Diary *Possible TW*

It has gotten better now. My paranoia of someone who used to hurt me, is walking behind me is gone for now. I kept myself focused in reality. Feeling much less anxious.

I have always been afraid of touch. I do not want to touch anyone. I do not want anyone to touch me. Even simplest of touches often causes flashbacks and panic. Whenever I visit my doctor I do not like to be touched by her in any way. I dislike my own skin. For the first time I started to feel safe with one person and that has now fallen apart.

Sometiemes the voices I hear narrate the events from past. I wish they could stop. The voices tell me that I should have kept myself safe. That I was being a coward. I am judged by the voices. I hate that I never spoke up about what he was doing.

Almost everything gives anxiety. But I have found a few methods that help me. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes I am in hospitals because of some intense episodes. Those episodes sometimes seem to link with the abuse that took place.
Still trying to manage myself better.

Today is hard. I hate my body. It was used without my consent. At that time I did not really know what consent meant.

I have been having flashbacks of how he would go back to being his usual self right after hurting me. As if what he did was not destroying me. As if the state he left me in did not matter. As if I was insignificant. Sometimes he would sit with us and laugh with everyone. How can someone switch back so quick to being so okay after hurting someone.

While he went back to his usual self, I was left to deal with the aftermath. I still am left to deal with the aftermath. It is not fair. It was all about power, as one would say. As in most cases it usually is. A display of power. How could I have predicted that he will misuse his position of power.

I was not prepared. I was not equipped with how to deal with it. I wanted to hide from everyone and myself. I wanted it to stop. Breathing becomes hard for me during flashbacks. It seems that I am back to being with him again.

The voices have been telling me that my body is used and damaged. I don't know if it is or not. Or if I can get myself together today. Taking a walk might help.

They are still there and would not go away. They keep on talking. It is never quite. I would love some peace and quite. I would love for them to go away. I took my prescribed medication but they still are not leaving me alone.

Today has been better. I realized about a new trigger and will therefore try to avoid it from now on. I let myself stay in, watch a movie and eat ice-cream.

Things are becoming clearer with someone who meant alot to me. Maybe not everything lasts forever but I can try to chalk it up as experience, weather good or bad.

The more anxious I am feeling, the more I experience hearing voices. I have not heard any voices today. It has been calming.

When I was first clinically diagnosed with schizophrenia, I informed my parents who were not together anymore at this stage. They both seemed taken back. My mom would say that what were the chances of it happening?

When I would have some delusions or paranoia, she would tell me to snap out of it. I found it really hard to snap out of it and still find it hard. Those delusions or paranoia seemed very silly once they were over. It made me feel embarrassed. My mom would make comments that made me feel all the more embarrassed. I do not have many hard feelings towards her. It could be her way to make sense of it. I do not have a very good relationship with her.

It was very terrifying at first when I did not know how to manage myself with schizophrenia. I still find it terrifying but I have gotten help and still continue to get help.

@NoneTheWiser I am seeing a therapist which has been a consistent support system. I think that I can mostly manage but it often leaves me feeling alot of emotions. I try not to have hard feelings towards my mom. She might not have understood it or been able to see it from my perspective.

Writing abiut it here has helped me to vent. Thank you so much for replying and for your support. <3

*TW just incase*

I do not remember exactly how old was I when I had my first hallucination. I only have a vaguely rough estimate of my age at that time. But I remember that some of my first hallucinations were sometimes after seeing my abuser. The ptsd flashbacks were not helping with it. I somewhat learned to manage it (?), but not in a good way. I was engaged in SH at this point.

Over time I started to learn my triggers; him, anxiety, stress, sex, total darkness or silence, ordinary things like a tree outside (had a draining hallucination about it), rough touch, anyone coming up on me from back. I was still doing SH and had some intrusive thoughts.

I feel much better now. I am learning to manage everyday.

Notes of some things that I am learning.

The actual incidents are over. He cannot hurt me anymore. He cannot even touch me anymore. I am safe from him. I survived through it.

Not every day will be how I want it to be. Some days will be harder and filled with panic and paranoia. That is ok because good days will come too.

Seeking support is ok. Try not to be effected by the stigma and judgments of others on schizophrenia.

Be more compassionate towards myself. What I experience is not a sign of weakness. That if I will be more stronger, than I will be 100% healed, this is not how it works. There is no such thing as being weak or strong when it comes to mental health. Healing is a journey.

It is ok to rest somedays. I do not have to 'work on myself' everyday. Some days it is ok to stay in bed, wake up late, watch a movie or eating fast food.

Need to understand that my body is not damaged just because it was hurt without my consent.

