Finding My Own Path 🌳 (Fellow travelers welcome)

🤯 I feel like I've been losing my mind a little lately. There is so much to account for and process. I know I am taking the right steps... or I'd like to think I am, but the ground feels shaky. So much has changed so fast.

I feel really upset over the stuff going on with my sister. I hope she is okay, but I am also so upset with her. When once I couldn't imagine a world I wouldn't do anything for her no matter what it cost me, I now can't imagine us ever talking again. What really hurts is I don't even know why. I've tried and others have tried reaching out to her but it's just not working.

All I got for my efforts was attacked by her husband emotionally and one heck of a PTSD episode. I feel terrible about that, I am normally a very strong person. To think I couldn't even be in the room with him right now is upsetting. I can't imagine targeting someone's childhood trauma and pain like that. And so pointlessly just to hurt someone and get a reaction. It's such an awful thing to do and I am so angry over what it has cost me in terms of getting better.

I know my anger is the best thing. I know I need to let it go for myself (not because he deserves it) but it's so hard. My husband can't even come in the room now without me jumping out of my skin. I am always on the brink of tears (even now) and I normally can't even cry if I need to.

I have shut down in a lot of ways...

But the good is I have noticed it. It has helped me clarify my priorities. It's really shown me I can't do this without therapy, even if that means having to fight through some crazy stuff in order to try and afford it with my meds. I wish I knew a way just to let all this pain out in a healthy way.

I wish I could tell that inner child it was okay to be in pain, it is okay to cry, it is okay to let it out... It means she is human and has a heart. Maybe if I keep at it, one day she'll listen.

@WalkingCrow

Today was a little more calming. I think my heart has finally begun to settle in the cave of my chest. I can feel it pounding angrily at the person who shook me down, but that's okay. I miss my sister, I worry for her, I do not know if I could face her right now because she's always been a very angry person. I don't do well with anger because for a long time my ability to feel any anger at all was completely shut off.

I don't know how it happened, but when I was very small during my blacked-out years' many people have told me I was an absolute terror. They always tried to assure me they didn't think it was unprovoked but they just didn't know what was causing it and I was entirely out of control, then one day I just wasn't anymore. I don't remember any of this, because as far as I look back I never could even feel anger. No matter what anyone did or didn't do I may have gotten hurt but I empathized with whyever they had done it, even if it was wrong, and couldn't be angry at them for being the way they were.

Only recently have I began to feel anger again, so I respect that it is normal and a little of it is healthy. I am very angry at the person who triggered this last episode. I am angry I am always jumping, crying, startled, and panicked. I am angry I am back to questioning my self and my worth. Feeling guilty and being confused.

PTSD is a terrible force but it can get mild after a time if things calm down and you heal it. Mine had been mostly calm, but now I am experiencing every kind of reaction and it's hell. I guess this gives me a chance to re-experience some of that trauma and heal it in new ways. That is the positive path I tell myself but I do want to cry. I want to cry and cry until I am empty of all the hurt that was done to me.

No, I don't think I could face her right now. But one day I will be healthier than ever before, I am on that path now. I will forgive her and be able to let all the pain and hurt done to me go. I may still feel it, I know PTSD does not go away, but I will have mastered myself, and I will be strong enough to endure even things like that night that triggered this last episode.

Today is the first day I haven't felt Avalon or any of the others around. o.O Sometimes this is nice while also being concerning. If it goes on too long I begin to feel like I've made it all up. =-= I know that's common for people with DID but it's a trippy feeling. I have been very dissociated all day though.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

@WalkingCrow Hey again :) I'm J - we're a system of 12 so far. Diagnosed about a year and a half ago. It is really nice to meet you. So much of what you've written - wow - it's just so relateable. I oftn feel like I'm losing my mind - or wish I would - maybe it would be easier that way

I admire your courage

You're right - you didn't ask for this - none of us did. They made a mess of us and it's up to us to put all the pieces back - just to gain some sort of order - some sort of life. But - it's so hard some days - just to keep things in check - the emotions - the thoughts. It's like we're constantly wading through sh*t with no way out and it's so hard to find people who understand

Um - anyway lol - anxiety say it's time for me to shut up :)

@mytwistedsoul
Hey!
Tell your anxiety I am so happy to hear from you! It doesn't know what it's talking about :p
Thank you so much for this comment I really really needed to see this today. It's wonderful to meet new people, and I am really happy you felt okay sharing with me.
-hug-

@NoneTheWiser

It's nice to meet you! I am not sure how many are in my system. Some of us are fragments and some of us rarely make ourselves known. Avalon would know that answer more than me probably.

