A place to think... and let go

Sometimes I ponder my situation and feel rather dismal. 26 dead end job, no degree, a failed marriage, no kids, nothing.

What the heck was I doing for six years? being someone's wife, one who was hardly appreciated and never listened to, forced to repress my own emotions in fear of his own, one who has left without giving me just cause and thinks that we can be friends somehow. what was I all these years? useless and hopeless, with no direction and no resolve. all I wanted was to be wanted, to be cared for, for someone to believe that I mattered.

But no one cares but me. no one worries about how I feel about things but me, and I should never have expected anyone to do so, not like I ever mattered before, why should I matter now? because I say so? They never listened, he never listened. how dare I think that I was ever beautiful and worth someone's love and affection. how dare I believe that things were going to get better, that by now I could have become some happy little house wife in a house by the beach. life has never worked that way for me this way, how dare I believe it was ever going to change. I have watched him move on, I have seen how happy he is now and it makes me angry. how dare he be happy and free with all the pain and suffering he put me through, how is it that he and his mistress can be so carefree while i pine constantly for him in the background. how has he just moved on like I never meant anything to him. I wish I never knew him or any of the happier times we have had, just so I could be free from all the pain this has brought me. now I am just broken goods. my husband no longer cares if I live or die, I want to forget and move on, but the process is slow and painful. I don't want to feel anything anymore. and I want to move on. maybe eventually find love elsewhere, but that won't happen for another six years at least,

everything is so overwhelming... i dont know what to do anymore.

@NoneTheWiser thank you. I think I needed to hear myself say those words. Your kindness is appreciated.

ever tried walking with two sleeping legs? the painful pins and needles that punish you moving, but you know deep inside that if you don't get upand move that it will get worse, so you get up and try to walk on two numb, dead feeling legs. balance is off pain is severe, but you keep moving. soon the pain is not as bad, the pins and needles are more like a annoying buzz and you are able to walk without almost falling over. right now I feel like this, knowing this will get better if I could just start moving, but I don't want to. ignoring the pain will not help either. I made it through easter without crying constantly which was a plus, but I also learned I am not ready to watch korean romantic dramas without lots of tissues... perhaps I should avoid them for a while longer?

Started writing stories again, just looking through my old works was enough to spark a vast field of ideas.

"What if I tried it this way?" or "I think I could have written this better." and before long I had spent the whole of sunday just writing away getting lost in my thoughts. i realized how much i missed soing such a simple little thing, it was strange to me.

Hubby messeged me Saturday. I was somehow hoping it was to check up on me since we have not spoken for nearly 2 weeks now, but it was about money as usual, the closing costs for the electric bill were quite higher than either of us had anticipated. I gave hints of annoyance at his attempt to use me as his personal bank, but it saddned me more that this was all he was willing to talk about anymore. He does not ever think of me or how I even feel, but he was the one who suggested we stay friends after the divorce, was that too a lie.

I should not dwell on it, there are better things to do than this. better things to worry about like birthday plans. and finding movie tickets.

I feel a little bit different after my birthday passed last weekend. Not wiser or stronger, just ... different. A small shift in worldview maybe? just a tad more mature I think. I am sort of scared of the change, it was not at all subtle, it came like thunder and shook the foundations of my thinking. I find myself wanting things I normally do not care for. for once in my life I am considering keeping my hair short instead of trying to grow it longer, I want to dye it copper instead of it's more natural dark brown. I want to experiment with different writing genres and not just fantasy. I find I am being more definitive in the types of clothing I want to wear, going for more floral patterns and big bows.

The biggest scare to me, is that I want to be alone again. I always dreaded living by myself, so many dark lonely nights to fear, so many bad things that could happen, my anxiety would not allow it. but these days as the thought comes to me, I kinda wish for it. I miss the peace and quiet that comes with being alone. I have started challenging my negative thoughts more often and with a bit more passion. I am learning to recognize when I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

I have taken time to consider the things I want and the things I need to do to get them. I am still making decisions on what I want to do with my life from now on, but I am starting to have a faint Idea of what I want that to look like. I have spent most of my life trying to please others, making sure that they were happy above all else, I lost track of what made me uniquely me. I gave up everything I ever wanted to be when I got married. I never regretted that decision, I still don't. however, I feel like now is a better time than any to make some forward movement.

