A place to think... and let go
I have no idea how any of this will help. but as things have recently become a little harder to bear, I feel like crying, but have no space to do so freely at the moment. the best I can do is ramble on about what bothers me, and hope someone understands me.
I hate perfection as much as I hate failure and yet I was both at the same time. I was the favorite of my parents, but never so important that they actually tried. I could remember the days when my father would make me write and rewrite my homework until my handwriting until it was close to perfect... and even then it was not good enough. I remember the constant nights I would cry over my math homework because I was constantly distracted in class and wrote slowly which in turn earned me a few bullies. I hated my bullies and all my homework did was remind me of them so I would rush my homework, only to rewrite it and the pattern continued until I was beaten to submission. I remember complaining to my parents, only to be told I was a coward for not beating my bullies senseless and not having thick enough skin to ignore their jeers.
I have been beaten with bottles and belts, ironing boards and bicycle pumps, spoons and wires for nothing more than looking at a boy with admiration or failing to focus on my work and watched my mother cry long nights after being told she was fat as a reason my father was cheating with the twins across the street. I have watched her cook the last of the rice in the house to feed us and sat there starving until I lied about how full I was. I have stayed up late nights to watch the sunrise hoping that someone would burn the school next door so I would not have to go. I have swallowed my pain and pride as my mother told me she could not afford to switch my school to somewhere more diverse for monetary reasons, despite the fact I was showing severe signs of depression and every teacher, counselor and social worker I met begged her to do so.
I could still remember her gloating to all her friends that I was her only perfect child, I did not have anger issues like my brothers, I was not the one with ADHD, nor was I the one with hearing problems. I was the only one to never get left back, adorned by parents and teachers alike. I was the goody two shoes, the one everyone wanted to compare their child to. I was often told by others that they could not stand how perfect I was, that my smile drove them insane. it hurt they could not see my pain, but then again I worked so hard to hide it. I have never let my mother down, but I was the utmost failure to my father, being told by him many times "you are not my daughter" only for his tune to change the very next time I saw him.
I graduated High school, but had no motivation to go to college that was not fueled by making my father happy, I dropped out. I got married early to get away from my parents, but now my husband is leaving me. the pain and anguish I have held for years with little breakage is pouring out before me like a broken dam and I feel more like a failure than I ever did before. I am so far behind for a 26 year old and I have no Idea where to even start. sometimes I pray God would just end my existence so I would never have to face the failure I have become.
until I find a way to cope, all I can do is pretend I am fine. the forest has already burned to the ground, what else can possibly go wrong?
Working with kids is interesting. I played a game with the kids today where they needed to find patterns to create sets of three. one child was having difficulty making sets because they were focused on finding peices that were not on the board to complete possible sets he saw rather than make sets from what he was given. I had to constantly remind him to focus on what he had, and not on what he needed.
This was a bit of a trigger to me. I noticed lately I found it harder to concentrate on getting things done. everything has been "if only he did not leave me" or "if we had only tried this or waited until..." this change in focus has damaged me some.
I have also been bothered by the actions of one of my roommates. I never expected to always get along, but one has let some power get to her head and I caused her to have an anxiety attack when I confronted her about her behavoir. She is upset that a couple we took in to assist has had some problems helping with rent. I have been in their shoes before so I have made no complaints. we get the normal 330 from them every month and while they get into a position to do more, I am content with what they can give, but my roommate C is not. She claims to understand, only to badger our guests about things that irk her that are none of her concern to begin with.
last night's argrument eneded in disaster. C was upset because our roommate is putting a great deal of money per month to pay off a car that they do not yet have access to. C wants them to sell the car so they can pay more for rent. couple refuses to sell car because we live in an area where a car is more benificial in the long term. C gets more upset and mentions their priorites are not in order and they need to step up or get out. I remind C that it is not her place to kick someone out of the house and that currently she does not pay any rent, just me, my brother and the couple. this hits a nerve with her as this was something that bothered her for months, and she hates to be reminded of it, but I felt it nesscesary because she has started to act more bossy in the house as the person who is trusted to collect rent and turn it in. (probably more so because she dates my brother.) trying to get her to look at things from our point of view agitates her (confrontation is a trigger) and she panics.
I know she will be mad at me for a while. this is not the first time I have forced her to take an unwanted inward look at herself and she feels attacked by me. I did apologize for pushing the issue as I did not pick up right away the usual signs of her distress and argued more when I should have stopped. she has yet to accept the apology, I am not upset about it. she may open up again after some time has passed and she is ready to talk. it still bothers me however, but trying to force her to talk now will likely end things worse than before.
