Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
@hillsideblues Hey you :) Did you have a nice holiday with your father? Do you do anything special to celebrate?
I hope you're doing ok *sends hugs* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul thank you for the hugs. I went out to eat with my dad after very long but it was so loud there and so many things were happening everywhere. It made me feel upset and I had a seizure so we just went home and I had another seizure and saw the future. I hope you're ok ❤❤
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm sorry it's be so long. It can be really confusing and overwhelming when there's so much going on when we're in public. I'm sorry you had a couple of seizures. It's good your dad was with you and he got you home safely. Have you had any more seizures since then? *Sends more hugs* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Sorry I've been gone into another reality because I think I was zoning out and kept forgetting. I have seizures sometimes. How are you? I hope you're ok. You're so kind to me. Hugs for you as well ❤️❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ absolutely nothing for you to be sorry for Hill. I'm so happy to see you! I'm so sorry to hear about the seizures 😞 have they been getting worse?
@mytwistedsoul my seizures are not in the new reality because of the trees and I didn't draw. There is no pencils in the new reality but alot of lights in pencil shape. I'm sorry things are not ok. You're so kind to me. I pray that the universe and all good things are also kind to you and help you so that you can have alot of trees for shade from bad things. And they also keep you safe from the new reality when it's out of outlines of the colors. You're so kind. I'll wish the hummingbird to give you trees and I hope you feel ok ❤️❤️❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ Trees are great aren't they? There are alot of trees here. No seizures in the new reality sounds like a good thing. How are you Hill? I hope you're eating and taking good care of yourself. I hope your father's doing good too. You're such a kind and gentle person and I hope and wish for many good things for you too. You deserve so much kindness Hill
I did go tonight out but it wasn't enough because I lost the way but then again I think on the road outside our home. But I don't like the color in
I feel really sleepy but i had something like a door come from the room. I think I'm just scared of bad people and want to hide from bad people who are everywhere. I think everyone should hide until all the bad people are gone to the trees and its not scary then. But now it's scary because the wall and stairs. I think what did i do. I don't like being hurt and bad people my uncle friends. I don't like it
Here is the leaf
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ I was just thinking about you today. How are you Hill? I never asked you if you mind that I call you Hill. Would you prefer Hillside? Sorry it popped into my head. It's nice to see you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I'm ok. You can call me Hill. I like it. Can you also have a leaf to help keep safe. Leaves grow on trees. I'm telling the truth that leaves grow on trees and they need sunlight from the mirrors they put up to hide the sun. I've one leaf when I walk straight it doesn't move. I'm ok but always have headaches when I come back from the new reality
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ I can definitely keep a leaf with me. You're right that they do grow on trees. The leaves make the trees look so nice I think. Do you have a favorite kind of leaf? I'm sorry to hear about the headaches. I don't like headaches. Do you think you're dissociating when you're in the new reality? I'm glad you're ok though Hill. It's important that you're safe ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I like leaves which are from brown colored trees but the leaves have to be green. They can't be brown like the tree. Because this isn't it like that and colors can't do that without something in the box with them. If something is one color it always remains that color and the colors don't fall out. I'm not sure if I dissociate. But my body doesn't hurt in the new reality and it also has trees and alot of stuffed toy animals I see t
@hillsideblues
Hello, I hope you don't mind. Me following your diary. I am WorkingitThrough2, and I can totally understand the feelings that you are expressing. I have so many of these same feelings myself.
I hear you and I relate to your experiences. Sitting here with you. It is good that you are talking about things as it helps a lot with our healing process. I admire you and you are worthy of being respected and treated with true compassion and love. Hang in there and keep up the good work❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you for your kind words and supportive. It gets hard sometimes and I get confused where am I and who am I. but I try. Hugs for you if that's ok and also leaves from trees ❤️
@hillsideblues I don't like brown leaves either. Green are the best in my opinion because it means that it's warm outside here. Brown leaves tell me it's cold outside. I don't like the cold much
@mytwistedsoul Charlie stuffed monkey sounds so nice. I'm really happy you have them. I don't know if I have a favorite but the new reality is away from the shadow people and any bad men who do bad things. And no signals can enter so no one can actually read my thoughts so I'm not sure if I've a favorite but I think maybe it's the trees I like so I like the stuffed toys
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. Time is fluid here some days and it gets away from me. The new reality sounds like a safe place Hill ❤️ I'm glad you have that safe place away from the shadow people and that there's no bad people but I'm also glad you come to the old reality to visit here and talk with me and @WorkingitThrough2 They're a very nice person and a very good friend - like you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul thank you. I hope you get all the best tree leaves in the whole world. Charlie and Rain look so cute and soft. I'm so happy you've them with you and Charlie also has a friend Rain. I really like it and leaves. Yes I come to this reality I think sometimes when I don't see the clock time because of the windows I think. A million and one hugs to you as well ❤️❤️
I woke up a little when they were sleeping and I think maybe it's like tomorrow in the afternoon. But it was actually night time. I know it was night time because I looked at the time on my phone and I looked out the window to see if it was morning time or night time. It's supposed to be dark when it's night time because that's how it is supposed to be. But it's always dark here for years in the head. But they don't know. The body has places it hurts from bad thoughts and cutting. Some are getting infected I think. I can try fixing it but I don't even like this body I am in. I don't want it and don't want to see it. I don't like being here. The csection scar is still there from getting infected again and again. No one takes proper care of this body!!! And I'm not going to as well. I don't care if she doesn't care!!! I just woke up at night time because of the clock!!!! I wish I could just sleep again. It hurts to move when not in the new reality
@hillsideblues
Hi there, so sorry that you are having such a hard time with the body. I think maybe you should get a doctor to look at those wounds, so if they are getting infected, something can be done about it. I truly understand how hard it must feel to have a part that really is struggling to accept the body—even you yourself. I can not imagine the turmoil that you are experiencing.