I do still love and pine for my estranged husband. sometimes I can't help but feel like he will come back to me at any moment he chooses. I have decided to keep the door open for communication if he wants it, but I am well aware that if he does come back, it will be to a far different person than I am now, hopefully not one who is too bitter to forgive, hopefully one who will know what course of action to take. I do not know if he will change for the better, or if we will be compatible at whatever time he comes back, IF he even decides to. maybe the new me will have that figured out by then, maybe she would have found someone far better (Still greatly doubt it.)

I have started writing again. Something about pain and hurt always bring me to pen and paper, or Microsoft word. Last time I was this eager, I wrote a whole 3 books worth of novels. This time I have started anew with something that hit much closer to home, and I think I can make something out of it. I also wrote letters to my husband. more like a time capsule thing where I won't send them to him until 5 years from now or when he gets remarried and stuff. It has been a great way to get things off my chest and vent without fear of backlash. a safer way to communicate and ensure I will be heard before conclusions are jumped to. I don't know if I will ever let him read them to be honest. something the new me will also figure out.

I finally got another job, one that pays better and has benefits, a full time job. Quite the shift from the part time job I loved doing for 6 years now, but I need to move on if I am to support myself and whatnot. I was so terrified that I had botched the whole interview and came across as uneducated and desperate, but they gave me an offer the same day. I was floored. My friend tell me I lack self esteem which hurts my confidence, but I have been that way since I was young, I have no idea how to fix that. She thinks I will be just fine, and once I find myself and figure out my worth I will go places, maybe even get a promotion in a year's time. And those words of hers has me all fired up and scared at the same time. What if I fail? What if I do everything right and I am looked over anyway? I try not to think on those things.

My anniversary passed recently. I was, for some reason, expecting my husband to call me and wish me well despite things as they were. I still have a hard time accepting that he has moved on and could almost care less about me... almost, because he did message me, just not about our anniversary. He wanted to talk about pokemon and congratulate me on the new job. He treated me like friend, like we were nothing more than that. I know he does this out of pity for me, that he worries that I will slip back into some terrible depression and finally...

But I am stronger than that I think. I have no one else to live for but myself, I want to be worth the trouble.

This week has been a battle. I took time to properly look back at my life and consider things. And everything I decided to let go, was met with with a waterfall of tears and earthquake like headaches. There was so much I realized I held in, or held grudges against, so much pain to unpack and throw away. It hurt so much but I had to let go. And with every victory came a defeat. Some days it's easy other days it's impossible all I can do is keep trying and trying and trying. I would love for this pain to end to just move on like nothing ever happened. But that's just wishful thinking and I know better.

Looked at myself in the mirror, saw a stronger more beautiful woman than the one six months prior. Better job, new apartment, a little less overwhelmed, a little less stressed. Kind of like night and day to me. I did not recognize myself for a moment. But I was there, and I was happy. Took a picture to remember it by. Realized I had not taken a selfie in quite some time. Perhaps because I felt ashamed of myself?

@NoneTheWiser thank you for your kind words. I really never thought I had improved much at all

@Psyphire

Hi, thank you for writing. It is a privlidge to read how you are handling your heartache, even those difficult back and forth conversations with the self. You sound like a woman with a kind and strong spirit, and you are very thoughtful (makes me interested in your fiction, haha). The 'perfection paradigm' that feeds this expectation that you can 'get over' things in some graceful, efficient, independent, inobtrusive way is something I relate to very much (at least, that is what I interpret from what you've written). In that, I find one of the greatest challenges is practicing patience with myself. If that is also your experience, I'd like to affirm to be patient with how long it takes to process and heal from everything you've gone through. You deserve the consideration. <3

Best wishes to you for your new job. :)

@calypteanna

Thank you. I do find it hard to be patient with myself and constantly fight the thought that should be better by now, but I am also starting to realize the fruits of those baby steps I have made, and it encourages me to keep pushing forward.

The new job demands a lot of mental gymnastics from me, but I am finding a way to balance work and my life in some way. Not very efficiently, but not likely to end with me dead from stress.

The last three weeks have been interesting to me to say the least. I treated myself in a more grand fashion than I have had been able to in years, buying that expensive dress I had seen in the mall come and go every other season. I did my hair, bought a pair of shoes for the first time in an eternity, and I felt great about myself everything was so freeing.

