Gimme some room...

@TransparentPuzzle This post is lovely, Puzzle <3 I am so happy for you. Be proud of yourself, and be patient when times are more difficult. 7Cups will be here then, too (:

I have too much on my mind tonight, it's AM and I can't sleep.

My bestie said it's because I'm self aware and self reliant, which is rare nowadays. I told her it sucks because of moments like this, where I want to lay and rest... But my mind won't let me. The amount of negative moments severely outnumbered the positives today... But an opportunity to brighten someone else's day happened, and I only just now recognized what I did because it was like second nature and I didn't even think about it until now... I got called into work today (I'm used to it, doesn't mean I don't dislike it lol) and as I finished my shift and exited my building, I had a gentleman ask me if I could buy him food (I work in a major city and there's a lot of people normally asking for cash.) Without even hesitating, I pulled out my phone and ordered him 2 footlong subs from Subway. He thanked me kindly and we both went on about our day.

Soon after, I had a heated (literally and figuratively, thanks Southern states)... conversation with my fiance's best friend (she my friend too, she's like a wife in our relationship lol). I explained to them I felt like whenever I would go to them for support on things, especially ideas I'm looking to build on, that the first things I hear from them are "No" and tear me down instead of build me up (my exact words.) We were in a craft store, wrong place to have that conversation, I know... We've been wearing face masks for too long, 100+ degrees out and weren't thinking clearly but when I started defending myself, my body felt immediately weird. My fiance acknowledged what I said and apologized, but it felt as if the best friend was defending tearing me down. That's what my head is stuck on...

Just like the gentleman did, I'm reaching out my hand for some help here on this one. I'm recognizing that I'm trying to assume other people's thoughts and actions while I'm typing this, but I am not sure if this warrants an Anxiety rubber band snap. Is this just unresolved in my head because of something I haven't felt before? I'm so unsure...

And because I want this to feel a little more like home, my name is Josh, by the way. Nice to meet y'all lol

@NoneTheWiser I don't mind at all my name being used :).

I think just typing it out helped, I just didn't understand why my head was stuck on trying to assume someone's actions. We all talked and apologized. I bought a special case for my tablet and I'm going to be carrying it everywhere with me, almost like a journal so I can write out wherever and whenever.

And before I fall asleep because typing all of that seemed to have helped, I'm thinking of a daily planner and journal to take around with me. I know I have my phone, but for some reason, handwritten feels to have a better effect. I have a Tab S4 I use for digital art. Might look into apps or maybe a rocketbook planner (not a fan of wasting paper.) Last thought, realizing something about myself that my head keeps screaming at me (it's been screaming this for ages) and I don't remember it or ignore it. I like working with my hands, I also like doing random things because I don't like my skills to be limited (such as just finished teaching myself soldering. I like self teaching, it's like puzzles to me 😂😂😂) I've been doing craft lace projects lately, I bought some Paracord today along with my fiance's sisters favorite animal as a pendant and colors. Gonna make a keychain lol

Took an hour long cold shower while I was sitting in the floor. Just thinking, had some lyrics stuck on my mind. (Music is a major part of my life.)

No lane we can make one
Find a way where there ain't none
Never too much to take on
There ain't a story we can't write
Redline to the borderline
All the pain leave it all behind
I know it's hard sometimes
But I'll be right beside so

Lean on me
When the world all fall to pieces
Don't overthink your reasons
When it brings you to your knees, just
Lean on me
Hold on tight and don't let go
Every high come with a low
Long as you always know that you can
Lean on me

Crosses arms and stares at SELFCAREDEFCON Level Status

Starts to slowly walk over to the SELFCAREDEFCON Level Control Console and runs my hand over the top

Something about me. I believe in signs from the universe and I listen to them when I can see them. They typically reveal themselves throughout the day. For example, my anniversary trip with my fiance was canceled when we listened to everything it told us. Come the day of our trip, the rental reservation legitimately disappeared from the system day of (not their fault), it was raining and my Check Engine turned on (I have a 07 Kia Rondo that I bought for cash and I'm slowly repairing it. It's a puzzle and I'm teaching myself. I got the issue repaired). The universe spoke clearly. We were sad, but Matt (My Fiance 🎊Surprise I'm gay!🎊) has learned to listen to the signs with me and understood. Come a few days later, my sister told me there was a shooting directly in front of the hotel we had booked (we were going to visit her). That was the Universe, and Him, working together.

But today? Hm.

Dusts off the console screen

Today was at the hands of people and their free will. I was terrified throughout the day, and there was nothing I could do but just... Let it be.

Slams lever to SELFCAREDEFCON 1

Console dispenses a double shot of whiskey, starts to play my vinyl collection and diffuses essential oils

Don't worry, I'm 23 and it's a prescription from my psychiatrist... on a Monday.

Man, life likes to throw turbulence when it knows I'm making progress, doesn't it?

Goes from handing me lemons to using a flipping baseball launcher while I'm playing poker with the cards it dealt me. So what do I do?

I get a tennis racket to launch those lemons back and put on some shades so it doesn't know what I'm doing next.

Meaning... I upped my self care game since it became ineffective. $25 8 ball heating massaging pillow from Amazon (reeeeeally high reviews) and got a sleepmask with Bluetooth headphones built into it.

I'm excited.

Take that, life.

@UnicornsR4Real I think I just redeemed some trauma tickets lol

@TransparentPuzzle

And you did it so WELL, too. Good choices! Let me

know what you think of the massage thingies!

@UnicornsR4Real it was an amazing choice, it can massage my feet too lol my fiance asked if he had been replaced and told him that it can't Match him lol

I'm on vacation with my fiance, meeting his family because he goes back home once a year and I came with this year.

