Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
How is it that I'm grieving or I think I am for that sense of safety I feel like I lost when I never truly believed I had it in the first place? How is my self worth shattered even further when I had none? Why do people think it's ok to hurt others than move on like it never happened? Why do some people just keep pushing and never take no for an answer? Why is there so much evil and darkness in this world? Why am I still facing all of it? Am I possibly just as evil and dark and therefore deserving of it?
I really don't like today. I don't like what today represents, well maybe that's a little unfair because I should like what it represents.. I'm feeling too many emotions, and my psychologist wants me to celebrate but how do I celebrate myself when I don't like myself at the moment 😢 also this day I miss my youngest sister too. This was something we shared and something that I always made special for her, I used to think we had a really close Bond because I would break the rules to celebrate for her, I've never celebrated it for myself because I never believed I was worth celebrating well I was told that my birth wasn't worth celebrating anyway i digress.. too much talking today too. Appointments are alot this week, long appointments where they want me to speak. Don't like speaking, too much speaking. And I'm too truthful, telling things wish I would not tell. Telling the thoughts I have which they disagree with and logically I see why but emotionally they are how I feel.. many face to face and needing to leave the house, it's too hard to leave the house, takes alot of energy to do that.. supposed to buy a cake or is what my therapist wants me to do. I do like chocolate cake but have no appetite or want for it. Did buy a small gift for me but I don't deserve it.. thoughts are too much to handle, might have a nap, sleeping at night is becoming impossible, can only nap in day and sleep is very light, can hear every noise while I try to sleep..
Tonight is listening to music and another sign in my random music playing, been singing this song because it's powerful..
There is love in every teardrop rolling down your face
There is heartbreak in the sunshine
There is healing in the storms behind the clouds you chase
That's never gonna change but
Would I do it differently
Baby I made some choices
That left me feeling empty
But I know I got the strength inside
To always rise above
So I'm not giving up
(I'm not giving up)
There is presence in the truth of letting go
And the words that fill your head
Become the world you see around you, keep it close
But something's telling me that
I think right in this moment the hardest part of pushing through these images and trying to remind myself they are not happening now is the very real pain that is in my body. It's not body memories but real actual pain. I wish I was better at taking medication because it might be of some help but I'm just unable to do it. I'm healing physically but slowly and its just gah its frustrating because on top of the emotional pain is this... I see my doctor again on Friday for another checkup but I really dont want that checkup, I've been trying to tell myself I'm fine but I know I'm not.. I just don't know at the moment, I was supposed to be in the snow at this moment and it makes me sad that I didn't get a chance to do that, that I'm stuck figuratively in my house because of this fear.. I pushed through enough to do my appointment but the exhaustion tht consumes after leaving the house is a lot.. I wonder if it's connected too from not being physically healed because surely it's not just the emotional part making me exhausted, but then im not sleeping properly either... Hard to think clearly of anything at moment just fighting through this best I can but it doesn't feel like enough 😢
@calmLake1999
Doing your best always will be enough, Calm 😘 give your body some time to heal and your mind even more... Try to accept the exhaustion, it's just time to rest right now... Glad you pushed through your appointment though 😊 well done 💕💖
@calmlake1999 I think I may have missed your day due to timezones now but heres to celebrating the beautiful person you are. Thank you for being you - kind and warm, supportive, giving, thoughtful, loving and strong. My gift to you this day is a wish for you to feel your strength and bravery, to know your true value and worth and to feel the love that we your friends have for you 
.
I had started this project in art therapy and only half finished, but then the week of us doing your card on here I decided to finish it as a project for you - I posted one day when you were having some rough moments but I want to post it again ..... It's you as a super hero with what I imagined you might need as weapons for battle (conflict). I'm sure it's missing a bunch as I can't possibly know what all you might need but I hope it can help you out right now.
Love you
@purpleWest8143
Wow thank you so much West! That is amazing, I'm so honored you made this for me, I remember it from my old thread but it means so much to me right now 💖 love you 2!
