Finding My Own Path 🌳 (Fellow travelers welcome)

🤯 I feel like I've been losing my mind a little lately. There is so much to account for and process. I know I am taking the right steps... or I'd like to think I am, but the ground feels shaky. So much has changed so fast.

I feel really upset over the stuff going on with my sister. I hope she is okay, but I am also so upset with her. When once I couldn't imagine a world I wouldn't do anything for her no matter what it cost me, I now can't imagine us ever talking again. What really hurts is I don't even know why. I've tried and others have tried reaching out to her but it's just not working.

All I got for my efforts was attacked by her husband emotionally and one heck of a PTSD episode. I feel terrible about that, I am normally a very strong person. To think I couldn't even be in the room with him right now is upsetting. I can't imagine targeting someone's childhood trauma and pain like that. And so pointlessly just to hurt someone and get a reaction. It's such an awful thing to do and I am so angry over what it has cost me in terms of getting better.

I know my anger is the best thing. I know I need to let it go for myself (not because he deserves it) but it's so hard. My husband can't even come in the room now without me jumping out of my skin. I am always on the brink of tears (even now) and I normally can't even cry if I need to.

I have shut down in a lot of ways...

But the good is I have noticed it. It has helped me clarify my priorities. It's really shown me I can't do this without therapy, even if that means having to fight through some crazy stuff in order to try and afford it with my meds. I wish I knew a way just to let all this pain out in a healthy way.

I wish I could tell that inner child it was okay to be in pain, it is okay to cry, it is okay to let it out... It means she is human and has a heart. Maybe if I keep at it, one day she'll listen.

@WalkingCrow

Today was a little more calming. I think my heart has finally begun to settle in the cave of my chest. I can feel it pounding angrily at the person who shook me down, but that's okay. I miss my sister, I worry for her, I do not know if I could face her right now because she's always been a very angry person. I don't do well with anger because for a long time my ability to feel any anger at all was completely shut off.

I don't know how it happened, but when I was very small during my blacked-out years' many people have told me I was an absolute terror. They always tried to assure me they didn't think it was unprovoked but they just didn't know what was causing it and I was entirely out of control, then one day I just wasn't anymore. I don't remember any of this, because as far as I look back I never could even feel anger. No matter what anyone did or didn't do I may have gotten hurt but I empathized with whyever they had done it, even if it was wrong, and couldn't be angry at them for being the way they were.

Only recently have I began to feel anger again, so I respect that it is normal and a little of it is healthy. I am very angry at the person who triggered this last episode. I am angry I am always jumping, crying, startled, and panicked. I am angry I am back to questioning my self and my worth. Feeling guilty and being confused.

PTSD is a terrible force but it can get mild after a time if things calm down and you heal it. Mine had been mostly calm, but now I am experiencing every kind of reaction and it's hell. I guess this gives me a chance to re-experience some of that trauma and heal it in new ways. That is the positive path I tell myself but I do want to cry. I want to cry and cry until I am empty of all the hurt that was done to me.

No, I don't think I could face her right now. But one day I will be healthier than ever before, I am on that path now. I will forgive her and be able to let all the pain and hurt done to me go. I may still feel it, I know PTSD does not go away, but I will have mastered myself, and I will be strong enough to endure even things like that night that triggered this last episode.

Today is the first day I haven't felt Avalon or any of the others around. o.O Sometimes this is nice while also being concerning. If it goes on too long I begin to feel like I've made it all up. =-= I know that's common for people with DID but it's a trippy feeling. I have been very dissociated all day though.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

@WalkingCrow

Last night I finally committed to the good this site is doing me. I still have some stuff to figure out and explore but I paid for premium and began the trauma path. It was really eye-opening and I made a big step by opening up about some experiences to a listener. I cried and laughed during the chat and overall it was a very therapeutic and safe experience. I ended up towards the end talking about goals and admitted I needed to fix my hair because of recent issues I hadn't washed it in two weeks.

My thigh-length hair had become seriously matted. After I got off I ended up spending the night and morning about 7 hours and 42 minutes until it was fully unmatted/knotted brushed, and plaited. I ate something and am about to collapse in bed. When I wake up I will reward myself with a long hot bath, soak in onsen bath salts, and wash and deep condition my hair. I may listen to some music with a face mask or an audiobook because I haven't done that in a long time.