It is ok to say no to some family events if it effects my mental health.

Need to let go of my fears and let trusted people in.

@NoneTheWiser Thank you for sharing this. I think you are right. I am trying to think that healing does not have any time limit or time frame. Or it would not happen overnight. It happens at your own pace and time, step by step, and that is ok.

*TW for mention of SH in the first paragraph*

I have been trying to stop self harming for so long. I still am not completely clean of self harming. I always have a relapse. Although the amount of SH has reduced over time. This is because I am learning to control my emotions better. I do not any longer directly start SH when I feel upset. Instead I try distracting myself whenever I get urges. I had urges today but I distracted myself by putting on a TV show to watch.

I saw a really cute box online in which I can store my medication. Meds can be stored in it according to colored labels and days of the week. It looks so organized. It also has a small portable version for carrying meds when you are out of the house. I definitely will be buying it! I already have an app to notify me when it is time to take meds. I think I am forgetful.

Healing from trauma can also mean strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life, warts, wisdom, and all, with courage. Catherine Woodiwiss

Some notes on self worth that I am trying to incorporate into my life.

I do not have to change myself completely just to be loved or to be worth it. I am what I am and that is enough.

I need to validate my inner voice and intuition. Trust in myself.

Do not put so much value in what other people think about me. My opinion of myself is what that matters.

I do not love every part of me and that is ok. It is ok to have some parts about me that I want to change and improve on. But it is not ok to hate or degrade myself because of it. I need to accept myself as whole; the good parts and the parts that needs improvement.

I was at a store to buy bread and I saw someone come up to me and started conversing. I could feel that it was not real (?) but I was not fully sure. So I engaged in the conversation with her. It went on for about 2-3 minutes. I am pretty sure now that I was hallucinating. I hope I did not make a mockery out of myself in public at the store.

Some fears have been a part of your life for so long that you almost do not know what it is like without those fears. You do not know what it would feel without those fears. Those fears becomes a dull ache at the back of your head. You see yourself automatically doing things to manage those fears and manage yourself. It is almost like a reflex action or perhaps a learned response.

Then there are all those 'what ifs.' What if I did X? What if I responded in a Y way? What if I had not done Z? The list goes on and on. Those 'what ifs' are also fear inducing. That what if something bad happens?

I have been admitted and hospitalized in the past but it always has been voluntarily. I have gotten myself to the hospital one way or another. I have this constant worry that what if something happens and I loose my mind completely. That what if something happens that leads to having me admitted and hospitalized involuntarily and I get locked away.

I am trying to do everything that I can to not let anything like that happen. I have gotten help and I continue to get help. I hope all that is enough and I can manage myself without falling short.

College has started. I will be trying out new methods to keep myself organized and to keep my stuff together. I am putting this here to measure my progress.

@NoneTheWiser Thank you 💖

"When we are healing, the steps to empower ourselves often feel like we've been given feathers to fight fearsome monsters. But our journey out of the darkness is made of a series of small choices and actions that gently steer us toward the light. Remember, what your adult considers too little is a daring, courageous challenge for your inner child. Jeanne McElvaney

"Your growth comes not as you work harder to get something you don

*TW for mention of assault*

I remember him sitting with me on his bed. He was tickling me and we were both laughing together over the jokes he was making. I was laughing uncontrollably and fell flat on the bed. He was still tickling me over my chest and neck when his hands started moving down towards my legs. He was trying to tickle me on my thighs. I did not realize when that tickling turned into him rubbing me down there over my clothing.

I started getting so scared. I realized that he was doing something that he should not be doing but I was frozen. I was a kid. He said that it will be a fun thing to do when he got my clothes out of the way to do it.

I am never getting myself as whole back and I am never going to forget what he did or the times he did it.

Why is that when I am anxious or think about my abuser, that I seem to start seeing and hearing things more that are not there. Why does trying my best to stay rooted in reality does not work when I really need it to work to calm my thoughts.

Why do I sometimes hallucinate that all the colors are swirling if I look at something too colorful. Sometimes it can be interesting to see them swirling but often it is a headache and a distraction. Only if there were not so many colors in a form that I am filling now. I almost wish that everything was monochrome (?).

Venting here helps.

Today has been difficult to manage. I had an appointment with my doctor today but I did not go. Her secretary called me but I did not pick up. I did try to go. I got ready to go, but the moment I stepped outside, I hallucinated seeing a tree outside coming towards me. The tree was going to strangle me.

I was scared to go becuase I am scared of being strangled by that tree. I can make out that this is a delusion, but I do not want to take any chances or risk anything since that tree is still outside. The last thing I want is for that to come true. I cannot always tell or be sure of it.

