A place to think... and let go
I have no idea how any of this will help. but as things have recently become a little harder to bear, I feel like crying, but have no space to do so freely at the moment. the best I can do is ramble on about what bothers me, and hope someone understands me.
I hate perfection as much as I hate failure and yet I was both at the same time. I was the favorite of my parents, but never so important that they actually tried. I could remember the days when my father would make me write and rewrite my homework until my handwriting until it was close to perfect... and even then it was not good enough. I remember the constant nights I would cry over my math homework because I was constantly distracted in class and wrote slowly which in turn earned me a few bullies. I hated my bullies and all my homework did was remind me of them so I would rush my homework, only to rewrite it and the pattern continued until I was beaten to submission. I remember complaining to my parents, only to be told I was a coward for not beating my bullies senseless and not having thick enough skin to ignore their jeers.
I have been beaten with bottles and belts, ironing boards and bicycle pumps, spoons and wires for nothing more than looking at a boy with admiration or failing to focus on my work and watched my mother cry long nights after being told she was fat as a reason my father was cheating with the twins across the street. I have watched her cook the last of the rice in the house to feed us and sat there starving until I lied about how full I was. I have stayed up late nights to watch the sunrise hoping that someone would burn the school next door so I would not have to go. I have swallowed my pain and pride as my mother told me she could not afford to switch my school to somewhere more diverse for monetary reasons, despite the fact I was showing severe signs of depression and every teacher, counselor and social worker I met begged her to do so.
I could still remember her gloating to all her friends that I was her only perfect child, I did not have anger issues like my brothers, I was not the one with ADHD, nor was I the one with hearing problems. I was the only one to never get left back, adorned by parents and teachers alike. I was the goody two shoes, the one everyone wanted to compare their child to. I was often told by others that they could not stand how perfect I was, that my smile drove them insane. it hurt they could not see my pain, but then again I worked so hard to hide it. I have never let my mother down, but I was the utmost failure to my father, being told by him many times "you are not my daughter" only for his tune to change the very next time I saw him.
I graduated High school, but had no motivation to go to college that was not fueled by making my father happy, I dropped out. I got married early to get away from my parents, but now my husband is leaving me. the pain and anguish I have held for years with little breakage is pouring out before me like a broken dam and I feel more like a failure than I ever did before. I am so far behind for a 26 year old and I have no Idea where to even start. sometimes I pray God would just end my existence so I would never have to face the failure I have become.
until I find a way to cope, all I can do is pretend I am fine. the forest has already burned to the ground, what else can possibly go wrong?
Sometimes I ponder my situation and feel rather dismal. 26 dead end job, no degree, a failed marriage, no kids, nothing.
What the heck was I doing for six years? being someone's wife, one who was hardly appreciated and never listened to, forced to repress my own emotions in fear of his own, one who has left without giving me just cause and thinks that we can be friends somehow. what was I all these years? useless and hopeless, with no direction and no resolve. all I wanted was to be wanted, to be cared for, for someone to believe that I mattered.
But no one cares but me. no one worries about how I feel about things but me, and I should never have expected anyone to do so, not like I ever mattered before, why should I matter now? because I say so? They never listened, he never listened. how dare I think that I was ever beautiful and worth someone's love and affection. how dare I believe that things were going to get better, that by now I could have become some happy little house wife in a house by the beach. life has never worked that way for me this way, how dare I believe it was ever going to change. I have watched him move on, I have seen how happy he is now and it makes me angry. how dare he be happy and free with all the pain and suffering he put me through, how is it that he and his mistress can be so carefree while i pine constantly for him in the background. how has he just moved on like I never meant anything to him. I wish I never knew him or any of the happier times we have had, just so I could be free from all the pain this has brought me. now I am just broken goods. my husband no longer cares if I live or die, I want to forget and move on, but the process is slow and painful. I don't want to feel anything anymore. and I want to move on. maybe eventually find love elsewhere, but that won't happen for another six years at least,
everything is so overwhelming... i dont know what to do anymore.