@Psyphire
It is good to hear how you are doing. Your living situation sounds pretty stressful. It sounds like you are being very generous and understanding with C, and with the couple. Balancing that conflict is tricky, and that you step up and try to smooth those things out is not something very many people could or would do.
The children always looking for what they dont have even in play - wow, I guess we start those tendencies young sometimes! I wonder if recognizing it and helping them see what they have in such a safe context will help them with those bigger life lessons. :) Maybe struggle is not always in vain if it means being better able to see when it is happening in others, and how we can help (even if that help means letting someone be a bit offended by the truth for a while, in the case of C...).
Um... sorry to muse so much. Mostly I want to say that you are a strong and kind person, and you deserve the emotional support and consideration you give to others, too. <3 I hope it is okay to say that here once in a while. I will shut it if you like, this is your space, haha.
did a review over my work and saw where I needed to make improvements. Normal stuff, everyone has places they need to improve, but I felt so bad for not being better at a job I basically started 3 months ago. I was angry at myself for all the mistakes that I made for something I had no expertise in. And I know it is silly and ridiculous to feel that I am a failure for not avoiding those mistakes or to continue to make them time after time.
but I know I wont get better unless I fail at something and get better... I just don't want to fail.
Emotionally, I am running on fumes again. trying to reach some sort of plateau to get a vantage point of my life from, but the mountain only gets steeper. I have lost all focus and motivation to do the most basic things in life. So many descisions to make, not enough time to decide, not enough money to implement the best options. I feel like I am running non stop 24/7 for absolutely nothing at all.
My brain is buzzing but my body cannot keep up. I am so unsure of everything. I don't want to make another false move and it does not help that more and more people in my family are finding out about my upcoming divorce. they pepper me with questions or hush their talking when I go to visit them. I have heard so many I told you so's and "don't sign any paper work" or "you should take him for what he's got" followed by the angry jeers when I mention that I have chosen the path of least resistance. I feel like they all want me to be spiteful and vengeful, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.
even father tells me "Don't be dumb." but wasn't I always dumb?
wasn't I always the failure, am I not still a failure now?
When will the torture end?
@Psyphire
I'm sorry that people are trying to push you to think/feel certain things about your decisions at a time when you're already feeling unsure/shaky about what you're doing. I appreciate that you're able to identify when certain things other people say just don't feel like they fit or work. Like, people saying that you should be spiteful when you're just looking for some basic peace/well-being and don't want to start anything too stressful/conflictual. They aren't you so they don't necessarily know what's helpful/workable for you. And they also aren't the ones who have to live with the repercussions of the suggestions they're making if it turns out that they're completely off-base.
I broke down yesterday, but I needed to. I have gone a couple of months forcing myself to be fine and focusing on everyone but myself. I figured since life was going to continue moving whether I was moving or not, why not keep busy. I am still terrible at caring for myself.
I have alot of ideas for how to move on, and I have been stuck on the 'how' to go about things. But that was not the question that needed answering, despite the plans I was begining to lay out, I did not move forward with many of them, because I had no real motivation. I knew how to move forward, I never thought about a why should I move in that direction.
I suppose tht asking why always started some form of downward spiral out of control.
Why should I go back to school for the same thing that drove me nuts in high school?
Why do I want to even go back to school, there are other options like starting my own business or going full time into writing.
Why an I stil hurting? Why do I still care?
Why won't I move on?
Why have I not done this sooner?
Why do I still feel like a failure in spite of all my progress?
Why does it matter that I am hurting? Why does how I feel matter?
Why isn't ignoring the pain working?
Why am I not happy?
Why is nothing I am doing working for very long?
Why does it feel like every step forward is also a step back?
Why am I allowing this to bother me?
Why am I allowing it to get to me?
Why do I need all the answers ? Maybe I don't.
Why am I obsessed with feeling better?
Last two years have been rough to say the least, I haven't posted in a long time so why not do a massive update now? I had to move out and go back home to New York city, Job was burning me out, rent became too expensive roommates left because of C. I talked to my brother and we agreed it was probably time to head back to mom for a bit and get back on track. We moved in April of last year. Mom was excited of course and I needed the extra emotional support, but I miss having my own room.
But earthquakes in life aren't all bad at times.