I still notice when people look at me and laugh at my awkwardness, but it did not bother me much that day. I spoke to some new friends and they were heavily bashing on my soon to be ex husband in ways that made me uncomfortable. As angry as he made me at times, I have never considered him selfish or a deadbeat of any kind and perhaps that is me being naive. I get that told to me a lot these days. Like there is something wrong with being optimistic. But their words put in me a rather odd notion, to go speak with him, after all we had not seen each other in months. But that idea was shut down by most of the sisterhood. They thought I was not ready to face the truth of my situation.

But as the God of the universe would have it, he made that man sense my desire, and Michael sent me a message stating he wanted to meet up and talk. I was eager to hear him out and tried my best to show off, but the anxiety hit me before my confidence did and I ended up fainting, falling down a few steps and fainting again, all in front of him.

But speaking with him, opened my eyes to his truth and gave me reason to accept our separation.

I am feeling homesick.

I went on a campout with my mother and some old friends all of whom live in new york still since I moved. It was so refreshing to see them again and talk to them. I was so much fun to see how they have changed or what little things stayed the same. and when it came time to leave, and they begged me to stay, I broke inside. I wanted to stay with them.

I do not know what I really want anymore.

The last couple of weeks were tough ones. I felt like all the progress I made was reduced to mere suggestions of change rather than large leaps in wisdom and experiance. My inner peace was gone, I was moody and unable to focus on the things that mattered. I was caught up in day dreams both pleasent and painful and I refused to sleep at a proper time. I was so very nervous because the days were ticking down to the day we had set to sign the paperwork for filing our divorce, and I thought I would have been able to hold myself up better by now.

I kinda feel silly now, making such a fuss over signing a few papers, and I am worried that when it comes time to go to court, I will be far worse than this.

Working with kids is interesting. I played a game with the kids today where they needed to find patterns to create sets of three. one child was having difficulty making sets because they were focused on finding peices that were not on the board to complete possible sets he saw rather than make sets from what he was given. I had to constantly remind him to focus on what he had, and not on what he needed.

This was a bit of a trigger to me. I noticed lately I found it harder to concentrate on getting things done. everything has been "if only he did not leave me" or "if we had only tried this or waited until..." this change in focus has damaged me some.

I have also been bothered by the actions of one of my roommates. I never expected to always get along, but one has let some power get to her head and I caused her to have an anxiety attack when I confronted her about her behavoir. She is upset that a couple we took in to assist has had some problems helping with rent. I have been in their shoes before so I have made no complaints. we get the normal 330 from them every month and while they get into a position to do more, I am content with what they can give, but my roommate C is not. She claims to understand, only to badger our guests about things that irk her that are none of her concern to begin with.

last night's argrument eneded in disaster. C was upset because our roommate is putting a great deal of money per month to pay off a car that they do not yet have access to. C wants them to sell the car so they can pay more for rent. couple refuses to sell car because we live in an area where a car is more benificial in the long term. C gets more upset and mentions their priorites are not in order and they need to step up or get out. I remind C that it is not her place to kick someone out of the house and that currently she does not pay any rent, just me, my brother and the couple. this hits a nerve with her as this was something that bothered her for months, and she hates to be reminded of it, but I felt it nesscesary because she has started to act more bossy in the house as the person who is trusted to collect rent and turn it in. (probably more so because she dates my brother.) trying to get her to look at things from our point of view agitates her (confrontation is a trigger) and she panics.

I know she will be mad at me for a while. this is not the first time I have forced her to take an unwanted inward look at herself and she feels attacked by me. I did apologize for pushing the issue as I did not pick up right away the usual signs of her distress and argued more when I should have stopped. she has yet to accept the apology, I am not upset about it. she may open up again after some time has passed and she is ready to talk. it still bothers me however, but trying to force her to talk now will likely end things worse than before.

@Psyphire

It is good to hear how you are doing. Your living situation sounds pretty stressful. It sounds like you are being very generous and understanding with C, and with the couple. Balancing that conflict is tricky, and that you step up and try to smooth those things out is not something very many people could or would do.

The children always looking for what they dont have even in play - wow, I guess we start those tendencies young sometimes! I wonder if recognizing it and helping them see what they have in such a safe context will help them with those bigger life lessons. :) Maybe struggle is not always in vain if it means being better able to see when it is happening in others, and how we can help (even if that help means letting someone be a bit offended by the truth for a while, in the case of C...).

