A place to think... and let go
I have no idea how any of this will help. but as things have recently become a little harder to bear, I feel like crying, but have no space to do so freely at the moment. the best I can do is ramble on about what bothers me, and hope someone understands me.
I hate perfection as much as I hate failure and yet I was both at the same time. I was the favorite of my parents, but never so important that they actually tried. I could remember the days when my father would make me write and rewrite my homework until my handwriting until it was close to perfect... and even then it was not good enough. I remember the constant nights I would cry over my math homework because I was constantly distracted in class and wrote slowly which in turn earned me a few bullies. I hated my bullies and all my homework did was remind me of them so I would rush my homework, only to rewrite it and the pattern continued until I was beaten to submission. I remember complaining to my parents, only to be told I was a coward for not beating my bullies senseless and not having thick enough skin to ignore their jeers.
I have been beaten with bottles and belts, ironing boards and bicycle pumps, spoons and wires for nothing more than looking at a boy with admiration or failing to focus on my work and watched my mother cry long nights after being told she was fat as a reason my father was cheating with the twins across the street. I have watched her cook the last of the rice in the house to feed us and sat there starving until I lied about how full I was. I have stayed up late nights to watch the sunrise hoping that someone would burn the school next door so I would not have to go. I have swallowed my pain and pride as my mother told me she could not afford to switch my school to somewhere more diverse for monetary reasons, despite the fact I was showing severe signs of depression and every teacher, counselor and social worker I met begged her to do so.
I could still remember her gloating to all her friends that I was her only perfect child, I did not have anger issues like my brothers, I was not the one with ADHD, nor was I the one with hearing problems. I was the only one to never get left back, adorned by parents and teachers alike. I was the goody two shoes, the one everyone wanted to compare their child to. I was often told by others that they could not stand how perfect I was, that my smile drove them insane. it hurt they could not see my pain, but then again I worked so hard to hide it. I have never let my mother down, but I was the utmost failure to my father, being told by him many times "you are not my daughter" only for his tune to change the very next time I saw him.
I graduated High school, but had no motivation to go to college that was not fueled by making my father happy, I dropped out. I got married early to get away from my parents, but now my husband is leaving me. the pain and anguish I have held for years with little breakage is pouring out before me like a broken dam and I feel more like a failure than I ever did before. I am so far behind for a 26 year old and I have no Idea where to even start. sometimes I pray God would just end my existence so I would never have to face the failure I have become.
until I find a way to cope, all I can do is pretend I am fine. the forest has already burned to the ground, what else can possibly go wrong?
I am far too kind. I am too paiteint with rude and disrespectful people. I let people walk all over me. and I am tired of it.
The world could always use kinder people. sure you could stand to stick up for yourself more, but you have not quite learned bounderies for yourself. one thing at a time please!
Moving is stressful. looking at all the junk I have accumulated over the course of 6 years is a bit baffling. what do I throw away? what do I keep? will I have enough to move?
what about rent? everything is rising in cost and I may need another Job. what times should I work?
mornings or evenings? maybe I need a third Job? Fast food or gas station? maybe a Walmart?
the stress is eating me alive, and I have been lax on doing anything about it.
Probably because I am afraid of failing and becoming homeless, but I don't make an attempt, how will I succeed?
I am sort of conflicted. for the longest time since you left all I wanted was for you to come back. and I hope to remember to read this to you if you ever do decide to come back.
Because I was being naive and unwise. I thought about all the things I have gone through with you, all our victories and defeats, and all the warning signs I had missed. I am no longer sure I want you in my life and here is why:
You never listened. Never did you consider the words of wisdom I threw at your feet. you regarded my every concern as mere nonsense and did things your way every time. I did not want to obey my every command, I just wanted you to consider my words, actually give them some thought before you ran off and did whatever you wanted. you more readily accepted the advice from other people, they could have said the exact same thing I just told you, and it would be as if your eyes were opened to a new truth. this hurt me greatly, because I felt unloved. no proper marriage I knew of had a husband who could not consider their spouse's words.
You surrounded yourself with the wrong people. we both had issues keeping good friends around, but you have poor judgment in character. you still had great respect for your father and co-worker, though they treated you poorly and constantly told you to cheat on me. you stayed close with F.F. though he was constantly cheating on his wife and you knew it. you let people like this influence you and it changed you ever so slowly.
The countless times you were not faithful to me. It started off small, just a flirt here and a kiss emoji there, but it led to more and more, and it made me feel so ugly and insecure to have to fight for your attention like I myself was nothing to look at. hell at one point your biggest fear was losing some other old friend of yours, only for me to find out later you had an affair with her, was there ever a point where I ever mattered to you.