My old friends have flooded to my sides since, eager to reconnect and get me back on my feet. It was refreshing to be around people who were concerned for my well being. Mom was correct about the physical distance from my ex being a thing I needed to do.
Circumstances put a hard hold on the divorce process and gave me more time to talk about how I was feeling. I was fighting for the longest to have him consider counseling or something, but moving back home seemed to flip a switch in me. I wanted nothing to do with him, I no longer sobbed at nights missing his touch or desiring to hear him say "I want you back."
It was very freeing. I never thought I would ever get to that place, I still do cry from time to time, upset at all the time I wasted on him, but maybe it was the post of his on Facebook my mom showed me of him celebrating an anniversary with his fiance that put a nail in the coffin for me. We had not turned in the papers to the courthouse, and he already had another wife lined up to replace me. I wanted nothing more to do with him. I wasn't the happiest in my situation, but I wasn't the most miserable either.
Not only until after I let go trying to save my dead marriage, did the other impossible thing happen, I caught feelings for someone else. Ok, a partial lie. I have known this person for 16 years and had a crush on him for about 11. I never thought I was good enough for them and so avoided talking to them. But for whatever reason, I started being more bold. Hunting him down every sabbath at church just to say hi, letting him walk me to the bus stop after service, hand sewn him a blanket of his favorite colors for his birthday, helping out just to be near him, texting him into all hours of the night. (Don't ask how I never realized the feeling was mutual for months!)
WELL, as life would have it, my ex expressed interest in getting back together, threw my whole life into chaos. I was floored by that revelation alone, only for it to be followed up with claims of trouble in the waters on his end, several jobs lost, behind on rent and bills (Who wasn't) and his desire to work things out between us.
Livid is not a strong enough word that I felt , the blast from mt Helena was not strong enough to describe my unbridled rage. I had spent years trying to get him to consider coming back, and just as I had decided on moving on, he comes back to haunt me like this was part of some divine plan of retribution. Weeks were spent trying to figure out what the next step would be. Do I continue moving forward? or do I step back to see if we could move forward together.
My hesitation to say yes only made my ex unhappy with me. He had probably hoped I was still heads over heels with him. And while I do still care about him, Love is too strong a word now. I bought a journal to write down how it was making me feel conflicted. On one end my christian upbringing yelling into me that I needed to do everything I could to fix my marriage, its Sacred and if he wanted to put the work in, give him a chance. However, on the other end is a battle worn mouse who has fallen for a trap once, and refuses to fall for it again. On one side, asking myself if I was the cause of his cheating. On the other, I am reminded of all the times he cheated and was forgiven, and still did it again, no matter what I tried, no matter how I changed.
It hurt even more as I friends attempt to keep me on the bright side of things to belittle his current girlfriend and remind me that deserve so much better, but that is difficult to hear. I was not comfortable putting down other people, even if they deserve it. Did that poor girl know what she was getting into? Was he kinder to her than when he was with me? Has he refrained from throwing things when angry? has he learned to open up and communicate more? I know none of these things for certain, so I tend to reserve judgement. However, they were correct that our relationship was not exactly the best and running back into his arms was bound to be a disaster. After several prayers, I finally came to my own conclusion on how best to move forward. I was far too scarred from my relationship with him. I could never trust him as I needed to, and that would cause far more
I messaged him, too cowardly to call him and say it out loud. "I want to continue with our divorce." I was sure I could taste his displeasure. He questioned my decision, but didn't push for me to change my mind. I was sure he knew it was partly because I was falling for someone else, but I never told him about my crush, I had nightmares about what would happen if I did so, many nightmares about him learning about him and doing petty things to keep me from divorcing him. silly things like threatening him to stay away because he noticed how I looked at him, or revealing to the church that I was indeed planning to leave him thus making me a laughingstock, probably even an outcast if anything.
And I know these nightmares are silly because it is all in my head, but I had similar nightmares before my ex left me, that he had found someone he loves more, and he didn't want to be with me, dreams where he wanted to come back, but I had moved on to someone else. I had dreams like these months before he left me. But I also know that my anxiety causes me to see the worst many times, and I didn't want to become paranoid about it.
But at least I had made a decision and followed through on it.
What about my crush? I finally confessed to him sometime in October, while drunk because why would the chicken say anything sober? After he had made it a bit clearer that he was interested (Because I am a blind chicken, he is just blind.)
