A place to think... and let go
I have no idea how any of this will help. but as things have recently become a little harder to bear, I feel like crying, but have no space to do so freely at the moment. the best I can do is ramble on about what bothers me, and hope someone understands me.
I hate perfection as much as I hate failure and yet I was both at the same time. I was the favorite of my parents, but never so important that they actually tried. I could remember the days when my father would make me write and rewrite my homework until my handwriting until it was close to perfect... and even then it was not good enough. I remember the constant nights I would cry over my math homework because I was constantly distracted in class and wrote slowly which in turn earned me a few bullies. I hated my bullies and all my homework did was remind me of them so I would rush my homework, only to rewrite it and the pattern continued until I was beaten to submission. I remember complaining to my parents, only to be told I was a coward for not beating my bullies senseless and not having thick enough skin to ignore their jeers.
I have been beaten with bottles and belts, ironing boards and bicycle pumps, spoons and wires for nothing more than looking at a boy with admiration or failing to focus on my work and watched my mother cry long nights after being told she was fat as a reason my father was cheating with the twins across the street. I have watched her cook the last of the rice in the house to feed us and sat there starving until I lied about how full I was. I have stayed up late nights to watch the sunrise hoping that someone would burn the school next door so I would not have to go. I have swallowed my pain and pride as my mother told me she could not afford to switch my school to somewhere more diverse for monetary reasons, despite the fact I was showing severe signs of depression and every teacher, counselor and social worker I met begged her to do so.
I could still remember her gloating to all her friends that I was her only perfect child, I did not have anger issues like my brothers, I was not the one with ADHD, nor was I the one with hearing problems. I was the only one to never get left back, adorned by parents and teachers alike. I was the goody two shoes, the one everyone wanted to compare their child to. I was often told by others that they could not stand how perfect I was, that my smile drove them insane. it hurt they could not see my pain, but then again I worked so hard to hide it. I have never let my mother down, but I was the utmost failure to my father, being told by him many times "you are not my daughter" only for his tune to change the very next time I saw him.
I graduated High school, but had no motivation to go to college that was not fueled by making my father happy, I dropped out. I got married early to get away from my parents, but now my husband is leaving me. the pain and anguish I have held for years with little breakage is pouring out before me like a broken dam and I feel more like a failure than I ever did before. I am so far behind for a 26 year old and I have no Idea where to even start. sometimes I pray God would just end my existence so I would never have to face the failure I have become.
until I find a way to cope, all I can do is pretend I am fine. the forest has already burned to the ground, what else can possibly go wrong?
fighting a cold has left me tired more so than usual, compuding the tiredness and emptiness I already feel. seriously considering professional help, but I hate to think I am so mentally ill that I need to see someone, even worse is the thought that I might need medicine to break the cycle for long enough to begin healing. I hate to think I am so broken that I will need help to be fixed. it is just my pride I guess, but I am reluctant to let it go. all my dignity gone, self love and respect has pretty much left the building. my pride is all I have left, not that it helps any.
what if I cannot be fixed? what if my life is doomed to be this miserable forever?
Am I even worth the hassle? the time? the energy even?
@Psyphire
Hey there. You know, I never asked you before if it was alright with you that I respond in your diary. If you'd rather it be a thread for just your thoughts, I promise I won't be offended. :)
I can relate a lot to these feelings. I think it's hard to even think about getting help or going on medicine when part of your trauma was being expected to be perfect. And of course there's still the societal stigmas. Does it help at all when you think of it as a temporary boost to help you get started in the healing process, like you mentioned? I've heard people say also that society should view mental health help and medicines just like any other "more acceptable" condition, like diabetes or breaking a leg. People are encouraged to seek help for other kinds of problems. I think they forget that the brain is an organ too. Just because thoughts and feelings cannot be seen, people have trouble believing (or they just go with whatever's most convenient). I don't see how people can believe that poor treatment over a long period of time would have no effect on a person. Nowadays with brain scan technology, I'm hoping people will recognize that this stuff is real and not persecute others for being brave enough to seek help for themselves, when no one else was an advocate for them.
Hope I didn't go on too long of a tirade there. I support you if you think you'd like to try getting help to kickstart your healing. I'm in a similar boat where I'm not in therapy currently, but I'm hoping circumstances will change soon where I can start going again.