The only thing I am sure of is that, I feel more relaxed staying at home becusse that tree is outside and not inside my home. It also has gotten slowly better since morning.

@NoneTheWiser Thank you. I think I am in the middle of a (milder than the other ones) psychosis episode since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. I am able to make sense of it, so it is not too much.

Often I wonder what is reality? Is my reality the same as yours? Is your reality the same as mines? Do we all perceive everything differently?

The voices I hear or the things I see, are a part of my reality. They might not be a reality for anyone else but they are real to me. Even if it is something that my chemically unbalanced mind is cooking up to sabotage what I see and perceive. Does that warrants my reality to be discarded or stick a label on my head. I am not a schizophrenic. I am a human with schizophrenia. There is a difference.

My first stay at the hospital, missed school. I was not able to do simple tasks. A staff member helped me with combing my hair, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I had never felt so dependent.

When the voices degrades you and tells you to harm yourself, it gets hard to feel good about yourself. Saying - Did you try saying stop to your abuser? No, I did not. Did you ever told an adult and maybe they could have made it stop? No, I never told anyone. Did you enjoy it?

Mom, I wish we were close.

"Snap out of it" - I am trying but it is really hard?

"No one is there. Stop screaming" - No one is there but I can see someone and I feel scared?

"Speak clearly. I can't understand" - I know how to speak but I have trouble speaking and forming sentences on the spot. The medication I take makes my mouth do jerking movements. How do I control it because I would like to?

Mom, I have a love and hate relationship with you. I know deep down you care about me, even if you do not know how to show it.

*TW just incase*

I thought about writing down the episode that I am having, using writing as a tool to cope.

I am sitting in the kitchen and I am hallucinating seeing three people. All three of them are really tall (about 7 feet) girls. They are wearing various clothing that seem to be taken out from my wardrobe. All three of them seem very well behaved. One of them is talking to me about how she wants to succeed in her future career. The second one is roaming around the kitchen, inspecting any corner for dust or grime. The third one is only sitting in the kitchen and rocking herself. She is not talking much.

I am having some delusions that I need to cook them dinner. I am making soup and roasting some vegetables. I think that would make a nice dinner. This hallucination seems relatively pleasant than other episodes I have had in the past. Atleast none of these hallucinations are mimicking the voice of my abuser or degrading me.

The first girl I am hallucinating is making some really good points about how she wants to excel in her career. The second one has not found any grime or dust, thankfully. The third one is looks nervous.

I have roasted the vegetables and the soup is still cooking. I have also called someone from family to ask if I can stay over with them.

Overall I am composed and collected during it.

I could have myself gone to that family member's place but I cannot because of that tree outside. So they will have to pick me. I know it is not real but I feel emotionally drained.

I missed some of my online classes because of the list of events that had been happening recently. I lack behind in studies because it is so hard to concentrate. Voices are there almost every day, sometimes insidious in nature and sometimes narrating a monologue of my life.

I do not understand why that tree is a recurring hallucination for me or why being strangled by seemingly harmless objects is a fear. Perhaps it is because how he had put pressure on my neck for his sickening enjoyment.

I managed to get out of the house with the help of a family member. It felt terrifying. I was scared for my life as the tree was approaching me. I wanted to scream at it but tried collecting myself.

The three girls are still there. They do not seem very malicious and are not talking much now. It seems so that they are silently observing my actions. Perhaps also judging me? They have moved from the front and now I can see them from the corner of eye every once in a while.

"What we do not need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human" Brene Brown

Today is riddled with delusions. Seemingly three calm girls that appeared in the midst of my life have now started to show their true intent and purpose. They are judging everything that I am doing. I am sure that one of them has a notebook in which she is writing all that I am doing. I can see it from the corner of my eye. They write and document what I am doing and than silently judge me on it. I cannot do anything without being judged on it.

I have delusions that they will slip something in my food when I am not looking. It is causing me to be on alert. I keep looking from the corner of my eye while eating, to make sure that they are not slipping anything in my food.

I know none of this is real. I have to remind myself of that. Take deep breaths, none of this is real.

I need to give myself positive affirmations. The three girls do not exist in reality. They are not judging me. They are not going to slip anything in my food. The three girls are just something my mind is cooking up. That's all there is to it. It is not real.

I know perhaps I should inform my doctor but I feel too embarrassed at myself to tell her anything.