And I was really surprised to discover we had both been crushing on the other for years before I had gotten married. we finally started dating in November and it is absolutely a dream so far. still saving up to file the divorce papers (Why is it so darn expensive.), but all the paperwork has been signed and dated by both my Ex and I and I hope it doesn't take more than a year or so to complete, but only time will tell.
Today is rather quiet and peaceful. I shouldn't be very unhappy, but I am for whatever reason. It has nothing to do with Valentine's Day coming, although I am justly nervous. It is not work related as I enjoy my job and the people I work with. I hate feeling miserable without knowing the cause of my misery.
I wonder if I am the only one who becomes twice as self conscious when in a new relationship? Not just nitpicking the usual, like clothing and mannerisms, trying to show the best side of myself at all times, but the more sinister kind.
I Think he deserves someone far more put together than me. I am scared that others will put me down for punching above my weight. It's not fair to him that I feel this way at times, he deserves someone with more self confidence than I do at this time. I want to become better for him, he doesn't seem bothered by all the things that drive me insane about myself. Is that fair to assume though? that nothing is irritating him and I am doing just fine? Is it possible to not need copious amounts of affirmation to just get by?
Does all my worrying mean that I am not ready for a relationship? Do I try to let him down or try harder to prove myself. Is there anything to prove?
Well, He agreed to date me. He has known about my self doubt for years. He tries to keep to the positive side of things, and he has shown the ability to talk about the tough things. If there was a problem, I know we could talk through it. Perhaps I am just being hard on myself, Dating is my chance to learn if we can vibe. Its ok if things are not absolutely perfect. I should strive to be honest with myself and my partner, I won't know if something isn't working if I do not communicate.
I feel terrible. I want to say Monday was great, and in some ways it was quite nice. But I tried sushi for the first time and discovered my body doesn't like barely cooked well seasoned fish. I loved the taste, but my stomach was fed up with me by the fifth piece.
My date was quite worried about me and I felt horrible, I tried to laugh it off but my date was not convinced of that I would be so unbothered by this and it seemed to weigh on him the whole night.
It probably made my date worry more about me when I politely declined to eat and drink further despite being very hungry still, I knew he had spent a great deal of money on the sushi and didn't want to burden him further financially. I felt like such a burden already, I really wanted everything to go well and it wasn't and it made me stressed and anxious and I started to notice eyes on me from all over and just felt uncomfortable.
Things became better at the arcade. Though I avoided being too competitive because I rage far too easily playing video games. Turns out he wanted some form of competition. I suck at most games, especially PVP style games, I am not sure how I could even want more competition most games were really close between us. Even if I lost every single one.
We endeavored to end the night on a high note, going to a doughnut shop and enjoying a long walk to talk about how everything went and what we could do to make things better. I was still a little sour about the sushi not working out for me, but that I was willing to try again in the future. we also suggested trying a different type of arcade to see if there would be games I would be better at, keep things balanced and more fun for both of us. It was not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, I just wish things went smoothly.
Not feeling my best today. Honestly I have been feeling worse and worse since Tuesday. I know in part it is due to having to fill out the papers for divorce and talking to my Ex about the details so we can have everything go smoothly. I know that he partially changed his mind over the summer last year, but by then I was unwilling to go back to him.
I am not sure what the feeling is that I feel when I think of him again when trying to navigate the 80 or so pages I have to fill out, I know the word that triggers the emotion is abandonment. it's one of the possible grounds for divorce. It's not the 'No Fault' option, but it is more accurate than that one. It causes me to ruminate on the questions I never gotten answers for.
Why? When it seemed like we were getting back on track and the dust of the chaos from being homeless was finally settling, why did you leave?
Why was I no longer worth the effort? We had come so far, finally back on our feet. I felt like real progress was being made. What went wrong?
Why wasn't therapy an option? or counseling? Was I such a lost cause that you didn't want to even try?
Was I that much of a burden, that anything was better than living with me?
I keep thinking of why I get triggered by the word Abandonment, but then I remember,
You left without saying much of anything to me. You wanted space, so you moved in with a classmate from college. It hurt a lot, but you promised you would be back, that you would talk things out with me once you had everything figured out.
I was really lonely. work became harder to do I had to pretend to be happy in the school, but I was miserable inside. My brother told me that you would not return, I refused to believe him.
The few times you would message me brought me hope that you would return, but they also made me hurt more. You never came to spend a weekend with me, you were always too busy to do so.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I had to rely on meletonin and Unisom to get sleep at nights. I cried often, ate little and lost a lot of weight. I had bad depressive outbreak, the teddy bear you gave me for valentines a few months after you left was the only thing that kept me going.