It's nice to hear someone say they can relate! I don't think anyone has shared that with me before. It makes me feel less alone. It's nice to know you and yours are on this site :) I welcome any of you to stop by whenever you feel comfortable. We are ..wow I forgot my age again.. 34 (I use the age calculator way more than any person should) XD So it seems like our realization of anger is on a similar timeline.

@WalkingCrow

Last night I finally committed to the good this site is doing me. I still have some stuff to figure out and explore but I paid for premium and began the trauma path. It was really eye-opening and I made a big step by opening up about some experiences to a listener. I cried and laughed during the chat and overall it was a very therapeutic and safe experience. I ended up towards the end talking about goals and admitted I needed to fix my hair because of recent issues I hadn't washed it in two weeks.

My thigh-length hair had become seriously matted. After I got off I ended up spending the night and morning about 7 hours and 42 minutes until it was fully unmatted/knotted brushed, and plaited. I ate something and am about to collapse in bed. When I wake up I will reward myself with a long hot bath, soak in onsen bath salts, and wash and deep condition my hair. I may listen to some music with a face mask or an audiobook because I haven't done that in a long time.

I asked my husband if we could hang out this weekend. It's not like we don't normally hand out but I felt the need to schedule some one on one time because I want to recharge. I want some cuddles and lazy fun where we watch horror movies, and the dog and cat curl up on us entirely inconveniently but too adorable to be moved. haha

I feel good. I can still tell there is a lot of sadness and other things to work through. I am certainly not in tip-top shape, but I am working my way towards recharged and back in the groove of self-care.

-Crow

Last night I decided to open up to my spouse about some things. I find it particularly hard to open up to people I know. I don't believe I deserve feelings. It was awkward at first. I had to write it all down before we could talk about it. When we did begin to talk I ended up letting loose entirely. It was kind of freeing, to just say some things out loud.

I spend a lot of time with an inward train of thought telling me I am not worth deserving kindness, or emotions and that all things are my issue to deal with. I never allow myself to say..

It's not fair, it wasn't fair, I didn't deserve how I was treated, I don't deserve having to fight this every day. I don't want it.

Don't get me wrong, my life is in my hands right now. I have to be the one to heal and learn to cope and deal with my illnesses in a way that makes it able for me to live the life I want. I have to learn when to push when to ease up, when to not give up, and when to just accept how something is at least for now and learn to work with it. I'm not blaming anyone else for my situation, and I'm not saying it's anyone's responsibility but mine to fix and change.

But .

I didn't do this to myself. I didn't abuse myself. I didn't choose to be abused. I didn't give myself PTSD or DID. I wasn't asked to be sexually, emotionally, and physically abused. And it's not fair, quite frankly it's bullshit.

And it's healthy to be able to say that.

@WalkingCrow I think your entire post is brave of you to write. You did not choose to be abused. You deserve warmth and acceptance in your journey!

@hillsideblues
Thank you, it makes me feel accepted to read this. I am so glad I found this community, I feel like it is much easier to begin to open up and that is in no short part because of people like you who are so supportive and accepting. <3 It really does affect my world.

@NoneTheWiser
I'm sorry for obvious reasons this resonates with anyone, but I hope the positive parts also resonate with you.
-offering you love & support on your journey- Thank you for sharing, it helps immensely with feeling heard and not alone. Please if you ever want to share feel free to do so. I am more than open to hearing, supporting, and learning from your journey. It would be an honor.

@NoneTheWiser
Thank you very much! This means a lot to me!

My physical body feels like it is slowly deterioating my physical condition. I feel weak, yet strong in the fight to keep alive. I have some pillows on my back, i get plenty of rest and I'm just here wondering what happened. I reduced and got ill so fast, it's quite incredible. If I were to imagine myself in 5 years prior I wouldn't imagine i'd be this mess right now. Grieving with my dog as i suffer tremendous amounts of pressure to preform and pull my own weight. LITERALLY. my muscles have weakened so much. But I am still getting up, my path, lies up and down the staircase. I wander non stop in search of something... some relief.... from this constant exhaustion nightmare. I want to wake up... this isn't "Me" at all...