I have those times when I am unsure if it is the next or the same day. And have to look at the security system to see the date and time,
Keep sharing, sitting here with you.❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you. You're so understanding ❤
I'm Alice because I named myself yesterday because everyone has a name and I didn't have one
@hillsideblues
I love your name and I am glad that you picked a name for yourself Alice I am Nancy and it is nice to know you.
How are things going today? I hope all is well. Keep posting I am here with you. Sometimes it may take a minute to respond but I will be there😊/ Keep your head up and just hang tight, We're going to make it despite all the roller coaster riding❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you Nancy. I'm ok. I hope you're also doing ok. ❤ You're so kind
@hillsideblues
I am glad you are here.❤️ Wishing you lots of peace
@hillsideblues
I will be on vacation for a week, but I will look you up after I get back😄
Keep going, you are doing fine.
I think there are other people in the body but they can also be the shadow people finally getting to me. Every day building up to this day when the shadow people finally get to me. I think alot. When I'm in new reality. I was so scared but it feels less scary now. I don't know what to do sometimes. I forgot time in the new reality I think. Because I stopped watching the clock. I forgot that I am supposed to always watch the clock so I know what time number it is from the clock. But I didn't see it in new reality and no one took garbage out for month and I'm not sure if anyone made the body take a shower. I feel really bad about it because the house also feels dirty. My dad is not home. He never comes anymore always on work trips. So I need to take the garbage out and I need to watch the time number clock because it'll tell me when I'm supposed to garbage out because how will I know then
@hillsideblues
Hi, I am back from my trip. I am sorry that you are dissociating and losing time. So you experience shadow people lurking in the background. Sometimes silent and other times they are very focal. I know it can be so hard and confusing. Someone suggested that you go on Google and they have some printable journal pages that can help you make a schedule for daily things you need to remember and you can check them off daily or just get a plain tablet and make a list of things you need to remember, Like bathing or taking out the trash, important information for others to know and a daily place to write about each day or who has fronted, your feelings and etc....
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you ❤️ I think you're right and I need to make a journal to write what I think when the thought comes in my head from outside I can write it down so I don't forget because I also stopped looking at the clocks and I crossed the other side. I think today came very quickly. Because the clock doesn't have the power anymore. I think that's why but no one can know for sure so it's only my guess now until we know for sure that how come night and day move so quickly without a clock because they're really bad to see and make me upset
@hillsideblues
It is maybe a good thing that you are not watching the clock and that the clock has lost its power.
Keep trying to journal the thoughts that come up and the voices from within, and any emotions that don't feel like yours. Try asking questions or leaving a pen and paper where anyone can write a message, and you can leave messages around the house and see if anyone responds. I understand the night, the darkness that seems to creep upon us, and the wish that daylight would soon arrive.
It is scary, but we are close by if you need a hand to hold or a silent friend, just post and we will come❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you. Hugs for you if that's ok ❤️❤️ I'll be trying those things
@hillsideblues
Thanks for the hugs, I needed them😊
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ It feels like it been a lifetime since i spoke with you. I'm sorry it's been so long. You've been in my thoughts. Have you been able to keep track of things easier? I know you said your dad is working a lot and hasn't been home much. Is there some safe that could check in on you? It's ok too if you don't want that too. Are you eating and getting rest Hill? Maybe you could draw fun reminders for things like taking out the trash and other chores that need to be done ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Hi. How are you? I'm ok. I've been thinking sometimes when I'm thinking it's about alot of things that happen like only one by one. But I can only think when I'm not sleeping in my bed. I've not seen my dad since 3 weeks. I think. It's very hard to keep track of time. I don't think at the window. I feel blank all the time and then all time is gone. I'll try making drawings to remember things. Thank you it's a good idea. You're so kind ❤️ Maybe I'll have a social worker to help. I remember my therapist said it but I don't know when it happened. I've just been thinking about all the time in the world and what makes time in the clocks because I think I keep confusing it so I want to find the truth about voices and time and then I can like time with
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ Tbh Things aren't too good in my world right now. Thank you so much for asking though
@hillsideblues
Hey, how are you?❤️. I am not feeling so well but I noticed your post and wanted you to know We are here for you😊
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey 😊❤️ I'm sorry you're still not feeling well. Still fighting that cold?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes, Soul, it has not gotten any better. I did check to make sure it was not COVID-19. They think I may have the flu. My nights are the worst. I am trying really hard not to let it get the best of me. Taking everything I can get my hands on. Went to the store and got stuff to make me a hot tardy with rockin' rye, lemons, onions, red pepper, and honey, and I am drinking on that. It did help a lot❤️.
Sorry, I missed the Chat. Just was not up to it.
It's not morning and I'm just thinking that who else in the house. My hands and arms feel really big and even my hair are longer. I don't remember it being this long. So strange. But I hope they don't come inside my room to do bad things to me. I don't want to feel hurt
@hillsideblues
I am so sorry that you are still struggling with the shadow people. I know that must be very scary. Are there any things that help keep them away?
@WorkingitThrough2 the shadow people come everywhere I see. I started seeing them when I was about 9 years old. Idk what helps me but I try everything