A place to think... and let go

@Psyphire

Hi. I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I think your feelings are really understandable. It sounds like you have been through a lot and are going through a lot right now. I think it's great that you're here reaching out.

@SentientiaPoecile thank you

fighting a cold has left me tired more so than usual, compuding the tiredness and emptiness I already feel. seriously considering professional help, but I hate to think I am so mentally ill that I need to see someone, even worse is the thought that I might need medicine to break the cycle for long enough to begin healing. I hate to think I am so broken that I will need help to be fixed. it is just my pride I guess, but I am reluctant to let it go. all my dignity gone, self love and respect has pretty much left the building. my pride is all I have left, not that it helps any.

what if I cannot be fixed? what if my life is doomed to be this miserable forever?

Am I even worth the hassle? the time? the energy even?

@Psyphire

Hey there. You know, I never asked you before if it was alright with you that I respond in your diary. If you'd rather it be a thread for just your thoughts, I promise I won't be offended. :)

I can relate a lot to these feelings. I think it's hard to even think about getting help or going on medicine when part of your trauma was being expected to be perfect. And of course there's still the societal stigmas. Does it help at all when you think of it as a temporary boost to help you get started in the healing process, like you mentioned? I've heard people say also that society should view mental health help and medicines just like any other "more acceptable" condition, like diabetes or breaking a leg. People are encouraged to seek help for other kinds of problems. I think they forget that the brain is an organ too. Just because thoughts and feelings cannot be seen, people have trouble believing (or they just go with whatever's most convenient). I don't see how people can believe that poor treatment over a long period of time would have no effect on a person. Nowadays with brain scan technology, I'm hoping people will recognize that this stuff is real and not persecute others for being brave enough to seek help for themselves, when no one else was an advocate for them.

Hope I didn't go on too long of a tirade there. I support you if you think you'd like to try getting help to kickstart your healing. I'm in a similar boat where I'm not in therapy currently, but I'm hoping circumstances will change soon where I can start going again.

I think we all can get to a point of living a better life. I think there's a difficult point of acceptance that it may take some time and a lot of energy, and that we may always have reminders of our hurts. It isn't fair, but perhaps we can find some higher meaning in it. I'm someone who felt hopeless for over 30 years, but now I am seeing changes and feel like I'm finally making a life. Hope is always there, even when we don't feel it. You do have worth. Every single person does. You have something to offer the world that no one else out there does.

This will pass. You deserve to show yourself compassion today. Especially fighting a cold, your systems are going to be more depleted than usual, physically and mentally. See what small things you can do to take care of yourself today.

@SentientiaPoecile it's ok if you comment on my thoughts. I find it hard sometimes to see the good in things, even in treatment. But maybe seeing it as just temporary kinda helps the thought a little. Still nervous about trying, not really sure why just worried about things.

@Psyphire

That's alright! You have a lot on your plate, and it takes time to process these emotions. You're doing great writing about it. :)

@SentientiaPoecile thanks

Yes, you are worth time to heal!

sometimes realizing you need help is how healing starts. Take the steps to learn to care for yourself. Learn tools for coping with bad feelings. Learn to ocupy your mind, & hands with good tasks. You have worth

@Psyphire

@yesiamHuman4855 thanks for the advice. I tried combating my negative thoughts, it was an interesting experience.

I

@yesiamHuman4855 thank you for your kind words.

Don't have the money yet to begin therapy, let alone take care of my wisdom teeth that needed to go the second they erupted. considering nighttime employment of some kind, probably part time considering the sleeping issues I already have. Today is the 10 th of December, not very special on its own, but my husband and I always held the 10 th of any month as a mini anniversary since a lot of things concerning us happened on the 10 th of some month. September 10 th (Started dating), June 10 th (got engaged and year after married on same date) the list goes on. I was even born on the 10 th of a month so I am trying not to see it tainted by my current predicament. but then this morning I turned to find an old locket of mine with my wedding band still inside it and I broke down crying. my brother has come to the conclusion that I need to care for the house more and has started bribing me with food and rides to work in return for keeping the place clean and my hair tidy, (I forgot how much I hated disentangling my hair.) the cold has upgraded itself from mildly annoying coughs to low grade fever and strep throat that replaced my voice box for that of a field mouse. still going to make my way to work, somehow it just does not feel right taking a break for a cold this minor. I want to prove something to myself by struggling through this and making it through alive, regardless of the gloves and masks I will have to wear and the many cans of Lysol I will go through to keep others healthy.