@outcastshadows

Hello :) I am more than happy to have this here, but I think it may have been a miss-post. Which is totally okay! <3 I'm glad to have read this and had you share it. I just wanted to point it out in case you thought you had posted it somewhere else in which you would get more feedback. -hug-

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you are giving everything you have to keep going. Does your dog help you grieve at all? Sometimes I find myself terribly sad and I just give mine the largest hug out of nowhere. It doesn't take the pressure off me but it's nice all the same.

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. Though your struggles are unique to you and your path is different than mine you are not alone in that feeling of not being yourself in the midst of grief and sadness. I've known that quite often I hope you find the love and support you need to keep your strength up, To keep your beautiful soul pushing forward, and through your struggles. I'm not entirely sure this will help, but have you seen the grief guide?
https://www.7cups.com/grief/ Sometimes the guides here work for me sometimes not -extra hug-


-Crow

@WalkingCrow

Thank you I may have been confused last night, but your support is appreciated. My dog sometimes helps but when I get thought distortions like that everything flips upside down. I read the grief guide and the schizophrenia guide on cups here sometimes I am too overwhelmed to complete guidelines like this and I appreciate the fact you guys allow someone like me in this community even though I am so messed up.

@outcastshadows Whoops that wasn't last night X'DDDD

@outcastshadows

More than happy to have you here :) And don't worry about it, I forget my age and even my name! I had an appointment today and had to look up my address when they asked! This was my childhood home =-=

I'm glad to have met you feel free to say hi whenever you like, disorganized thoughts, or anything always welcome.
-bug hugs- Being messed up is why at least I need to heal so happy to have another person like that around! We got this.
-Crow

My heart always feels like it's breaking lately. Like it's been struck, crushed into a thousand pieces waiting for the slightest breath to disturb the surface and send them flying. As though shards are sliding out sending their razor-edged glass pieces throughout my chest. All I want to is cry.

I feel so empty when I let myself stop trying to distract myself from this pain. I am doing so well. I am making it so far, it seems unfair to feel this way.

How do I do this? There is so much trauma I ... And I am so used to trauma I couldn't even tell you which traumas have effected me versus the ones I didn't even realize should be traumas.

There is so much I can't even remember. So much I can but is horrifyingly embarrassing to talk about. Especially the stuff I don't even understand.

I wonder how I can even begin with a therapist when I start therapy? I just feel so broken bodied, hearted.. It's not the end of the world like it sounds to some people. It's a good thing a little, it means I'm feeling, and letting myself feel things I've repressed and told myself I shouldn't. It's healthy to feel, and I know that feeling sad, or upset doesn't make my life meaningless or even bad.

I am no longer attached to my feeling as the basis of who I am or how well I am doing. I accept this is, but also accept the good that is. Many things can occur at once, and the past may encourage on my emotions, while not overtaking my current accomplishments or happiness. It took me a very long time to get there, but that's what mindfulness had taught me.

Still, This year has been hell. Before Christmas, I came home from a vacation with my grandparents early to find my husband had been having an online affair with a girl he swore he wasn't that way with and had called her like a sister. My aunt attacked me and took me out of her daughter's life because I finally stuck up for myself enough to tell her how she was treating me wasn't appropriate. (A little girl I had practically raised.)

My sister started out of nowhere ignoring the family and hating me for unexplained reasons. I had two serious PTSD attacks when I hadn't had any for years.

My husband and I talked it all out, in fact, our relationship is now better and healthier than it was before the event, and the woman in question is no longer around at all. I understand why it happened, and am still dealing with it, as is he his guilt but honestly, it was for the better, because it released a lot that needed to be changed, and motivated us both to work on it. Doesn't make me feel great about how I found out, or that it happened, but there is a small part of me glad it did if that's what it took to get where we are.

My aunt and I talked about our issues out. We are on friendly terms and her daughter texts me every day. The issue with my sister has only gotten worse but not everything can have an upside.

Covid, and more.. all these things and the others I've forgotten about. It's just been a hell of a year already.