Um... sorry to muse so much. Mostly I want to say that you are a strong and kind person, and you deserve the emotional support and consideration you give to others, too. <3 I hope it is okay to say that here once in a while. I will shut it if you like, this is your space, haha.

@calypteanna

I appreciate your thoughts. I am also ok with others commenting. I would feel somewhat silly for feeling comfortable posting something online publicly, but getting upset when others comment on it. I think it helps sometimes to hear encouragement from others.

did a review over my work and saw where I needed to make improvements. Normal stuff, everyone has places they need to improve, but I felt so bad for not being better at a job I basically started 3 months ago. I was angry at myself for all the mistakes that I made for something I had no expertise in. And I know it is silly and ridiculous to feel that I am a failure for not avoiding those mistakes or to continue to make them time after time.

but I know I wont get better unless I fail at something and get better... I just don't want to fail.

Emotionally, I am running on fumes again. trying to reach some sort of plateau to get a vantage point of my life from, but the mountain only gets steeper. I have lost all focus and motivation to do the most basic things in life. So many descisions to make, not enough time to decide, not enough money to implement the best options. I feel like I am running non stop 24/7 for absolutely nothing at all.

My brain is buzzing but my body cannot keep up. I am so unsure of everything. I don't want to make another false move and it does not help that more and more people in my family are finding out about my upcoming divorce. they pepper me with questions or hush their talking when I go to visit them. I have heard so many I told you so's and "don't sign any paper work" or "you should take him for what he's got" followed by the angry jeers when I mention that I have chosen the path of least resistance. I feel like they all want me to be spiteful and vengeful, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.

even father tells me "Don't be dumb." but wasn't I always dumb?

wasn't I always the failure, am I not still a failure now?

When will the torture end?

@Psyphire

I'm sorry that people are trying to push you to think/feel certain things about your decisions at a time when you're already feeling unsure/shaky about what you're doing. I appreciate that you're able to identify when certain things other people say just don't feel like they fit or work. Like, people saying that you should be spiteful when you're just looking for some basic peace/well-being and don't want to start anything too stressful/conflictual. They aren't you so they don't necessarily know what's helpful/workable for you. And they also aren't the ones who have to live with the repercussions of the suggestions they're making if it turns out that they're completely off-base.

@frigidstars27

thank you for your kind words. I often find it hard to express my concern to my family in a way that helps them understand where I am coming from and the consequences I am aware of.

I broke down yesterday, but I needed to. I have gone a couple of months forcing myself to be fine and focusing on everyone but myself. I figured since life was going to continue moving whether I was moving or not, why not keep busy. I am still terrible at caring for myself.

I have alot of ideas for how to move on, and I have been stuck on the 'how' to go about things. But that was not the question that needed answering, despite the plans I was begining to lay out, I did not move forward with many of them, because I had no real motivation. I knew how to move forward, I never thought about a why should I move in that direction.

I suppose tht asking why always started some form of downward spiral out of control.

Why should I go back to school for the same thing that drove me nuts in high school?

Why do I want to even go back to school, there are other options like starting my own business or going full time into writing.

Why an I stil hurting? Why do I still care?

Why won't I move on?

Why have I not done this sooner?

Why do I still feel like a failure in spite of all my progress?

Why does it matter that I am hurting? Why does how I feel matter?

Why isn't ignoring the pain working?

Why am I not happy?

Why is nothing I am doing working for very long?

Why does it feel like every step forward is also a step back?

Why am I allowing this to bother me?

Why am I allowing it to get to me?

Why do I need all the answers ? Maybe I don't.

Why am I obsessed with feeling better?

Last two years have been rough to say the least, I haven't posted in a long time so why not do a massive update now? I had to move out and go back home to New York city, Job was burning me out, rent became too expensive roommates left because of C. I talked to my brother and we agreed it was probably time to head back to mom for a bit and get back on track. We moved in April of last year. Mom was excited of course and I needed the extra emotional support, but I miss having my own room.

But earthquakes in life aren't all bad at times.

My old friends have flooded to my sides since, eager to reconnect and get me back on my feet. It was refreshing to be around people who were concerned for my well being. Mom was correct about the physical distance from my ex being a thing I needed to do.