I'm so very confused... Mainly because I'm feeling just negative feelings and not being able to enjoy things. It's honestly discouraging because I'm trying so hard. It sucks watching my fiance be so happy and trying to share his happiness with me, and I'm making such an effort but...

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to be on antidepressants in the first place because I didn't experience a lot of my issues until my first prescription. I feel like maybe they just make things worse and it's days like this where I want to sit in the corner and throw my pills out.

I had genetic testing done because I got tired of playing antidepressant roulette. Every single antidepressant I have been given so far, I responded negatively to and the genetic testing helped to prove that. I have a very small list of antidepressants that may or may not work now, and I was changed to one of them. I feel worse than I started.

This is tiring, and I hate that I can't enjoy my vacation with my fiance. I hate watching everyone else around me be so happy and enjoying things.

Ugh.

"The first step in fixing any problem is recognizing there is one."

Been feeling like I've been drowning under water but had no clue I was... I couldn't pin point why I've been feeling the way I have been, letting the small things get to me and hiding myself in my bedroom while cutting myself off from anyone else. Then, it slapped me across the face not too long ago, and instead of keeping it internal, I let the words come from my lips in order to start the healing process...

I. Am. Depressed.

And I have been for over a year, but never truly accepted it. Complex PTSD is exactly what it says it is... Complex. When I had some things happen a year ago this month, that was the start of my downward spiral. I thought I had my life sorted and everything secured, until I started losing people again.

I didn't blame myself, but the people I lost did. I spent time wondering why, not knowing I was damaging my self esteem and pounding my mood into the pavement. I did everything for the people I lost, so I was entirely perplexed as to what I could've done wrong...

I brought people back into my life I was convinced that changed, but they didn't... Their manipulation of me got worse. I gave them everything, even the shirt off my back, and they still stole from me and left.

I'm pushing myself off of my knees and moving forward, leaving them behind and bandaging the wounded parts of myself so I can heal.

I will remember and recover this time, not forgive and forget...

I think I should start seeing the people I've lost as those that have served their purpose in my life, whether it was a lesson I needed to learn or any help they may have provided...

I can't let them go though, especially the most recent person I lost. She felt like my sister and her just picking up everything and leaving blindsided me, especially since she didn't say a word except "It's your own fault"

"Ten spears go into battle," he whispered, "and nine shatter. Did the war forge the one that remained? No, Amaran. All the war did was identify the spear that would not break."

My brother and I endured the same abuse from my father and when my father passed, my brother became my abuser. He was almost a spitting image of my father... Manipulated me the same way, physically hit me and made fun of me, convinced me it was all my fault... And I sat there and ate the lies he fed me... I came to my senses when I turned 18, and removed him from my life completely. I learned to defend myself so no one could harm me like that again.

Come 2018, he was getting divorced and a hurricane took his home. Instead of being a bitter apple, my mom and I took him and his girlfriend into our home despite everything he had done. I had a GoFundMe set up for them to try to assist them financially and made sure they had everything they needed. After awhile, I thought I was starting to have a brother and felt like I was healing...

June 2019, I made the decision to move in with my fiance. With my CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and Asperger's, I made it very clear none of my items were to be touched from the day they moved in...

While I was at work one day, they picked the lock to my bedroom, put most of my items in black trash bags and threw them on the curb. While doing this, they went through my items individually and chose what they wanted to keep. My brother manipulated me and stole from me one last time, even when I gave them everything...

They blamed me, said it was my own doing... Saying I used them, all because I forgot to pay him back $10 for buying me a pack of propel even though he stole over $1k worth of items from me.

Looking back, I can see that he is a broken spear and is choosing every day to stay that way... and as much as I want to change that, I can't. My brother is no longer welcome in my life until he decides to change.

As for me? I get to start repairing the damaged he inflicted... Despite all this, though, I choose to be kind every day and make sure everyone I come into contact with knows that they're love and appreciated.

I refuse to be a victim.

I refuse to be a broken spear.

Sometimes it feels like the things I go out of my way to do things for people are more criticized than they are appreciated, and it's tiring

@TransparentPuzzle

like, I don't even have the energy to explain this in further detail

I have 0 energy this morning and don't want to be here at work

but what else can I do? Bills have to be paid so I just have to suffer through

its times like this where I seriously consider applying for disability just so I don't have to work and deal with this feeling

bleh

I spent time throughout the day writing positive affirmations because my mood was absolutely in the toilet and little things were pushing me to the edge of crying. I feel better now, I hate that it took all day and still don't have any energy.

so on my way home from work, I'm gonna stop at the store and get some ice cream and chocolate. Gonna do some self care that includes taking a nice shower bath, a face mask and put my feet up while gaming. Should be a good night

And while they were talking bad about me behind my back and feeling all high and mighty, stroking their ego because they feel like they successfully manipulated me...

I looked them in the eyes, wished them well and hugged them. I think that gave me the ability to move forward because what they said to me hasn't been tormenting my head since that moment...

They'll get the life they deserve, I truly believe that you get back what you put in, and they're using stolen quarters.

It's ok to forget my brother exists, right? He and his girlfriend still tried talking bad about me to my sister (that I'm very close with and she called them out for trying to b.s. her about me)

I highly encourage replies on my journal story. It helps me know I'm not going crazy and helps me feel connected instead of alone in the void

@TransparentPuzzle Hey - How are you?

You're not crazy - I can understand feeling like you're in the void. I kind of tend to keep to the void lol- seems better that way most days. But its not really healthy all the time so - I may invade your space now and again - if anxiety let's me. Just to let you know that you are heard :)