Oh and I finally came out to friends and family about my DID and that meant a few of my alts felt safe coming out and not pretending to be me or evading people.. which was a really uncomfortable feeling for me although I know it's a good thing and healthy. Still when a 7 year old in your body goes to get your husband because she woke up and wanted to be put back to bed then tells him her favorite music is princess music... before she begins to sob about a bad man... (all this I was told didn't experience) You can see what I mean about feeling uncomfortable.

He's been very good about the whole thing, and super sweet. It does help he has his own issues that are similar.

... ugh... My frustration is very real right now. But I'm addressing it, and letting myself feel it and air it so that's good.

I'm so tired it's hard to remember all of today. I woke up crying, I contacted a listener right away and got a great one the first go around! I felt super lucky. It was nice to get out all my thoughts.

I feel like the last two days I've learned a lot about myself and how my growth is working and progressing. I've been working on self-care and boundaries and letting go of certain things. I've been slowly creeping into my past to process, and just processing how I feel about living with CPTSD and DID.

I've met some awesome supportive people here and that feels great! I know I have a lot more to write, but I am utterly exhausted and have an appointment in the morning and it's well close to 1 am.

-Crow

@WalkingCrow I am happy to read all the positivity in your post! :)

@hillsideblues

Greetings,

I'm bored, my name is Avalon and I don't technically see the point in coming here to write. I don't have any issues I need to work through but I've been asked to make an attempt so here I am. I could be walking to the park and laying on a bench in the middle of the darkness petting a stray cat. Instead, I am sitting here unable to find the cat who serves my sentence inside this house.

Am I supposed to write about myself? ...I don't have anything to say about myself.

I am 6'7 black hair, dark grey hazel eyes. Male, and only like men. I like cats and rain, and to sleep outside. Although I am not allowed to do that anymore.

@WalkingCrow Hey Avalon How are you? It's nice to meet you :) I'm J I'm sorry to hear that you're bored. We've found that sometimes shaking a treat bag brings the cat here running to us. But he's a mooch lol. Maybe you could find a hobby or something to fill your free time - is there anything that catches your interest? It's ok if nothing does of course :)

@mytwistedsoul

Hello J,

The treats seem to move about the house, I should perhaps hide some in my favorite places to hideout. I am not fond of interacting with others if I can avoid it. I like to read and go for walks when I can. I like nature.

-Avalon

@NoneTheWiser
Evening Jess,

It is something to do when I am bored and want to look busy so I will be left alone.

-Avalon

TW --Incase it needs it

Today was a hard day. Last night Avalon took over when someone we had met went suicidal and then got very manipulative about it. They tried to help to offer the crisis lines, and chat links but the person refused demanding Avalon call them even though none of us had ever spoken before and only met online a few days ago. They geared their suicidal behavior around trying to push Avalon into cooperating with whatever they wanted.

Out of respect for me Avalon didn't delete or block them. This morning I am not sure how it happened but First triggered. She is a little and only just now starting to come out of her shell. She has some unfortunate memories and is sad very often. She took up time listening to Disney music and with Avalon's help got online to talk about something under his guidance.

She did not get a chance to write I don't think Avalon could focus her she was busy playing, and chatting and listening to music. The listener who she got was very nice, and quickly understood. I can't even imagine those odds! Half the time if I mention DID no one knows what it is =-= And yet she stumbles across someone who does, is very kind, and considerate! It was one of my biggest fears... and it makes me less anxious.

She took a nap and I ended up sleeping most the day away o.O <--DID problems -sigh-

When I woke up I spent some time eating and trying to sort out my night and day the best I could. The person that had caused the first trigger came back on behaving the same way. I was already overwhelmed and finally when I realized they were not interested in help from anyone only getting me to do whatever they wanted I felt awful but blocked them >> It was kind of awful, I never do that!

My husband however who is normally pretty chill took a pretty serious tone with me when I told him why I was upset and reminded me I am still trying to get better and I needed to take on only what I could handle.. I know he's right and afterward I knew it was right for not just me. I would have never been able to keep up that amount of "supply" of myself anyway and it wasn't healthy to try to, nor was it healthy that they were dealing with their issues that way avoiding real support or ways to get help.

I did get a therapist! I shouldn't start until next Friday! But they were one of my top picks. I may end up being the basis of a paper or two =-= But I suppose I can live with that if we get along in other ways and the therapy helps.

...I am exhausted despite not being around too much today... the doge is snoring beside me and I think she has the right idea.

