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Finding My Own Path 🌳 (Fellow travelers welcome)

WalkingCrow August 13th, 2020

A place to write down feelings and my experiences as I try and take control of my life with DID & CPTSD. I want to learn to open up more and to have a safe place to feel through my emotions. Also, a safe place for alters to post when they need to.

It's very hard for me to know how to begin. I've got so many conflicting emotions and things going on in my head and life. There is a lot of good and some of it has even sprung up out of the bad making it even more overwhelming and confusing. I'm just going to try my best to post here when I feel like I need to.

All comments welcome, including those from those with DID and their others of course 🌸

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WalkingCrow OP September 8th, 2020

TW (Trigger Warning) (Massive Trigger Warning)

I can't breathe.

I feel like every second of my suffocation is being watched while people peer over my shoulder judging how I suffocate.

​​​​​​I feel like people are more interested in watching and giving pointers on how best to suffer gracefully.

My PTSD wraps it's thin fingers about my neck and squeezes. There is so much pressure I pray for my eyes to pop out.

Help I can't breathe.
My vision has gone black and I feel numb.

I cannot feel my face.

Here lately when I have sex I want his hands about my throat.

I feel fear flood me and I want him to hold on tighter.

When did I become like this?

I can't breathe, and we aren't even having sex yet.

Just the thought of him brings that smell to memory and it wraps about me like a warm comforting blanket.

I think about that other one... that other one... and that other one... those other ones...

They pushed her into a ditch and laughed? She said, she said.... She says nothing now.

To me it was more gentle, They were blacked out memories on a canvas bleached white and made new.

When I had sex for the first time it was on the floor with the door open and the boy I loved who loved to beat me more took a nonexistent virginity with a truck stop condom. I married him for the favor and he did it again and again.
And tried to kill me.

He bought me such pretty apologies, with mirrored love letters and made art from everything. Inch by inch he carved his name into my soul until it was whittled down into nothing. Then he blamed that nothing for his losses.

I was his loss, his wasted effort.

I think of him and them and them, the sociopathic one with red hair, the Irish racist who married a black girl? I am so confused. How does one accidentally marry a clan member?

I think of the smiling faced quiet spoken one who leapt off the cliffs drunk and survived. I cannot remember the times he?
Oh no my memory is....

Filled with wild onions and popsicle dollhouses.

I am on a slide, a slide and breaking... My thoughts are broken...

......
-Crow

1 reply
hillsideblues September 12th, 2020

@WalkingCrow You have been in my thoughts. πŸ’–

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WalkingCrow OP September 24th, 2020

Still alive (TW maybe?)

I ended up changing therapists, my symptoms got worse, and I caught the worlds longest stomach flu. >> I sunk into a funky depression, and haven't had the energy for much other than signing on and attempting to do one path a day. Seems like I even flubbed that up at some point! But for a while there despite it all I was keeping it up.

I have blood work tomorrow morning, and I haven't mentioned this but I am terrified of needles. No idea why I've had guns put in my face and been fine) But you show me a tiny little butterfly needle and the feral comes out real quick! It's not even the pain, I'm fine with pain. I've been tatted! And well dealt with a lot of pain, but seeing that needle sink into my vein just freaks me out and I go wild. Last time though I told the people I had PTSD and they handled it a lot better. In the past, I've just said I don't like them, and I get an apathetic response no matter how much I explained it wasn't a normal dislike. PTSD people somehow understand better so I'll give that a go and see if it works again.

I have missed writing here. I have an online journal I write in but I feel more comfortable being able to let my guard down here. I miss the people here, they are awesome. I'm not back at 100% but I'm giving it a go. This new therapist seems to be struggling a bit in her personal life, but at least acknowledges that and has mentioned an actual appointment. It's a little rocky because god forbid I just want a smooth ride with a therapist for like the first week to get me in the groove, but such is life, a mess for everyone so I'm holding on hoping it works out.

-Crow

WalkingCrow OP November 10th, 2020

So ... here's the thing... Sorry maybe?

I ended up with Covid, have a secondary infection that sent me to the ER. More trauma stuff, more trauma stuff, more trauma stuff. Went off the deep end, had some DID issues... Tried to get back on the horse but can barely sit up (chest infection) Bottomed in the deep end, thought shit was getting to a place I could come back and write and work on myself, then found out I could tunnel further into the deep end.

And I lost this place, and a lot of other things that was keeping me healthy. Partially because it was a struggle to be alive, partially because sitting up still hurts my chest, and causes breathing problems. Partially because I didn't know what to say, and a little bit because I wasn't always sure who I was, or when I was.

PTSD is being a real bitch, and I don't like it.

Positive things I am attempting but not sure of. NaNoWriMo, starting a blog, and getting back to work on this site.

I have a lot to write about... I am also really tired, and unable to do as much living as I'd like. Most of my day is taking medicine and sleeping.

-Crow

2 replies
mytwistedsoul November 10th, 2020

@WalkingCrow Welcome back - I hope you feel better soon

1 reply
WalkingCrow OP November 11th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you! I've missed this place, a great deal.

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WalkingCrow OP November 11th, 2020

So... I committed to a bunch of work which is going to make me hyperventilate into a paper bag every ten seconds. O.O

By January I have committed to writing two books. One YA novel, and one for Story Vault. Setting up a website with a blog, and beginning to release my first graphic novel. Since believing in myself is about as easy as .... well I suck at it. So much so I have consistently self-sabotaged for years despite talent. I've decided to give it a try and just throw up a few times, and maybe fail or succeed who knows. Either way, it's a good idea to put myself out there as a social practice.