You stopped spending quality time with me. you would do anything not to really engage with me at any point in time. you were always occupied with work and games and friends and family and while it was not bad at first, it became worse with time. and with the knowledge that my love language is quality time, I now know why this bothered me far more than anything else you did. you not wanting to spend time with me, devastated me. my attention cup was empty and you did everything to not fill it. at that point I felt truly unloved. I could not believe you when you said you loved me, because you were not showing me love the way I wanted it.
You refused to properly defend me to your family. It does not matter if I was wrong. That would be a personal conversation, but you never stood for me in the presence of your mother. it felt like I would have to change to bend to her will. I was treated poorly and you still forced me to deal with them and endure their insults and rudeness.
You refused to change. you had decided you cannot change, despite all the changes you have gone through. and this alone is a nail in the coffin for me. if you cannot change, I cannot take you back. I would rather be lonely than unloved.
Sometimes I wonder what did I do so wrong to lose him. the pain sometimes feels endless, have I unknowingly broken his spirit?
We used to be so happy, so carefree, What happened? How has my husband of 6 years lose interest in me? How badly have I failed him?
Has he ever thought of coming back home? Will he ever consider it?
All the things we have gone through together, did they mean nothing to him? Or perhaps did it make it harder to leave me.
So many things I will never know. so many things he refues to tell me.
It is not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to make him stay. I have asked him, he gave me no answer. I have tried to make amends on perceived wrongdoing, they made no difference. ruminating like this is destroying you.
it makes no sense to me that he would leave without a reason. even more so he wishes to stay friends but not lovers? why?
I do not know if finding out the reason will help any. Moving on seems like my best choice.
I do not wish to move on. I want him back.
Terrible idea. look I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I full heartedly believe in marriages are forever, but if we just take him back at a moments notice just because we are lonely, we will open ourselves up for more hurt. and sure moving on seems scary and you will feel guilty looking around now because you have not started the divorce process.
Alone again? I am a few years from 30? who will want me then? the cats?
someone with their life together. probably someone who wanted to be with you to begin with. travel abroad or something. And seriously you need a kitten or puppy in your life right now, at least they have needs you can easily supply.
I am beautiful, calm like the babbling brook and sweet like honeysuckle nectar. I am graceful and I am kind.
I am strong, I may be bruised, I may suffer at the hands of others but I will never be broken
I am wise. I have learned a great deal from the mistakes of the past and they will help me to make better decisions in the future.
I am victorious through God who is my warrior. I may still be in the midst of battle, but because of God, I have won the war.
ruminating again. constant intrusive thoughts I can't seem to get of.
I desire companionship, on an intimate level, but I feel ashamed for wanting this. something in me still wants to work things out with my current husband, but I cannot force him to come back, and I would be a fool if I did take him back.
I am being unfair to myself, what is wrong with making new friends while things unfold?
Perhaps I have too much baggage to move on.
What if out of jealousy he tries to sabotage any relationships I try to foster?
the list goes on and on and on. meanwhile, I still stand here alone feeling like used and damaged goods not worth the space I take up and the air I breathe. all I want right now is to be loved and appreciated, for someone to care that I exist in this world. And I know I need to love myself and take myself out on dates and go have fun, but how does one let go of all that self hate and move on? why can't I be normal? why can't I be perfect?
Yesterday, on a whim, I accepted a friend's request to go to the gym for a hip hop style zumba class. I felt so uncomfortable and nervous, worried about bringing attention to myself and looking like a fool, but it was not as bad as I first thought. I still felt like crying after the class, but it was more frustration to how fast paced some of the dances are. but as I looked around I found I was not the only one in this sort of predicament. it gave me a little comfort to know I was not the only one struggling, and I felt les like a fool and more normal.
Today, I feel great. free from the loneliness and guilt I had before. I am grateful to my friend who forced me to consider the class. I don't know if I should do it again, but it was nice to do something different.
not really sure what I am feeling today. hope hides somewhere in the forest of emotions, as does many trees of nonchalance. I cannot quite put a finger on it. anticipation perhaps? maybe some level of nervousness? I do not know what plagues me today, and I am bothered that I do not quite know.
Moving is difficult, there are things to get rid of, things to pack, holes to patch and carpet to scrub. It is draining for sure compounded by the fact that I also had to sperate my husbands stuff from mine. everything bringing back blissful memories that make his departure all the more painful. I still love him, and I hate that I still do. I want to be angry at him, to hate hate him enough that I would no longer care that he was gone, but as I wrapped up the wedding photos and the little gifts he gave me over the years, I cry.
moving is finally over. i ended up leaving a few things behind, but not really a bad thing. I still miss my husband, but he is very sure that he wants this divorce. I won't force him to consider my point of view, but I really want to. I am not really used to sleeping alone, I sometimes wonder if this move was just a breath of fresh air to him. If he just could not wait to be rid of me. Talking to him only hurts me more, all I can see is how much happier he says he is without me around. I know there are better things to put my attention to, but sometimes I cannot help it.