@calmLake1999 I was hoping you could use it right now ; )
I am so honored to have such amazing friends here 💖 I don't know how I deserve the care everyone here always offers.. sensing so much love to everyone and big hugs..
Today is a reflective resting day I think, I'm painting again and listening to music to get me through this moment.. I found a bit of strength in a new song the lyrics I posted last night, sometimes I think songs find me when I need them most.. one moment at a time and maybe I will get through this, it's a scary hard battle at the moment especially with him being out at the moment. I just I can't let him win again. He took enough but I can't let him beat me..
I've always been bad at making decisions and such, having my life ruled by someone else enforced this.. but I'm realising I am actually petrified of making decisions now, feels like every thing I decide to do leads me to bad situation after the next. There is no turning back time and I get that but, the decision I made about going out that night was such a bad one.. and its possible that my life may actually be fully turned on its head, I am scared about the doctors appointment I have on Friday because there are things I don't want to know, but need to because I can't hide from them. I worry that I'll always make choices that lead me down a bad path. It seems no matter how much I try to hide from the bad things in this world they find me, they find me when I feel like I have a safe space and when I don't.. I hate the nights more than anything right now, I hate my body and myself which I know I shouldn't but I look at myself and I wonder what is it about me that makes me an easy target, makes bad people decide to do bad things.. I've never been allowed to say no or have control over what happens to me, and as much as I try to change that I'm scared that it won't ever change.. my voice doesn't count for much and my fighting does nothing, I try to be assertive and show no fear but it's like people see straight through it, think in some ways it's probably my eyes because I can't hide any of my true emotion as my eyes convey it.. I hate so much of myself but I hate those who did this to me as well and I'm torn because I'm not a hateful person and I always try to find excuses for the bad things people have done to me, like with my mum I love her and I think that she is mentally just really unstable and that I must have done something to make her despise me... But I can't find an excuse for what he did as much as he tried to say before that night that I asked for it, that I wanted him and all that other messed up crap he knew that I didn't otherwise why would he continue after the complaint, did I somehow make him think that what he was doing was ok, did I somehow send a signal for him to do what he did that night even though i said no. I fought so why was that not enough? Why am I not allowed to have a say over what happens to me? Spiralling here, stressing over things and just gah I don't know.. I shouldn't have been reckless that night
Many hot showers have been my saving grace at the moment, like hot as in all hot water to try and get rid of that awful feeling on my skin but tonight I panicked, I don't know why but I started to panic in the shower and had to turn the hit off and make it all cold instead. It grounded me quickly back to the present but then I couldn't get out, I couldn't stop scrubbing, I need to scrub to get the dirtiness off my skin, I feel so dirty all the time. So gross and dirty but scrubbing didn't help and the cold water didn't help and I just sat there and cried because this just isn't fair, none of this is fair, I am scared all the time. I feel like I've lost who I am, I don't feel like I'm kind or nice or anything I thought I might be. I feel like I am bad and dirty and selfish and burdening all the supports I have been leaning on. I've been trying to let people help me through this but I'm so selfish for doing this, its my fault, I am dirty and ruined because I was stupid and I shouldn't be asking for support at this time. I feel sick nauseous sick because there must be something wrong with me.. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I am tired of being used that way. I want to stop seeing it. I want to not be me and be someone who isn't bad or dirty or asking for badness to come..
@calmLake1999
I‘m still here with you and still here for you *hugs* 💕💖
@calmLake1999
I'm thinking about the same things very often, this neverending why, why these things happen, why it seems to happen to some more often, why my no or my fight isn't as effective... And there simply isn't an answer on it, the only answer I have, is bad things happen, even and sometimes especially to good people... Like Wize pointed out, perhaps it's cause we don't have this 'fuck off'-attitude... But I somehow think there's no reason at all, bad things happen... I know, that's not at all satisfying, I feel the same about it, I'm tellung that myself all the time, bad things just happen and my silly mind immediately asks, but why? So, it's an infinte loop...