-Crow

@WalkingCrow I am happy you got a therapist that was one of your top picks. I wish you the very best with therapy. <3

@hillsideblues

@WalkingCrow
Thanks :) I'm pretty nervous about it, but have hope.

-Crow

@WalkingCrow I was really nervous when I first started seeing a therapist and my doctor. I still feel nervous sometimes. You will be talking about so many things personal to you in therapy so it is ok to feel nervous. I hope it becomes less nervous after each session and feel comfortable and safe with the therapist.

@hillsideblues

Thanks for the support! I keep trying to reply to you and messing it up it seems =-=

I start Friday and have just been trying to keep my anxiety down for now so it doesn't grow into something entirely silly but also not silly and out of control. It really helps to know other people were/are nervous. So thank you for sharing. <3

My emotions are everywhere.
This last set of weeks has been hard. I thought I was finally making it to some sort of save point. I guess I still am, but I don't feel very victorious right now. I just wish communication was easier. My husband and I both have serious mental issues and he's absolutely amazing but sometimes they butt heads. We've been together a long time, I adore him, but I am tired sometimes of his bs. And he has to get tired of mine.

Sometimes I feel unheard like everything I do is somehow an imposition. But then I'm put in the role of being the "Yeah that's not a good idea person" all the time. Why can't I ever be reckless? Why do I always have to reign him in, and then feel shitty about it? I always get to be the "buzzkill" And I know he loves me but that's not a fun position to be in.

We got into a spat, and honestly he was so chill about it and I lost my temper... But it's partially because he's so chill... I am upset and he's like "It's no big deal"

-Crow

I got a badge today for working on the trauma path. I used my listening skills to have a conversation with my husband about something that comes between us often and it really helped us both. I took a big step the other day before I went to bed to commit to moving forward on this new healthier path. I've been strong during all of this from the first moment I fell during that last PTSD episode up till now, and still now.

There is a lot for me to be proud about, and happy over, and I am those things. I am also... very very sad and very very anxious. I wish... I wish I knew what to wish for. I am strong, incessantly, and unfairly strong, so wishing to be stronger, I don't think that would help much.

If wishes were horses beggars would ride...

Wishing is great when I'm cleaning the leftover chicken for dumplings the nest day and can't be bothered to throw out an unbroken wishbone, but I don't know how I feel about them in general. Today was my father's birthday and it went great. I got to seem him smile which was pretty awesome. He has been through so much, I hope my sister called him. Surely she did.

My grandmother said something very... oddly not like her the other day. She's always unintentionally saying things that invalidate my experiences or feelings. I let it slide and try to limit those topics because she doesn't mean to and I know she loves me in her own way. But yesterday we were talking about my sister, and I finally said. "I just don't think I can be anywhere near him, and I don't think I want to be anywhere near her unless she realizes what she has done, either," I told her I had tried so hard, but that this last overstep of hers and his... it had just been too much. It had not just hurt my feelings, it brought back my PTSD and now I was sitting here looking at disability.

And I expected a dismissal as soon as I said it. I expected her to jump in and tell me my sister was just going through things, and we'd be alright.. and lowkey put me down while propping her up. But this time she startled me. She just said. "She's going through something right now, and she'll figure it out. I have faith she'll break free of that husband of hers" (she's convinced he's the issue) But you know, I don't talk to one of my sisters and one of my brothers.

She told me how they had been not very nice to her and so when her parents passed she simply told them she didn't like them very much, if they ever needed her she would help them out but otherwise not to contact her she was done.

It was very strange to hear this from her of all people... And right now upset as I am I am suddenly thinking over it... I think that's the most supportive she's ever been.

-Crow

Today was supposed to be a day to recharge, it didn't really go that way o.o I couldn't sleep until late, didn't wake up till 7pm, and then woke up to someone here who needed support. They left around midnight, and I downloaded an MMO to play with the hubby. Which is great but today was supposed to be a cuddle and everyone else fuck off day because I really needed some horror movies and chill. Popcorn, chocolate, more chill, and maybe some cuddles, anime, the occasional doggo hug, That's what I really needed to recharge. I've needed it for weeks now :(

It's really alright, I'm just frizzled. I am glad the person a family friend felt like they could come over here. I am glad my sister sent my father a birthday gift even if she ditched him for father's day... I don't think she intends to be a dick... but she takes after our aunt more than she realizes...