Circumstances put a hard hold on the divorce process and gave me more time to talk about how I was feeling. I was fighting for the longest to have him consider counseling or something, but moving back home seemed to flip a switch in me. I wanted nothing to do with him, I no longer sobbed at nights missing his touch or desiring to hear him say "I want you back."

It was very freeing. I never thought I would ever get to that place, I still do cry from time to time, upset at all the time I wasted on him, but maybe it was the post of his on Facebook my mom showed me of him celebrating an anniversary with his fiance that put a nail in the coffin for me. We had not turned in the papers to the courthouse, and he already had another wife lined up to replace me. I wanted nothing more to do with him. I wasn't the happiest in my situation, but I wasn't the most miserable either.

Not only until after I let go trying to save my dead marriage, did the other impossible thing happen, I caught feelings for someone else. Ok, a partial lie. I have known this person for 16 years and had a crush on him for about 11. I never thought I was good enough for them and so avoided talking to them. But for whatever reason, I started being more bold. Hunting him down every sabbath at church just to say hi, letting him walk me to the bus stop after service, hand sewn him a blanket of his favorite colors for his birthday, helping out just to be near him, texting him into all hours of the night. (Don't ask how I never realized the feeling was mutual for months!)

WELL, as life would have it, my ex expressed interest in getting back together, threw my whole life into chaos. I was floored by that revelation alone, only for it to be followed up with claims of trouble in the waters on his end, several jobs lost, behind on rent and bills (Who wasn't) and his desire to work things out between us.

Livid is not a strong enough word that I felt , the blast from mt Helena was not strong enough to describe my unbridled rage. I had spent years trying to get him to consider coming back, and just as I had decided on moving on, he comes back to haunt me like this was part of some divine plan of retribution. Weeks were spent trying to figure out what the next step would be. Do I continue moving forward? or do I step back to see if we could move forward together.

My hesitation to say yes only made my ex unhappy with me. He had probably hoped I was still heads over heels with him. And while I do still care about him, Love is too strong a word now. I bought a journal to write down how it was making me feel conflicted. On one end my christian upbringing yelling into me that I needed to do everything I could to fix my marriage, its Sacred and if he wanted to put the work in, give him a chance. However, on the other end is a battle worn mouse who has fallen for a trap once, and refuses to fall for it again. On one side, asking myself if I was the cause of his cheating. On the other, I am reminded of all the times he cheated and was forgiven, and still did it again, no matter what I tried, no matter how I changed.

It hurt even more as I friends attempt to keep me on the bright side of things to belittle his current girlfriend and remind me that deserve so much better, but that is difficult to hear. I was not comfortable putting down other people, even if they deserve it. Did that poor girl know what she was getting into? Was he kinder to her than when he was with me? Has he refrained from throwing things when angry? has he learned to open up and communicate more? I know none of these things for certain, so I tend to reserve judgement. However, they were correct that our relationship was not exactly the best and running back into his arms was bound to be a disaster. After several prayers, I finally came to my own conclusion on how best to move forward. I was far too scarred from my relationship with him. I could never trust him as I needed to, and that would cause far more

I messaged him, too cowardly to call him and say it out loud. "I want to continue with our divorce." I was sure I could taste his displeasure. He questioned my decision, but didn't push for me to change my mind. I was sure he knew it was partly because I was falling for someone else, but I never told him about my crush, I had nightmares about what would happen if I did so, many nightmares about him learning about him and doing petty things to keep me from divorcing him. silly things like threatening him to stay away because he noticed how I looked at him, or revealing to the church that I was indeed planning to leave him thus making me a laughingstock, probably even an outcast if anything.

And I know these nightmares are silly because it is all in my head, but I had similar nightmares before my ex left me, that he had found someone he loves more, and he didn't want to be with me, dreams where he wanted to come back, but I had moved on to someone else. I had dreams like these months before he left me. But I also know that my anxiety causes me to see the worst many times, and I didn't want to become paranoid about it.

But at least I had made a decision and followed through on it.

What about my crush? I finally confessed to him sometime in October, while drunk because why would the chicken say anything sober? After he had made it a bit clearer that he was interested (Because I am a blind chicken, he is just blind.)

And I was really surprised to discover we had both been crushing on the other for years before I had gotten married. we finally started dating in November and it is absolutely a dream so far. still saving up to file the divorce papers (Why is it so darn expensive.), but all the paperwork has been signed and dated by both my Ex and I and I hope it doesn't take more than a year or so to complete, but only time will tell.

