, it actually was about the bridge as a symbol in psychoanalysis, there the stated that the bridge symbolizes the starting point of recovery... Yeah, I'm analyzing too much 😂
@courteousNorth5140
Lol analyze away, I've tried analysing but it's hard I think cause I'm in the middle of it that I can't analyze it objectively... I just, I wish i wasn't so overwhelmed, so many conflicting emotions North... Thanks for talking with me though, you helped keep me grounded and from spiralling too much 💖
@calmLake1999
I can't analyze myself either 😂 actually trying to do that right now as we're talking, my therapist gave me a funny homework for the weekend, writing a paper about Who Ia m, What I am and How I am.... Ehm yeah, I'm helplessly lost 😂
@courteousNorth5140
Oh I hate homework from therapists, like really it's just rude lol... I did an exercise similar to that not long ago actually on myself about who I am under the pain, I should post that soon, it was interesting to try to find those parts of me... Not that I see them at the moment... But hey I will help if you want, North you are an amazingly kind, compassionate and loving person 😊
@calmLake1999
Oh yeah, I'm gonna add kind a compassionate 😂 need some positive adjectives... And then I'm done with it... You're absolutely right, it is f*** rude to give us homework, but I'm done with it saturday noon, he probably would have wanted me to think about it the whooooole weekend, but nope 😋 so I'm gonna post it here too, he actually told me to, cause opening up and all that shit...
@courteousNorth5140
It's good to open up when you feel ready to 😊 I'm proud of you for finishing your homework, I put it off til last minute normally lol.. *makes you hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows*😉
@calmLake1999
Whipped cream AND marshmallows?? You're spoiling me 😊 I'm normally a procrastinator, but I've been in some kind of writing flow 😂 not any wiser after writing it down, but well, perhaps my therapist will be wiser after reading it...
@courteousNorth5140
Should have added that, I am procrastinator....
@courteousNorth5140
Maybe if you read it in a few weeks it might help you see how wise you are?
@calmLake1999
😂 Yeah, perhaps... Or I see how silly I am....
@courteousNorth5140
You are not silly, you are awesome North! 💖
@calmLake1999
I should perhaps add a page about what others think of me 😂 there might be some differences.....
@calmLake1999
Calm, can I ask you sth? About what you asked on the check in, didn't want to ask it there... What you mentioned there, your doctor checked that it doesn't have physical reasons, right?
@courteousNorth5140
There is physical reasons too 😢 I'm supposed to get checked by doctor again in a week, most of my injuries have cleared up but there was some I was unsure whether they were an emotional or physical reason behind..
@calmLake1999
Just let it check by your doctor, eliminate the possibility of a physcial reason... I know, those examinations are horrible, but do it anyways...
@courteousNorth5140
I will and I got the checkup in the hospital too so it could be too soon to be completely healed maybe? Idk its hard to remember alot if what the doctor said in the hospital because I did dissociate in and out of it..
And tbh I'm not really looking forward to getting another exam/checkup it's too confronting and I feel like it could snap the delicate strength I'm holding on to. I trust my doc as much as I can trust anyone at the moment but it's still hard to even think if going through that again 😢
@calmLake1999
Of course you dissociated a lot there, that's natural and perfectly ok, that's why it's important to go to the follow ups.... And I guess it really needs some more time to heal, Calm, you have to be patient with yourself and your body... *Hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
I'm not a very patient person with myself 😑 I just want to get back to doing what I normally do, looking after those who bring light into my world... It sucks that I can't work at the moment because damn it I really like working even the intense shifts where I don't get 8 hours in between... I hate that I'm not feeling better yet and the pain and discomfort is there, I hate that I'm not strong enough to push through it 😢 I feel so useless and broken
@calmLake1999
Nope, you're spiralling again Calm *hugs* you can't fasten the healing process,just doesn't work like that, one baby step after another... I'm making baby steps since 16 years, sometimes one forward and three back, but that's how it is, can't do much about it but staying focused on what my body and mind needs...
@courteousNorth5140
I just want it to stop North 😖 every day I see the same images feel the same pains and feel the same emotions. And I'm so exhausted most of the time. I'm not used to being this tired😢
@calmLake1999
I want it to stop, too Calm, for you, for me, for everybody, but it still doesn't work like that... You tell me when I'm saying too much here, right? Cause somehow I got you back to spiralling thoughts....
@courteousNorth5140
No you didn't get me back to spiralling it's my thoughts. They don't stay unspiraled for long... I'm sorry. I get overwhelmed by things so quickly. I just didn't think id be back here, I'm not a hateful person but I hate what he did to me that night, I feel so ruined and broken 😢
@calmLake1999
No apologies, Calm 😊 oh and well, your thoughts might be spiralling again and again, but you also can get out of it again and again 😊 and I honestly think in this case hate is a justified feeling... I hate that guy, too, for what he did to you...
@courteousNorth5140
North I'm sorry for dissapearing last night 😢 thank you for being here for me 💖
@calmLake1999 nice thought really appreciate it
An emptiness deep within the soul
A lonely broken feeling that consumes
Realisation of never being whole
A normality I can't resume
A fight that was lost before it began
Stuck in a stagnant state
Of feeling and hurting all over again
Wondering if this is possibly just my fate?
Knowing I can't beat this until my wounds are healed
Not allowing these lips to remain sealed..
Feeling the loss from pushing those away
An old schema that succeeded in making me fail
Don't know how to get back to where I was
Feeling only a deep keening loss...
This poem is really bad, just trying to explore my feelings but I really feel like I succeeded in pushing people away and that feeling is crushing. I wish I'd never wrote on here that night. I wish I just remained silent. I wish I didn't let myself retreat and push those I care for away. I failed, really failed and I see how my mum is right in that sense. I do nothing right in my life and I will always end up alone because I'm not worthy of anything good. I don't even know why I was stupid enough to admit what happened that night. I shouldn't have, I should have stayed quiet then maybe I wouldnt have lost anyone or made others think that I didn't appreciate their support. I'm so stupid and don't deserve to even be on this site anymore because I'm doing nothing but hurting others. I'm sorry I think being quiet is the best thing I can do from now on