But perhaps this strain is why my body suffers in the first place. perhaps I need a day off (despite have the entire weekend to relax.)

I hate myself, I just do. I feel like I get nothing right and do everything poorly. Why do I even exist when I am a bother to everyone?

I loved myself enough to clean the house and tend my hair. I have done something right to keep a job for six years. No one has told me that I am a bother, that is all in my head.

i am pathetic for crying so much. It ruins my sleep and gives me migraines. Michael had been gone 10 months and I have not yet gotten over him.

when Michael left he promised me he would return. He never said anything otherwise for 6 months. It is ok to cry still. This is just one of those things that will take longer than a year to heal. Just because some people move on in a year's time does not mean I will. The tears will end someday, and the migraines will subside some.

How could I have been so blind?

love is blind

i am broken now

bruised not broken

hopeless

hopeful

i don't deserve anything I have.

deserve has nothing to do with it.

i should die with the night

but should I see the sun rise I will live another day

I hate myself.

I love myself, a little

@Psyphire

I can really see how you challenged your own thoughts here and tried to replace negative ones with positive ones. That's really awesome. How did you feel after doing that?

@Psyphire

Sorry for multiple posts. I also meant to say that it's good you recognized that healing times are different for everyone. It's hard to compare how much time is reasonable for one person vs another to get over a breakup. It must depend on so many factors, including the nature of the relationship, the person's background, and other stressors in their life during that time. I don't think length of time correlates to the person's abilities or worth. Please be gentle with yourself and take whatever time you need. We hear your pain.

@SentientiaPoecile I felt odd challenging my thoughts, I do it all the time, but usually in the opposite direction. I felt kind of silly afterwards, all my ruminations seemed exaggerations of what I really felt. Probably something I will do again when I am feeling particularly sad about something.

@Psyphire

I definitely relate to that. I often feel silly after challenging the thoughts too. I think it does get easier over time.

Yesterday was pretty stressful. a parent has told me her child is being bullied and I never did anything when I was told. I felt terrible, I know I have been struggling with the class lately, but I was sure I would have noticed students being poorly treated by others, I have had to intervene in three fights just last week. that parent reported us to the school and school board claiming I have it out for her kid. I was torn up about it, until this morning they reviewed the cameras and they revealed the exact opposite. they were the bully, and I had punished him for his behavior several times in the past because of it.

I am still fuming over it. I am angrier for doubting myself and beating myself up for half the day thinking I had failed to listen to my students. although I also find it hard to blame a parent who has had her child come home night after night complaing of the same thing and seeing nothing being done while her child has also come home with referrals for bad behavoir.

still again it plagues me, that I may have missed something. that perhaps he is having some trouble with others and has taken to hitting them instead. they have cleared my name, but I still feel terrible, then angry, then sad, then doubtful. it is spinning my head in circles. cried over it some time, and my friend tells me to just keep a close eye on him and see if anything stands out. but I think I should just talk to him, maybe i did miss something?

@Psyphire

I can understand the various emotions you're feeling over this. Your feelings are valid. I hope in a way you can be proud of yourself that it looks like your intuition was spot-on after all, and you had taken action to help all students involved. It's possible that when one of those notices was sent home and the parent spoke with their child, the student made an excuse to not get in trouble, which started that snowball effect. But no matter what, I think it's great that you're able to have empathy for that parent and student, and that you're staying on the lookout for signs. You sound like a great teacher. ❤

@SentientiaPoecile awww thanks i don't often feel that way about myself but it is nice to hear every so often.

didn't write anything yesterday. the paperwork was over my head with parent complaints back and forth between two children who had a disagreement over stolen skittles.

How as a parent your first instint when someone tells you that your child and his best friend stole something is to immediantely blame the other child? Both children are wrong, instead I get letters that say,

"My child has gotten in so much trouble hanging around that other one. keep them away"

"why is my child hanging out with the troublemaker of the classroom"

"That one bullied my son into stealing the candy"

"That other one is sneaky why dont you keep a better eye on him"

Mind you this is the first time either one has ever done something like this. they even admitted to their parents they chose to do it becasue they wanted to get it before everyone else.

Responding to these without mentioning the opposite party is easy, except parents don't like to hear 'focus on your own kid, they also chose to steal candy, whatever the reason'

feeling sort of drained. the parents are worse than their kids sometimes! and having this cold take my voice is not helping me at all with this.

