Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
Hey Calm... I'll be thinking of you today... I'm here with you, I know you are scared, but I also know that you can be amazingly strong, you will go through this *hugs* you're on my mind 💕💖 sending you much love and much strength...
This just really feels like me, I dug so deep to find the strength to do what was needed today and its so much... I got one relief from today, one worry taken off my shoulders but there is still a million others.. mostly I worry that I'll never be ok again, that I've messed things up properly this time and this makes me want to give up but I made promises that I won't and it hurts.. I don't want to live like this anymore, this fear, this pain and this not being heard... My voice will never be strong enough the only thing I do is make people sad and break good things and I don't mean to I don't want to do that.. maybe what he and other bad people have said if the truth maybe I am just worthless... I know I'm spiralling and know I'm supposed to catch myself before it happens, but I feel like I have nothing to give.. all my privacy and dignity has been taken and I'm not allowed to even make it stop, I'm not allowed to have choices that help instead of hurt me... I'm part number but feeling a lot of emotional pain.. I was pondering the other night which is worse, the emotional or physical pain bit maybe I deserve both and maybe I should stop with my rants and stuff.. I keep saying too much and I'm just no good.. I dont want to try anymore 😢
My Mind is jumping to a million places, I can not get my mind to stop for a few seconds... I am extremely over tired but literally can not fall asleep, my mind just won't allow it.. gotta be on alert even though logically I know I'm safe now, but my brain is saying I'm not safe now, I thought that before and look what happened.. just need to find a way to slow it down but every little noise has me jumping, I know everything is locked but I just can't turn this being hyper awareness off... I nedd to sleep though, I need the rest to physically heal properly but my mind just won't let me... Been up for too many hours straight... Ok hopefully typing this out has helped me get the frustration out of my system... Idk 😣
I hate that I'm stuck in this state where I am unable to use any of my self soothing techniques, I try and try and try but they aren't working.. I feel so so alone and just want to give up but I don't and I don't know why I keep pushing.. I am so angry that I am back here in crisis mode and I'm confused, why do bad people do bad things?? Why was he stupid and come after me again, I know my silence and recanting would have ensured his freedom but no I wasn't going to take that, there must be some sort of fight in me because I went against what he said again... Ranting about this idk why, I just want to be able to feel some semblance of safety, I keep looking at myself and just hating what I see but then sometimes I just think it's so freaking unfair... Bad people know what words to use to make a difference and try to threaten people into doing what they want, I'm glad he is away again it's his own fault but I still have fear that he will be allowed out again and then he will do what he threatened... I am so lost inside of these emotions and don't know how to even try to start thinking clearly...
And while I trust me therapists as much as I can, I'm so so tired of talking about details and hearing them say that it's not my fault and that it was against my choice and all this other stuff, logically I know this but I don't feel this and when I say things like I feel worthless and they say that I shouldn't because I have worth. I feel like screaming because I don't know how to accept what they say and the way I am feeling right now is just impossible and I don't know how to not... Plus I'm so frustrated because I love driving and spontaneous adventures and hikes but I have no energy or willpower to leave the house for these adventures, I tried but was too scared and ended up hiding in my bed again... And now I just feel like no matter where I go I'm still going to get hurt so it doesn't really even matter anyway... I have too many thoughts.. I also have to return to work in 2 days so I'm apprehensive about that
Ok, I'm done, I know it is my fault. I was stupid and put myself in bad situation. I almost got someone else hurt because of me. And I'm just not worth protecting or fighting for. I'm tired and constantly on hypervigilance but I'm also done now. It hurts to be told basically what I believed but still I get it, I'm just stupid and weak.
I have no fight left, might be from not having any sleep, but everything I do just doesn't work and I'm tired and fed up and just so done in.. returning to work but not even for what I negotiated somehow they found a way to get things done their way, so I realise that I really mean nothing... I'm struggling to find that hope I thought I had left. Funny is that I thought that this time it'd be different I thought using my voice would be enough. But it's never enough and I don't know how to make it enough 😢
Feeling a little uneasy right now, may need to just step back for a while... Just bad feelings coming at me and unsure if being here is a good thing in this moment
I'm really nervous, anxious and apprehensive about returning to work. I return in just over 2 hours and I already can feel my anxiety building to the extreme. Deep breaths, I keep telling myself to take deep breaths. I physically and emotionally don't believe I am ready to return but have to anyway. Also instead of returning for a shorter amount of hours as was negotiated I'm back onto my normal roster, well for today at least. I dont know how I'm going to manage an 8 hour shift but I'll push through somehow.. I just im nervous that I won't be able to give my 100 percent I always normally give more but I don't know how to.. heart is really racing, don't know how to do this.. I'm not strong or anything to get through this...
@calmLake1999
You can take us with you Calm, we are here for you, ok? 🙂 Just breathe and concentrate on your residents... We are here Calm *hugs* 💖
Too much too soon, too exhausted, pushed too much, not up for this physically or emotionally, just not strong enough for this 😢😢😢
Finished shift. 8hrs too long, so so sore but I did it. Emotionally and physically exhausted, don't know how found anything to do it.. one good thing just remembering now was a resident said to me that I was very much missed and I'm very much loved by them, was really sweet and made me cry.. too.much too soon though, an hour into shift head was hurting bad, and it so dark when I finished so scared to go into dark... Home now, just bit of mess too hard to comprehend the how's right now.. just wanna curl in a ball and cry, well maybe I can but idk 😞
@calmLake1999
But you did it 😊 there it was, the positive inside a huge pile of shit... So proud of you Calm *hugs*💖 and you see, your residents missed you, just like you missed them, that's so cute that they told you that... Love ya Calm 💖 here for you... Always...
Idk am I even really worth the fight? I got a little angry but now, I dint even know anymore... Things are just so freaking difficult
@calmLake1999 you are worth the fight. But strategy plays a big part of winning the fight. If u go into a battle with just the power of righteousness by your side, u will loose. As long as u have a plan developed and are caring for your fighter, u will win. But ya gotta want to win too and it sounds like ya kinda dont want to. Just bein honest. Cause i am in the same tuna boat. I Wanna give up. But i keep trying to say i loose too much if i quit. Which is why i am still here.
@PerfectStorm426
I got plans, I been trying to be strong, is just hard with constant attacks against... I do want to win, it's just don't see how I will?
@calmLake1999 one way, to keep on keeping on.