Today is rather quiet and peaceful. I shouldn't be very unhappy, but I am for whatever reason. It has nothing to do with Valentine's Day coming, although I am justly nervous. It is not work related as I enjoy my job and the people I work with. I hate feeling miserable without knowing the cause of my misery.

I wonder if I am the only one who becomes twice as self conscious when in a new relationship? Not just nitpicking the usual, like clothing and mannerisms, trying to show the best side of myself at all times, but the more sinister kind.

I Think he deserves someone far more put together than me. I am scared that others will put me down for punching above my weight. It's not fair to him that I feel this way at times, he deserves someone with more self confidence than I do at this time. I want to become better for him, he doesn't seem bothered by all the things that drive me insane about myself. Is that fair to assume though? that nothing is irritating him and I am doing just fine? Is it possible to not need copious amounts of affirmation to just get by?

Does all my worrying mean that I am not ready for a relationship? Do I try to let him down or try harder to prove myself. Is there anything to prove?

Well, He agreed to date me. He has known about my self doubt for years. He tries to keep to the positive side of things, and he has shown the ability to talk about the tough things. If there was a problem, I know we could talk through it. Perhaps I am just being hard on myself, Dating is my chance to learn if we can vibe. Its ok if things are not absolutely perfect. I should strive to be honest with myself and my partner, I won't know if something isn't working if I do not communicate.

I feel terrible. I want to say Monday was great, and in some ways it was quite nice. But I tried sushi for the first time and discovered my body doesn't like barely cooked well seasoned fish. I loved the taste, but my stomach was fed up with me by the fifth piece.

My date was quite worried about me and I felt horrible, I tried to laugh it off but my date was not convinced of that I would be so unbothered by this and it seemed to weigh on him the whole night.

It probably made my date worry more about me when I politely declined to eat and drink further despite being very hungry still, I knew he had spent a great deal of money on the sushi and didn't want to burden him further financially. I felt like such a burden already, I really wanted everything to go well and it wasn't and it made me stressed and anxious and I started to notice eyes on me from all over and just felt uncomfortable.

Things became better at the arcade. Though I avoided being too competitive because I rage far too easily playing video games. Turns out he wanted some form of competition. I suck at most games, especially PVP style games, I am not sure how I could even want more competition most games were really close between us. Even if I lost every single one.

We endeavored to end the night on a high note, going to a doughnut shop and enjoying a long walk to talk about how everything went and what we could do to make things better. I was still a little sour about the sushi not working out for me, but that I was willing to try again in the future. we also suggested trying a different type of arcade to see if there would be games I would be better at, keep things balanced and more fun for both of us. It was not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, I just wish things went smoothly.

Not feeling my best today. Honestly I have been feeling worse and worse since Tuesday. I know in part it is due to having to fill out the papers for divorce and talking to my Ex about the details so we can have everything go smoothly. I know that he partially changed his mind over the summer last year, but by then I was unwilling to go back to him.

I am not sure what the feeling is that I feel when I think of him again when trying to navigate the 80 or so pages I have to fill out, I know the word that triggers the emotion is abandonment. it's one of the possible grounds for divorce. It's not the 'No Fault' option, but it is more accurate than that one. It causes me to ruminate on the questions I never gotten answers for.

Why? When it seemed like we were getting back on track and the dust of the chaos from being homeless was finally settling, why did you leave?

Why was I no longer worth the effort? We had come so far, finally back on our feet. I felt like real progress was being made. What went wrong?

Why wasn't therapy an option? or counseling? Was I such a lost cause that you didn't want to even try?

Was I that much of a burden, that anything was better than living with me?

I keep thinking of why I get triggered by the word Abandonment, but then I remember,

You left without saying much of anything to me. You wanted space, so you moved in with a classmate from college. It hurt a lot, but you promised you would be back, that you would talk things out with me once you had everything figured out.

I was really lonely. work became harder to do I had to pretend to be happy in the school, but I was miserable inside. My brother told me that you would not return, I refused to believe him.

The few times you would message me brought me hope that you would return, but they also made me hurt more. You never came to spend a weekend with me, you were always too busy to do so.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I had to rely on meletonin and Unisom to get sleep at nights. I cried often, ate little and lost a lot of weight. I had bad depressive outbreak, the teddy bear you gave me for valentines a few months after you left was the only thing that kept me going.