I had a conversation with my husband... more like an argument. We had run into each other at the place we pay our loans and he wanted to treat me to lunch. I obliged, but I knew all he wanted was to talk and hang out like old pals. (He does not believe our relationship can be saved.)

I was quite tired of this as it always seemed to me like he truly wanted to work things out, but alas nothing ever came of it and he would behave like he never left me in the first place. So when it came time to place our orders, I made mine to go, and this confused him. I refused to talk about indoors as I needed a more private place to vent my mounting emotions and once we reached the work truck i exploded. Squeaky voice and all i screamed about how much his leaving broke me that for almost a year now, I have been unable to move on (he was surprised it had been so long already a thought which angered me) I vented about the isolation, my guilt and constant self bashing. I complained about the jealousy I felt for the woman he cheated on me with. How I tried on makeup for the first time after he left, were skinnier outfits, lost weight in every conceivable way, all in my vain attempt in getting him back. How ugly I felt, when even after acknowledging my beauty, it was not enough to regain his approval. And i was tired of being used and set aside like a plaything.

I was so done with it all and it felt so good to get everything off my chest. So good to finally be understood and then he responded.

He apologized. And he made it clear that it was not my fault he left. He promised that after I move to a smaller apartment we don't share and taxes taken care of, he will endeavor to give me proper space to heal.

But he was suffering. He had broken his car not even a year after purchase and it ended up being towed. He is in debt almost triple where we were when we were still together and moved from our spacious 3 bedroom, to live with a college friend in a two bedroom to living alone in a studio apartment the other side of town.

All the friends he used to hang out with and spend nights over with to avoid me, had all moved on with their lives and moved elsewhere. And with no car to reach them, he felt alone.

Without his car, he has been unable to go to night classes, he has taken a semester off to get his priorities in order and he misses the friends he had in class.

The woman he left me for is married, has a child and is in the navy. She cannot leave her husband for mine for fear of discharge (honorable or otherwise) and her bum knee is forcing her back into training for a less strenuous position. Due to this she is also leaving soon. And my husband is feeling doomed for lack of better word.

I feel a little sorry for him. And I would hate to wish any of my recent depression on him, but I kinda do at the same time and it makes me feel guilty that I would want him to hurt at all. And I want to be there for him, and told him to reach out if it all gets too much. But how can I help him?

It's a terrible thing to feel unwanted.

Mother once told me, during one of those arguments we had when I was a teen, that my father was disappointed that I was born female. He wanted a child who would perfectly pass on his superior genes... and last name. He never confirmed this, but sometimes he would say things that just sang my mother's words back to me.

"You are not my daughter. No child of mine would behave the way you do. You are a terrible example to your brother's. It is your fault they did not finish high school." He was right.

but this was after I graduated from high school. If they followed my example, they too would have.

I only graduated with one honor. For the medical field I was studying.

remember the speech at the honor ceremony? 600 seniors, 400 graduates, only 36 with honors. I will take that one honor with pride. I was so proud of it until father spoke. I made it 4 hellish years of high school, depression, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, crippling loneliness, no drugs, no alcohol, no gang activities, no prego, struggling to pass that one math class for 3 years and completing a 20 page handwritten essay to pass history. Father was not at my side when I needed him most so his opinion of my "little" achievement can be taken with a mountain of salt. An honor is an honor. And getting through senior year with double classes and every other week in a hospital bosses around... I deserved my honor.

I kinda went off on a tangent last night. I was really feeling unwanted because I was ruminating about my husband still wanting to leave me. despite this notion, if we meet, he will want to hold hands and hug and walk. he would call me by my nicknames as always, and yet as the day ends he would go to his new apartment and no discussion of coming back made. I have questioned him on this behavior, all I get is a "Old habits die hard" response. yet me turning down his offer surprises him, its like a lady can't move on.

I do realize his own loneliness is playing a part in this, but I want to hope for more.

Just Saturday, he took me to go get groceries, {as I have no car to get around and he borrowed his boss' own} and he wanted to hold hands and hug my hip. but after the shopping trip he talks about writing out some agreement we made when he decided to admit he wanted a divorce, so I could not go after him for money (I had told him I wanted nothing from him after we split.) it infuriated me, him being so sweet. This would be so much easier if I could just find it in myself to hate him for everything and move on, but I have been unable to do such a thing. something has got to be wrong with me...