I think we all can get to a point of living a better life. I think there's a difficult point of acceptance that it may take some time and a lot of energy, and that we may always have reminders of our hurts. It isn't fair, but perhaps we can find some higher meaning in it. I'm someone who felt hopeless for over 30 years, but now I am seeing changes and feel like I'm finally making a life. Hope is always there, even when we don't feel it. You do have worth. Every single person does. You have something to offer the world that no one else out there does.
This will pass. You deserve to show yourself compassion today. Especially fighting a cold, your systems are going to be more depleted than usual, physically and mentally. See what small things you can do to take care of yourself today.
@SentientiaPoecile it's ok if you comment on my thoughts. I find it hard sometimes to see the good in things, even in treatment. But maybe seeing it as just temporary kinda helps the thought a little. Still nervous about trying, not really sure why just worried about things.
Yes, you are worth time to heal!
sometimes realizing you need help is how healing starts. Take the steps to learn to care for yourself. Learn tools for coping with bad feelings. Learn to ocupy your mind, & hands with good tasks. You have worth
@Psyphire
Don't have the money yet to begin therapy, let alone take care of my wisdom teeth that needed to go the second they erupted. considering nighttime employment of some kind, probably part time considering the sleeping issues I already have. Today is the 10 th of December, not very special on its own, but my husband and I always held the 10 th of any month as a mini anniversary since a lot of things concerning us happened on the 10 th of some month. September 10 th (Started dating), June 10 th (got engaged and year after married on same date) the list goes on. I was even born on the 10 th of a month so I am trying not to see it tainted by my current predicament. but then this morning I turned to find an old locket of mine with my wedding band still inside it and I broke down crying. my brother has come to the conclusion that I need to care for the house more and has started bribing me with food and rides to work in return for keeping the place clean and my hair tidy, (I forgot how much I hated disentangling my hair.) the cold has upgraded itself from mildly annoying coughs to low grade fever and strep throat that replaced my voice box for that of a field mouse. still going to make my way to work, somehow it just does not feel right taking a break for a cold this minor. I want to prove something to myself by struggling through this and making it through alive, regardless of the gloves and masks I will have to wear and the many cans of Lysol I will go through to keep others healthy.
But perhaps this strain is why my body suffers in the first place. perhaps I need a day off (despite have the entire weekend to relax.)
I hate myself, I just do. I feel like I get nothing right and do everything poorly. Why do I even exist when I am a bother to everyone?
I loved myself enough to clean the house and tend my hair. I have done something right to keep a job for six years. No one has told me that I am a bother, that is all in my head.
i am pathetic for crying so much. It ruins my sleep and gives me migraines. Michael had been gone 10 months and I have not yet gotten over him.
when Michael left he promised me he would return. He never said anything otherwise for 6 months. It is ok to cry still. This is just one of those things that will take longer than a year to heal. Just because some people move on in a year's time does not mean I will. The tears will end someday, and the migraines will subside some.
How could I have been so blind?
love is blind
i am broken now
bruised not broken
hopeless
hopeful
i don't deserve anything I have.
deserve has nothing to do with it.
i should die with the night
but should I see the sun rise I will live another day
I hate myself.
I love myself, a little
@Psyphire
I can really see how you challenged your own thoughts here and tried to replace negative ones with positive ones. That's really awesome. How did you feel after doing that?
@Psyphire
Sorry for multiple posts. I also meant to say that it's good you recognized that healing times are different for everyone. It's hard to compare how much time is reasonable for one person vs another to get over a breakup. It must depend on so many factors, including the nature of the relationship, the person's background, and other stressors in their life during that time. I don't think length of time correlates to the person's abilities or worth. Please be gentle with yourself and take whatever time you need. We hear your pain.
@SentientiaPoecile I felt odd challenging my thoughts, I do it all the time, but usually in the opposite direction. I felt kind of silly afterwards, all my ruminations seemed exaggerations of what I really felt. Probably something I will do again when I am feeling particularly sad about something.
@Psyphire
I definitely relate to that. I often feel silly after challenging the thoughts too. I think it does get easier over time.