Each month became harder to bear, you made no effort to visit me or call me or text me. I remember sending you messages and getting one word responses, I remember begging to be able to spend our anniversary with you.

I admitted to you that I had nightmares of divorce papers coming in the mail because you were being so distant, You told me that would never happen. I remember that day we spent in the mall for our 6 year anniversary being the happiest I had felt in such a long time, even when you paid no attention to me.

I remember the second my heart shattered when I looked over to see which Pokemon you caught, only to also catch the message another woman had sent you confessing their love for you. You were quick to hide it, I pretended not to see it. I wanted to delay the pain for as long as possible. I wanted to be happy.

I remember the argument we had just the day after that, because you finally admitted to wanting a divorce and I felt like such a fool. I was so angry. You promised me that we would figure things out, you promised me that you would come back.

I held on for so long, believing that despite the odds you would have returned to me. You never did, and when she left you, and ripped your heart to shreds, I'll admit I had hoped you would return. You did not. you simply found someone new.

Took three years to accept that you were gone. THREE YEARS. This year marked the 4 year anniversary that you left me, and I still hurt.

The pain is still there. I am the one initiating this divorce, but you were the one who left. I am doing everything in my power to make this painless, but there is still so much pain to deal with.

Anger- I am angry with myself, for believing that you would return. For ignoring all the signs that you were having an affair, for having hope in something that was clearly dying. I am angry that I was trying so hard for you even after you left in denying how much pain I was in to be civil when I had every right to be angry. I am angry that I am the one having to file all these papers and pay for this divorce when you were the one who wanted this in the first place.

I am angry that you want to work things out between us after all this time, if you wanted to do so, you should have done so years ago. not when I wish to move forward with someone else (though I have not told you about me wanting to move on until after you asked but 3 years seem a little late for me.)

Sad- I am sad when you tell me that the grass was not greener on the other side as you had hoped. That you wish we could work things out. It is hard to trust what you tell me anymore though. I love you, but I really cannot risk that kind of heartbreak with you again, I would break. I almost did last time. If my brother was not there I would have self destructed, I might not be alive today if he didn't support me in my darkest days. I am sad that I couldn't be what you needed in your life, so much so that you left me. I am sad that I was such a failure for you. I am sad that I have to do this, but we need to heal, and it is so much harder for me

Harder for me because I still have to talk to you, as a friend and you want to stay friends after the divorce, but I am just so embittered by the ongoing experience that I just can't be that kind companion. Every-time you talk about her to me or enlighten me about the things happening in your life without me, I feel nothing but anger.

And emphasis on ongoing. I may be over you, but I am not Through with you. I still have to file all these papers and pay all these fees because it is cheaper than paying for a lawyer. not like you will move a finger to assist in any way because you still want me on the fence as some sort of backup plan when everything goes to heck with your fiance. I refuse to be that.

If I am not important enough to work things out with, then why this?

If you were on the fence about leaving me, why did you leave? Why did you lie to me ?

Why did you refuse to talk about it , or go to a counselor?

None of that matters. You had plenty of time to tell me why and how, you chose not to and that hurt me a great deal. I don't think getting the answering those answers will help heal me either.

I Just wish I didn't have to do all this paperwork just to get to the next step in getting over you. I really don't need the ongoing struggle to destroy what I am trying to build.

oh to be in love sometimes. I am still adjusting to being in a more stable relationship, but I find I am still working on my personal emotional baggage and being aware of when it is getting in the way of enjoying all the adorable cute moments.

He showers me with compliments and tries to spoil me often. I have a hard time accepting those compliments because I am became more self critical since my husband left. I still enjoy my independence and really hate when people try to pay things for me or get me expensive gifts. However, I am learning to accept the kindness of others and not belittle myself when I get complimented. I am learning not to think of myself as a burden when others want to get me something nice or pay for a meal.

Its difficult, really difficult. I want to be perfect in every way for him, but he insists on me staying true to myself. Its not something I am used to. He only seems to notice all the good in me. Makes me want to do expand on my strengths and work on minimizing my weaknesses.

I don't feel like I deserve someone as nice as him, or as understanding or as sweet. This is one of the largest hurdles I have had to confront since separating from my husband. I know rebuilding my self worth is going to take a while. If I could learn to manage those difficult emotions while building myself back up and building a new connection, I feel like I would have made real progress in my life.