@Psyphire

Nothing's wrong with you, hun. I think everything you're feeling is valid and even to be expected under the circumstances. It sounds like maybe your husband looks to you for the same comfort he always got from you, but while retaining his desire to have no obligations tying him down from doing what he wants when he wants. I can imagine that would come with so many conflicting emotions for you. I can understand why you would still want his affections in some ways too. I'm glad that you've recognized the need for some boundaries to protect yourself from being used. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I think you're handling it as well as can be expected.

@SentientiaPoecile

Sometimes I wonder if it is the best I could do.

@Psyphire

I hear what you're saying. I think it's always a good thing if we can identify areas we want to work on. I guess as long as we also recognize that we're dealing with really difficult stuff, that our experiences and feelings are real, to give some compassion to ourselves. I think sometimes we judge ourselves more harshly than we would others in our situation. So then we feel more pressured, anxious, sad, stuck and the feelings are more intense. Change is harder to make under those circumstances. It seems counterintuitive, but i think change happens more when we stop pushing ourselves as hard and saying negative things about ourselves (though believe me i know that's all much harder in the moment sometimes).

What little things are you doing for yourself right now? Have you been able to do small things for yourself for basic self care or fun? I hope you can do something nice for yourself today.

@SentientiaPoecile

To be honest, I have not done taken care of myself as best I could. some days I am all hands on deck and others... in a barrel and ready to be thrown over board. Thanks for the reminder. I probably have knots in my hair by now that need detangling.

@Psyphire

Same here. Some days i feel like it was a huge accomplishment just to shower.

I am far too kind. I am too paiteint with rude and disrespectful people. I let people walk all over me. and I am tired of it.

The world could always use kinder people. sure you could stand to stick up for yourself more, but you have not quite learned bounderies for yourself. one thing at a time please!

Moving is stressful. looking at all the junk I have accumulated over the course of 6 years is a bit baffling. what do I throw away? what do I keep? will I have enough to move?

what about rent? everything is rising in cost and I may need another Job. what times should I work?

mornings or evenings? maybe I need a third Job? Fast food or gas station? maybe a Walmart?

the stress is eating me alive, and I have been lax on doing anything about it.

Probably because I am afraid of failing and becoming homeless, but I don't make an attempt, how will I succeed?

I am sort of conflicted. for the longest time since you left all I wanted was for you to come back. and I hope to remember to read this to you if you ever do decide to come back.

Because I was being naive and unwise. I thought about all the things I have gone through with you, all our victories and defeats, and all the warning signs I had missed. I am no longer sure I want you in my life and here is why:

You never listened. Never did you consider the words of wisdom I threw at your feet. you regarded my every concern as mere nonsense and did things your way every time. I did not want to obey my every command, I just wanted you to consider my words, actually give them some thought before you ran off and did whatever you wanted. you more readily accepted the advice from other people, they could have said the exact same thing I just told you, and it would be as if your eyes were opened to a new truth. this hurt me greatly, because I felt unloved. no proper marriage I knew of had a husband who could not consider their spouse's words.

You surrounded yourself with the wrong people. we both had issues keeping good friends around, but you have poor judgment in character. you still had great respect for your father and co-worker, though they treated you poorly and constantly told you to cheat on me. you stayed close with F.F. though he was constantly cheating on his wife and you knew it. you let people like this influence you and it changed you ever so slowly.

The countless times you were not faithful to me. It started off small, just a flirt here and a kiss emoji there, but it led to more and more, and it made me feel so ugly and insecure to have to fight for your attention like I myself was nothing to look at. hell at one point your biggest fear was losing some other old friend of yours, only for me to find out later you had an affair with her, was there ever a point where I ever mattered to you.

You stopped spending quality time with me. you would do anything not to really engage with me at any point in time. you were always occupied with work and games and friends and family and while it was not bad at first, it became worse with time. and with the knowledge that my love language is quality time, I now know why this bothered me far more than anything else you did. you not wanting to spend time with me, devastated me. my attention cup was empty and you did everything to not fill it. at that point I felt truly unloved. I could not believe you when you said you loved me, because you were not showing me love the way I wanted it.

You refused to properly defend me to your family. It does not matter if I was wrong. That would be a personal conversation, but you never stood for me in the presence of your mother. it felt like I would have to change to bend to her will. I was treated poorly and you still forced me to deal with them and endure their insults and rudeness.