I just hope they can repair their relationship but I feel like she's going to have to realize there's even a problem before that can happen. Anyway enough about that.

I am super stressed. Need to recharge... but today was still an alright day. Going to go to bed early.

-Crow

Can't sleep... Had a terrible experience with a family friend today. Lots to really let out but as it's 12 pm and I need sleep... I can't sleep... I should try to sleep... I am going to try to sleep...

Eh... I should try to sleep... Ugh... I am going to do the thing as soon as I am finished here.

I feel numb like time has stopped... and the world is spinning while I remain still.

-Crow

@WalkingCrow I am so sorry you are finding it hard to sleep and had a difficult experience with a family friend. Maybe listening to some nice music before bed might help. I hope you wake up refreshed and feeling better.

A short post, because it's hard to breathe at the moment.

I have been a little under the weather all over. I finally got introduced to my therapy person today, it was odd but not awful though I had an anxiety attack beforehand and all they did was reach out it wasn't even a formal sit down. (still not sure how that works but a day at a time)

I have been trying to incorporate more relaxing things into my life (Re-joined a game, and so on) I ordered a new phone! It's refurbished but that's sort of a big deal for me because it took forever to be convinced I needed a cell phone and I bought the cheapest 20 or 30 dollar smartphone they had and didn't use it much. One thing I was excited about was having a camera all the time, but it turns out if you buy a cheap-ass smartphone you might as well not have a camera at all.

The hubby has been trying to get me to upgrade for a while but I refused. It works dagnabit... I would say, and he would be like "Yes baby, but you want to take pictures" And I'd grumble something, and he'd laugh at me, and I'd tell him eventually I'd get around to it, then remind him the next week when he brought it up that "No one calls me anyway" As though that had anything to do with pictures. XD haha

Anyway, I finally got around to it and since I found a nice refurbished thing lauded for its camera I did the thing. Then I surprised both of us and bought myself some fancy perfume. I love scents but I never do things like that. So it seemed like a good step to try to take.

Other than being a little sick (body weak from stress) I've played FF14 a bit with the hubby and tried to pull other people into it. XD I want to start Chinese brush painting I have the stuff to do it, but have not yet begun. I need to catch up on some reading, and get a schedule but... One thing at a time... if I take on too much it will just topple down around me, and I am already running on pretty low fumes...

Oh, there was a trigger with my father's girlfriend last Sunday... but I will get into that another time. I hope everyone is well. I have so much social to catch up on!

-Crow

@WalkingCrow You have been in my thoughts. I hope the visit to the therapist on Friday was what you hoped for. Even if it was not, I hope it gets better and more comfortable with the next session.

I think treating youself with small things is so important and can sometimes lift up the mood. A new phone and painting sounds so good. I would imagine painting would be so relaxing at times.

I had a breakdown when I needed to respond to my therapist... because of course, I did.

All he wanted was a rundown on my situation. I just thought... You have no idea what you are asking...

A rundown is... an insane ask without knowing anything about me.

I suspect it's not... but I feel so tired. I did my best when I collected myself, but I wrote it down instead of being able to speak because I just couldn't.

I feel like there should be some sort of different protocol for introducing yourselves when it comes to severely traumatized patients. =-= It isn't one or two things doc... If I was able to give you a clear answer I wouldn't be so disabled now would I?

...eh

-Crow

It feels like I am having a miniature heart attack.

But when I still myself and listen to the silence I can feel it

It's been a minute, I have not ran away. I've just been conserving energy.

Lately, I've been getting adjusted to a new everything. I've been gaming with people so there is that. But most disruptive but also healthy I've been getting into a therapy routine. My therapist has us interacting a little each day. And also dealing with my Dr. Situation.

I have a new Dr, I spent 2 hours on the phone with her the other day. She added medication and has me adjusting when I'll be taking them.

I got a new phone, I got a new lot of things, I got a new sleep schedule, a new hobby schedule, a new therapy schedule, a new friend schedule,... I need a new family schedule.. a new writing schedule, a new here schedule. =-=

So I've been busy trying to make space for everything in my life. But I will share something here that I won't anywhere else because I don't want the pressure of it.

I may try publishing soon. I may be ready to give it a shot.. or at least consider giving it a shot. I am beginning to feel as if I can trust in a future again, I can begin to trust in my self-worth..

-Crow