Yesterday was pretty stressful. a parent has told me her child is being bullied and I never did anything when I was told. I felt terrible, I know I have been struggling with the class lately, but I was sure I would have noticed students being poorly treated by others, I have had to intervene in three fights just last week. that parent reported us to the school and school board claiming I have it out for her kid. I was torn up about it, until this morning they reviewed the cameras and they revealed the exact opposite. they were the bully, and I had punished him for his behavior several times in the past because of it.
I am still fuming over it. I am angrier for doubting myself and beating myself up for half the day thinking I had failed to listen to my students. although I also find it hard to blame a parent who has had her child come home night after night complaing of the same thing and seeing nothing being done while her child has also come home with referrals for bad behavoir.
still again it plagues me, that I may have missed something. that perhaps he is having some trouble with others and has taken to hitting them instead. they have cleared my name, but I still feel terrible, then angry, then sad, then doubtful. it is spinning my head in circles. cried over it some time, and my friend tells me to just keep a close eye on him and see if anything stands out. but I think I should just talk to him, maybe i did miss something?
@Psyphire
I can understand the various emotions you're feeling over this. Your feelings are valid. I hope in a way you can be proud of yourself that it looks like your intuition was spot-on after all, and you had taken action to help all students involved. It's possible that when one of those notices was sent home and the parent spoke with their child, the student made an excuse to not get in trouble, which started that snowball effect. But no matter what, I think it's great that you're able to have empathy for that parent and student, and that you're staying on the lookout for signs. You sound like a great teacher. ❤
i don't often feel that way about myself but it is nice to hear every so often. didn't write anything yesterday. the paperwork was over my head with parent complaints back and forth between two children who had a disagreement over stolen skittles.
How as a parent your first instint when someone tells you that your child and his best friend stole something is to immediantely blame the other child? Both children are wrong, instead I get letters that say,
"My child has gotten in so much trouble hanging around that other one. keep them away"
"why is my child hanging out with the troublemaker of the classroom"
"That one bullied my son into stealing the candy"
"That other one is sneaky why dont you keep a better eye on him"
Mind you this is the first time either one has ever done something like this. they even admitted to their parents they chose to do it becasue they wanted to get it before everyone else.
Responding to these without mentioning the opposite party is easy, except parents don't like to hear 'focus on your own kid, they also chose to steal candy, whatever the reason'
feeling sort of drained. the parents are worse than their kids sometimes! and having this cold take my voice is not helping me at all with this.
I had a conversation with my husband... more like an argument. We had run into each other at the place we pay our loans and he wanted to treat me to lunch. I obliged, but I knew all he wanted was to talk and hang out like old pals. (He does not believe our relationship can be saved.)
I was quite tired of this as it always seemed to me like he truly wanted to work things out, but alas nothing ever came of it and he would behave like he never left me in the first place. So when it came time to place our orders, I made mine to go, and this confused him. I refused to talk about indoors as I needed a more private place to vent my mounting emotions and once we reached the work truck i exploded. Squeaky voice and all i screamed about how much his leaving broke me that for almost a year now, I have been unable to move on (he was surprised it had been so long already a thought which angered me) I vented about the isolation, my guilt and constant self bashing. I complained about the jealousy I felt for the woman he cheated on me with. How I tried on makeup for the first time after he left, were skinnier outfits, lost weight in every conceivable way, all in my vain attempt in getting him back. How ugly I felt, when even after acknowledging my beauty, it was not enough to regain his approval. And i was tired of being used and set aside like a plaything.
I was so done with it all and it felt so good to get everything off my chest. So good to finally be understood and then he responded.
He apologized. And he made it clear that it was not my fault he left. He promised that after I move to a smaller apartment we don't share and taxes taken care of, he will endeavor to give me proper space to heal.
But he was suffering. He had broken his car not even a year after purchase and it ended up being towed. He is in debt almost triple where we were when we were still together and moved from our spacious 3 bedroom, to live with a college friend in a two bedroom to living alone in a studio apartment the other side of town.
All the friends he used to hang out with and spend nights over with to avoid me, had all moved on with their lives and moved elsewhere. And with no car to reach them, he felt alone.