I asked my husband if we could hang out this weekend. It's not like we don't normally hand out but I felt the need to schedule some one on one time because I want to recharge. I want some cuddles and lazy fun where we watch horror movies, and the dog and cat curl up on us entirely inconveniently but too adorable to be moved. haha

I feel good. I can still tell there is a lot of sadness and other things to work through. I am certainly not in tip-top shape, but I am working my way towards recharged and back in the groove of self-care.

-Crow

Last night I decided to open up to my spouse about some things. I find it particularly hard to open up to people I know. I don't believe I deserve feelings. It was awkward at first. I had to write it all down before we could talk about it. When we did begin to talk I ended up letting loose entirely. It was kind of freeing, to just say some things out loud.

I spend a lot of time with an inward train of thought telling me I am not worth deserving kindness, or emotions and that all things are my issue to deal with. I never allow myself to say..

It's not fair, it wasn't fair, I didn't deserve how I was treated, I don't deserve having to fight this every day. I don't want it.

Don't get me wrong, my life is in my hands right now. I have to be the one to heal and learn to cope and deal with my illnesses in a way that makes it able for me to live the life I want. I have to learn when to push when to ease up, when to not give up, and when to just accept how something is at least for now and learn to work with it. I'm not blaming anyone else for my situation, and I'm not saying it's anyone's responsibility but mine to fix and change.

But .

I didn't do this to myself. I didn't abuse myself. I didn't choose to be abused. I didn't give myself PTSD or DID. I wasn't asked to be sexually, emotionally, and physically abused. And it's not fair, quite frankly it's bullshit.

And it's healthy to be able to say that.

My physical body feels like it is slowly deterioating my physical condition. I feel weak, yet strong in the fight to keep alive. I have some pillows on my back, i get plenty of rest and I'm just here wondering what happened. I reduced and got ill so fast, it's quite incredible. If I were to imagine myself in 5 years prior I wouldn't imagine i'd be this mess right now. Grieving with my dog as i suffer tremendous amounts of pressure to preform and pull my own weight. LITERALLY. my muscles have weakened so much. But I am still getting up, my path, lies up and down the staircase. I wander non stop in search of something... some relief.... from this constant exhaustion nightmare. I want to wake up... this isn't "Me" at all...

My heart always feels like it's breaking lately. Like it's been struck, crushed into a thousand pieces waiting for the slightest breath to disturb the surface and send them flying. As though shards are sliding out sending their razor-edged glass pieces throughout my chest. All I want to is cry.

I feel so empty when I let myself stop trying to distract myself from this pain. I am doing so well. I am making it so far, it seems unfair to feel this way.

How do I do this? There is so much trauma I ... And I am so used to trauma I couldn't even tell you which traumas have effected me versus the ones I didn't even realize should be traumas.

There is so much I can't even remember. So much I can but is horrifyingly embarrassing to talk about. Especially the stuff I don't even understand.

I wonder how I can even begin with a therapist when I start therapy? I just feel so broken bodied, hearted.. It's not the end of the world like it sounds to some people. It's a good thing a little, it means I'm feeling, and letting myself feel things I've repressed and told myself I shouldn't. It's healthy to feel, and I know that feeling sad, or upset doesn't make my life meaningless or even bad.

I am no longer attached to my feeling as the basis of who I am or how well I am doing. I accept this is, but also accept the good that is. Many things can occur at once, and the past may encourage on my emotions, while not overtaking my current accomplishments or happiness. It took me a very long time to get there, but that's what mindfulness had taught me.

Still, This year has been hell. Before Christmas, I came home from a vacation with my grandparents early to find my husband had been having an online affair with a girl he swore he wasn't that way with and had called her like a sister. My aunt attacked me and took me out of her daughter's life because I finally stuck up for myself enough to tell her how she was treating me wasn't appropriate. (A little girl I had practically raised.)

My sister started out of nowhere ignoring the family and hating me for unexplained reasons. I had two serious PTSD attacks when I hadn't had any for years.

My husband and I talked it all out, in fact, our relationship is now better and healthier than it was before the event, and the woman in question is no longer around at all. I understand why it happened, and am still dealing with it, as is he his guilt but honestly, it was for the better, because it released a lot that needed to be changed, and motivated us both to work on it. Doesn't make me feel great about how I found out, or that it happened, but there is a small part of me glad it did if that's what it took to get where we are.

My aunt and I talked about our issues out. We are on friendly terms and her daughter texts me every day. The issue with my sister has only gotten worse but not everything can have an upside.

Covid, and more.. all these things and the others I've forgotten about. It's just been a hell of a year already.