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who won't even jump a puddle for you" Unknown

There are times when I tend to put a label on my sexuality. Perhaps it is not the best thing to put a label on yourself, but I tend to do it. Maybe in an effort to better understand myself. Sometimes I think that I might be asexual. I have many mixed emotions when it comes to the topic of physical contact and sexuality. There have been very few instances where I have felt safe during physical contact. Most of the time I get very panicked. It scares me alot. Sometimes I can connect the dots and understand my fears. Sometimes my fears do not seem to have any reasons. Most of the times I cover my restroom mirror with a cloth because I do not want to see myself unless it is required.

The hallucinations of 3 girls still have not left me. Still they are visible every now and then from the corner of my eye. My actions are constantly being judged by them. I cannot do much without feeling self conscious. My delusions that they will slip something in my food has been causing upsetting thoughts. I did not eat for 2 days, except for a chocolate bar. Whenever I try eating I feel paranoid that they will slip something in my food. I keep on looking everywhere to make sure that it does not happen. It is making me not wanting to eat anymore. My dad offered that he can watch over me while I eat to make sure they do not slip anything in my food. It makes me feel like a huge burden. My doctor said that she will adjust my medication. I am hoping the 3 girls and delusions disappear.

@NoneTheWiser It does makes sense. Thank you for the hug

I have been making notes of my behavior and mood lately because my medication was adjusted. I wanted to keep track of any changes and if needed inform my doctor. I have been feeling all the more sleepy and slow with slurred speech. It is effecting college work.

Writing about my mood and behavior got me thinking that if after experiencing something traumatic, do we start doing certain actions in a ritualistic manner to have a sense of 'safety.'

I tap my fingers on my arms almost ritualistically when I wake up. It makes me feel safe. I also do this when I am having ptsd flashbacks or tactile hallucinations. Before going to bed I have a good look all around me because I sometimes hallucinate seeing things moving in the dark. Whenever I see my abuser over family gatherings and go home afterwards, I always take a long bath because I want to clean myself of his hands on me.

Actions like these feels ritualistic to me. They do not seem to have any real purpose other than to give me a peace of mind.

Feeling very slow on antipsychotics. I feel like a zombie with sluggish movements. Having difficulty speaking coherent sentences. I also noticed that I forgot what I was saying mid sentence when talking to someome. It does not feel that I am capable of showing or feeling any emotions. Very empty and blank feelings. Losing interest in college or any work. Falling asleep in the most random hours.

*TW for mention of violence and SH*

This is mostly for venting out frustration and hurt.

Back when I was admitted to a mental health hospital for 3 weeks after engaging in SH and hearing voices. Being there kept me away from engaging in any more SH as they had taken anything remotely sharp off me. They had even taken my shoe laces. I am grateful that it helped in keeping me away from SH.

Over my time there, I developed delusions that my meds were poisoned. A staff member came in my room with meds and I refused to take them. I was really scared as no one wants to take poisoned meds. I told her that I was having delusions that the meds she was giving me were poisoned. I told her that I was really afraid to take them. A voice was also saying the word poison over and over again. I was crying in front of her and I probably was looking pathetic.

The way that staff member spoke was very robotic. Maybe I would have felt better and comforted if she had spoken to me with some empathy, and I would have taken the meds. I wish she would have tried to speak to me first. Instead she called another staff memebr into the room.

That staff member used his physical force to restrain me, in order to give me meds. It all happened so suddenly. It reminded me of the times I was sexually assaulted. It made me feel terrified. I was crying and resisting that staff member while he was trying to pin me. While he was doing that his hand pressed on my chest and it brought up painful memories. He got the meds in as I gave up resisting.

That staff member was not trained in physical restraining. I found out about this later. In a mental health hospital, only staffs who are trained in physical restraining are allowed to do it, atleast where I live. That staff member was not trained to do it, he did not had the required training, but he still did it.

I understand they were trying to do their part in getting me to take meds. I wish that staff member would have atleast tried talking to me first or would have called for a staff member who was trained in physical restraining.

I had flashbacks afted that and could not ground myself at all. I was scared at what had happened

@hillsideblues It's a scary situation to begin with - being in there. Made worse by uncaring - untrained staff. I'm so sorry you went through this - it isn't something you forget

@mytwistedsoul This situation made me think that you need to be aware of your rights even if you are in a mental health hospital. Only the staff trained in physical restraining should do it

Positive symptoms are reduced now- Less hallucinations and delusions. I am able to manage it

Negative symptoms are still something I am trying to cope with- I am finding it difficult to add expressions in my speaking tone. I think I sound and feel blank. Having a little bit difficulty in talking

Some cognitive symptoms?- Sometimes finding it a little bit difficult to understand what others speak to me and losing focus quick