Meanwhile, I am still kicking but fighting this secondary infection. I have started a diet and made it to the park the other day without needing the inhaler. And I bought Valhalla. I made a list for Turkey day. (some really interesting things going on around here grocery lists and panic) lol

There is still so much going on I should write about, but right now there is just so much I guess it's easier to ease into it. My head hasn't been in the best place, and I want to try to hold onto any positivity I can hold onto.

Meanwhile, PTSD is difficult to handle right now. At the store today I found myself standing in a blind frozen panic, unable to speak or move. But I think focusing on the positive and accepting PTSD and its new expressions is the only way through.

-Crow

2 replies
hillsideblues November 11th, 2020

@WalkingCrow You have been in my thoughts. It is so good to see you writing here again and I hope it helps

Those novels, blogs and website sounds so amazing and creative. You are really talented. I hope for a quick recovery from that secondary infection ❀️

1 reply
WalkingCrow OP November 12th, 2020

@hillsideblues

Thank you! I've missed you all and been wondering how people have been.

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WalkingCrow OP November 13th, 2020

I'm going to have a mental breakdown. =-=

I've been told that I am a racist horrible person unless I change my main character in my book to white. I don't know how to explain that, that just isn't okay with me. I can't just flip her skin color like it's not attached to her body or person or apart of who she is. Don't get me wrong it isn't who she is, but it's apart of who she is. And I don't have time or the want to write a new book... and I don't want to only write for female, pansexual, white main characters.

I thought I was doing this the right way. This character came to me, she is telling me her story. I reached out to black authors, to black lgbt groups, and more because I know damn well I am not black and black has meaning and so black voices need to have their say about a black character specifically black lgbt voices. The story isn't even about her being a black lgbt girl it's a fantasy with a talking raccoon she just happens to be lgbt and black and yeah that comes up but it's not all about that. It's about her finding herself and that's part of it, and faeries.

I have to write a novel in a month... It was supposed to just be a whimsical fun adventure... *cries* that's what I loved about it... now people want to see it... Want it publishable... and I'm a racist at the same time.. *vomits and hyperventilates at the same time*

-Crow

4 replies
mytwistedsoul November 13th, 2020

@WalkingCrow Hey Crow :) I'm sorry this happened - it really sucks. There will allways be someone who feels they need to throw that word around. And I think that it's your character thats's telling ther story - she shouldn't have to change just because someone thinks she should. ON a lighter note - a talking racoon huh? It sounds like a really cool book :) Maybe the raccoon could be white :)

3 replies
mytwistedsoul November 13th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry Crow - I didn't mean to make light of what you're going through. You put alot of work and thought into your story and to have someone say that to you - I can't imagine the pain it caused you :(

2 replies
WalkingCrow OP November 14th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul
Oh don't even worry about it, it made me laugh out loud!

I think it's a spiritual upset I'm feeling because of the social climate. It feels like no matter how open or kind, or understanding I try to be, or how hard I try to educate myself I am always going to be treated like an asshole. Which granted I am sure I am ignorant on many things, we are all ignorant of many things. But I miss the days when people could just converse I guess. It's like the Something Else meme's from the Native community.

When CNN labeled Natives "Something Else" They took to social media and made fun of it, and embraced it and used their resilience as a way to educate and heal. I'm not trying to compare that single issue to every other single issue out there, I'm not even talking strictly about race issues. I just feel like it's hard enough for people who aren't mentally ill, let alone those of use with severe mental illnesses,

Why do people have to attack everything and everyone? It feels exhausting. I don't respect it but I am starting to see why when people get older they can get more racist or sexist or religious or whatever it is. Because it can be so exhausting to just exist without a tribe or without just saying fuck it... I don't care if I'm right or wrong anymore I don't have any more energy to spend on trying to educate myself just to be told I'm a piece of shit.

It's an abusive relationship between peoples. And I don't just mean on one side or the other. I mean on all sides. And to top that off I'm a social outlier as it is not going to lie, so meh. >>

I just unloaded on you, I'm so sorry lol
-extra hugs-

1 reply
mytwistedsoul November 14th, 2020

@WalkingCrow I think that once upon a time people were allowed to have different opinions. Now in the spirit of all inclusivity - anyone who doesn't share their views is excluded. Technically they're doing the very same things that they're accusing other people of. It's really sad to see the way that things are going. How the group think and herd mentality have basically turn everyone against one another out of fear of being caught on the wrong side. Not everyone is going to like everyone else

It is tiring! It's like you have to be so careful with everything - what you say and do. Like your book - this shouldn't even be an issue. It's your book - your characters - if they want it different then maybe they should write their own book and then they can make it as PC as they want

With everything that's going on right now - the masks - the social distancing - Idk - those of us who had trouble socializing before - just got worse at it. Now we have even more to worry about - yay!

LOL! No worries :) unload all you want - it's better then keeping it in

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WalkingCrow OP December 11th, 2020

My name is Avalon and I am hijacking this diary for my own until it's being used again by the host. I'm not entirely sure what to write here, but I find myself agitated more and more lately by expectations. Jack is constantly acting like a manic child and I used to be able to decompress while out by talking to Kitten but even that has become a trigger for internal chaos. Kitten is a mutual friend of our system but due to Jack's childish behavior, I am stuck avoiding this person lest I trigger some sort of drama. Which leaves me alone at the park with stray cats.

I don't mind strays but I'm no longer allowed to fall asleep at the park or even leave without prior permission. I am expected to keep others inline while we deal with this new researcher which may or may not take our case. The host is perpetually in crisis and to be frank, I could use a drink, but there in again I am not allowed to drink either. As noone appears to be writing here, it seems like a safe place to let out my annoyances.

I have also not talked to a shrink before. What does one say to a shrink?

Avi

mytwistedsoul February 15th, 2021

@WalkingCrow. Haven't see you around. Just wanted to say youve been in my thoughts and I hope everyone is ok