Back from another Hiatus. Trying something new in my life- learning a trade. I am secretly terrified that I will not be able to succeed. No matter how many people are excited for me, I cannot help but feel everything is hopeless in the end.

I know I shouldn't be too harsh on myself, but it is difficult to not see myself as this consistent. Failing to stay in college, and now- taking so long to try again.

It doesn't help that the woman I consider a mother to me seems very unhappy lately that I am dating her son. She doesn't say a single word about it, but it never escapes my notice the glare she gave me when last I visited. I want to confront her about it, but I am unsure how. There is always something that gets in the way, too many listening ears, not enough courage, not knowing the words to use. It causes me to wonder if I'm doing something wrong dating him. I know she has every reason to hate me, it is her son after all, but perhaps I was hoping she would have been less angry given that she liked me well enough before? There is nothing I can do about how she feels, which is a little frustrating. There is no controlling those feelings. I could say the same about how I feel about my current boyfriend, but only time will tell in that area.

I haven't told my boyfriend about it. I have no doubt he has already run a gauntlet with her at length about the whole situation and honestly, we are at this point just dating, there isn't a ring on my finger or anything I feel like I am taking everything too seriously.

Hit another wall it seems.

Just when I thought things in my life were looking up, there comes a cascade of difficult issues and situations that I am forced to deal with at the same time. Medical mysteries, losing a recently earned promotion, a trip that was a disaster from start to finish. 

I am pushing forward as best as I can. I realize things could be much worse, but that knowledge does nothing to ease the pain or feelings of dread. I feel like that would be invalidating my own emotions.

Not everything is in ruin, despite losing my promotion and a hefty salary with no reason given, I do still have a job. I am able to pay some portion of my bills. I was looking forward to getting my own place and not having to share an apartment anymore, I want so desperately to be more financially stable and free from some of the stress I am under now.

It is just too much for me right now. I do have an appointment tonight for all the stuff I have going on right now, I may add one for tomorrow to my therapist, it's been a minute.

often I cannot sleep because my mind refuses to rest. I find everything from wild ideas to past memories that keep my mind spinning on and on until I distract myself with videos on the web or a podcast or just-loud-enough-not-to-annoy-me white noise. 

Yesterday was particularly bad with an awful memory of a cousin I despise. I have no good memory of him but since being demoted that old curse of his has been bouncing around in my head at night time. 

T never liked me (5 yo) or my brother J (4yo) (The only sibling at the time). The first time we met him, he promised to beat us on the first night he babysat us. We were terrified. Each night we had night terrors, we had no idea what we did to earn the ire of someone we had just met. That Thursday, He had my brother and I on our knees, our backs facing him with belt in hand. He never hit us that night, but laughed for a full half hour as he snapped the belt occasionally to keep us frightened. My brother J is now a fearless ***, very little has scared him since that day.

T was always calling us "useless wastes of space that will never amount to anything" in this memory, I had finally had enough because J, started crying and I finally stood up to T and declared that we were not useless. I was beat mercilessly that day, slapped, whipped and yelled at each time I denied his accusation.

it took an hour before I gave up responding to him, but my brother Joel took my bravery to heart and stood up in my place, cautioning him that he would tell our mother about his abuse, but T was not afraid, mother never did anything about our complaints about him. She thought we were exaggerating, as little children do. That it could not have been that bad. She needed a free babysitter anyway and he was all my mother had at the time. She could not afford to leave us home alone and Joel's ADHD meant no one ever wanted to watch us "miserable children"

We were not free of his tyranny until my maternal grandmother moved to the states to help my mother who was about to give birth to my brother G I just turned 6 yo at the time. his reign of terror was over, but we still had our run ins with him when he would visit, though he kept his disdain minimal, we may have hated our grandmother for how strict she was, but in hindsight, she was the only one protecting us when the rest of our family failed to do so. she did not tolerate T's behavior.

I've seen very little of him in recent years, word on the grapevine is that two of his ex's "fell down the stairs" and broke their arms and he has a daughter of his own which has caused him to mellow a little. He lived with my mother for a while when his baby mama kicked him out and he has since gotten back on his feet. I have refused to ask him about the past the few times I have seen him and neither has J.