You refused to change. you had decided you cannot change, despite all the changes you have gone through. and this alone is a nail in the coffin for me. if you cannot change, I cannot take you back. I would rather be lonely than unloved.

Sometimes I wonder what did I do so wrong to lose him. the pain sometimes feels endless, have I unknowingly broken his spirit?

We used to be so happy, so carefree, What happened? How has my husband of 6 years lose interest in me? How badly have I failed him?

Has he ever thought of coming back home? Will he ever consider it?

All the things we have gone through together, did they mean nothing to him? Or perhaps did it make it harder to leave me.

So many things I will never know. so many things he refues to tell me.

It is not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to make him stay. I have asked him, he gave me no answer. I have tried to make amends on perceived wrongdoing, they made no difference. ruminating like this is destroying you.

it makes no sense to me that he would leave without a reason. even more so he wishes to stay friends but not lovers? why?

I do not know if finding out the reason will help any. Moving on seems like my best choice.

I do not wish to move on. I want him back.

Terrible idea. look I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I full heartedly believe in marriages are forever, but if we just take him back at a moments notice just because we are lonely, we will open ourselves up for more hurt. and sure moving on seems scary and you will feel guilty looking around now because you have not started the divorce process.

Alone again? I am a few years from 30? who will want me then? the cats?

someone with their life together. probably someone who wanted to be with you to begin with. travel abroad or something. And seriously you need a kitten or puppy in your life right now, at least they have needs you can easily supply.

I am beautiful, calm like the babbling brook and sweet like honeysuckle nectar. I am graceful and I am kind.

I am strong, I may be bruised, I may suffer at the hands of others but I will never be broken

I am wise. I have learned a great deal from the mistakes of the past and they will help me to make better decisions in the future.

I am victorious through God who is my warrior. I may still be in the midst of battle, but because of God, I have won the war.

ruminating again. constant intrusive thoughts I can't seem to get of.

I desire companionship, on an intimate level, but I feel ashamed for wanting this. something in me still wants to work things out with my current husband, but I cannot force him to come back, and I would be a fool if I did take him back.

I am being unfair to myself, what is wrong with making new friends while things unfold?

Perhaps I have too much baggage to move on.

What if out of jealousy he tries to sabotage any relationships I try to foster?

the list goes on and on and on. meanwhile, I still stand here alone feeling like used and damaged goods not worth the space I take up and the air I breathe. all I want right now is to be loved and appreciated, for someone to care that I exist in this world. And I know I need to love myself and take myself out on dates and go have fun, but how does one let go of all that self hate and move on? why can't I be normal? why can't I be perfect?

Yesterday, on a whim, I accepted a friend's request to go to the gym for a hip hop style zumba class. I felt so uncomfortable and nervous, worried about bringing attention to myself and looking like a fool, but it was not as bad as I first thought. I still felt like crying after the class, but it was more frustration to how fast paced some of the dances are. but as I looked around I found I was not the only one in this sort of predicament. it gave me a little comfort to know I was not the only one struggling, and I felt les like a fool and more normal.

Today, I feel great. free from the loneliness and guilt I had before. I am grateful to my friend who forced me to consider the class. I don't know if I should do it again, but it was nice to do something different.

not really sure what I am feeling today. hope hides somewhere in the forest of emotions, as does many trees of nonchalance. I cannot quite put a finger on it. anticipation perhaps? maybe some level of nervousness? I do not know what plagues me today, and I am bothered that I do not quite know.

Moving is difficult, there are things to get rid of, things to pack, holes to patch and carpet to scrub. It is draining for sure compounded by the fact that I also had to sperate my husbands stuff from mine. everything bringing back blissful memories that make his departure all the more painful. I still love him, and I hate that I still do. I want to be angry at him, to hate hate him enough that I would no longer care that he was gone, but as I wrapped up the wedding photos and the little gifts he gave me over the years, I cry.

moving is finally over. i ended up leaving a few things behind, but not really a bad thing. I still miss my husband, but he is very sure that he wants this divorce. I won't force him to consider my point of view, but I really want to. I am not really used to sleeping alone, I sometimes wonder if this move was just a breath of fresh air to him. If he just could not wait to be rid of me. Talking to him only hurts me more, all I can see is how much happier he says he is without me around. I know there are better things to put my attention to, but sometimes I cannot help it.