ever tried walking with two sleeping legs? the painful pins and needles that punish you moving, but you know deep inside that if you don't get upand move that it will get worse, so you get up and try to walk on two numb, dead feeling legs. balance is off pain is severe, but you keep moving. soon the pain is not as bad, the pins and needles are more like a annoying buzz and you are able to walk without almost falling over. right now I feel like this, knowing this will get better if I could just start moving, but I don't want to. ignoring the pain will not help either. I made it through easter without crying constantly which was a plus, but I also learned I am not ready to watch korean romantic dramas without lots of tissues... perhaps I should avoid them for a while longer?
Started writing stories again, just looking through my old works was enough to spark a vast field of ideas.
"What if I tried it this way?" or "I think I could have written this better." and before long I had spent the whole of sunday just writing away getting lost in my thoughts. i realized how much i missed soing such a simple little thing, it was strange to me.
Hubby messeged me Saturday. I was somehow hoping it was to check up on me since we have not spoken for nearly 2 weeks now, but it was about money as usual, the closing costs for the electric bill were quite higher than either of us had anticipated. I gave hints of annoyance at his attempt to use me as his personal bank, but it saddned me more that this was all he was willing to talk about anymore. He does not ever think of me or how I even feel, but he was the one who suggested we stay friends after the divorce, was that too a lie.
I should not dwell on it, there are better things to do than this. better things to worry about like birthday plans. and finding movie tickets.
I feel a little bit different after my birthday passed last weekend. Not wiser or stronger, just ... different. A small shift in worldview maybe? just a tad more mature I think. I am sort of scared of the change, it was not at all subtle, it came like thunder and shook the foundations of my thinking. I find myself wanting things I normally do not care for. for once in my life I am considering keeping my hair short instead of trying to grow it longer, I want to dye it copper instead of it's more natural dark brown. I want to experiment with different writing genres and not just fantasy. I find I am being more definitive in the types of clothing I want to wear, going for more floral patterns and big bows.
The biggest scare to me, is that I want to be alone again. I always dreaded living by myself, so many dark lonely nights to fear, so many bad things that could happen, my anxiety would not allow it. but these days as the thought comes to me, I kinda wish for it. I miss the peace and quiet that comes with being alone. I have started challenging my negative thoughts more often and with a bit more passion. I am learning to recognize when I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
I have taken time to consider the things I want and the things I need to do to get them. I am still making decisions on what I want to do with my life from now on, but I am starting to have a faint Idea of what I want that to look like. I have spent most of my life trying to please others, making sure that they were happy above all else, I lost track of what made me uniquely me. I gave up everything I ever wanted to be when I got married. I never regretted that decision, I still don't. however, I feel like now is a better time than any to make some forward movement.
I do still love and pine for my estranged husband. sometimes I can't help but feel like he will come back to me at any moment he chooses. I have decided to keep the door open for communication if he wants it, but I am well aware that if he does come back, it will be to a far different person than I am now, hopefully not one who is too bitter to forgive, hopefully one who will know what course of action to take. I do not know if he will change for the better, or if we will be compatible at whatever time he comes back, IF he even decides to. maybe the new me will have that figured out by then, maybe she would have found someone far better (Still greatly doubt it.)
I have started writing again. Something about pain and hurt always bring me to pen and paper, or Microsoft word. Last time I was this eager, I wrote a whole 3 books worth of novels. This time I have started anew with something that hit much closer to home, and I think I can make something out of it. I also wrote letters to my husband. more like a time capsule thing where I won't send them to him until 5 years from now or when he gets remarried and stuff. It has been a great way to get things off my chest and vent without fear of backlash. a safer way to communicate and ensure I will be heard before conclusions are jumped to. I don't know if I will ever let him read them to be honest. something the new me will also figure out.