Without his car, he has been unable to go to night classes, he has taken a semester off to get his priorities in order and he misses the friends he had in class.
The woman he left me for is married, has a child and is in the navy. She cannot leave her husband for mine for fear of discharge (honorable or otherwise) and her bum knee is forcing her back into training for a less strenuous position. Due to this she is also leaving soon. And my husband is feeling doomed for lack of better word.
I feel a little sorry for him. And I would hate to wish any of my recent depression on him, but I kinda do at the same time and it makes me feel guilty that I would want him to hurt at all. And I want to be there for him, and told him to reach out if it all gets too much. But how can I help him?
It's a terrible thing to feel unwanted.
Mother once told me, during one of those arguments we had when I was a teen, that my father was disappointed that I was born female. He wanted a child who would perfectly pass on his superior genes... and last name. He never confirmed this, but sometimes he would say things that just sang my mother's words back to me.
"You are not my daughter. No child of mine would behave the way you do. You are a terrible example to your brother's. It is your fault they did not finish high school." He was right.
but this was after I graduated from high school. If they followed my example, they too would have.
I only graduated with one honor. For the medical field I was studying.
remember the speech at the honor ceremony? 600 seniors, 400 graduates, only 36 with honors. I will take that one honor with pride. I was so proud of it until father spoke. I made it 4 hellish years of high school, depression, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, crippling loneliness, no drugs, no alcohol, no gang activities, no prego, struggling to pass that one math class for 3 years and completing a 20 page handwritten essay to pass history. Father was not at my side when I needed him most so his opinion of my "little" achievement can be taken with a mountain of salt. An honor is an honor. And getting through senior year with double classes and every other week in a hospital bosses around... I deserved my honor.
I kinda went off on a tangent last night. I was really feeling unwanted because I was ruminating about my husband still wanting to leave me. despite this notion, if we meet, he will want to hold hands and hug and walk. he would call me by my nicknames as always, and yet as the day ends he would go to his new apartment and no discussion of coming back made. I have questioned him on this behavior, all I get is a "Old habits die hard" response. yet me turning down his offer surprises him, its like a lady can't move on.
I do realize his own loneliness is playing a part in this, but I want to hope for more.
Just Saturday, he took me to go get groceries, {as I have no car to get around and he borrowed his boss' own} and he wanted to hold hands and hug my hip. but after the shopping trip he talks about writing out some agreement we made when he decided to admit he wanted a divorce, so I could not go after him for money (I had told him I wanted nothing from him after we split.) it infuriated me, him being so sweet. This would be so much easier if I could just find it in myself to hate him for everything and move on, but I have been unable to do such a thing. something has got to be wrong with me...
@Psyphire
Nothing's wrong with you, hun. I think everything you're feeling is valid and even to be expected under the circumstances. It sounds like maybe your husband looks to you for the same comfort he always got from you, but while retaining his desire to have no obligations tying him down from doing what he wants when he wants. I can imagine that would come with so many conflicting emotions for you. I can understand why you would still want his affections in some ways too. I'm glad that you've recognized the need for some boundaries to protect yourself from being used. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I think you're handling it as well as can be expected.
@SentientiaPoecile
Sometimes I wonder if it is the best I could do.
@Psyphire
I hear what you're saying. I think it's always a good thing if we can identify areas we want to work on. I guess as long as we also recognize that we're dealing with really difficult stuff, that our experiences and feelings are real, to give some compassion to ourselves. I think sometimes we judge ourselves more harshly than we would others in our situation. So then we feel more pressured, anxious, sad, stuck and the feelings are more intense. Change is harder to make under those circumstances. It seems counterintuitive, but i think change happens more when we stop pushing ourselves as hard and saying negative things about ourselves (though believe me i know that's all much harder in the moment sometimes).
What little things are you doing for yourself right now? Have you been able to do small things for yourself for basic self care or fun? I hope you can do something nice for yourself today.
@SentientiaPoecile
To be honest, I have not done taken care of myself as best I could. some days I am all hands on deck and others... in a barrel and ready to be thrown over board. Thanks for the reminder. I probably have knots in my hair by now that need detangling.
@Psyphire
Same here. Some days i feel like it was a huge accomplishment just to shower. 