Diary *Possible TW*

It has gotten better now. My paranoia of someone who used to hurt me, is walking behind me is gone for now. I kept myself focused in reality. Feeling much less anxious.

I have always been afraid of touch. I do not want to touch anyone. I do not want anyone to touch me. Even simplest of touches often causes flashbacks and panic. Whenever I visit my doctor I do not like to be touched by her in any way. I dislike my own skin. For the first time I started to feel safe with one person and that has now fallen apart.

Sometiemes the voices I hear narrate the events from past. I wish they could stop. The voices tell me that I should have kept myself safe. That I was being a coward. I am judged by the voices. I hate that I never spoke up about what he was doing.

Almost everything gives anxiety. But I have found a few methods that help me. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes I am in hospitals because of some intense episodes. Those episodes sometimes seem to link with the abuse that took place.
Still trying to manage myself better.

Today is hard. I hate my body. It was used without my consent. At that time I did not really know what consent meant.

I have been having flashbacks of how he would go back to being his usual self right after hurting me. As if what he did was not destroying me. As if the state he left me in did not matter. As if I was insignificant. Sometimes he would sit with us and laugh with everyone. How can someone switch back so quick to being so okay after hurting someone.

While he went back to his usual self, I was left to deal with the aftermath. I still am left to deal with the aftermath. It is not fair. It was all about power, as one would say. As in most cases it usually is. A display of power. How could I have predicted that he will misuse his position of power.

I was not prepared. I was not equipped with how to deal with it. I wanted to hide from everyone and myself. I wanted it to stop. Breathing becomes hard for me during flashbacks. It seems that I am back to being with him again.

The voices have been telling me that my body is used and damaged. I don't know if it is or not. Or if I can get myself together today. Taking a walk might help.

Today has been better. I realized about a new trigger and will therefore try to avoid it from now on. I let myself stay in, watch a movie and eat ice-cream.

Things are becoming clearer with someone who meant alot to me. Maybe not everything lasts forever but I can try to chalk it up as experience, weather good or bad.

The more anxious I am feeling, the more I experience hearing voices. I have not heard any voices today. It has been calming.

When I was first clinically diagnosed with schizophrenia, I informed my parents who were not together anymore at this stage. They both seemed taken back. My mom would say that what were the chances of it happening?

When I would have some delusions or paranoia, she would tell me to snap out of it. I found it really hard to snap out of it and still find it hard. Those delusions or paranoia seemed very silly once they were over. It made me feel embarrassed. My mom would make comments that made me feel all the more embarrassed. I do not have many hard feelings towards her. It could be her way to make sense of it. I do not have a very good relationship with her.

It was very terrifying at first when I did not know how to manage myself with schizophrenia. I still find it terrifying but I have gotten help and still continue to get help.

*TW just incase*

I do not remember exactly how old was I when I had my first hallucination. I only have a vaguely rough estimate of my age at that time. But I remember that some of my first hallucinations were sometimes after seeing my abuser. The ptsd flashbacks were not helping with it. I somewhat learned to manage it (?), but not in a good way. I was engaged in SH at this point.

Over time I started to learn my triggers; him, anxiety, stress, sex, total darkness or silence, ordinary things like a tree outside (had a draining hallucination about it), rough touch, anyone coming up on me from back. I was still doing SH and had some intrusive thoughts.

I feel much better now. I am learning to manage everyday.

Notes of some things that I am learning.

The actual incidents are over. He cannot hurt me anymore. He cannot even touch me anymore. I am safe from him. I survived through it.

Not every day will be how I want it to be. Some days will be harder and filled with panic and paranoia. That is ok because good days will come too.

Seeking support is ok. Try not to be effected by the stigma and judgments of others on schizophrenia.

Be more compassionate towards myself. What I experience is not a sign of weakness. That if I will be more stronger, than I will be 100% healed, this is not how it works. There is no such thing as being weak or strong when it comes to mental health. Healing is a journey.

It is ok to rest somedays. I do not have to 'work on myself' everyday. Some days it is ok to stay in bed, wake up late, watch a movie or eating fast food.

Need to understand that my body is not damaged just because it was hurt without my consent.

It is ok to say no to some family events if it effects my mental health.

Need to let go of my fears and let trusted people in.

*TW for mention of SH in the first paragraph*

I have been trying to stop self harming for so long. I still am not completely clean of self harming. I always have a relapse. Although the amount of SH has reduced over time. This is because I am learning to control my emotions better. I do not any longer directly start SH when I feel upset. Instead I try distracting myself whenever I get urges. I had urges today but I distracted myself by putting on a TV show to watch.

I saw a really cute box online in which I can store my medication. Meds can be stored in it according to colored labels and days of the week. It looks so organized. It also has a small portable version for carrying meds when you are out of the house. I definitely will be buying it! I already have an app to notify me when it is time to take meds. I think I am forgetful.

Healing from trauma can also mean strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life, warts, wisdom, and all, with courage. Catherine Woodiwiss

Some notes on self worth that I am trying to incorporate into my life.

I do not have to change myself completely just to be loved or to be worth it. I am what I am and that is enough.

I need to validate my inner voice and intuition. Trust in myself.

Do not put so much value in what other people think about me. My opinion of myself is what that matters.

I do not love every part of me and that is ok. It is ok to have some parts about me that I want to change and improve on. But it is not ok to hate or degrade myself because of it. I need to accept myself as whole; the good parts and the parts that needs improvement.