I finally got another job, one that pays better and has benefits, a full time job. Quite the shift from the part time job I loved doing for 6 years now, but I need to move on if I am to support myself and whatnot. I was so terrified that I had botched the whole interview and came across as uneducated and desperate, but they gave me an offer the same day. I was floored. My friend tell me I lack self esteem which hurts my confidence, but I have been that way since I was young, I have no idea how to fix that. She thinks I will be just fine, and once I find myself and figure out my worth I will go places, maybe even get a promotion in a year's time. And those words of hers has me all fired up and scared at the same time. What if I fail? What if I do everything right and I am looked over anyway? I try not to think on those things.
My anniversary passed recently. I was, for some reason, expecting my husband to call me and wish me well despite things as they were. I still have a hard time accepting that he has moved on and could almost care less about me... almost, because he did message me, just not about our anniversary. He wanted to talk about pokemon and congratulate me on the new job. He treated me like friend, like we were nothing more than that. I know he does this out of pity for me, that he worries that I will slip back into some terrible depression and finally...
But I am stronger than that I think. I have no one else to live for but myself, I want to be worth the trouble.
This week has been a battle. I took time to properly look back at my life and consider things. And everything I decided to let go, was met with with a waterfall of tears and earthquake like headaches. There was so much I realized I held in, or held grudges against, so much pain to unpack and throw away. It hurt so much but I had to let go. And with every victory came a defeat. Some days it's easy other days it's impossible all I can do is keep trying and trying and trying. I would love for this pain to end to just move on like nothing ever happened. But that's just wishful thinking and I know better.
Looked at myself in the mirror, saw a stronger more beautiful woman than the one six months prior. Better job, new apartment, a little less overwhelmed, a little less stressed. Kind of like night and day to me. I did not recognize myself for a moment. But I was there, and I was happy. Took a picture to remember it by. Realized I had not taken a selfie in quite some time. Perhaps because I felt ashamed of myself?
The last three weeks have been interesting to me to say the least. I treated myself in a more grand fashion than I have had been able to in years, buying that expensive dress I had seen in the mall come and go every other season. I did my hair, bought a pair of shoes for the first time in an eternity, and I felt great about myself everything was so freeing.
I still notice when people look at me and laugh at my awkwardness, but it did not bother me much that day. I spoke to some new friends and they were heavily bashing on my soon to be ex husband in ways that made me uncomfortable. As angry as he made me at times, I have never considered him selfish or a deadbeat of any kind and perhaps that is me being naive. I get that told to me a lot these days. Like there is something wrong with being optimistic. But their words put in me a rather odd notion, to go speak with him, after all we had not seen each other in months. But that idea was shut down by most of the sisterhood. They thought I was not ready to face the truth of my situation.
But as the God of the universe would have it, he made that man sense my desire, and Michael sent me a message stating he wanted to meet up and talk. I was eager to hear him out and tried my best to show off, but the anxiety hit me before my confidence did and I ended up fainting, falling down a few steps and fainting again, all in front of him.
But speaking with him, opened my eyes to his truth and gave me reason to accept our separation.
I am feeling homesick.
I went on a campout with my mother and some old friends all of whom live in new york still since I moved. It was so refreshing to see them again and talk to them. I was so much fun to see how they have changed or what little things stayed the same. and when it came time to leave, and they begged me to stay, I broke inside. I wanted to stay with them.
I do not know what I really want anymore.
The last couple of weeks were tough ones. I felt like all the progress I made was reduced to mere suggestions of change rather than large leaps in wisdom and experiance. My inner peace was gone, I was moody and unable to focus on the things that mattered. I was caught up in day dreams both pleasent and painful and I refused to sleep at a proper time. I was so very nervous because the days were ticking down to the day we had set to sign the paperwork for filing our divorce, and I thought I would have been able to hold myself up better by now.
I kinda feel silly now, making such a fuss over signing a few papers, and I am worried that when it comes time to go to court, I will be far worse than this.