Each month became harder to bear, you made no effort to visit me or call me or text me. I remember sending you messages and getting one word responses, I remember begging to be able to spend our anniversary with you.
I admitted to you that I had nightmares of divorce papers coming in the mail because you were being so distant, You told me that would never happen. I remember that day we spent in the mall for our 6 year anniversary being the happiest I had felt in such a long time, even when you paid no attention to me.
I remember the second my heart shattered when I looked over to see which Pokemon you caught, only to also catch the message another woman had sent you confessing their love for you. You were quick to hide it, I pretended not to see it. I wanted to delay the pain for as long as possible. I wanted to be happy.
I remember the argument we had just the day after that, because you finally admitted to wanting a divorce and I felt like such a fool. I was so angry. You promised me that we would figure things out, you promised me that you would come back.
I held on for so long, believing that despite the odds you would have returned to me. You never did, and when she left you, and ripped your heart to shreds, I'll admit I had hoped you would return. You did not. you simply found someone new.
Took three years to accept that you were gone. THREE YEARS. This year marked the 4 year anniversary that you left me, and I still hurt.
The pain is still there. I am the one initiating this divorce, but you were the one who left. I am doing everything in my power to make this painless, but there is still so much pain to deal with.
Anger- I am angry with myself, for believing that you would return. For ignoring all the signs that you were having an affair, for having hope in something that was clearly dying. I am angry that I was trying so hard for you even after you left in denying how much pain I was in to be civil when I had every right to be angry. I am angry that I am the one having to file all these papers and pay for this divorce when you were the one who wanted this in the first place.
I am angry that you want to work things out between us after all this time, if you wanted to do so, you should have done so years ago. not when I wish to move forward with someone else (though I have not told you about me wanting to move on until after you asked but 3 years seem a little late for me.)
Sad- I am sad when you tell me that the grass was not greener on the other side as you had hoped. That you wish we could work things out. It is hard to trust what you tell me anymore though. I love you, but I really cannot risk that kind of heartbreak with you again, I would break. I almost did last time. If my brother was not there I would have self destructed, I might not be alive today if he didn't support me in my darkest days. I am sad that I couldn't be what you needed in your life, so much so that you left me. I am sad that I was such a failure for you. I am sad that I have to do this, but we need to heal, and it is so much harder for me
Harder for me because I still have to talk to you, as a friend and you want to stay friends after the divorce, but I am just so embittered by the ongoing experience that I just can't be that kind companion. Every-time you talk about her to me or enlighten me about the things happening in your life without me, I feel nothing but anger.
And emphasis on ongoing. I may be over you, but I am not Through with you. I still have to file all these papers and pay all these fees because it is cheaper than paying for a lawyer. not like you will move a finger to assist in any way because you still want me on the fence as some sort of backup plan when everything goes to heck with your fiance. I refuse to be that.
If I am not important enough to work things out with, then why this?
If you were on the fence about leaving me, why did you leave? Why did you lie to me ?
Why did you refuse to talk about it , or go to a counselor?
None of that matters. You had plenty of time to tell me why and how, you chose not to and that hurt me a great deal. I don't think getting the answering those answers will help heal me either.
I Just wish I didn't have to do all this paperwork just to get to the next step in getting over you. I really don't need the ongoing struggle to destroy what I am trying to build.
oh to be in love sometimes. I am still adjusting to being in a more stable relationship, but I find I am still working on my personal emotional baggage and being aware of when it is getting in the way of enjoying all the adorable cute moments.
He showers me with compliments and tries to spoil me often. I have a hard time accepting those compliments because I am became more self critical since my husband left. I still enjoy my independence and really hate when people try to pay things for me or get me expensive gifts. However, I am learning to accept the kindness of others and not belittle myself when I get complimented. I am learning not to think of myself as a burden when others want to get me something nice or pay for a meal.
Its difficult, really difficult. I want to be perfect in every way for him, but he insists on me staying true to myself. Its not something I am used to. He only seems to notice all the good in me. Makes me want to do expand on my strengths and work on minimizing my weaknesses.
I don't feel like I deserve someone as nice as him, or as understanding or as sweet. This is one of the largest hurdles I have had to confront since separating from my husband. I know rebuilding my self worth is going to take a while. If I could learn to manage those difficult emotions while building myself back up and building a new connection, I feel like I would have made real progress in my life.