Oh and I finally came out to friends and family about my DID and that meant a few of my alts felt safe coming out and not pretending to be me or evading people.. which was a really uncomfortable feeling for me although I know it's a good thing and healthy. Still when a 7 year old in your body goes to get your husband because she woke up and wanted to be put back to bed then tells him her favorite music is princess music... before she begins to sob about a bad man... (all this I was told didn't experience) You can see what I mean about feeling uncomfortable.

He's been very good about the whole thing, and super sweet. It does help he has his own issues that are similar.

... ugh... My frustration is very real right now. But I'm addressing it, and letting myself feel it and air it so that's good.

I'm so tired it's hard to remember all of today. I woke up crying, I contacted a listener right away and got a great one the first go around! I felt super lucky. It was nice to get out all my thoughts.

I feel like the last two days I've learned a lot about myself and how my growth is working and progressing. I've been working on self-care and boundaries and letting go of certain things. I've been slowly creeping into my past to process, and just processing how I feel about living with CPTSD and DID.

I've met some awesome supportive people here and that feels great! I know I have a lot more to write, but I am utterly exhausted and have an appointment in the morning and it's well close to 1 am.

-Crow

Greetings,

I'm bored, my name is Avalon and I don't technically see the point in coming here to write. I don't have any issues I need to work through but I've been asked to make an attempt so here I am. I could be walking to the park and laying on a bench in the middle of the darkness petting a stray cat. Instead, I am sitting here unable to find the cat who serves my sentence inside this house.

Am I supposed to write about myself? ...I don't have anything to say about myself.

I am 6'7 black hair, dark grey hazel eyes. Male, and only like men. I like cats and rain, and to sleep outside. Although I am not allowed to do that anymore.

TW --Incase it needs it

Today was a hard day. Last night Avalon took over when someone we had met went suicidal and then got very manipulative about it. They tried to help to offer the crisis lines, and chat links but the person refused demanding Avalon call them even though none of us had ever spoken before and only met online a few days ago. They geared their suicidal behavior around trying to push Avalon into cooperating with whatever they wanted.

Out of respect for me Avalon didn't delete or block them. This morning I am not sure how it happened but First triggered. She is a little and only just now starting to come out of her shell. She has some unfortunate memories and is sad very often. She took up time listening to Disney music and with Avalon's help got online to talk about something under his guidance.

She did not get a chance to write I don't think Avalon could focus her she was busy playing, and chatting and listening to music. The listener who she got was very nice, and quickly understood. I can't even imagine those odds! Half the time if I mention DID no one knows what it is =-= And yet she stumbles across someone who does, is very kind, and considerate! It was one of my biggest fears... and it makes me less anxious.

She took a nap and I ended up sleeping most the day away o.O <--DID problems -sigh-

When I woke up I spent some time eating and trying to sort out my night and day the best I could. The person that had caused the first trigger came back on behaving the same way. I was already overwhelmed and finally when I realized they were not interested in help from anyone only getting me to do whatever they wanted I felt awful but blocked them >> It was kind of awful, I never do that!

My husband however who is normally pretty chill took a pretty serious tone with me when I told him why I was upset and reminded me I am still trying to get better and I needed to take on only what I could handle.. I know he's right and afterward I knew it was right for not just me. I would have never been able to keep up that amount of "supply" of myself anyway and it wasn't healthy to try to, nor was it healthy that they were dealing with their issues that way avoiding real support or ways to get help.

I did get a therapist! I shouldn't start until next Friday! But they were one of my top picks. I may end up being the basis of a paper or two =-= But I suppose I can live with that if we get along in other ways and the therapy helps.

...I am exhausted despite not being around too much today... the doge is snoring beside me and I think she has the right idea.

-Crow

My emotions are everywhere.
This last set of weeks has been hard. I thought I was finally making it to some sort of save point. I guess I still am, but I don't feel very victorious right now. I just wish communication was easier. My husband and I both have serious mental issues and he's absolutely amazing but sometimes they butt heads. We've been together a long time, I adore him, but I am tired sometimes of his bs. And he has to get tired of mine.

Sometimes I feel unheard like everything I do is somehow an imposition. But then I'm put in the role of being the "Yeah that's not a good idea person" all the time. Why can't I ever be reckless? Why do I always have to reign him in, and then feel shitty about it? I always get to be the "buzzkill" And I know he loves me but that's not a fun position to be in.

We got into a spat, and honestly he was so chill about it and I lost my temper... But it's partially because he's so chill... I am upset and he's like "It's no big deal"

-Crow