Accepting the support you are getting here and offline, yeah, that's a tough thing, totally understanding... Just always keep in mind, it is our choice to be here, it is our choice to write you, it is our choice to think of you, to send you our best wishes, positive energies, our love or whatever else we have to offer... Everything we're giving, we're giving by our free will... Just trust us that we are able to find a balance for ourselves between taking care of eqch other and taking care of our own stuff...
I know you can't see yourself like that right now, but perhaps my words resonate... For me you are a uniquely kind and sensitive person, loving and caring, with a great sense of humour and just this feeling for people, for their feelings and needs... For me you are very special Calm, I care for you a lot and I'm really seeing you as a very dear friend... I love ya Calm 💕💖 *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
Sorry, wanted to add sth... I know support, care and love sometimes can be overwhelming, know that from being overwhelmed by it and from overwhelming others, so whenever you feel like it is too much for you, just take some time for yourself or you can always just write a note above a post that you don't want any comments, we all would understand that, and I think nobody here would be offended... There are some things you perhaps feel more comfortable with talking about with our listeners here in a private conversation or with your therapists near you and that's perfectly ok, you don't owe us anything Calm... So you can choose to take some self-care time, you can post without anybody commenting, you can talk privately to listeners, you can do and say whatever you feel like, and I'll still be around... That's what I wanted you to know *hugs*💕💖
@courteousNorth5140
Love ya 2 North💖
I logically know there is no reasoning behind this except a bad person choosing to make bad choices, but it feels like if I just accept that than I won't have any control.. I feel like everything is so out of control at the moment, and its scary and hard to handle 😢
Feeling so overwhelmed, worthless and not worth protecting... I thought I could be strong, I thought I could go through with it, I thought people might be understanding but they aren't... I feel like giving up, I have 2 options well really only one option and its not good, it's not something I'm ready for and I'm scared but I have no other option really 
I've lost the fight within me now, I've been fighting this from the beginning and I'm exhausted and seeing that maybe I'm not worth the fight.. I'm being repressed and silenced and forced to make choices out of 2 very unfair options and I just don't have it in me to fight anymore.. I think that glimmer of light is gone 😞
@calmLake1999
it‘s not gone, I know you feel like that right now, but I can see some glimmer, just read through your posts, every now and then there is some hope, a little sparkling of your soul... don‘t give up Calm... I‘m here for you and not only me, we‘re all here for you... let you be supported with your decision, don‘t have to post it openly here, but perhaps ask for a second opinion privately... I love ya Calm *safe hugs*💕💖
@courteousNorth5140 @wizeakre
Thank you guys 💖 I have no option but to just do what I'm told really. There isn't any other decision I can make. I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and I don't have the fight in me at the moment, I shouldn't just stayed quiet in the beginning of all this.
I'm sorry for the times I rant and rave,
I'm sorry for the times I cry,
I'm sorry for the support I crave,
And I'm sorry for the times I don't want to try
I'm sorry I can't be stronger than this
I'm sorry I can't seem to find my bliss
I'm sorry for not trying enough
I'm sorry for not being tough
That soft spoken part of me
And that person I don't think I'll ever be
I'm sorry that I'm unable to be assertive
And I put myself into bad situations
I'm sorry that I feel like I deserve this
And for going against my natural intuition
I'm sorry for not protecting
And reverting to old coping
I'm sorry for this life that I live
And I'm sorry but I don't have anything to give....
I don't even know, I started writing to express something and all I could come up with was this apology thing for myself and I think for others.. I'm not sure.. I'm trying to find something, I'm trying to fight but I literally have nothing left, I feel like that glimmer is out and I don't know how to turn it back on.. I'm exhausted and done in and have no options left
@calmLake1999
I still don't think you have to apologize for anything, but perhaps it's good that you wrote it all down and got it off your chest... So even if you don't have to apologize imo, it seems like you have the need to say sorry, so I'm gonna accept your apologies *hugs* 💕💖
@calmLake1999 embracing you with hugs Calm. ❤️